The lack of lovey doveyness, or even just plain love, with my parental units is so often just plain...blah.  Mother's Day was further proof of their cold nature towards each other.  I asked him what he got her, and he said "Nothing."  Then he went into a mini rant how she's not HIS mother and therefore shouldn't be given gifts from him, and that Mother's Day is a day created by society, blah, blah, blah.   They're nothing more than roommates, it seems, tolerating each other only for financial purposes.  Dad thinks the only way to keep her happy is to spend money on her, while mom doesn't really reject the notion since that's all she seemingly cares to want from him anyway now.  I guess she's tired of trying to get anything else from him, especially more emotional commitment to the marriage.  But a happy marriage with love or even God in the center? Nope.  They're both equally stubborn, though.  My mom's made her efforts in the past to work on the relationship, but my dad's been stubborn about such things since even before they got hitched.  It's probably just not in his blood to be mushy gushy or affectionate with anyone, even his wife.  It's clear my mom wants something from him, more husbandly qualities I'd guess, which he probably knows, but he's not gonna attempt to give it, and she's not gonna forget it.  I'm sure he feels like she's trying to change him, or that she doesn't like who he is, which thus makes him ashamed and therefore angry enough to lash out at her.  She lashes back.  And it's a battle.  Over stupid stuff. Over serious stuff. 

He doesn't feel loved. Neither does she.  And yet, neither one of them do anything to show their love to the other.  I do remember one moment a long time ago when dad was in tears while confessing to us that he finally realizes how much mom loves him.  They talked for hours and didn't want us around, which made us worried.  Then later, they called us all together so he could open up to all of us.  Obviously, at one point in time, it dawned on him that he was a loved man. Too bad such a moment didn't last.  I wonder why it didn't. Now all I feel is a nasty vibe of hatred.  Such dislike and repulsion.  I asked him about that day later on in life when I was older, but he didn't want to talk about it. I love those two to death, but damn, do they ever piss me off.  It's like they want to get love before they give it.  She's got this "I don't need a man to make me happy" attitude about her now, which is normally a great way to look at things when you're single.  And heck, I guess when you're married too.  But when you're married, you don't and shouldn't even allow yourself the luxury of focusing on your own happiness over the measures you can take to make your spouse happy.  And I don't think either one of them ever truly put that into consideration.  Both, in their own way, are probably quite sure that it's a waste of time to put themselves aside for the sake of the other.  That's definitely a relationship not centered on a duty to love, even when things are rough.  What the hell do those vows mean to people? "For better or for worse" or "To love and to cherish."  That stuff means crap nowadays. No one ever gives a damn.

Well whatever.  Perhaps it's just all still a part of my silly dreamworld I've been accused of living in.  I'm one of these losers who is so intent on choosing to love someone, even if it's foolish, than to overly rely on falling in love them.  To choose to love is a far more powerful declaration than just falling.  Why does marriage always have to be so hard for everyone? Why is it always such a curse? I can't stand the times when I look for a marriage, someone's always telling me how much work it is, how it's not worth it, how the single life's easier, etc.  Why is hard work such a bad thing when it's something that's worth fighting for?  Maybe the single life's easier in some ways, and maybe it isn't.  But the one thing I don't like about the single life is the lack of someone I can be intimate with.  I don't like looking out for just myself.  I don't like thinking of just myself.  I don't like looking for what makes me and me alone happy.  I like the idea of having my own personal someone to love.  Even if that person sucks and has an ugly side, all I want to do is still love on them.  That's just my own marital duty.  Marriage isn't just about the freedom to have sex willy nilly or unbrideled bliss.  It's work, yes.  But it's work for a stronger bond.  It's partnerships. It's friendship.  It's lovers. It's enemies.  It's hardships.  It's ups and downs.  Who the hell cares what it entails?  It's commitment any way you slice it, and if someone wants to actually welcome that challenge, then so be it!  No point in fighting it.

I want that seriousness.  I guess that's why I'm still hesitant from dating guys just to date them.  I want to date to get serious, not date just to date.  Which kinda sucks because there's that tiny part of me that wishes to wallow in dating just to date, since I didn't get to experience too much of that growing up.  But there's that damn maturity thing in me that would rather get serious than playful.  And that whole fear of investing too much emotion into someting that isn't rea is quite the nagl.  I just wanna love.  Is that so evil?  There's a guy at work that sorta "jokes" about going out with me. Part of me thinks he's joking, since he's the resident jokester,but the other part of me feels that he isn't. I'm under the impression that he wants to date me without formally asking me out on a date.  The first time he let it out that to date me can be a possibility, I'm like, "Oh I'm totally not your type." He's like "Why?" I gave him my reasons.  I recall saying that I'm several years older than him, (what is it the younger ones always wanting me?) and that we've had different upbringings, blah blah blah.  A couple weeks later, the subject came up again, and he's like, "I know we're like completely different, but sometimes opposites attract!"  I was agreeable, but chuckled away the matter anyway.  He wants to hug me now for that extra physical contact, as if I'm oblivious to a man's REAL reason for wanting to hug a woman, especially a woman he's got a thing for.  "So when are we gonna go out on a date?"  he'll ask.  He jokes about being my date for my sister's wedding.  I find the whole thing kinda cute, but I can't tell if he's serious, since he's got the "boy who cried wolf" dimeanor.  I play along with him to make the situation less serious.  Dare I say, I can be a little flirtatious without knowing.  He asked if I missed him after only minutes of not seeing him, and after I laughed, I was like, "Oh yeah I always miss you!"  The boy's so young though.  Perhaps if I was in my 30's and he later in his 20's it'd be different. But that's not the case, so whatever he thinks may happen just isn't gonna.

Well anyway, I swayed a bit there, but my point is that I want seriousness.  I wish I can go out on dates just for the fun of it, but I just think that'd be careless of me when I know I'll want more.  It may be unfair to assume that any guy interested in me aren't serious about me, but I have to play it safe now.  I want to get married, but I don't want a relationship like my parents. Granted, they're over 25 years into their marriage and that's a long time for hatred to grow.  They've had a major head start.  But I think I can learn from them, what they do and what they don't do.   Once I get it out of my head that a man must be loved no matter how much he doesn't please me, I think it will make it all the more worthwhile.  I'm not saying it's my preferance, but it's something I do think about.  Getting married means accepting the possibility that a man will be unlovable as time goes on, which would then test the sincerity of my own love.  Heck, anyone can love someone who's lovable. It's loving the ones who are vile that's a truer test of love.

Well whatevah...