I'll only be down long enough to pick myself back up... "I will provide for their needs before they ask,
and I will help them while they are still asking for help."
Isaiah 65:24 
Though I feel lost in this storm...I know I'm getting
much needed rain... Word describing this past week: rotten. The weekend before I was suddenly hit with a wave of... desperation. I was desperate for a breath of freshness... I was suddenly filled with discouragment, frustration, hurt, and alot of insecurity. Sunday I was given pictures from Kayla's wedding...and I was just totally disgusted with myself. There were all sorts of compliments for them.. and with everyone I felt it was lie after lie. Just before worship began, this lady who I've had some conflict with came up to me, give me a breath from God-- She said that His joy would soon come, it will spring out all around me... ::In this flesh I feel so worthless, this air is so thick... but in these tears... I'm getting my rain:: During worship discouragment hit me more, as I watched the Praise team stand up and sing...and seeing an unexpected addition, someone who hasn't really "been there" in ages and was suddenly doing a solo again. I was happy to see him 'back in the game'.. I really hope he's getting his real life back together... but my heart longed to be up there.. to be leading worship, and I was suddenly put in a 'friend's' shoes- It's in my heart to lead worship, I know the songs, why am I not up there? And I found myself not wanting to sing at all. I felt.. dead to it. Trying to 'keep my face' during church to be an encouragment..an example.. yet feeling so heavy inside. Right after church the same lady came up to me..and God spoke again: You are a true woman of God, right now you're in a place of discouragment and hurt... but God will fulfill His promises for you. You're in a place of waiting, and know that you are not alone. God has a big plan for you, and I don't know if it's with big lights on a stage...or something smaller... but God will bring you to it in the right time. *thank you God for humbling me... and speaking through the most unlikely people.. to lift my back on my feet* When being on track with God.. .the devil is automatically tries to throw stuff in your way. I've found out that I'm not starting this semester out very well. I'm not doing as well on tests as I thought I had, and should of been. It's stressful mainly because I have to pass everything to graduate this semester... and I have to do even better to get HOPE back. I keep having to remind myself that it's only the first few tests...and I have a whole semester to bring my grades up...but this week I was revealed how much work I'm going to have to do. Tuesday morning I found out that the oldest member of our little church..someone who has been going to our church since he was like 2mnts old... passed away earlier that morning. They say that the doctors were about to put a cathiter in him, and he said: "Never mind, I'm going home." James was such an awesome man... he was such an encouragment to me. He had so much faith in God.. he KNEW who he was in Him. He had the best stories about Maysville=) I rejoice..bc he's in a happier place.. he's getting to experience God.. and be reunited with his wife... it's awesome to think about... but that day I was kinda in a daze about it all... I was in selfish disappointment for having to go home again when I could finally spend it with friends at YHC (it would of been the first weekend I stayed at YHC this semester). It's not that I had to go home for the funeral...but more so I was really looking forward to staying around college...and having excitement turned into discontent is rough. Just the mixture of feelings along with stress of school and such... lead to me breaking down at least three times that day. I'm thankful for God placing friends in my life to just have their arm around me as I cry. And I'm thankful that God humbled me... and showed me what I could be selfish in. Just random conversations with friends were hard..two in particular. One..who's life has completely flipped compared to last year.. and it's just so hard to see him in that place, knowing there is so much more for him.. and he knows too.. but he just doesn't want to change. And another where our friendship as a whole was questioned... making everything that once helped defined our friendship suddenly deny it. ... I just dont want to be someone who they think has given up on them... bc though I can't really change their minds ab me, what kind of podium they all seem to put me on... I'm still be there. .... my mind keeps wandering. I'll just end in that.... Where God gives you a storm...He will soon give you the blessing of rain. And sometimes you have to chase the storm inorder to get the rain. I went home for the funeral... and there was such peace in the atmosphere. I ended up driving back Saturday afternoon with Will where we spent it flying kites&such. I saw God's work in action.. as all I could do was laugh and laugh.. having His joy spring from me =D My God.. is an awesome God. | 