maulindy's Xanga

Friday, July 25, 2008

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:58:00 GMT

**CHURCH**

I just love my pastor dearly. What an annointing and a gift for telling it like it is, but not in a way where you believe there's no hope. He keeps it real. As usual, his message related heavily to what weighs in on my heart. He spoke of not getting so overly wrapped up in ourselves as Christians, on our abilities or lack thereof, anything that will distract us from where our focus should really be lying, and that's Jesus. Even I have trouble with that. How often do I sit here complaining about my shortcomings and blunders? Too often. And all that does is suck my focus away from what's really important. Not only this, but he also taught us not to get mad at our Christianity. That if we run out of gas, we just gotta get a refill on gas. He used the perfect example, too, that of a Toyota Prius. Even something as environmentally friendly as a hybrid car that can run 51 miles per gallon of gas will still need a refill. It doesn't help to get mad at the car and kick it when it runs out of gas. Just like Christianity. Yes, sometimes I get mad at myself, at God, at Christianity...at everything when all I really oughta be doing is getting a refill. A recharge. It was a great message.

**CRUSH**

Not much to say on him as my moments with him are sorely depleted, but I will say that I think I realized what it was that sucked me into that crush. He's a lot like Will Smith. Personality-wise. Granted, I don't know Will Smith personally, but I know what he's portrayed on TV and film. I gotta tell ya, a man like Will Smith when it comes to humor is a lindy-magnet. I love Will Smith's personality. I love his comedic wit. And yes, my old co-worker has a humor much like Will. He called me 3 times today from Georgia, the first two calls I missed since I was at church. After I texted him to apologize, he called again. We didn't talk long, just over 10 minutes, but it was a rather cute conversation. He tells me, "Well, the girls in the Pet Care department aren't as cute as you, so you're safe." I was like haha right. I tell him that even if there were cute girls, I still couldn't do anything about it since I'm way up here in Indy. Then he's like, "So maybe you should move to Georgia." I try not to take him too seriously, but he's brought that up alot and I don't think he's doing it to be funny. He honestly sounds like he wants me around over there. Of course I'm not considering it, but it's rather flattering anyway. I try to make jokes of it, suggesting it'd be freaky stalker behavior to follow him around, but he usually never laughs. Oyy. Whatever. He's still someone to wallow in, that's for sure. Even on the phone I have a smile on my face. I found out he still misses me very much, but we're even with that. Before hanging up, I said he can give me a call tomorrow or vice versa, and he was like, "Well actually I'm busy. I'm going to a strip club that night." I just laugh and shake my head suggesting that hey, he's gotta do what he's gotta do. But he laughed just the same saying he's kidding. If that's his thing, then that's his thing. It's cute how he does that to get a rise outta me, though, like I'm really gonna be devastated that he goes there. Not that I condone strip clubs, but I'm not about to guilt someone out of going or force them not to. It was a funny goodbye moment.

**EPIPHANY**

I had a strange thought today. It's weird to think it, but it got thought of. I was thinking, "If I'm the last one to find a man, that'll be alright." Why? Well honestly? My old friend DJ kinda triggered it in me about being happy for others, namely my sister, who's seemingly on the verge of getting involved with someone. She's been hangin out heavily with a certain male, and they seem to be hitting it off rather well so far. The thought must be crossing her mind because she asked my folks the other day what they would think if it were to happen. It would be yet again a situation where my sisters have someone while I don't. Anyway, the thought that crossed my own mind a couple of days after he said that was: "Well, I'm glad she won't have to experience what I've felt for so long." When the both of them are taken, that just leaves me. Granted, it'll hurt like it always does to feel left out, but at least it gives me some bit of comfort knowing that it's not something my sister's have to feel. It's not a pleasant feeling, being a girl who doesn't have anyone, so I honestly don't really wish that on anyone, especially my sisters. If my one single sister finds a husband before I do, then so be it. I'll know that certain pain will be over for both of them, and it will just be me. Am I embracing pain? Not at all. I'm just embracing being the only one with that pain. It's not like this is a competition, after all. Besides, people will hopefully be all the more happy for me once I find that certain someone (or that certain someone finds me) since I'll probably be the last one to do. Best for last perhaps? Nah, that's too stuck up a thing to say. Still! I liked knowing that I can think beyond myself in this matter. What an epiphany to have for a person like me in a situation such as this.

**RED & BLACK**

I still intend to make some sort of album of the duo. From my camera, to shirts, to a Bratz doll, to my very car...there's a heck of a lot of red and black in my life and I just wanna make a collection of their pictures. I'm curious myself just how many things in my collection are my two favorite colors. The latest addition to the red and black in my life will eventually be a Nintento DS, which apparently they've made a red and black one of. Thankfully, the system will be able to play my GB Advanced games so it won't be a waste. Plus, I can get my grubby hands on those Brain Age games. Gawd those look like massive fun. Of course, I don't have a spare $150 bucks to spare for this newest red and black device, but I will eventually. Maybe I'll even ask for it for my Birthday, but of course, I have to make sure they get me the right one. It's gotta be the Crimson/Black Nintendo DS Lite, the more modern version. Gah, then there's a red and black MP3 player I'd like to add to my collection as well. There's just a whole bunch of stuff that I wanna share with anyone who cares or is curious. If there's no one out there who fits the bill, then no matter! It's still mostly for my own personal satisfaction anyway.

**BED**

I have a date with it tonight.

Ta-ta.

Catching Up...

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 23:13:08 GMT

**SWIMMING**

For the first time since my sun-poisoned vacation in Puerto Rico, I went swimming. It wasn't in any fancy body of water or anything, just your ol' basic above ground circular swimming pool. I had fun, even though much of my activity involved interacting with the two young boys swimming in the pool with me, who seemed to have gotten such a kick out of showing off for me or copying off of whatever I did. I threw them up and into the water a few times, made a whirlpool with them, and pretended I was a shark so they can swim scared. I wanted to keep to myself for some personal swimming, but no matter. I still got sore from the swim just the same, using muscles I haven't used in awhile, it seems. I spent maybe a couple of hours in the pool with them, but I didn't feel any muscle aches until later on in the day. My sleep that night (Saturday night) was not a great one since my torso just ached all over. Even now, my neck is so blah and hurts to turn. But at least I got some exercise.

**THE DARK KNIGHT**

Yes, the Dark Knight. I willingly went to see it again a day after I saw it the first time. I wouldn't have seen it again otherwise, but considering we had a nice size group, I wanted to join them. How was the movie the second time around? Honestly? More boring than the first time. But this time I blame my own personal discomfort. Unfortunately, while sitting in the theater, my muscle aches from my previous swimming adventure were starting to settle in. So all I could think about was laying in my bed and getting rest, but I had to wait until the movie was over, which didn't happen fast since the thing's like 2 and 1/2 hours long. It didn't help that halfway through the movie, the film inexplicably cut off and the theater lights came on. It didn't restart until maybe 15 minutes later. *groaaaaaaan* So yeah, the movie was even more draggy cuz my mind was just not there. Still, even if it was there, I wasn't much more enthused about than the first time. Fortunately, it still didn't suck, but it certainly wasn't lots better the second time around either. *shrug* Everyone else in our party though absolutely loved it for the same reasons I didn't. I'm realizing that my reasons for not loving it are the opinions of other people on the net; they're just better at expressing it than I am. But they're out there. We're the minority, but we're out there. I'm reading things like too serious (I agree) and too choppy (as far as plot). Plus there's the fact that it doesn't have a Gotham City feel, but more like a Chicago feel. As people on the net have said, it just feels like a Chicago film with a guy dressed up as Batman. Most, if not all people, (including me) all agree that the only thing right was Joker and Two-Face. You can't touch it, really. People are saying what I said about Batman, fight scenes too minimal and too close-up, suit too clunky, voice too forced. We're all still in the minority, but we damn sure are responding to the same thing with similar reactions. So I guess I'm not crazy. Just outnumbered.

**FINGERNAIL**

I got really cut happy at my fake nails from the wedding. Almost all were pried off with my clunky tools, and was rather ouchy, but now I've really done it with my right pinky. I was using scissors to kinda "scrape" the nail off my hand, but I got a tad too deep and took out a chunk of my real nail. Yes, 'twas a stupid thing. Now my pinky is aching since there's a hole right in the middle of it with flesh showing instead of my real nail. And it doesn't help that there's still a tiny chunk of fake nail still left dangling like a hangnail, but hurts too much to keep tugging at. I guess I had it coming. Still, you have no idea how annoying it is to not be able to use your real nails. I lost my patience. Now it's just a matter of waiting for the friggin' think to keep growing.

**CRUSH DEPARTED**

I went in to say goodbye to my work crush the other day, his last day of work, which was coincidentally my day off. I bought him a goodbye/birthday present, since his birthday's the beginning of next month, and I won't see him probably ever again. Got him a card to say thanks for everything, including going out with me. Yah, we actually did get to go out at least once, he and I, and it was such fun. He was seemingly happy to see me, claiming he had a feeling I would be there. He said his "Linda senses were tingling." He showed heavy interest in going out once more, but from the sound of it, it would have inconvenienced him terribly. He just didn't want to admit it. I made it easy for him and just kinda changed the subject so he wouldn't feel obligated. We chit-chatted for about 20 minutes, our last moments to get all flustered over the other. He more kept his cool than I ever did, but I can still tell. One of our hugs was the most tender of them that day, cuz he held me tight and said, "I'm gonna miss you," before kissing my forehead. I told him I'll miss him too. Of course that same moment led to one last kiss between us, in which he was very noticeably disgruntled and kinda backed away with his head hanging down. He was like, "Yeah..." and I was like, "Yeah." Then he says in such a disappointed tone, "That sucks that I gotta leave." I didn't add to his serious tone, and jokingly was like, "Oh it's okay, you'll find somebody else over there." He fed off it pretty well, and was like, "I don't want anybody else!" before he sorta whined in an exaggerated, funny way. We laughed it off and made light of the matter, which was good to do and it worked. I don't think him claiming he'll miss me was dishonest, though, since my co-worker kinda spilled what he told her that very same day before I showed up. She asked if he would miss us, and she said he said, "Yeah I'm gonna miss you guys. Especially Linda." I was like wow. He's mentioning missing me by name and no one even asked him about me specifically? How cute is that? Even she said that when he said that, she was like, "Awwww." Indeed. Me too. How flattering. That's probably why he was happy to see me that day. He had every intention to come once more on the last day he was here while I was at work, but something altered his plans. He must have felt bad, because he called my job making sure I wasn't mad at him for not being there. I wasn't. But it was nice that he called to say goodbye anyway. Of course, there was that odd moment where he tells that joke you'd typically find on a laffy taffy candy wrapper. He's like, "What did the volcano say to the island?" I didn't know the answer, so he tells me. "I lava you." Very cute, but hopefully nothing serious. I still don't know, and I don't really want to. He's gone now, and it's all over.

**PROMOTION**

Back to normal. And time to focus on more important matters. Now that the guy who had me fixated on him is out of the picture (sigh), it's on to better things. Well maybe not better, but more important right now. I hope the next time I get flustered will be when I'm already in a more solid job where I know what I'm doing. My boss is still training me on this upcoming position, but I still wish I had a more solid day as far as when this transition will take place. I'm still feeling every fiber of my being trying to freak out, but I'm trying not to think about it. Unfortunately, my not thinking about it is starting to result in me not taking it seriously and not preparing better for it. This is no good either. There's so much to learn. SO MUCH. There's a lot more tediousness in managerial positions, a whole lot more responsibility. That still isn't what freaks me out too much. It's just having to do so much all at once. I just don't want them to expect too much from me too soon. I know I can do it. I really can. But it has to be on my time table. And I just hope that they'll be understanding of that. This is what I'm scared of. There's a lot to do. And the thing is, it's not hard stuff. It's just a LOT of stuff that has to be done on certain days so many times a week or month, that'd it'd be hard to keep track of. That's what I was telling my boss on Sunday when he showed me the ropes on how to inventory the live animals. Not a lot of hard tasks, just a LOT of tasks, and getting confused when to do them. Getting them all mixed up. He's seemingly so intent on keeping me grounded, though, and helping me out. He offered to type of a guide list with all the tasks listed out per day. Nothing detailed or thorough, but just the basic titles of things. This would help tremendously, and I hope he really meant it. I'm trying not to be so afraid. I'm disobeying what my instincts tell me to do and that is to run away and flee from change and challenge. Gotta stop that!

**WEIGHT LOSS***

Still a no go, but that's cuz I haven't gone back on track. But now that I have a new goal to reach, it may very well be doable again. It's a strong possibility that Cancùn, Mexico will be our big vacation next year. My aunt has one of villa resort thing-a-ma-jiggers and can get us a nice price. With the possibility of snorkeling, swimming with dolphins, or just plain sunbathing, I don't want to be a jiggle puff like I am now. Those are moments that I definitely want to remember, and it would be nice if I willingly let cameras be all on me. Of course, I have to feel good about myself to have that done, don't I? I feel like I've got a fresh start at this thing. I just hope can stay motivated this time around. I'm not looking forward to the hassle, but alas, it must be done. Wow, what a dejà vu this is. Bleh. But I shall use the wedding blunder as a lesson learned and take advantage of it. Gotta take advantage of the head start and KEEP the head start.

**ME**

My head and heart's a mess. My priorities are out of whack and I'm dire need of a miracle. I notice that thing aren't going away and any random thing can trigger a rampage on my part. I don't like it one little bit. There's a lot of pent of stuff inside of me, and I mean a LOT. I forget it's there, but when those moments come when something triggers it, it's scary. Not scary to see, but scary to feel. I don't like that feeling of being so lost in sadness, anger, rage, whatever. That powerlessness. Hopefully my cure will happen in time.

That is all for catching up.

Ta-ta.

The Dark Knight was...

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 04:53:32 GMT

...alright.

SPOILERS PRESENT

I enjoyed Iron Man and the Incredible Hulk a whole lot better, though, especially Iron Man. I so love Tony Stark. He's a player, yeah, but wow is he ever funny. You can spear me and gut me if you want for not praising the movie that seemingly the whole country is praising, but it's true. I just don't get into these modern Batman movies as much as everyone else does. Fixation on the Batmans of old, perhaps? Bleh, but after Batman Returns, they got a little weird, so that can't be it. I know they weren't great movies, but I remember them so well. I grew up with them. My sisters and I friggin' kissed the screen when Michael Keaton's face was on it. Gah, I so wish I knew why these movies don't work for me. I so want them to work! Everyone else out there is lovin' on them but me, I'm like, "Yeah. Shrug." I just miss that "playfulness" about the older Batman's. These ones are just way too serious for me. But hey, at least I don't think it sucked. It didn't suck. Not at all. Still...I don't see what the big fuss is all about, if I can be perfectly honest. Sure it was good. Sure it was entertaining. At least, some of it was.

Honestly, though, for like the first half of the movie I was incredibly bored. I was thinking, "Gawd, can't I get at least ONE intense scene here? I might as well be yawning here." Too much mumbo jumbo and confusing jargon that just lost my attention. But that proves another point: my mind is not programmed to accept a serious Batman movie. It didn't for Batman Begins (which I actually wasn't fond of at all), and it hardly did for The Dark Knight. It's already programmed to want the less dramatic ones. So eh, I don't really blame the movie at all. I blame myself and my purposeful rejection of a Batman who's not fun to watch. I suppose that's because of my seemingly deeply rooted, still-existent lack of interest in an overly serious Batman movie. It's my understanding that these movies are so wonderfully praised because of their close similarity to comics, dark and brooding. If I were a fan of the comics, I sense I'd be lovin' on this movie right alongside all the other geeks out there, and I mean "geeks" in a good way. I so wish I can be just as excited about a comic book movie gone right as everyone else out there! I like that it went right, but how would I know what's right anyway?

So I don't think my opinion on the movie should really count in anyone's eyes. I only know of the Batman presented to me in the movies of old, and that's the only Batman I cared to know. I liked him. I liked the Batmobile and the batcave and all his bat vehicles. I liked all the bats being around him like they were his pets. I still don't think this movie sucked at all, though. I found it good, better than the first. Honestly, the only reason I even wanted to see this one was to see Heath's Joker. None of the previews and trailers--seriously, not ONE--garnered much of my interest. I was like, "Oh, okay, the next Batman. Go Heath. You're a dirty-looking Joker, but hey, love ya anyway. Yawn." There was nothing too impressive action-wise in the trailers, nothing that made me think, "Wow I MUST see this." Unfortunately, that also became the only aspect I truly enjoyed on the screen. Any time Heath was on there, I was just fixated on him and his performance, trying to comprehend why this role was something he was so focused on getting right that he sacrificed much of his own personal way of thinking to get into character. But when he wasn't there, I was like, "Blah. Booooring." I hated that, but loved it at the same time.

I suppose I just have a grudge against The Dark Knight after Heath died. Heath's Joker was freakishly real, probably the best depiction of Joker, as people out there keep claiming. Not that I don't believe them, but for me, it's a fairly new thing to think of Joker as sadistic, but hey...I didn't read comics, so if that's the way he's supposed to be, then great. He certainly pulled it off well. Like overly well. What a fantastic actor. What a crazy Joker. While I was yearning to see if his talent paid off, it still kinda ticks me off all the more. At the creators. At this movie. At the comics. At the obsessive fans. Heath's obsession with bringing to life such a psychotic character like this certainly showed on screen, but I hate wondering if that obsession warped his mind into bad judgments that would thus lead to his death. Yes, I have a grudge against this movie because of it. Frankly, I don't think this wonderfully psychotic joker that every fanboy wanted was worth the death of such a versatile actor that could have had friggin' Johnny Depp getting a run for his money. If only they chose someone else for such a role. Someone else who wouldn't have put so much of themselves physically and mentally into it. Seriously, are you happy now? You've got your wonderfully psychotic Joker in his fullest, brought to life all prim and proper. But look at the price that was paid.

So you see, as much I can like this movie or can friggin' LOVE Heath's involvement in it, I hate the fact that it was so overly serious. What if the Joker was a little less disturbingly devilish and a little more...a jokester? How would Heath have worked the role then? Would he have focused on being so cold, uncaring, and evil? Blah. Everyone wanted it, and now they got it. An evil Joker who just happens to be the Joker everyone wanted. He was great. He really was. What a freaking psycho that you just can't help but love because of it. But I would have rather had an average Joker than a sadistic one if it meant we'd spare any emotional troubles of the brilliant man who'd bring him to life. Blah. But that's what everyone's talking about is Joker and how Heath's portrayal will forever go unmatched. I for one happen to love Aaron Eckhart's Two-Face just the same as Joker. He too was friggin' awesome, more scary than Joker because you don't know what the hell he's gonna do when he leaves everything to chance. The Joker is clever in his schemes, but you somehow always know in which direction he'll lean. Two-Face, on the other hand, can go either way. Will he show mercy? Will he not? And that freaking face of his, WOW. What excellent...EXCELLENT visuals there. I absolutely loved how he looked, and was surprised his role was more than just a couple of minutes. I hope to goodness he'll return so I can have a new reason to watch the next movie.

At any rate, I know this isn't really a review of the movie. As always, I think I'll need to see it again to get a more informative take on it. The plot was interesting when it was understandable, but so much of it dragged and got choppy that my interest kept fading in and out. The action was droll and uninteresting to me. I got too much of a "been there, done that" vibe from some of the scenes. The flipping semi scene was blah and fake looking. I thought for sure it'd be cleaned up since the trailer. Either way, I found the truck flipping scene in Terminator 3 to be far, FAR more cool than this one. At least that one seemed plausible. But this one was like...okay what...suddenly a trailer can defy gravity? If anything, the truck itself should have flipped, and the trailer should have plummeted into it accordion style. Even if it was possible for the truck's bed to flip over perfectly into the air, it wouldn't have been that clean looking. There was no weight to it. It looked like a paper truck or something. Yah, it's nitpickiness, but still. Just didn't look right to me. My friend all commented how "tight" it was that Batman did this weird flip thing to turn himself around after the trailer got flipped, but I thought it was too cartoonish. *shrug* Oh well. I'll give it 2 stars out of 4 as a regular movie. But Heath's Joker and Aaron's Two-Face being present in this movie can give it one more star to make it 3 out of 4.

Bale is awesome as Bruce Wayne, but as Batman, far too clunky. He looked strange in costume, too stoic. And I cannot STAND the growly voice he makes when he's in costume. I get why he does it, I really do, but it just seemed too forced. Too purposeful. Too obvious that he's disguising his voice like he's trying too hard. And it was just flat-out annoying after awhile. I got tired of him talking when he was Batman. Still, as I said, Bruce Wayne was funner. And sexier. I loved that Katie Holmes was nowhere to be found (yay!!) and thought Maggie's portrayal was much more convincing. Seriously, if Katie stuck around, how would that have worked? She was way too young to begin with. Could you have imagined her dating Aaron's Harvey Dent? Or even in the interrogation room trying to be tough? No. Not to mention the fact that she too is very annoying to watch. Nothing against Katie, though. She's a pretty girl (I guess), but her voice is grating and that sideways smile is like...*groaaaaaan* The only role I liked her in was "Disturbing Behavior," but I sense that's because she was so much different than her Dawson's Creek character. Seriously. Anywhere I see her it's like I'm watching the girl from Dawson's Creek, just stuck in the middle of another world. She's always the same. I wasn't really interested in this movie, but once I found out Maggie was there instead I was much more accepting. Too bad they killed her off, though. But I guess that means a new female lead will come into play, and yay for it probably being Catwoman. Though dammit, that means someone will have to top Michelle Pfeiffer who'll be TOUGH to top. Grrr. Still, at least I'll have reason to see the next one again.

Oyyy, anyway....I'm rambling now. The Dark Knight. Worthy of a theatrical view, but nothing too fantastic for lindy. My attention span just isn't there for this franchise. *sigh* I need more than just seriously dark drama. Some movies I prefer the drama, and some movies I don't. This one is definitely one where I don't. Which sucks because apparently, Batman is SUPPOSED to be dark and serious, right? Bleh. Perhaps my mindset will change the more I see these movies. Oh, but on the major plus side, the music was wonderfully spiffy. That doesn't surprise me, though, since it's composed by two of my favorite composers: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard. Yay for movie scores! So this one may just be the next movie on my score collection.

Anyway...I'm sleepy.

Ta-ta.

Saying Goodbye...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:49:22 GMT

A useless ramble.

Well that's that. I'll miss him terribly, but we all knew it was inevitable, and yes...still for the best. Though he technically doesn't leave until Monday, my last day to work with him was Tuesday, and I already felt the twinge of sadness that I won't see him again. I didn't get to give him a final hug that day like I would have wanted, but our interaction was still satisfactory. He said he may come in Sunday while I'm at work since he'd be in the area, but I highly doubt that will happen. He'll be out and about with a few of his friends on their last night on the town, so it'd be pretty hard to say "Hey, let's go here" when you've got a crowd to bring along. Besides, I highly doubt he's really thinking about seeing me one last time anyway when he's got his mind so focused on moving on with his life. That'd be a matter of going out of his way and I don't think he'd do that for me. I'd certainly do it for him in an instant. I'd give up what time I could just to see and be around him one more time. But that's me. That's the way it must be. That being said, I don't expect to see him again. If I do, yeah it'd be great, but if not...oh well. He'll have made his choice, and I'll live with it. I won't be mad at all. Eh, slightly disappointed and of course saddened, but not mad. I'll still wish him all the best.

At least I got to spend at least one more work day with him. I'm glad we got to have a little more fun while being there, what little time we had to do it in, anyway. He tripped me twice in a row, and when he put his arm around me claiming he wouldn't do it again, he did it again anyway, then took off running. I was play-annoyed, but not really. I truly appreciated the little scuffles we had that day. He tried to stuff product down my shirt, and I was throwing stuff at him. It was all in good fun, obviously. When I finally got him alone, I tried to be semi-serious and thank him for many things, but I sense he wasn't really wanting to brave such talks. I doubt it was because he didn't care for my gratefulness, though. It was probably just too weird a moment for him, me being real like that with him. He probably would rather fade into oblivion from my world without feeling like some girl is leeching onto him and guilting him into staying, and that's cool. I wasn't trying to be super serious in desperation or to make him feel bad, but eh...just wanted to say thanks and a serious goodbye.

A serious moment transitioned to a funny one though, one worth mentioning. I was like, "Oh what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna make me laugh?" After a few last minute attempts to make me laugh some more at random transformer things, he finally was like, "You're gonna find some guy that loves you more than I could I ever love you." I was like, "Yeah, I hope so," trying to maintain the serious nature and to be agreeable, so he wouldn't think I only wanted HIM to love me in that manner. But then he continued, "You're gonna have his baby and then I'm gonna come back and you're gonna cheat on him with me." Heh yeah, it was quick and funny. Unfortunately I couldn't comment or laugh like I would have liked since just then my phone started ringing and changed the whole subject when he started wondering who was calling. Heh, he's just so focused on keeping things light with me. Even though I wanted a semi-serious moment, I still couldn't help but love that he wanted to do what he does best: keep me laughing.

Yeah, life goes on. It will still go on. I got to take a picture with him like I wanted, and he'll always be in my memory. He wouldn't have been right for me in so many ways, but it doesn't mean that in other little ways, he was just so perfect. I hope he's right, though. I hope that I will one day find a guy who can love me more than he ever could have loved me if we ever went to that level. I sense that what we had, though sweet and fun, was still just a work thing, and he won't really be dwelling on me or missing me much. Already there are signs that I will most definitely be a thing of the past for him, not something to ponder about or get worked up over. When he implied he had intention of still keeping in touch with me, I questioned it, kinda surprised he'd say that. I didn't ask if he'd keep in touch; he just said it all by himself. After he did, I was like, "You're gonna keep in touch with me?" But he said something along the lines of, "Okay, I already like went on a date with you; I don't just date a girl and never talk to her again." He seemingly was insulted that I assumed we wouldn't keep in touch, but no matter what he says, I still sense it will be the case. Heck, it already IS the case. Sure he likes me, but eh...he doesn't LIKE like me; there would have been many more attempts on his part to spend time with me if he did.

It won't be impossible to keep in touch, at least, but I don't plan on being the one making all the attempts. I'll make a few, but that's it. It's already clear to me that I'm the one who's missing the other the most, or the one who's most expressive about it, and that's already uncomfortable enough. I hate that I got to that level, (that's what these stupid crushes do to someone like me) but I sure am glad I didn't let my emotions get that much more involved, because I definitely would have been even more fixated on him, and that's never good. I'm sure every now and then there'll be contact either via text messages or MySpace, but most definitely not phone calls. I believe that our time and moments together are already fated to be our last, and that's totally cool. If he wants to keep in touch, by all means...awesome. But I also have to face the truth of the situation. He's going into a different world with different girls, different distractions, and different surroundings. He'll be so busy taking it all in that I'll be a mere figment of his imagination; he's not gonna wonder about this girl all the way back in Indiana, and I just wouldn't be fair to myself if I allow myself to constantly wonder if he'll still thinks about me at all. If he does, it'd be great, though.

I've accepted that fact, and am already well under way of moving on with my own life, especially now that this manager job is forthcoming. It definitely was fun while it lasted. I'm kinda tired of thinking about him anyway, especially since he's not even someone I could be with. I'm even tired of blogging about him as if he truly was a man who had potential to be a loving boyfriend/future husband. Cuz that so wasn't the case. I need a love that he wouldn't have been equipped to provide. I'd rather blog about someone I intend to get serious with, not someone I have a crush on, or someone on whom my attraction was acted upon. But oh well. These things happen, and I'm still glad I didn't run away from it or got too shy for it. I'm sure any leftover readers are probably tired of reading the same crud, but oh well. I share to share. Doesn't mean you have to take. I gave it a chance, had fun doing it, and don't regret it one little bit. Perhaps that's because I knew all along that he wouldn't have to be something to survive, or something that may rip my heart out like all the others. No, all along he was destined to leave, and it just made it a little more bearable. Made me a little more brave to express my attraction because time was just so short. I guess it was also fortunate that he apparently felt the same way. He gave it a chance just as well, and seemingly had fun with me in his own way. He too had nothing to fear since he already knew he was leaving. So see? It worked out fine.

Well anyway...as I said, that's that. Time to move on and keep chugging along. There's other issues festering in my heart that have absolutely nothing to do with a man, and unfortunately, they're not pretty issues. They're scary issues that I started spewing at my folks yesterday. Stuff I didn't want anyone to know. But they were heart stuff, stuff I'm ashamed to feel and to express in angry tears, and when I heard myself, I wanted to just shove them all deep inside of me again. So there's some major problems going on with me that I'm so scared of not fixing. But all in due time, I guess. I just wish it wasn't this scary.

Past, Present, and Future...

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:09:41 GMT

Gawsh, I didn't think it'd be so tough to get back into the swing of things post wedding, but wow it so is. But hopefully, I can get back on my feet during this month and next month. Many changes are still in the works, and I'm still not trying to freak out too much over them. Sometimes change can be a good thing, right? Right.

The latest word at my job is that my future managerial position is apparently still in the works, but they only just now told me where the store would be. They still haven't said when the transition will be, but my boss guesses in a couple of weeks. The store is actually in Illinois, but fortunately, it's not too far in from Indiana; it's right on the border. It's not TOO horribly far, but it will still be a drive for me. But alas, at least it's not like a 2 or 3 hour drive. It's probably more like 35 minutes, 45 at most depending on whether or not I'll face the highways to get there. Relocation won't be required for me, but it still can be a possibility, especially with the bigger amount of gas I'll be using, which will utterly SUCK. It's too early to think about such things as relocating, though. First I have to get accustomed to the job itself and the huge amount of responsibility. I'm quite positive that I'll be very intimidated and very panicked at first, but I just have to tunnel through and focus on the positive things. Once I get accustomed to everything expected of me, and once I get a better handle on my financial burdens, (maybe even pay off my car early!) then and only THEN can I think about moving out. One day at a time, Linda. One day at a time. I'm all about being cautious with things, so this shouldn't be any different. I guess because this is just one step closer to having a life of my own, being able to support myself, and I want to just suck it all in all at once, so it thus causes me to be rather overly anxious. But I can't get so wrapped up so fast. Bleh.

Change will be good, though. It must. I can't say it will be my dream job, but at this stage in my life, my dream job for now will just have to be one where I can actually support myself and make a living off of. And this job, sucky as it may be for some people, may still be the crucial step on the ladder of life that I need to use to get that even better job waiting for me. Especially if I'm doomed to be single for an even longer time than I've already been. Gotta stand on my own two feet for as long as I need to, even if it's forever without the benefit of a companion. Living here at my parents house just ain't gonna cut it anymore. I need to be me. I need to be out THERE being me. Heck, there's probably a whole 'nother part of me I have no idea exists simply because here at home it can't blossom to its full potential. There's no way to know until that transition can finally come. To be able to know whether or not I can make good decisions for myself without constantly worrying what others will think about me. Gawsh it must be so liberating a feeling to be able to live for myself and not for others, to let disappointment be on MY head alone and not on the heads of others. What's ironic is that I do still care what others think. Even the Bible calls us to be pleasing for others. I'm not so selfish where I only care about me and no one else. I have no qualms with making others happy. What happens, though, is me sacrificing so much of who I am or who I yearn to be to achieve that. And it's kind of a miserable way to live, especially at this point in my life where I need to really find out who I am and what I'm destined to be. And yours truly is just not happy.

Oyyy whatevah. Too much seriousness in that crud.

I was wondering lately if I should feel guilty over acting on my attraction to this guy at my work. Guilty in that I haven't told my friend DJ about him. He's not my boyfriend and we're not aiming to be a couple, which he seemingly doesn't have much problem with. Sometimes when I think I may still have something with him, or that he may still have something for me, he somehow manages to throw it all away just by what he says or how he acts. One of the last moments where I thought that maybe, just maybe, he's come to his senses about me was when he said, "You know I'll do anything for you." I remember thinking, wow, since when? Can this be the moment where he realizes he doesn't want to lose me? But then other moments happen with him, especially with females, where he'd seemingly love to declare how he's single and how he's "not taken" when they ask him. He's being truthful, yes, but....it's like the thought of me just doesn't cross his mind. Then there are the times where he'd so boldly declare to me how he hasn't felt that certain feeling for a woman that makes him want to fight for her. It's hard to recall his exact words, but he's pretty much saying that he's yet to find a woman he can really love or give his heart to or show too much of himself to. He uses the words "chasing women." It's to say that he wasn't into women enough to chase them. While that's not towards me per se, I'm still a part of that group. No matter how much lovey doveyness he's shown to me in the past, even THAT stuff still didn't qualify as a "chase." So it's like wow, was I just nothing then?

So why feel guilty, you may ask? Oh I dunno. Probably because I got pretty feisty with him for not telling me about the woman he was dating without telling me. I wasn't his girlfriend, but I certainly was one he had in mind, one he led to believe that he still wanted to be with, but couldn't. Then I find out about his relationship with this other woman that he had no interest in sharing with me. That just made him a liar to me. I hated knowing that he was having this thing with this woman and didn't think I'd like to know about it, especially since there I was believing that he still wanted me. So yeah, you see, I feel like I'm doing the very same thing. Dare I say, I feel hypocritical. Having this fling with this co-worker and not mentioning it to him at all. Vengeance perhaps? I dunno. But it certainly makes it easier to understand why he couldn't tell me when he was having his thing. It's not easy to say. And it's not. But the more he expresses his ways with females, the less guilty I feel. The ones who like him tend to put their hands all over him and he accepts it. He had one over his place the other day for company's sake, as if to take my place. She invited herself, really, but he was all cool with it. There are just things he says or allows to happen that doesn't suggest at all that he feels even slightly guilty. So I guess that's why I kinda DON'T feel guilty, even though so much of me feels like I should be guilty. But I can seriously see there's no need to feel guilty. I'll just have to accept that whatever affections we had never meant anything to him like they would for me.

Perhaps my lack of guilt is also based on the fact that my crush on this other guy won't lead anywhere. I'm not seriously pondering a relationship with him because I can't. I've already accepted that fact and am kinda just....enjoying the sensations of it. We're going out tonight hopefully, our first and last outing together, and that will be that. He's still gonna move to another state next week, and I'll more than likely never see him again, other than the last couple of days of work. I'm single, don't have a man who wants to fight for me, so I've embraced my attraction to someone else without letting guilt overwhelm me. I'm wallowing in what little time we have, probably even moreso than him, and I feel fine with it. He seems fine with it too, except I still try not to overlook what he's told me about not wanting to supposedly "fall" for me. I don't think that will happen though. I think think his youth works to my advantage in that way; his mind's on far too many other things than a good woman at his side, and that's totally cool. In fact, that's how it needs to be. Attraction's still there, though. Sometimes it's like he doesn't want to admit it and wants to fight it off, which is probably why he wants me to initiate alot of "moves." He'll position himself for a kiss, get very very close to my face, but always waits for me to move in. It's that whole "Hitch" move. He'll go 90 percent and waits for me to go the final 10 percent. "Oh you know you want to Linda!" he'd say. I'd just laugh. I can get soooo close too, but when I get nervous the last minute, he's disappointingly all like, "Oh come on!"

On the one day I did initiate physical contact, though, he didn't let the moment slip away. I merely asked to get close to him to smell his cologne before I left for the day, but it wasn't just a hug he ended up getting in the end. Gawd he smelled great, but I wanted a better whiff. He lifted his arms as if to make me smell his armpits, but after that good laugh, he took my request very seriously and pulled me close to him. I was doing the holding, he the embracing, but eventually I had to back off because...well...men who smell good have the added annoyance of me never wanting to let them go. Clingy Lindy. So I'd have to make myself let them go. I started to depart from his presence rambling about stuff I shouldn't have been rambling about. D'oh. But I was trying to ease my nervousness around him and unfortunately, rambling is one of those ways. He didn't seem to like the idea of me leaving just yet, though, and he tugged my shirt to pull me back to him. And since I'm not a female who's opposes the idea of a man I like wanting to hold me one more time, I didn't fight him. He drooped his head down to short ol' me to put his cheek close to mine for a few moments before turning me around to face him. And well...there he was going in for a kiss, except this time, the entire 100 percent. Seriously, all I had to do was make sure my head was tilted right and the rest fell into place. Yeaaaahhhh. A real live kiss this time, none of that peck stuff. Wow is all I could say. Something like a 10 second kiss that obviously couldn't last longer considering we were in the breakroom and such haha. As usual, I had to be the one to kinda "break it off" so no one gets carried away, even me. But I don't think either one of us liked the idea of me having to leave, though. Oh well. It had to be done. But as I said before, he didn't let the moment slip away, and it was nice.

Even this is a good reason why a transfer to another store will be good. He'll be gone to Georgia, I'll be missing him. But at another store, the drastic change will be so overwhelming that I won't have time to be missing on a guy I'd see at that aisle way over there. The whole environment will be different. No familiarity to wallow in. What's past will be past, and the future will come. I only wish it were that way where I used to work. Over there I had to stare at empty aisles remembering what it was like to see not one, not two, but three guys who used to always make my day and then realizing that they'd never appear there again. Maybe there's still a chance of me meeting the guy I'm truly gonna be with, someone who can make me flustered like the ones I have crushes on, but someone who's intentions are true, pure, and sincere, someone who will be safest person to get flustered over. Wow that would be amazing. I'm actually tired of crushing on guys I work with to be perfectly honest. I guess it happens only because they're the only ones who show enough interest in me. In public, no one ever approaches me. Not even in my church. Can I put off that bad a vibe? Eh, well...the ones I work with probably only approach me because the options are slim and they see me all the time. Take us out of the workplace, though, and all bets are off. I guess that's why I'm waiting to see how things will be when I go out with this current guy. If it happens anyway. It's in the works, but there's no telling what will happen that will cancel the plans.

Well anyway, blogs always turn out to be super long when it's about me and my feelings towards the male sex, but alas...sometimes I just need to see where I stand on the matter. I certainly have come a long way haven't I?

Ta-ta.

Yet Another Useless Ramble...

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:35:22 GMT

Gawd, this guy got so mad at me and all I was doing was looking out for his fish! I could have just not said anything and let him have our feeders, them and all their fungal infections! And the thing is, he's a regular customer. I see the man every single weekend; he's always in on the same day of the week at around the same time. We know each other's names for crying out loud! But nooo, he still decides to be a big baby about it and be all rude to me like I'm asking him to chop off his own arm and feed THAT too the fish. I think what he hated the most wasn't that he shouldn't buy the feeders, but that I didn't sell him a regular fish to be fed as a feeder. In this case, he wanted to buy a Koi, fish sold for ponds, to feed to his fish. Well they don't like us selling our normal fish as feeders, so when I told him this, he's all, "So what the hell am I supposed to do?" I'm thinking, "Um, get over it? Feed your damn fish something else?" You see people, some fish don't live on JUST other fish. Even the predatorial ones can feed off a few shrimp or dead things.

If a fish is hungry enough, they'll eat anything. And this guy only had to wait a couple more days before a new shipment anyway, but noooo, that wasn't good enough. I said he could do some live shrimp, but he was complaining about them being too small. Well who the hell cares? They're healthy and they can at least sustain his fishes' appetites until the day they can eat. What's this crap about animals having to be huge enough for a fish to be fed? Sure, it may not fill them up like a big creature would, but is it better to have a little or nothing at all? Well he started grumbling like a spoiled brat saying we should be providing "back up" feeders or whatever such nonsense when our normal feeders are sick. He kept grumbling at me, "This is ridiculous, I'm going somewhere else, this is ridiculous..." He walked away in a rather upset manner without saying anything more. I don't take it too personally; I know he was just upset that he couldn't get what he wanted to get to feed to his fish, and he displaced his anger on me, but still. I was just looking out for the guy. Whatevah. I wonder what sort of attitude he'll give me when I see him next week. Now that it's a regular customer who got feisty with me, I dunno if our interaction will be the same. Hopefully it will all just blow over.

Blah. Well anywayz....on a more semi-pleasant girly note (groan---stuff that will probably make me gag when I reread this many years down the line). I sense the following will be rambly. Not because I want to ramble for the heck of sharing details, but because I'm feeling kinda down right now, mad at the world again, etc etc, about things in my life (not relevant to this guy) and I just want to type.

After much persuasion and subtle persistence on his part, like leaning into my space while making eye contact, kissing my forehead, etc, I finally decided to let a little peck of a kiss happen between Mr. Crush and me. I already knew a kiss was inevitable since the attraction's there, but I just didn't want it to happen where he always looked for it. He's been trying all along to get a kiss outta me at work, and I always turned him down simply because we ARE at work. Like I had said before, if we had gone out and a moment called for it, it might have happened. But at work, I was going out of my way to avoid it. Too out in the open. Too risky. Too many possible interruptions. Plus, not proper. Heck, the only way we got away with even THIS one was out in the parking lot in the dark when work was over with. And it probably wouldn't have happened in even that way if I didn't slow him down from taking off from work so fast like he always does. But this day was different, though. We had much more comfortable interaction, and more time to do it. He didn't want me to leave back to my area because we were actually having lengthy conversations. Earlier in the day, he actually stood there and sang a song to me, taking hold of my hand and everything. It was all in good fun, nothing serious, but nice anyway. And later in the day I got inexplicably dizzy and started shaking. On my way to sit down, he all took hold of me and told me to look at him, asking if I was okay. It was sweet. I wasn't like dying, but yeaaaah, I wasn't feeling right at all. Couldn't see straight. He came to check on me in the breakroom mere minutes later, but seemingly with the intent to just make me laugh so I could feel better. Good enough. And appreciated.

But anyway, yeah...back to the point. As I stated earlier, it was a peck of a kiss. A simple first kiss, which is how they should always be anyway with someone new. It still may end up being the last, and if it is, it will still suffice. I won't describe every detail, but I will say that it's been awhile since I kissed someone I have butterflies for, and it was very nice. (Those damn butterflies annoy me sometimes) I don't need butterflies to like someone, but yeah...to have them at the same time is almost intoxicating. He had no intention of stealing a kiss from me apparently, never did, and always just wanted it to be my decision. We walked to our cars together, joked around how he was about to duck and cover from a distant firecracker. You know, as if they were gunshots. He jokingly was like, "Alright dude bye!" I was like right, knowing he wasn't about to leave me like that. But then he reached out to hug me, in which he looked down at me right after. Yeah, you got it. One of THOSE moments where all I had to do was look back up at him and participate. I just went with it since the moment was calling and I wasn't uncomfortable at ALL. I loved knowing he wanted to kiss me without being forceful so I figured it was definitely time. But yah, the ice is broken, and now all I have to do is continue to wait until he leaves. Which even now is still something I still need and want to happen, surprisingly. I sense all our playfulness and the like is still just play, even if there's an attraction. It's like one of these flings people have when they're out of town. I don't really condone flings, but apparently, I'm not immune to them either. My male friend DJ and I were like a fling too, but at least that relationship had potential to be something real. But this time around, with this new guy, I don't see much potential at all. Not now and probably not ever. It'd be a very wrong choice to be with him. Very wrong. But at least I know that going in and didn't have to learn it coming out.

And I'm cool with that. At least I didn't try to all out fight it, deny it, or overthink it this time around. There are definitely still aspects I simply adore about him and wish I can find in the man I'm REALLY destined to be with. In fact, if he didn't have those very traits, I may have never gotten a crush on him. Heck, when we first started talking, he was a little unnerving, a little too desperate to be funny, but came across as a little obnoxious. He was cute still, but I would be thinking, "Yeah....tone it down a bit buddy. You're young, but come on, you're still grown." But he eventually came around, learned how to be around me, and I got comfy with him and his personality fast. Once he leaves, we'll have worked together for 8 months. Fortunately, my crush on him started this year so it isn't so...deeply rooted in me. I'll still miss him and his company like I would anyone else, but eh...life must go on. These moments all still serve one purpose: knowledge. Learn to love myself because it's becoming more and more apparent that some guys are just fine with me how I am. Guh, crushes being so influential, I swear. I already hate knowing what this crush may lead to if he stays living here in Indiana. I'll constantly think about him, wonder what he's doing, if he'll call, if he's thinking about me, blah freaking BLAH. I don't need that crap now. Not now. I freaking like the guy, and as much as I crave that feeling of liking someone again, I don't want it. Not like this. Not from him. He's great, he so is...but...there's that nagging part that still just says..."No, Linda. No." It won't be worth crushing and liking someone who you just know in your gut isn't for you. That's why he needs to move. It will be for the best of me. *sigh*

I sat here today trying to do something constructive with my time, but something just wasn't right with me. Not physically I mean, but mentally. It's hard to explain. I just sat here in a daze of disinterest in all things semi-interesting. In just anything. I just wanted to sit and be miserable. Partially because I really am miserable, but also because I have too much to do and not knowing where to start. I'm feeling very, VERY irritable at the moment and I don't know why. I'm sick of how my parents are around each other, so hateful. They have no idea the vibes that their behaviors put out, and how it literally makes me queasy and rotten inside. I'm sick of the vibes I get from people when I sense they're displeased with me for being me, for making a mistake, for being something they don't like, or whatever else. I'm sick of trying to be good when it seems that only when you're bad do you actually have a more interesting, eventful, and fulfilling life. I'm sick of being beaten down by my own personal sin that I can't seem to shake, that sin of jealousy and wishing I had what everyone else has without ever being thankful for what I DO have. I know God will forgive all sins, I've confessed this sin to Him, but I'm still having problems with this one bad, deadly sin. This sin that chokes me and prevents me from growing. I suppose that's why it's considered deadly. I'm sick of living here altogether in this house. I'm glad for a home, and glad for people in it, but I'm just so sick of feeling tied down to it. I'm sick of wanting...no...yearning for things and not knowing if I'll ever obtain them. I'm sick of moments where if I do something daring or odd or obscure I'll get bullied until I break and back down into the useless mush I always am. I'm sick of being unhappy and pretending I'm not. I'm sick of living out these days feeling like nothing. I'm sick of this uselessness, of this intense urge to contribute something beneficial or pleasant to someone's life and unable or failing to do so. I'm sick of gaining weight for no apparent reason at all, and not knowing why nothing works. I'm sick of everyone else, even those who struggle, finding their bearing and purpose in life and wondering why I'm having trouble. I'm sick of these damn bills that seem to get bigger and bigger with no end in sight. I'm sick of myself for not improving my many attitudes, including this one. I'm sick of people around me being negative, which only reminds me of how sick I am of my own susceptibility to do the same. I'm sick of my ex-boyfriend, someone I dared to freaking love, whose unloving, selfish, and hurtful ways plague me to this very freaking day. I'm sick of feeling unloved and unwanted and unnecessary by any man, which is probably why I'm obsessing over this crush like I've been doing. I'm sick of even this, rambling about useless things going on in my life that have no value to anyone, even me sometimes. I'm just sick of being sick, and yet finding no path to comfort at all.

I'm gonna stop spewing now and go to bed. Bleh.

Kisses of a Crush

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:21:46 GMT

Not kisses on the lips, but still....WOW. It was all I could think about the whole day.

*long sigh* Blah.

Too big a part of me doesn't care how embarrassing it is to have a crush on so wrong a guy, but I'm thinking now it's because I know it definitely won't last since he's moving so far away. So it's like, have at it, Linda. The quick ending of such a thing is inevitable, so embrace it. Distance may make hearts grow fonder, but in my case, I sense it'll be just the buffer I need to get over it and get back to reality. Feels good to have a crush on someone who isn't so repulsed by the idea of liking me too. I want him to hurry up and leave, but at the same time, I wish to God he can stay and I hate how little time we have left to flirt and play. But no! It will only get worse if he does stay. I'll keep crushing on him, but never get involved with him because it wouldn't be smart at all. I'll still end up getting even more jealous of other girls without having a right to, (I already am! Grr!) and I soooooooo am not in the mood for that. Him leaving town for good is just something I need to happen no matter how much he will be missed. And I sure will miss him.

But alas, he's still here and I'm still all stupidly schoolgirly over him. *groan* If another one of the male co-workers is around me and he sees, he gets all cutely jealous. The other day, he's like, "What are ya doing talking with my girl?" Of course, he's playing around and pretends to be fighting off his supposed "competition," but it's soooo cute. He put his hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and was like, "Walk away, walk away." I just laughed and laughed. When I got back from vacation, the girls were telling me interesting things about him, like how they're trying to get him to ask me out, or how he naggingly asking when I'd be back, or how upset he was I didn't bring him as my date to the wedding. She claimed after telling him to ask me out, all he could say was stuff like, "It just wouldn't be right because I'm leaving." I imagine his tone of voice must have been with a hint of sadness, from how she quoted him. I smiled when I heard these things because I just didn't think he'd be thinking of me when I'm not there to remind him of my existence. So it was very nice to know that he was. For the most part.

So you could imagine how I was feeling when the day came when we finally saw each other again. What would he do? Run up to me and hug me? Yell out his nickname he gave me, his "Foshindaaaaa!" I was expecting something extravagant, or maybe even wanting it, but eh, it wasn't overly grand. Perhaps he just froze. We both just kinda smiled at each other with our eyes locking. He asked if I imagined marrying him and I was like, "Oh yeah of course!" Later on that morning, we got to talking in more detail about the wedding, his supposed anger for not coming, his feelings about me being gone, etc. Heh, he claimed he was going crazy, but I'm sure that was exaggerated. When we touched on the subject of whether or not I'll be marrying next, and my failed attempts with guys in the past, he was like, "I will be your man." I kinda smiled, chuckled, and shook my head saying, "You're gonna be leaving anyway, why would I want that?" But he just stood there smiling with his arms held open welcoming me to closer to him. "Come on, arms open, arms open. I'll be your man." I laughed at his words, but of course I couldn't resist a hug. We both gradually leaned into each other (Gawd he smelled good), and while holding me he's all like, "I'll be your man; don't worry about it." Obviously, his words are not something I'm taking to heart because he's still leaving, and I still couldn't be with him even if he wasn't, but it doesn't mean they aren't nice to hear.

The day progressed on as it normally would. That is, until I get a phone call from him on my work phone. Yeah, just like the days when my male friend DJ used to be trying to get with me back in the day when we were at work. I was smiling the whole time, but that's mainly because of how our conversation was progressing. He was pretending he wasn't himself, as if he was a friend of himself trying to find out how I felt about him. You know, like in school days where someone sends a friend to find out if someone likes them or not. So he was all like, "Yeah, so I talk to this girl named Linda, do you know her?" I played along of course, but I wasn't gonna lie either. I pretended I was a friend of myself too, and was like, "Oh yeah, I talk to Linda all the time." He's like, "Well, what does she think about this guy?" I say, "Well, Linda thinks he's kinda cool!" He's all, "Well what else does she think?" But I didn't want to get all into it on the phone. "She's pretty secretive sometimes, but maybe I can get it out of her!" I responde back. We kinda laughed and hung up, but he called back a minute later. "Yeah, it's me again," he said. "I just wanna know like, what would Linda do if I like, tried to kiss her?" My jaw dropped, but I was still smiling. "Wellllll," I had said, "I'm sure she probably wouldn't fight it off." He's all like "Oh really! So that must mean there's some kind of an attraction!" I was probably all blushy on the phone, and then started accusing him again of never being serious. I was like, "Watch something like that happen and then you'd be like just kidding and I'd be making a fool of myself!" He denied I'd be foolish and claimed he was as serious as an asthma attack, etc.

Anyway, he asked me where I was, and I playfully pretended I didn't know so he'd have to come find me. I should have stayed put to see if he'd succeed, but eh, I wanted to see if I can find him first. Plus, we're at work. The chirps of the birds gave him away, so we met rather quickly. I can't recall much of what was discussed, but I'm certain that this was the point where he showed much more interest in asking me out. He followed me around for a few minutes before saying he had to get back to work. But before he went, he kinda strocked my face and said, "Beatiful you are." I wasn't sure if I heard him right, so I asked him to repeat himself. Then I was like, "Geeze man, you're gonna start making me blush and stuff, turning all red." He chuckled and walked off. Unfortunately. Not too long after, I took my lunch, and while speaking on the phone to another co-worker in regards to a customer's question, he walks into the breakroom all smooth and full of purpose. I'm busy sitting there on the phone, unable to acknowledge him like I normally would, but he didn't care. There he was, lessening the distance between us, putting his lips to my forehead. In my mind I'm like, "Oh my God, did he just do that?" Not once. Not twice. Four times. Ever so softly, he kissed my forehead twice, my temple once, and my cheek once. WOW. That's all that went through my head. I was completely shocked. Not just that he had guts to do it, but also that it felt so damn good. And I couldn't really respond because I'm trying to be mindful of my phone call. Evil! I smiled, though, watching him smile back and leave. But momentarily, he returned, and I'm still on the friggin' phone. That time, he came just to massage my shoulders. Ugh, it's as if he WANTED to distract me. But I'm way too much an expert in disregarding affections, even if I don't want to.

What an eventful day, let me tell ya. When I was finally off the phone, he eventually came back to chit-chat some more. He can't get enough of touching my face, but this time, he aimed at my cheekbone and was like, "Wow...your cheekbones are like...amazing." Yeah, it's way overly corny, but omg, so cute. He continued on...."And your face structure, whoa!" lol, I'm almost positive he's doing this stuff to get a rise outta me and play with me like I do him, or maybe just to see my reaction, but man is it so very fun. Eventually, I dared to confess to him my feelings on him asking me out, though. The very thing I blogged about. "You know, you always say you wanna go out, but you're always running away from work and I'm like, okay? That's why I think you don't really wanna go out with me at all." He smiled and shook his head before hanging it down. Then he said something along the lines of, "No, I really do wanna go out with you, but I'm leaving and I'm afraid I might like...fall for you or something." My jaw kinda dropped because I was surprised he'd say such a thing. "Nah, stuff like that doesn't usually happen after one date," I had said. "Well you never know," he replied. I tried to make light of the matter, assuring him that I can totally prevent him from falling for me, and that he's gonna end up meeting tons of girls anyway that will replace me, but I don't think he really caught on. In fact, he was quite disagreeable. No matter. The conversation was slightly awkward anyway, because it was borderlining a little too serious and honest on both our sides.

Well anyway, this is more long-winded than I wanted to go, but I guess I just get a little too lost in it. Fact of the matter is, we do finally have each other's phone numbers, and got close to actually going to the movies together, but something came up and plans got cancelled. If he's being honest, there will probably be another chance next week. Unless he chickens out. Honestly, though, if he truly is afraid of supposedly falling for me after one non-romantic date/outing, then I will definitely respect his standpoint. I'm not gonna beg him to go out with me if he can't bring himself to do it. I suppose it would be hard anyway and an even bigger tease for both of us. It would be nice to hang out outside of work at least once, but if it can't happen, it can't happen. But oh boy, if it does, and we end up getting caught up in the moment and I end up letting him give me a kiss, it wouldn't be so bad. A first, but last kiss between two people who aren't quite made for each other, but can't deny an attraction. It'd be like the final kiss goodbye I gave to my ex boyfriend way back in the day. We were still attracted even long after we broke up, and a kiss was like the final seal of closure for us, but without true meaning. But I dunno. Such things can be very risky. I guess time will tell what will happen.

Either way, though, wow. Those forehead kisses. Do you realize how friggin' LONG it's been since I've had that? Seriously men: don't take for granted how we women still love a gentle kiss somewhere on our face that isn't our lips. It's friggin' AWESOME. I love kissing on the lips, maybe even obsessed with it, but damn...I'm still crazy about the forehead, cheek, hand, etc. WOW.

The Wedding

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 21:36:35 GMT

Family from all over the country seemed to have shuffled in simultaneously. I can't recall the last time our house was so packed with bodies. Boy was it hot too. All that body heat really suffocated the atmosphere. Still, it was very nice to see everyone again. Everyone all grown up, looking good, feeling great, loving lives. Such a huge family I have, and it was cool to have them all in one place like old times, even though it will clearly never be the same, what with everyone being grown up and all. I still refer to many of my cousins as "boys." They're all like, "Hey, we're grown men now!" I'm like "Nevahhh!"

Anyway...

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

I got my nails, toes, and eyebrows done 3 days early, but by the time the "big day" came, you can hardly see the difference with the toes. But feeling dolled up was good. As far as the nails, it really sucked having to type with those. The first day I went back to work, however, I chopped them off. The day of the wedding was somewhat chaotic what with our hair appointments and makeup appointments. I originally wanted to wear my hair down and curl it really cool, but I backed out and decided to have it put up since the lady said it was the perfect length to do so and I wanted to feel prettier. As time passed, however, and I started seeing how I was looking in pictures, I deeply regretted my choice to have it up and wished I had settled on having it down. The updo, though cute, just made me look even more bloated. My face was just way too big and huge to have no hair to at least lessen the bulge of it on the sides. There was so much I could have done, even parted it differently. After my confidence slightly climbed when I learned I can even put my hair up, it plummeted to where it was and lower once I saw how my pictures were coming out. But alas, I had to live with my choice the whole day.

The bride, my sister, was of course stunningly gorgeous. As if it was even possible to get even prettier than she always is. But it was her day, and I did what I could to make her happy, even though inside I was very disgusted with myself for even thinking I would be cute and pretty in my own right. Never have I felt so gross. I reluctantly but willingly took pictures with her, even though I was like some bloated carcass next to an elegant pearl, but whatever. If anything, my ugliness probably reminded everyone of her beauty, so I guess it served a purpose. I suppose there's no small price to pay to make the bride more radiant on her day. Though her dress was strapless (my least favorite kind), the style was still very cute and princess-like, similar to Belle in "Beauty and the Beast," except with the bridal train. I especially liked the back of it; there was a cute zig-zag design like laces on shoes that was very eye-catching. The whole thing was very surreal. Just not something I'm accustomed to seeing. My younger sis in a bridal gown, my dad clumsily giving her away, etc. Just odd to me. We were never really the sentimental type of family, and to be there in a sentimental moment was abnormal. Felt fake and weird. I'm sure my dad was just nervous and of course inexperienced, but man, it was way weird.

We all rode in the limo with her to the church, which was nice. It was a Mercedes with little laser lights and sparkles flashing every which way. Very cool stuff. I took a couple of pictures, including a rather adorable one of my second cousins, the flower girl and ringbearer. Those two are gonna be trouble. She'll grow up to be radiant and attract men like magnets, and he'll be gorgeously hot and be swarmed by girls who want his hands on them. Not trying to be nasty, of course, but my little 2nd cousins are tooooo cute and I'll be surprised if anyone resists them once they're all grown up. When we all finally made it to the church, all the bridesmaids were there, looking all sharp and pretty and dolled up. We grabbed our bouquets and just waited until the big moment when we'd have to grab our man's arms and stroll up the aisle. My feet and many of the girls' feets were already aching in those heels and we weren't at all looking forward to having to stand the whole time. *groan* Even just thinking about it makes me twitch. But the moment still came. We waited 'till our turns to walk out and get our pictures taken before continuing down the aisle. Of course my picture was beyond sickening, but that's to be expected. Yes, I exaggerate a bit, but sheesh...that dress did NOT do me justice at ALL. *sigh*

Well anyway, the ceremony continued on and I continually shifted feet to ease the swelling. The groom was nervous. Before saying his vows, he got down on his knee to present the ring to her. He tried his best to repeat the vows, but he continually stuttered over his words. Namely with, "With this wing, I thee wed." He chuckled at himself in nervousness, but people more found it cute than embarrassing. Everything else continued as any wedding would. The unity candles were substituted with vials of sand from the beach where he proposed to her, which was their idea. So instead of simultaneously lighting candles, they poured sand in one glass from two. Cute idea, especially since the day he got the sand was the day that my entire family from out of town were in Chicago eating at Gino's East pizza (the BEST deep dish pizza). We were stopped at a red light near Navy Pier, where he then jumped out of the van and literally ran towards the beach, hoping to get a cup full and run back to the van when we drove past the beach. Fortunately, the plan went smoothly, and he ran quickly back to the van as we drove over a bridge. He stuck his thumb out jokingly when our van neared him. 'Twas funny and cool to experience. I almost...ALMOST cried, but mostly because it looked like my dad was gonna cry. Otherwise, I was way too distracted with my aching feet pain. You men don't know how easy you've got it never having to wear heels!!

After the ceremony was over, we shuffled back out for hugging the guests and such. A woman from my church, a friend of the family, upon reaching me hugged me close and didn't let go. The reason? She talked quietly into my ear about how I was the prettiest bridesmaid up there, the only one who looked good in the dress. She spoke of how I was the only womanly figure up there, filling up that dress in all the right places. I just smiled, laughed, and almost cried. She's a pretty blunt woman and will never give you crap, so the fact that she would say that out of all of the girls, I was the most attractive was a bit overwhelming. I mean, of course I didn't want to believe her, but I still know she wasn't lying. But she held me for like 2 minutes praising my appearance. "You were out there working it, girl," she had said. I laughed, and probably was red as strawberries, but it was cool. But then it got weird as the day went on, because almost too many people were saying just oh how pretty or beautiful I was. It got to the point of me getting upset at their claims. Normally I can't accept compliments, but this was just too much. They were all just laying the compliments on too thick, as if trying to comfort me and make me feel better about myself. It's like they all knew I was overly self-conscious and my confidence was shot, so they decide to help me along by telling me how pretty I am when I really wasn't. Perhaps it's all in my head, perhaps not. But it sure made me feel more and more uncomfortable, people's insistence how supposedly great I looked. Bleh.

We shuffled in the limo for the reception. Fortunately, I brought a change of shoes for the event, because my feet were about ready to fall off. I didn't change into them until well into the picture-taking session. The reception started an hour later than planned because of all the different pictures we had to be in. Bridesmaids and bride, bridesmaids and groom, cousins and grandma, etc etc etc. Feet yearned for comfort! When the moment called, I removed my nylons so that I can wear my backup pair of shoes, which were like fancy flip flops, shoes I couldn't get away wearing with a pair of nylons. But boy they were such a relief. I'm so glad I remembered to bring them. Then came the moment of introducing the bridal party. Was it normal and formal with just a basic spotlight on us as we walked to our seats as our names were announced? Nope! Bride and groom decided to play the "Tanto, Jump On It!" song from Fresh Prince, and they wanted each of us to do some sort of dance with it, whatever we chose. I was of course gulping and cringing and hating having to be so out in the open with all eyes on us.

My partner groomsman wasn't too fond either, and we both of us wondered what to do. So I'm like, "Ugh, fine, let's just to the actual dance from Fresh Prince." He agreed, and we awaited our turn. So sure enough, they announced our names as the music blared and yes, yours truly, forced herself to move on that dance floor. Fortunately, my partner was more funny about it, and it made it somewhat easier to be funny too. But yeah, I did the pathetic hip movements and then the one spin with my arm in the air finger pointing to the ceiling, and yes, people all around were cheering us on. Most of them were my family, who know me all too well. They knew that THIS stuff, me being out in the open to make a fool of myself was NOT normal, so they cheered me on in encouragement it seemed. I only did the dance moves once before my self-consciousness became too much to handle, and I covered my face in embarrassment while walking to my seat. My partner still did silly stuff, but soon he was walking right after me. God, I was so happy to sit down. I was somewhat proud to have done something, but damn...I felt soooooooooooo stupid. Here's a VERY small pic of this moment, and nope, you can't click it to see a bigger version, because I deactivated that!:

The reception itself was very fun, though. I didn't dare go to the dance floor again like I would have if my dress didn't suck, but it sure was great to see what everyone else was doing out there. My new brother-in-law, having never been to a wedding before and having never knew tradition apparently, decided to craw head-first underneath my sister's dress for her garter. Everyone's bursting out laughing in shock, since that's obviously not the norm. But there he was, buried under her dress. My dad saw this of course, and to add to the scene, decided to playfully storm out there after him, grabbing his ankle to pull him out. Everyone laughs even louder. And then a few moments later, the GROOM'S father went out there to push his son back under her dress. Apparently, even though the groom had no idea of the tradition, he really was just looking for the pair of granny panties he had stashed underneath her chair. Her dress was so huge, that he actually couldn't find his way to the chair. But he pulled it off and out came the enormous pair of granny panties. Later, he crawled back under to pull her garter off with his teeth. Talk about tsk tsk, but it was still very funny. He threw the pair of granny panties before he threw the garter, and one of my cousins caught it and swung it around in a victory dance. Gosh I laughed so hard. Here's a pic:

The video I worked for weeks on was apparently a huge hit. Everyone loved it and complimented it. After a few moments of trial and error, we managed to get it loud enough for everyone to hear. People were awwing and laughing and tearing up. And unexpectedly, as the video began to display the memorable moments and pictures of her and her man, all grown up and in love, she began to cry. I mean REALLY cry. Her face was wet. I had no idea my vid will bring that about from her, but I guess in a way, I'm glad it touched her. Her husband praised it too. "Man Linda, that was TIGHT!" He stood up to hug me and gave me a kiss on my head. Many people actually thought she had a professional put that vid together for her, but nope, 'twas me. I'm sure glad it came out satisfactorily. I still think I could have done better, but hey...that goes for anything I work at. I'm my own worst critic. It's just being in the spotlight that I have trouble handling. Heck, I didn't even want to do a mini speech for them. The entire wedding party had to stand up and talk to the microphone their relationship to the groom/bride and share their feelings. When it finally was my turn, I reluctantly stood up with that horrid light shining all on me and was like, "Hi, I'm Linda. I'm her oldest sister. I really hate microphones, so I hope you'll all bear with me when my voice starts to sound funny." People laughed a bit, but started applauding me to cheer me on. Boy, my family really does know me all too well.

Well anyway, the wedding's finally over and done with. The best pics I have of myself are the ones I took by myself in the bathroom just before I took my hair down and dress off. My profile pic is one of them. But all other pictures of me where I'm with the other people were beyond horrific. I didn't know how much weight I had gained until I saw those pictures. They are definitely worth a thousand words. It's time to really, REALLY put a stop to my fatness. I should have done it long ago when I had such a massive head start. *sigh* I guess I just wanted to for once know that I'd be pretty no matter how big I am. Boy I sure did make a liar of myself, didn't I? Oh well. One day it will all change. To be fair to myself, though, 90 percent of my anger at my physical appearance goes all towards that damn dress. That style, no matter how much people have told me I fill it in nice, was just NOT designed for women my size. Stupid designers.

The one plus of being on vacation, though, was coming back to my crush at work, who has gotten even more brave in expressing stuff to me and was seemingly missing me. But that's an upcoming all its own blog.

EDIT: Fine, fine. This is the only picture I'm willing to show with me in my dress, but even this isn't my dress in its entirety. Again, my better pics were only when I was in the bathroom by myself before taking down all my hair and stuff. This one is obviously just of my reflection in the mirror, which I've never done before. All other pics need to burn in a blazing fire, and quite promptly. Hey, but check out my awesome camera though. At least THAT'S something grand to look at.

The table decor, which I can't believe I forgot to share:

Without flash, the way they REALLY looked:

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 02:33:56 GMT

Oyy. Weddings.

Baby sis is finally married. Too sleepy to discuss the wedding at the moment, but I sure am glad it's over. Glad indeed.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 23:24:39 GMT

*rubs temples*

I just don't know if this vid will be turn out well. I'm trying to get this thing done for my sister's wedding, but it's just so dull to me. Their choice of song to be played is blah, and I can't get any audio from his video clips. I wanted to them to contribute more modern videos of the two of them, preferably with the two of them talking to the camera, but they didn't seem too enthused about the idea. I dunno. I just thought it'd be nice to have them talking about each other in either nice or funny ways, something to make people smile, laugh, or aww at the reception. But blah. The wedding's on Friday and I'm barely over halfway there. My lack of enthusiasm for this project has severely been crippling me. *sigh*

So I'm taking a break.

Let me talk about a fun topic that has been my most interesting to blog about as of late. Things between Mr. Crush and I has certainly evolved. He'll unfortunately be moving to another state thousands of miles away in July, so it's seemingly leading to rather memorable moments with us, at least for me. They won't last forever and so...I'm trying to take it all in. Ugh, but now I'm at the point where it's hard to look him in the eye. That damn self-consciousness. It's odd, though. His words and many of his actions while at work seem to suggest that he's desperate to spend as much time with me as possible before he leaves. But at the same time, he's made no effort into literally acting on that desire. It's like we're still having the fun and flirty games at work, and very willingly, but nothing beyond there. He hasn't asked for my number nor has gone out of his way to literally hang with me after work. Oh sure, he'd say let's go on a date, or let's hang out, or let's spend as much time as possible together since I'm leaving soon, or that he'll seriously miss me, but well...okay? Are you gonna wait for me after work so we can maybe actually do something for once without being interrupted by customers/workers? Nah, he hasn't, doesn't, and seemingly won't. So in a way, I don't really believe him when he expresses interests like that, which as I said before, is cool with me. It's nice to hear anyway. There's no need to start something that won't finish, but still. Doesn't mean it wouldn't be cool to for once have fun with him without feeling the obvious restraints at work. Plus, it's a DIFFERENT GUY other than my male friend DJ, who can be such a drag sometimes. But alas, I can't be the only one chasing that desire. So I dunno. *shrug*

I sense he likes me as much as I like him, but eh, not enough. And that's perfectly fine since it wouldn't work anyway. That doesn't mean he doesn't flirt or gets physical with me, though. He's much more brave to express his attraction now, even in front of co-workers, doing the silly stuff like poking my sides, rubbing my ears, playing with or messing up my hair, and his personal fave, stroking my face. The other day, I was walking behind him and yelled out, "Get to work! Do some real work for once!" He whipped around with an exaggerated smile on his face and jogged towards me with his arms wide open to embrace me. But his pace suggested otherwise, and as I lifted my arms to accomodate him, I instantly suspected that he wasn't about to JUST hug me. Nope, he decides to have a running start to swoop his arms around me to pick me up and spin me around while hugging me tight. Instinctively I'm saying, "No, no, no!" before he grabbed me, but it was too late and my feet were off the ground. I clung to his uh--ahem--nice broad shoulders to let him spin me around until he wanted to put me back down. After about 3 or 4 spins, he puts me down, in which I accidentally stepped on his foot. He's like, "Are you okay?" I just hung my head down all embarrassed and asked if HE was okay. He's all like "Uh, yeah? Why wouldn't I be?" Blah. I'm not a very light girl, and as much I love a man's arms around me, I just can't get over the fact that I'm very heavy. He asked why I kept saying no, no, no, and that's all the reason I could say. He scoffed at the fact that I thought he couldn't lift me, but blah. Force of habit to be so self-scolding.

I'm getting braver too. At least, in some ways. If he puts his hand out for me to take it, I'll do so. He playfully pushed me today, and I did the same thing. Except when I pushed him, he totally dramatized it, throwing himself into the glass like he was gonna crash through, and then he let the huge wooden skid he was dragging to fall back to the floor. The noise was very loud, and I was jaw-dropped. "Why do you gotta make this huge scene!" I exclaimed. Made me laugh, though. The day before, he snuck up behind me to hover over me with his head tilted down towards my ear, and in a purposeful deep voice said, "Hey Linda." Well of course it scared the crap out of me since I didn't know he was there, and I jolted all up and down my spine like I was having spasms. I walked away a little, hand to my forehead trying to contain my fear and embarrassment, while he stood there mouth open in shock of how scared I got. He laughed of course, and put his hand on my wrist saying, "Don't hit me, don't hit me!" He asked if I was okay, since I reacted rather strongly. He then proceeded to imitate my reaction, jerking his back around like someone was stabbing his spine. The scene must have amused him, though. Still, he felt bad because I so couldn't look at him since I was so flustered, and he asked, "Aww do you need a hug?" He put his arms around me while I leaned back on him trying to hide my shame. "Oh I love you girl," he had said, just before he claimed he was kidding as always. As I calmed down, he came back behind me to put his hands on my shoulders to massage them, and put me back at ease, which was oh so nice.

So yeah, it all still sucks. He tried to scare me again today, but he was far too gentle, and his hands on my shoulders didn't quite scare me but felt insanely good as they did before. I hate to admit it, but I'm kinda wishing he was gone already so this stupid crush of mine will already be on the path to withering and dying already. It's really just stupid. It's fun and feels good, but eh...it's all such a friggin' waste that proves all the more how much I long for this stuff. Just stupid. This countdown to his departure date makes it more frustrating and yet easier at the same time. Don't ask me to explain, because I have no idea how. It just is. I don't want to fall in love with the guy, nor do I want a serious romance. But dammit, I just love being around him and I wish I can do so one on one just once before he's gone forever. Being at work is just...argh. But at the same time, I don't want to seem desperate to hang out. If he really wanted that, he'd put more effort, but I don't think he does. So I must learn to deal with that and just...take what I can get. Ugh, can someone please slap me away from this stupid girly crap? Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Well enough about this. I gotta get back to my sister's wedding present. The wedding's Friday dangit. FRIDAY!