Sunlight. Pictures. Wedding. Me. Chaos.

Ironic, really.  I'm not much a fan of excessive sunlight.  My fair skin tone proves that I don't spend much time in it, at least uncovered.  I'm already worried about being the ugliest one in the wedding because of my pastiness, even though my sisters think I'm crazy.  Pfft.  That's easy to say when you're not the one feeling like a slug compared to a couple of butterflies.  But today whilst resting on my trampoline outside from doing my jumping exercises, I randomly took a picture of myself to see what I look like when the sun hits me.  It was so bright, though, so I had to keep my glasses on (which fortunately transitioned to a very dark tone), and I couldn't see the picture on my cell phone until well after I went back in the house. 

But when I finally saw the picture, it hit me:  my skin looks GREAT under natural light, better than I thought it did.  Even after many jumps and the bit of sweat that surely smeared my makeup, it just looked perfect.  It's all the more proof that fluorescent, articifial light is grossly evil, which is probably why I dread going into dressing rooms in stores.  They're great for illuminating a room, but damn, it does the same for blemishes and minor imperfections on your skin too. But natural light?  I've got a new love for it.  I loved the random picture so much, (rare for me to love a picture of myself), I spruced it up and made it my profile pic.  Yes, it's altered for a cooler effect, but still. But for anyone who may give a damn, this is the real pic. Do ignore my chapped lips, though. What can I say? I just finished exercising after all.  

Speaking of pictures, though, it's starting to dawn on me that I'm not in alot of them that include my family.  'Tis true.  Any time we have get-togethers or whatever, and someone wants to take a picture of the people present, I usually don't want to be included because of how I know I'll look.  Bloated and huge.  I mean, I know I can take some good pictures, but they're usually in the privacy of my room and after I take a huge number of them. More to choose from.  But that's not quite the option with public photos.  Once, maybe twice, is all I get to look great and like I actually belong.  But alas, it's not common to look halfway decent when I include myself in group photos.  It's almost always the case.  Usually I don't even care if I'm in them or not, but lately, as I flip through my sister's photos and click on random myspace pages, there's all sorts of pics with my family, but none with me in them. 

Is it regrettable?  Unfortunately yes. Either I hurry up and "deplumpify" myself so I can actually like what I see, or I learn to suck it up, get over it, finally accept my body for what it is here and now, and include myself in some damn family photos.  I'm practically everywhere in photos when I was younger.  Nowadays, not so much.  You would never think I exist if you saw some of my family's myspace pages, or albums, or anything else.  And any picture I AM in is soooo horrible.  It's a flippin' shame.  I wish I was like my sister where even if I'm blinking, I can still take a great picture.  She's like a model in everything she's in.  I have my moments, I guess, where I can feel like the prettiest girl in the room, even in comparison to my slimmer, supermodel, goddess-like sisters, but they're oh so rare. I'm DEFINITELY not saying that to brag, of course.  Hell no.  That doesn't mean I don't appreciate even one moment where I can be the swan for once and not always the ugly duckling.  Ugh, but in fact, I hate that I have to compare myself to them either.  But it's so hard to feel good about my looks when they look so much better whether it's in person, pictures, whatever. 

So you see, I'm dreading the wedding in June.  Seriously dreading it.  That will be a day of many pictures, both at the wedding and at normal places as my extended family and us have a proper family outing in Chicago.  Pictures, videos, and more pictures.  Heh, if only it would be an outdoor wedding with the nice sunlight so at least my skin can look nice.  Oyyy.  My bridesmaid dress, even at 4 times bigger--4 TIMES BIGGER!--than my normal size STILL does not fit me.  Now I have the added stress of wondering if it will be possible to have it altered to accomodate all my "womanliness," seeing as how it's seemingly more geared for girls without meat, fat, etc.  The dresses are designed "small."  So lucky me has to be the one who has to get it more stretched out whereas the other girls get the luxury of having them taken in.  If it can't be taken out to fit me, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Even if I get another dress, that will take a long while to order again and get it delivered in time.  My mom suggests making one, which I'm actually all for, but still.  It has to be almost exactly as the others.  What a headache. And I so saw it coming when I saw the kind of dresses she wanted us to wear. Those damn spaghetti strap, tight dresses fit only for those taller, slimmer type of girls. 

What a burden the pictures will be.  But what a burden I hope I WON'T be.  I'm trying to be strong and not allow myself stoop to the level of excessive brattiness. I just hope I won't fail.  It's still my sister's day and I don't want to be a sourpuss and ruin the whole thing by not participating in ANYTHING.  Trust me; it's not what I want!  If I were being totally selfish, I wouldn't have even accepted walking in her wedding.  I would have just gotten my own dress and sat in the audience.  But I wanted to make her happy, even at the expense of my own happiness  I just don't want that unhappiness to bleed out and make everyone else miserable.  Blahhhh.  Lord, give me strength.