Long time no post. . .

I'm a perfectionist.  I hate it sometimes.  I've always had issues with wanting to be perfect and doing everything right.  When I was 12 it all started.  I thought that if I could be perfect that my dad wouldn't leave us.  I thought it was something that I did.  Like I wasn't good enough.  I beat myself up all the time.  I get down on myself.  I'm not perfect and I have a problem with that. 

Perfectionism can be a good thing.  It works well with performers.  There was rarely ever an instance in highschool when I messed up in Show choir.  When I did mess up, I would go home and work on that move for hours.  I HAD to be perfect then.

This is my problem.  Nobody knows how much I struggle with this.  It is the reason why I think the thoughts that I do.  I mess up and get down on myself which then makes me mess up again and I get even more upset and then I mess up again and. . .you know the rest.  It just keeps going.  When I was in the hospital, they made me read a book.  It was about perfectionism.  The pro's and the con's.  It helped at the moment, but I went back to being a perfectionst again.

Bless Tim's heart.  He tries.  When I stand in front of the mirror, I'm not looking at how "hot" my body looks. . .I see fat.  I always have and always will.  I try to change it, but when I look in the mirror, all I can see are the inperfections and then I hate myself.  It's funny to me because people don't know how insecure I am.  I supposedly have "confidence" in myself.  The way I talk and carry myself.  That's just the actress in me.  I don't have low self esteem.  I have problems with not being perfect.  This battle will go on forever. . .

I've been thinking about this for so long that I'm starting to go numb.  One minuted I'm upset and want to cry because he forgets about me.  Then I think that I should be less needy, but I do have needs and they aren't being met.  Then I get mad that he forgot me.  Like what am I not good enough for you to even TEXT me to say goodnight.  I don't think I ask too much of him.  

He always wants to know what I want.  I fucking tell him and he doesn't do a damn thing about it.  I'm about ready to say "here is my heart on a platter, go ahead and stomp on it"  I'm almost to the point where I'm going to give him everything he wants just so HE is happy.  At least that way somebody is happy in this relationship.  

I'm sick and tired of fighting with myself over him.  He will go through a phase where he feels like a horrible boyfriend and wants to change, but when it comes down to it. . .he's more concentrated on what HE wants.  

Then there are times when he send me those text messages that make me have butterflies.  He sent me one today saying that he doesn't want to fight and he hates fighting.  He also said that he was going to make it up to me tonight.  I don't know how I'm going to act tonight.  I honestly don't.  I could yell at him.  I could cry.  I could act like nothing is wrong.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!  It all depends on when he gets to my house.  It depends on whether or not I can tell that he's sorry.

I told him that I would change and I've tried.  This is what happens when I tell him what I want.  We fucking fight.  When I think about it, every time we fight, it's because I wanted something and didn't get it.  So I got upset.  Then I feel bad for wanting that in the first place.  Wait a minute.  FUCK THAT!!!  I want to be selfish, but I don't want to lose him.  I love him and he's the best thing that has happened to me.  I'll keep you updated on what happens.