When you think of it, there are only two things you need to make people. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise it's sex and food. But for some reason sex is dirty.

Somebody said, "Alright, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have a hell of a time."

What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.

When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you! Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."

Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.

Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Ohmigod! It's a pepperoni."

Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."

Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section.

Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.

The police would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."

Hookers would become cooks. You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"

Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.

Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. And we would all remember the first time our mother caught us marinating.

In other news, i'm beginning falling in love with my boyfriend's best friend. He's leaving Australia to go to England in 3 months time. He'll be over there for at least a year. What a typically Melanie thing to do!!