My StoriesHaley
My fingers fumbled as I reached into my pocket and opened the flimsy pack. My hand was shaking as I brought the cigarette to my lips and lit it. I took a long drag and stared up at the stars. It was a beautiful starless night.
"Hey stranger." A voice behind me said.
I turned around to find Charlotte, my girlfriend. I quickly hid the cigarette behind my back and tried to keep the smoke in my mouth as I replied, "Hey."
"You’re not smoking are you?" She questioned, suspiciously raising her eyebrow.
"Of course not," I swallowed the smoke that was in my mouth and coughed as it went down my throat.
"Are you okay?" She asked, concerned.
In between coughs I managed to get out, "Yeah, I’m fine. Just some," cough, "...bad air."
She didn’t look convinced. "Okay." She hesitated. "So what are you doing out here?"
"Just looking at the beautiful sky and thinking of you." I smiled, trying to get her on another topic.
She smiled shyly and said, "How sweet, just like you Haley," and bent in to kiss me.
I sighed as her lips split from mine and I looked at her. She looked at me with some anger in her eyes.
"You are smoking, I knew it. I can taste it in your breath," she said angrily.
"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied and tried to hide it from you. I’ve just been extra stressed lately. It won’t happen again!" I said apologetically.
We looked out over the balcony. I dropped my cigarette and stepped on it to put it out. My hand found hers as her head rested on my shoulder and she closed her eyes.
"I hope not. I love you." She whispered into the cold night air.
My eyes caught the moon as my lips formed the words; "I love you, too." I wasn’t even sure if they were true. I was sure that there was no way that I was going to humiliate someone that I was so close to.
"Haley," My mom’s muffled voice called through the sliding door that went into my room. She opened it, took one look at the two of us, and said, "What are you two doing? It’s after midnight."
I turned around and Charlotte awoke from her sleep, "Huh," she rubbed her tired eyes and faced my mother to see what awoke her. "Oh, uh, hi," She said a little embarrassed and worried that we would get in trouble.
"Oh, hey mom," I said, also a little worried. I smiled innocently in hopes she would know we weren’t doing anything.
She sighed and said, "I think it’s time for you to go home Charlotte."
Charlotte turned to me and waved, "Bye," she whispered. She walked off the balcony and into my room, turned around to make sure my mom wasn’t yelling at me, and walked into the hallway and down the stairs.
"You know we weren’t doing anything," I said, hoping she would agree.
"Well you could have. Your room’s not that far away." She looked at me sternly making sure I would know to never do that.
"Mom, I wouldn’t. You know me, and you know Charlotte. She wouldn’t either." I replied, almost convincingly.
"I’m not sure I know her very well. But you certainly do, you spend all your free time with her." She still wasn’t convinced.
"Not all of it..." I thought about how much time I really did spend with her. After tonight I wasn’t sure that I really did love her...Maybe we should spend less time together.
"I think you should spend less time together." She was reading my mind. "You’re getting too attached. And what with college coming up in a year-and-a-half, I think you should be noticing other options.”
“Okay," I replied. I knew Charlotte would be devastated.
"Okay? That’s it? No, ‘Stop controlling my life, mom’? No, ‘I love her, why shouldn’t we spend every waking moment together’? Wow, this one was too easy." She was surprised.
I shrugged. I don’t think I did truly love her. Maybe I really shouldn’t spend every waking moment with her. "I’m turning in." I yawned convincingly. "Goodnight." I walked into my room and sat on my bed, waiting for her to pass through my room and go back into hers.
What my mom didn’t know was that I was going to get out my laptop and have a little chat with Pete, my online friend who always gave me good advice. He knew just what to say in times of crisis. I turned on the laptop and waited for it to boot up. I signed onto AIM on my screen name ‘haleyheat153’ and waited while it connected to the Internet. Thank goodness Pete was on. He was almost always on when I needed him. I sent him a chat invite and we started talking.
Chat room:
OnlineHost: < :Peterpan870: > has entered the room
Haleyheat153: hey Pete
Peterpan870: was^ Haley?
Haleyheat153: nuttin
Peterpan870: more gf problems?
Haleyheat153: howdya know?
Peterpan870: oooooo, im psychic
Haleyheat153: ok, we’re here to talk serious business...
Peterpan870: *AHEM* ok, talk
Haleyheat153: well my gf loves me and she said so tonight...and my mom found us out on the balcony at midnight snuggling together...she thought we were having sex!
Peterpan870: on the balcony? are you kidding me? lmao
Haleyheat153: i know. what the hell does she think we are, savages?
Peterpan870: but wut about the ‘i love you’ part, wut’s bad about that?
Haleyheat153: i dont know how to say this...but i dont love her
Peterpan870: wow...big fix...dunno wut to say
Haleyheat153: yah...
OnlineHost: < : Charbabe3: > has entered the room
Haleyheat153: shit...
Charbabe3: hey Haley
Peterpan870: whos this?
Haleyheat153: hey char
Peterpan870: wut...im lost
Charbabe3: duh, im his gf!
Peterpan870: oohhh...
Charbabe3: wut wuz the shit 4?
Haleyheat153: oh, uh my mom caught me on the comp...i better get off
Charbabe3:  awww...really? can’t u stay anyway?
Peterpan870: too bad man...
Charbabe3: pleeeease...*pouts*
Haleyheat153: ummm...i guess i can stay 4 a few mins
Charbabe3:  i always get wut i want
Peterpan870: HA...HA!
Charbabe3: what are u laughing at?
Peterpan870: oh...nothing...*chuckles silently*
Charbabe3: WHAT?!
Haleyheat153: uh...i might have told him something...
Charbabe3: and wut might that have been?
Haleyheat153: that we were practically doin it on my balcony...: -X
Charbabe3: what are you talking about? U think i would have?
Charbabe3: i can’t believe U told him! do U even know this creep?
Haleyheat153: well...not personally...but he gives me advice and stuff...
Charbabe3: what advice do U need, how 2 have sex with Ur gf?
Haleyheat153: no, i was just askin him about my mom...
Peterpan870: oops...my bad...i started a feud...
Charbabe3: thanx 4 telling me peter...or i might have seriously embarrassed myself when i saw him tomorrow...
Charbabe3: key word here ‘saw’ guess Ur gonna havta work on Ur science project alone
Haleyheat153: no, i wouldn’t have made a move on U...
Charbabe3: im not sure i couldn’t say U would
Peterpan870: oops...sry Haley...
Haleyheat153: it’s not Ur fault...i shouldnt have told U something so personal
Charbabe3: yah, no duh
Charbabe3: good luck with Ur sex life
OnlineHost: < :Charbabe3: > has left the room
Peterpan870: wow...sry man...
Haleyheat153: i guess i wont b spending much time with her...: -\
Peterpan870: yah, doesn’t sound like u’ll b spending any time with her
Peterpan870: did Ur mom really find U online?
Haleyheat153: no, i was just tryin 2 make an excuse 2 get off
Peterpan870: ok
Haleyheat153: really g2g now, bye
Peterpan870: ok bye
Shit, now she was really angry and no way was she coming over tomorrow to help me with my Science project. Well, I'm not sure there would be anything scientific going on except for chemistry anyway.
"Haley!" My mom yelled from her door. "Are you going to bed?"
"Yeah, of course." I said, lying through my teeth.
"Okay, goodnight. I love you, hunny!" She said sweetly.
"Goodnight." I said flatly, avoiding the 'I love you.' I had enough trouble with those words already today.
I closed my laptop and lay on my bed examining the ceiling. I wished I could light up a cigarette. But if I did it inside, mom would smell it. If I went outside, mom would hear me opening the sliding door. I would have to wait until morning, when I could go out while mom was at work.
I must have slept sometime, because before I knew it, I heard mom slowly and quietly walking downstairs, not knowing that I was already awake. I slyly got up and crept over to the sliding door. Looking out onto the balcony I realized how early in the morning it was. I guess it was about 7:30 A.M. because it was barely light out. It looked so peaceful and inviting, just how could I pass it up.
The morning air rushed in as I slid open the door. The planks of the balcony squeaked a little and I made sure not to make too much noise or else my mom would hear it from the driveway. It was pretty silent and the sound carried fast. The crumpled cigarette pack that I took out of my pocket had one left in it. I sighed and made a mental note to go out and buy some more. My lighter wasn't lighting as I flicked it a few times.
"Damn," I cursed under my breath, just my luck. I angrily threw the pack off the balcony and it landed on the lawn. I sighed and tried to calm down. People weren't kidding when they said these things were addicting. Maybe Charlotte didn't want me to smoke for a reason and maybe I'm a dumb-ass for not realizing that.
I rested my head in my hands and leaned on the railing with my elbows. Taking a deep breath in, I relaxed and started thinking about Charlotte. I imagined her laughing and flipping her golden brown hair. I stared at her figure wondering why I hadn't gone farther last night. "God she's hot," I thought out loud.
"Who's hot?" A familiar female voice said behind me.
I quickly turned around to face Michelle, my ex-girlfriend. "Ooh, no one." I stuttered.
She raised her eyebrow and smiled. I'm sure she guessed about Charlotte and me. She had a way of finding things out. "What are you doing tonight?"
"Um," I was still startled by her sudden appearance.
"Don't worry, I don't bite." She said innocently. "I'll help fill your schedule if you're free." She said it like she didn't know that I wasn't doing anything, but it was obvious to me because I know her.
I loved her once, and any fool can see why. She's like the perfect Charlie's Angel, dark brown hair, long slender legs, catching brown eyes, perfectly plucked eyebrows. Hell, she was perfect. Who knows, maybe I could love her again.
"Hello?" She stared at me wide-eyed, it seemed like I was ignoring her and she was not used to it. I couldn't help staring at her, remembering what we used to be, and forgetting all about Charlotte.
"Huh? Oh, sorry," I said, awaking from the spell. "I was thinking."
"About what?" she asked daringly.
I sighed and looked up at the sky. "What we used to be," my eyes came level with hers.
"Me too." I watched her eyelids close over her eyes. Slowly, down, up, down, up. I was transfixed in a world revolving around her. It made my own eyelids droop just watching her. "So, what are we going to do tonight?" She asked, assuming that I would accept her offer to get together and assuming right.
"I don't know. It depends on what my mom is doing." I cocked my head to one side and put my elbow on the rail, all the while staring at her.
"Well, okay." She said, shrugging, trying to seem careless whether I went out with her or not.
"But I'm sure she wouldn't mind," I said quickly. Although I didn't want to explain anything to my mom about Charlotte, there was no way I could pass up another date with Michelle, especially with her looking so hot today.
She smiled, almost evilly, happy that she could get what she wanted. She strutted over to me and put her elbow on the railing just like I had mine. Her brown eyes pierced my green ones, looking into my soul. God, she had a way to almost read your mind just by looking into your eyes.
"So, how's Charlotte?" she asked, determined to get my side of the story.
"Well," I started, trying to figure out what to tell her. "She's okay. We're taking a break from each other...I guess you could say."
"Oh, did you two have a fight?" She said, sympathetically, and it was almost believable.
I ran my hand through my hair and turned my head to her. "Well, yeah..."
"What aren't you telling me?" She leaned in closer. Her red lips moved slowly as she whispered, "You can trust me."
"My mom caught us out here after midnight and she thought we were having sex or something. I don't know, my mom has no clue," I confessed.
"And...?" I was definitely gonna spill.
"I told my friend online and she got on and found out and freaked...So she's angry at me and my mom wants me to see less of her." It all just tumbled out of my mouth. I felt like I didn't have any control over my own lips.
"Awww, I bet it hurts," she said, faking a sad voice. She leaned her head on my shoulder and rubbed my back with her hand. "It's ok," she cooed into my ear.
"She told me she loved me," I blurted, avoiding the look of her eyes.
She seemed taken aback with this. She stood up straight. "What," she said, disbelieving, "and what did you say?" Her outlined eyelids stayed open, blank and staring.
I sighed, "I said 'I love you' back...But I don't think I do."
"Then what's the problem? So she loves you, who cares?" She was getting offensive.
"Well, she was my girlfriend for almost a year, I can't just throw her away. I said I didn't love her, that doesn't mean I don't care about her." I was just as offensive.
"Fine, does it help for me to say I still love you?" She huffed.
"A little." I said, teasing her. I smiled and she knew she had gotten back into my little world. But how long was she going to stay the center of it?
Before I knew it, our heads were leaning in and our lips puckered. It was energizing to kiss her again. I had forgotten what a great kisser she was. Hey, if I couldn't have Charlotte, why not take Michelle back?
I had an idea, "Hey, how 'bout we go walking downtown? Maybe stop at a coffee shop or something?"
"That sounds like fun. Sure." She agreed.
I left a note to my mom telling her where I was going and that I would be back by three, but I specifically left out whom I was going with. Hoping my mom wouldn’t notice, I took a few fives out of her purse on our way to the door. Michelle quickly dragged me out of the house and we started down the sidewalk. She reached for my hand and it reminded me of Charlotte. I remembered holding hands with her, walking downtown and then stopping and getting hot chocolate at the coffee shop. Just as these memories were playing in my mind, Michelle leaned in, kissed me, and my head went back to her.
Throughout the day I felt people staring. Some of them were my friends, some were Charlotte's friends, and some were Michelle's friends. Charlotte's friends would glare whenever they saw Michelle and me walking by. My friends were surprised to see me with Michelle again. Michelle's friends would smile, wave, and then gossip with their friends. Yet no matter who they were, they all wanted to know what was going on.
When we got into downtown, a particular group of people seemed to be the most interested. When I got closer to see who was waving at me, I recognized the girl as none other than Amber, one of Charlotte's closest friends. I waved back feebly and tried to put on a convincing smile. Her friends stared at me and whispered. I could tell this was going to be very awkward and I wished I could have avoided it.
I drew in a deep breath and managed to say in very mellow voice, "Hey."
"Hey Haley!" Amber said over-enthusiastically, grinning from ear to ear. "Great to see you again. Where's Char?" I was afraid she would bring this up.
"Oh, you haven't talked to her?" When she shook her head I gulped and whispered, "We broke up."
"Oh." Her face sagged and her eyes shifted over to Michelle who looked particularly bored, twirling her hair. "I’m sorry to hear that," I could tell there was a small bit of anger in her voice.
She knew my past with Michelle, and, as Char’s best friend, she felt what Char felt. And, like everyone else in our school, she knew Michelle’s past. It was a sort of reputation that girls dreamed of, yet scowled at. Surely any guy would kill to go out, even just once, with a girl like Michelle. Most people envied me because I not only went out with her about 10 times, she loved me in a way she loved no other guy and we were dating for quite some time, until I met Char. Now I was back into Michelle’s arms and that just strangled all of her admirerers.
A husky man wrapped his arms around Amber’s shoulders. "So, this is the Haley I’ve heard so much about?" he questioned motioning to me.
She nodded, "Yeah."
"Who are you? What have you heard about me?" I asked, curious.
"The name’s Jason. I heard you’re a huge bastard," his eyes narrowed.
"And who told you that?" I clenched my fists; I had a feeling there was going to be a fight.
"Charlotte, duh. After she broke up with you she called me and--," he said before Amber interrupted him.
"She called you?" She turned her head and looked at him with jealousy in her eyes. "Why, of all people, would she call you?"
"Uh, well she wanted to vent her feelings," he said uneasily.
"So why she didn’t call me, her best friend?" Amber questioned furiously.
"I don’t know. You should ask her that," he said, trying to change the subject. "Well uh," he said, turning back to me, "she said you were a huge bastard because you figured she’d sleep with you. As far as I can see, that’s just what you are, goin around with a slut tied to your wrist," he sneered.
I knew he was just trying to get me mad, but hell, it was working. My fist and arm arched up and I punched him in the stomach in a spasmodic movement.
As he choked for air and dropped to his knees I pulled Michelle away, saying, "Let’s go. I don’t need any more of this shit." Amber was making sure he was ok when she looked up at me and I saw sadness in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t feel so proud for my smack down.
As we walked farther down the sidewalk, Aaron, one of my friends in the gang ran up to me. "Haley," he said, "I saw you bring down that Jason guy. That was awesome!" We high-fived as he congratulated me. "Who’s this?" Aaron’s eyes shifted over to Michelle. He wasn’t from our school or else he would know her.
"Oh, this is my girlfriend, Michelle," I said, introducing her.
"Ooh-lala," he said as he looked into her eyes, flashing his brown ones. Aaron was known to flirt with just about every girl he laid his eyes on, even his friends’ girlfriends. Just about half of the girls would dump their boyfriends for him. Then, the one he picked would go out with him for about a week, until he got tired of them and picked another. He was certainly more handsome than I was and I was afraid of losing Michelle.
"Hey, paws off," I said defensively. "She’s mine."
Aaron took a step back, "Hey, I didn’t mean anything by it."
"Sure," I said, glaring at him. I spotted the coffee shop and veered left in front of Aaron to cross the street while pulling Michelle behind.
Once we got in I ordered two of my usual and sat down at a two person table with Michelle. "Sorry I’ve just been dragging you around everywhere. And I’m sorry for my rude friends."
She smiled up at me. "It’s okay. This way, the time I spend with you is precious. So let’s make the most of it." She closed her eyes and I felt her face getting nearer. I slowly closed my eyes and wondered who was watching.
Once her lips broke away from mine and we opened our eyes, I felt every eye on me. Most of these people were here whenever Char and I came and they were stunned to see me here, kissing another girl. I blushed.
"Embarrassed to kiss me in public?" She said, smiling.
"A little," I whispered. My face still felt a little hot as the waiter brought over our coffees. I buried my face in my cup, wanting to be anywhere but there.
She slowly lifted her cup, sipping her coffee, never taking her eyes off me. As I came out of hiding, I noticed the way she was looking at me. It was the same way she looked at any guy, all the guys.
"Do you love me?" I asked her, still whispering.
"Of course I love you," she said, a little edgy.
"But--," I said, before she interrupted me.
"But nothing," she said, kissing me again.
"You can’t just kiss me every time I try to talk to you," I said, with a tinge of anger in my voice.
"Keep your voice down," she whispered. "People are staring."
"They were staring when we kissed, but you didn’t care then," I said angrily.
"What’s wrong?" she said, making a pouty face.
"What’s wrong?" I repeated, "What’s wrong?" I said again, louder. I had woken up from her spell and now I realized what she was doing. "What’s wrong is that you’re just using me. I’m on the rebound and you think I might still have feelings for you. So you just jump in and think I’ll take you back and not have a clue? Well I’m not an idiot Michelle. I think just about every guy in the school would date you, whether they have a girlfriend at the moment or not. You’re just a slutty bitch who thinks she can take away every guys heart and virginity," at that remark, people gasped. I stood up from my chair so fast it fell over. "I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Leave me alone and go find one of those other hundred guys to drag around and fuck up."
Her eyes narrowed and I saw an emotion in her face that I had thought didn’t exist in her ‘loving’ heart. I had brought her down and now she wanted me eliminated. The hatred in her face seemed to melt as her eyes welled up with fake tears and she stormed out of the coffee shop with her head in her hands, trying to make people feel sorry for her and for me to look like ‘the bad guy.’
I felt proud. No more would that bitch be taking over me. I left my half-empty coffee cup on the table and went to the counter to pay. The cashier seemed frightened of me as I shoved the money in his face and grumbled, "Keep the change."
Most likely Michelle ran to her group of friends to ‘cry her eyes out’ and plan her revenge.
"Shit," I screamed, kicking a fire hydrant. I ignored the stares from people on the sidewalk. I thrust my hands in my pockets and bolted forward towards the drug store. As I entered I greeted the guy at the counter that I knew so well. "Hey, Steve."
"Haley! It’s been a few days since I’ve seen you around here. Marlboro is what you want, huh?" he said grabbing a pack off the shelf behind him.
"Yeah, my usual. Thanks," I said taking it out of his hands and giving him a five-dollar bill. "Oh, and I need a new lighter," I said, "Any recommendations?"
"Hmmm, Bic is super cheap and pretty good," he took one of the racks and gave it to me.
"OK, sure. Thanks again. See ya," I waved as I walked towards the door.
"Later, Haley," he said.
As I stepped outside, I ripped open my pack and lit a new cigarette. I took a deep drag and slowly let the smoke out of my mouth. I knew I should quit, but I just needed something to calm me.
My feet must have been stepping by themselves, because before I knew it I had walked about a block, the entire time my mouth was spurting out a small trail of smoke behind me.
Things were spinning through my mind, but the most often thought I had was Charlotte. How was she? What was she doing? Would she ever forgive me? Does she still love me?
I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair trying to clear my head. I couldn’t think about anything else. What was wrong with me? I started power walking towards her street. By the time I rounded the corner, I was sprinting.
I reached her house and ran up the walkway to her door. I paused at the door, leaning on it to catch my breath and gather up courage. I felt the door start to move inwards as someone opened the door. I was startled as I looked at the person who had opened it. It was Charlotte, my dear, dear Charlotte.
She wasn’t looking in my direction, but yelling something to someone in another room, "Yeah dad, Jason and I will be back around 10:00." She turned towards me and gasped, "You scared me," she said, startled.
"Where are you and Jason going?" I tried my hardest not to sound sad or as if I cared.
"Oh, um, we’re gonna drive down to Philly," she said a little uneasily.
I nodded, "OK. So, how is Jason’s stomach doing?" I said, smiling slightly.
Her eyes narrowed, "He’s definitely going to have a huge bruise. You really hurt him you know! But I’m afraid you don’t care."
"Not exactly. So I’m guessing that he broke up with Amber?" I said in monotone.
"Yeah. Why are you here Haley?" she asked, getting a little edgy. She leaned on the door, still looking me in the eyes.
I sighed, "I don’t know."
Jason came up behind Char and put his arm around her waist. "Hey, what’s up here?" he asked, kissing the top of her head. Once he noticed me he glared and said, "What’s he doing here?"
"He said he doesn’t know," she told him, not taking her eyes off me.
I could have broken into tears, told Char I still loved her, and begged for her to take me back, but that seemed stupid. I shook my head, "Just forget it," I said, shifting my feet, "You don’t care anymore." I started to turn around and noticed the sad look on Char’s face. Maybe she missed me, I sure hoped so, but I walked away anyway.
Jason called after me, "She’s with me now, and she doesn’t need you."
I threw my hand up in a wave without turning around showing that I didn’t care what shit came out of his mouth. I swiftly walked past the houses in her neighborhood trying to keep myself from crying. I took a deep breath trying to calm myself. I needed to keep my cool, I didn’t need her.
As I came nearer to the coffee shop, I noticed a couple making out near the door. Once I got close enough, I made out the girl’s dark brown hair. The guy had the same dark hair. Both were tan and good-looking. My mind and my feet stopped as I recognized the two. It was Michelle and Aaron. The fire in my eyes exploded as they split apart to see the person staring at them. Michelle smirked and Aaron tried to look innocent. I flicked them the finger and walked on.
I rubbed my face to keep myself sane and kept slowly stepping towards my house. Once I crossed the intersection on the street of my house, I remembered how late it was. I told my mom I would be back by three and it was already 4:30. I was oblivious to the scenery of the other yards in my neighborhood, as I looked straight ahead and power walked towards my house. My mom would be angry and ask a lot of questions. I bet she had already called Charlotte’s house, thinking I had run off with her. My feet flew up the steps as I got to the doorway.
My mom opened the door with a steady hand. She glared at me from the doorway and grumbled, "You’re late."
"Let me explain--," I tried to say but she interrupted.
"No explaining, get in the house." She opened the door wider and stepped aside to let me walk through. The expression on her face never changed as I clumped into the house.
"I had twenty dollars in five dollar bills in my purse. Where did they go?" she questioned me sternly.
"Oh, uh, I took them," I hung my head as I confessed.
"Hm, and why would you need twenty dollars? What, did you get a hotel room or something?" she fiercely accused.
"What?!" I said, disbelieving.
"You heard me!" she shot back at me.
"Why would you think that? I just needed to borrow some cash for stuff." I explained.
"Stuff? What kind of ‘stuff’?" she pried further.
"I went to the coffee shop and got some coffee, I told you that in my note," I huffed.
"Coffee for one person doesn’t cost twenty dollars!" she shouted.
I pressed my eyes closed hard, set my jaw, and sighed.
"I called Charlotte’s house. Her dad told me she was at home the whole time. Some guy named Jason came over and they were doing a science project or something together." She just had to rub it in my face, "So you weren’t out with Charlotte. Who were you out with?" She raised her eyebrows questioning me.
"If you have to know, I was out with Michelle. Then she pissed me off, that little bitch, and I screamed at her and now she’s making out with my fucking best friend in front of the coffee shop! And Charlotte and I aren’t speaking and now she’s out in Philly with that Jason guy. Happy now?!" I yelled at her. I stomped up the stairs leaving my mom in shock. I don’t think she ever heard me curse before, must have been a big wake-up call, like I cared. I slammed my door and flopped on my bed face first. I heard my mom’s soft steps coming up the stairs.
"Haley?" she called through my door.
"Fuck off," I said through my covers.
She sighed and slowly walked down the hallway and into her room.
I suddenly realized how tired I was. Almost instantly I fell asleep. Once I woke up, I rolled over and checked the time on my clock. It was 6:30 PM so I knew it was safe to go out onto the balcony. I got up and walked over to the sliding door, pausing a moment before opening it and walking out into the evening air. I felt dizzy as I leaned my elbows on the railing. My stomach grumbled and I realized why I felt like I was going to puke. I hadn’t eaten anything all day and was running on cigarettes and a cup of coffee. I stumbled through my room and into the hall to the bathroom. My head was pounding as I reached into the medicine cabinet and grabbed some Aspirin. I dumped four on my hand and swigged some water to wash them down. I steadied myself with a hand on the doorway and meandered through the hallway and into my room. It killed me to think that I had to wait fifteen minutes until the Aspirin kicked in, so I just took an hour-long nap.
It was 7:45 PM when I woke up. I stumbled into the bathroom and swallowed more Aspirin. My head clouded as I made my way back to my room. I grabbed my laptop off the floor and opened it in hopes of entertaining myself while I waited for my headache to go away. I sat on the floor with my back against my bed and turned on my laptop. Once everything loaded, I got onto AIM but no one on my buddy list was online. I waited a few minutes just in case anyone got on. I gave up and closed it.
I tried to get up but my knees caved underneath me before I took a step. I groaned as I felt the dizziness and nausea return. My back thudded against the framework of my bed as I fell to the floor. I groaned as I felt a shooting pain up my spine. I had dropped my laptop in the midst of trying to get up and I lent over to check to make sure it wasn’t damaged. It was scratched a little, but nothing serious. My headache hadn’t gone away and I felt sicker than before. I was tired and needed food, but I didn’t know if I would be able to get up. I blinked the sleep out of my eyes as I tried to figure out what to do. I breathed in slowly and reached for my cigarette pack in my back pocket. I didn’t care if my mom smelled the smoke, I had to calm myself. I picked up my lighter from the floor and lit a new cigarette. I brought it to my lips and took a long breath in. I let out a mouthful of smoke and took another breath in. The smoke in the air filled my lungs once again and I started coughing. I choked for air as I felt my throat getting tighter. My head felt light and I was afraid I was going to pass out. I felt the room spinning as I lost consciousness.
My eyes opened up to see a small hospital room and my mom’s head hovering over me.
“Oh, sweetie, you’re awake!” she smiled down at me with a look of concern in her eyes.
“Huh?” I was groggy and there was a tube sticking out of my arm.
“You passed out in your room. I found you and took you to the hospital. You’ve been out for a few hours. I’m just glad you’re ok.” She reached over the bed railing for my hand and squeezed it gently.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “Look mom,” I started.
“It’s ok. The doctor’s going to get you help. There are support groups for smokers trying to quit. I’m not angry with you. I just wish I had found out before.” She was trying so hard not to cry.
“I’m sorry.” I apologized.
“Oh my god,” I heard a voice at the door. I slowly turned my head and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe it, it was Char. She stood in the doorway with her hands at her sides. She looked out of breath and her hair was up in a nice bun, but a lot of it had fallen out. It looked as if she had run all the way from Philly.
“You came,” I said with a smile.
“Of course I came.” She said, smiling too.
My mom backed off. “I’ll leave you two alone.” She said, wearing a smile of her own.
Char walked up to my bed while my mom walked out into the hallway and closed the door.
Char looked at me and it seemed as if she would cry any second. “Oh, Haley,” she sighed.
I looked deeply into her eyes and felt such an extreme love for her. “I’m sorry,” I squeaked, dropping my head in shame.
“So am I,” she looked away.
I sighed. “You don’t have to stay.”
She turned back to me. She smiled and her eyes watered. “Yes I do.” She looked me in the eyes and slowly stepped backwards and sat in a chair. She leaned back and closed her eyes.
I stared at her as she fell asleep. She was so beautiful when she slept. I felt my own eyes droop with tiredness and before I knew it I was asleep.
“Honey,” I felt a gentle hand waking me. “I brought you guys some doughnuts.” It was my mom.
I opened my eyes and saw a box of doughnuts on my lap. I yawned and stretched my arms. “Thanks mom.” I looked over at the chair where Char was sleeping. “Shhh,” I said, smiling.
She turned around and smiled. “Oh, ok.”
I reached for the doughnut box and got one out. “What time is it?” I asked, biting into the chocolate icing and fluffy pastry.
“It’s about quarter till 11:00.”
“OK. How long am I supposed to stay in here?” I looked up at her and sighed.
“Hm, I don’t know. I can ask a doctor or nurse. Be right back,” she said and then walked out of the room.
“Huh?” Charlotte stirred in her chair. She rubbed her eyes tiredly and opened them.
I looked at her and smiled. “Good morning.”
She smiled and yawned. “Good morning to you too.”
“How did you sleep? That doesn’t look very comfortable.” I rolled over and rested my head on my hand so I could see her better.
“Oh, this old chair? Not as bad as it looks…” she said, looking down at the old junky hospital chair.
“Hm, looks pretty bad,” I said, grinning.
She smiled at me and said, “Don’t worry about me. If anybody should be worried about anybody, it should be me about you!”
I smiled lovingly and whispered, “Come here.”
Char scooted the chair over and said, “What?”
“No, here,” I patted the spot on the bed beside me.
“There?” she raised her eyebrows playfully.
“Yes, there,” I smiled and moved over.
She jumped on the bed and squished me. “I’m sorry, here?” she laughed.
“Ahh!” I yelled in a muffled voice. “Not on my head!”
She laughed and got up. “Oh my gosh, did I do that?” she said innocently.
I fixed my hair and said, “Yes, you did.”
She walked over to the bed again and lay down on her stomach. She reached up with her hand and ruffled my hair flirtatiously.
I rolled over a little so that I couldn’t get any closer to her. I stared into her eyes and whispered, “I love you, Charlotte.”
She looked into my eyes unblinkingly and replied, “I love you too, Haley.”
I moved my face towards hers and our lips pressed together. I felt such a rush of energy and love that I didn’t want to stop. She moved her face back and stared at me. Her face seemed stunned. She had felt the same thing I had.
“Stop smoking,” she said angrily.
“What?” I questioned. It wasn’t the kind of thing you said after a kiss like that.
“I said stop smoking.”
“What kind of thing is that to say after a kiss like that?” I said, confused.
She stood up angrily and turned her back to me.
“Would you answer me?” I said, annoyed.
She turned her head towards me, tears streaming down her face, her brow furrowed in anger. “It’s the kind of thing you say to someone you love. I love you and I don’t want you to smoke anymore. Look what it’s done to you!” she shouted.
I hung my head in shame. My eyes filled with tears as I closed them.
“You wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for smoking. Don’t you understand?” she said, softer.
I rolled my head back on my pillow and closed my eyes. “Yes, I understand,” I said, tiredly.
“Really? because I don’t think you do. I think you just want me to stop yelling at you.” She said, aggravated.
I opened my eyes and sat up quickly. “I understand!” I said fiercely.
“Okay,” she said slowly and with less edge. She was taken aback with the tone I used.
I sighed and looked into her eyes. “I understand,” I whispered. “You love me and I didn’t understand what that meant until I felt it in that kiss.”
“It scared me,” she said, eyes cast downward, “to feel that way about someone and have no control over what might happen to them.”
I looked over at her and called her over with inviting outstretched arms. “Come here,” I said sympathetically.
She walked over towards the bed and I wrapped my arms around her in a warm hug.
“I’m sorry for putting you through all this,” I whispered into her ear. I held her at an arm’s length and wiped away her tears with a sensitive hand.
She gave me a timid smile and said in a feeble voice, “It’s ok.”
“I didn’t realize how much I cared for you until now. I’m sorry if I ever doubted how much you care for me.” I took in a deep breath and said, “I’ll quit smoking, I don’t want to have to put you through any more of this.”
I heard a knock on the door and Charlotte turned around quickly as I looked over at the door. My mom’s head peaked in.
“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” she said softly. She opened the door more and walked in farther. “The doctor said that they want to keep you a little longer, just to make sure you have enough strength in you to go back home.”
“Okay,” I said, yawning.
“So he wouldn’t be staying another night, would he?” Charlotte asked with a look of concern on her face.
“I hope not!” my mom exclaimed.
I smiled, happy to have two people care so much.
“They weren’t very specific, so I might have to badger them a little more to get all the answers out of them.” She said, sitting down on a chair. She smiled tiredly and I noticed how old and worn out she looked.
“Hey, mom?” I said.
“Yes?” she looked up, concerned.
“Thanks,” I said sincerely.
She smiled gratefully. “You’re welcome.”
I looked up at Charlotte. “See you later,” she whispered, then bent down and kissed my forehead.
I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Bye,” I whispered in reply as I let go of her hand and watched her walk out of the room.
My mom sighed and looked at me. “You really love her, don’t you?” she said with an I-finally-give-up look.
“Yeah, I really do,” I said, still watching the door.
She looked down at the floor. “I’m sorry if I got too protective of you two. I trust you, I really do, I just don’t want anything to happen to my little boy.” She looked up, eyes teary, and said, “You’re all I have.”
“I know, mom. I understand,” I said, softly, because I was close to tears, too.
“When your dad died I made a vow to myself that I would always take care of you and make sure nothing happened to you, but I guess I can’t keep you from living. And look where my over-protectiveness has gotten you!” she explained, hopelessly, tears now falling on her lap.
I paused to put together what I wanted to say. “Mom, all my life you’ve been there from me to protect me from the bad things that came my way. You’ve done a great job and I don’t know where I would be if you hadn’t been so protective. Just remember, love is not a bad thing.” I finally broke down myself and started to cry. In between sobs I managed to get out, “Dad would be proud.”
My mom got out of her chair to comfort me. When she got to the bed, she wrapped her arms around me and stroked my head. “It’s ok,” she said softly. Her own tears slowed as she hugged me tight. I looked up at her with admiration and love. We broke away from the embrace as a doctor walked into the room holding a clipboard while biting his pen and peering at the writing on the sheet.
He looked up as if he just noticed where he was, and exclaimed, “You must be Haley!”
“Yes,” I said un-enthusiastically, frowning.
“I have wanted to meet with you. Well, I’m just going to be straight forward with you. Can you handle that?”
“Uh-huh…,” I rolled my eyes.
The doctor heaved a sigh, took another look at his clipboard, and continued talking as if I hadn’t said anything. “You have a premature type of atherosclerosis.” He waited to let it sink in.
My eyebrows came together in a puzzled look.
“That means your arteries are clogged from too much smoke and cholesterol. The black out you experienced was a form of heart attack.” He looked me sternly in the eye.
My mom clasped her hand over her mouth and whispered, “Oh my gosh…”
I felt my eyes glaze over. I was in a state of shock. I blinked a couple of times and let this settle into my brain. My eyes lowered and closed and I bowed my head. This wasn’t real. It was all a dream. I was going to wake up any minute to the sound of my alarm clock and the smell of pancakes cooking downstairs. My mom would yell up to tell me that breakfast was ready…
I could hear the heart monitor in the hospital room beeping faster and faster.
“Haley?” My mother sounded as if she could not bare this anymore. Again, I noticed how old she was. I could hear it in her voice, she was old, tired, and most of all, scared.
“I’m here mom.” I said, as I opened my eyes and looked up at her. I could feel the heat of my tears creeping to my eyes. I could feel the cold sweat on my body and the fear prickling up my neck.
The doctor cleared his throat, “As far as I can see, nothing is very far along, which is very good. You can probably expect to be out of here in a few days.”
“But the doctor I talked to said that he would just stay overnight!” my mom protested.
“Well, that doctor was wrong. I’m telling you now, if you don’t want your son to faint again once he gets home, he’ll have to stay here for a few days,” the doctor insisted.
My mother sighed, “Alright,” she said, giving up.
I heard a soft knock on the door as I saw it open to a short, chubby, tired-looking old woman. “Hello?” her voice was barely above a whisper.
“Oh, yes. Mrs. Morris, come on in,” the doctor said as he turned towards the lady who had just came in.
“Hello,” she said in the same whisper of a voice.
My mom tried to register what was going on. “What?” she said, confused.
“Mrs. Morris is the hospital psychologist.” the doctor said softly.
“My son doesn’t need a psychologist!” she exclaimed.
“It appears that he took a large dose of aspirin before he fainted. We fear it could have been a suicide attempt,” the doctor stared at his clipboard while he declared this.
“What?!” my mom turned around to face me with a look of sheer panic on her face.
My eyes widened. “What?” I repeated dumbly. “I…I,” I stammered. I hadn’t tried to kill myself, but the concept was so ridiculous, I didn’t know how to respond.
“You…you, you didn’t!?” she exclaimed, unsure. Her face was pale and her eyes pleaded with me. Then I realized it was probably a good time to say something.
“No,” was all my brain and mouth could agree on, so I said it again, “no!”
Her lip still quivered in fear and out of exhaustion, she collapsed on a chair.
“Well, we still think it would be good for him to have a psychologist to talk to. Maybe sort some things out, see if there’s something wrong at home.” He finally looked up from his clipboard, into my mother’s eyes with these last words.
“What? There’s nothing wrong at home!” she exclaimed, defensively.
“We still need clarification from the boy.” He talked as if I wasn’t in the room.
“And what happens when he tells you everything is fine? What happens when he tells you he doesn’t need a psychologist in his personal business? What happens when he tells you his life is fine?” Her eyes were looking into space when she said all this, her mouth knew it wasn’t true, and she acted as if I wasn’t sitting right there.
“Well, if that happens, then he will not need a psychologist. But for now…” he pushed Mrs. Morris forward, “she will help him.”
It made me feel hopeless to need a psychologist. I felt like there was something wrong with my brain. It was a little late for me to protest, the little lady had already shuffled out of the room. The doctor nodded to my mother and left the room, too.
“Mom?” I whispered.
“Yes, hunny?” she said, tiredly, not moving.
“Do I have to go to a psychologist?” I questioned her.
“Yes, I think you do,” she stated defiantly.
I sighed and rolled over, looking at the wall. Soon after, I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning when I heard the door opening. Slowly, I rolled over and opened my eyes. Standing over me was Charlotte, holding a bouquet of flowers. She leaned down and kissed me on my forehead.
“Good morning sleepy head!” she sang, brightly. She smiled at me lovingly as she walked over to the bedside table and put the flowers in a vase.
I smiled graciously and said, “Good morning.”
“You’ve been sleeping for quite some time,” Charlotte stated.
“Yeah, I’ve been pretty tired recently,” I said, yawning.
She frowned. “That’s not good, because that means you’ll have to stay here longer!”
I sighed, sadly. “I know.” I looked over at the hospital chair that previously held my exhausted mother. It was empty. “Where did my mom go?” I asked.
“I think she went to talk to the psychologist.”
I winced at the mention of the psychologist. “Oh, okay.” I looked into Charlotte’s eyes. “You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?”
She smiled reassuringly. “No, Haley. I don’t.” She leaned down and kissed me. Her hair fell and cascaded across my face. I stifled a laugh. Her face lifted and she sat on the edge of the bed.
I reached for her hand. “Okay.”
The door opened and made way to my mother being hurried into the room by Mrs. Morris. My mom looked at me with wide eyes.
“Hello again, Haley,” greeted Mrs. Morris, holding a clipboard.
I rolled my eyes and didn’t answer.
“I would like to see you in my office,” Mrs. Morris tapped her clipboard with the end of her pen.
“I can’t exactly get out of my bed,” I said, annoyed. I lifted my arms as far into the air as I could, with all the wires and tubes attached. I squeezed Charlotte’s hand as I still gripped it with confidence and without embarrassment.
“Oh, right, right…” Mrs. Morris pursed her lips in thought.
“He is expected to leave here in a day or two,” my mother said from her usual chair. “He won’t need to come back to see you,” she said, glaring at Mrs. Morris.
“Well, I have strict orders. This boy is intended to see me, and he will,” she stated matter-of-factly.
My mother sighed in surrender.
“I will talk with the doctors to arrange a meeting in my office. The day after he is admitted out of the hospital, I would like to meet with him.” she turned and walked out of the room, leaving an awkward silence in her wake.
“Nice flowers,” my mother said, looking at the flowers Charlotte brought me, breaking the silence.
I smiled and looked at Charlotte. “Yeah, Charlotte got them for me.”
Charlotte looked over at my mom and smiled innocently, waiting for my mother’s usual disapproval.
My mother sighed and gave a genuine smile. “That’s wonderful.”
Charlotte squeezed my hand joyfully.
The doctor walked into the room and looked over at my mother. “Haley is scheduled to be admitted from the hospital tomorrow.”
Her eyes lit up. “That’s great!” my mother said.
Charlotte grinned happily, looked into my eyes, and gave me a giant hug.
I smiled gratefully as I waited for the doctor to go on.
“He shall meet with Mrs. Morris the day after tomorrow for an appointment.”
“Alright,” my mom said, defeated.
The day passed quickly as I waited anxiously for when I could go home.
I was asleep in the hospital bed with Charlotte next to me and my arm wrapped around her when a nurse came in.
“Haley?” she said quietly. She shook me softly to wake me up.
“Huh?” I mumbled groggily. I opened my eyes to see the nurse above me and I quickly untangled my arm and sat up in the bed. Charlotte awoke from my movement and immediately stumbled out of the bed and fixed her hair, cheeks pink with embarrassment.
The nurse cast a disapproving look towards Charlotte and then redirected her gaze at me. “It’s time to take you home now.” she said in a sweet voice.
Once the nurses got all of the wires and tubes off of me, I stood up out of the bed and immediately felt dizzy and tired. I had been living off of IV and hadn’t gotten out of the bed in days. The doctor said it was normal to feel a little tired and dizzy when you first stand up. They brought me a wheelchair to help get me to the car. Charlotte helped push the wheelchair through the hospital, and out the door. Once we got to the car, she helped me in as my mom folded up the wheelchair and put it in the back. Charlotte held my hand the whole drive home. When we arrived home, I walked up the stairs by myself, with Charlotte at my side. My mother brought the wheelchair inside, just in case I should need it later. I kissed Charlotte goodbye as my mom walked in the side door. Charlotte waved and walked down the front walkway as I closed the door and turned around.
My mom cocked her head and gave me an understanding smile. “Okay, get upstairs mister! And if you need my help, just ask!”
“Yes, mom,” I said, grinning slyly.
I walked upstairs and went into my bedroom. I shut the door and sat down on my bed. Looking around at everything, I realized it had been a while since I had last been here. All of my stuff was untouched, and it gave me an eerie feeling. My laptop was still plugged in on the floor where it fell, and I could see my cigarette pack peeking out from underneath it. I decided to leave my things undisturbed and I lay down and fell asleep.
My mother woke me up for dinner and said I had been sleeping for hours. I was starving, so I went downstairs to eat. It was a relatively quiet meal, which was usual, but it had a different meaning now. I wondered when my mom would begin asking me questions, and whether she would at all, out of fear or anger. Things had certainly changed between us, and it was my fault. It seemed like she wouldn’t be able to get mad at me, she was too scared to lose me. Somehow, that bothered me. After we finished eating I slowly tramped up the stairs and again flopped on my bed and slept the night away.
“Haley,” my mom awoke me softly in the morning. “It’s time for your appointment with the psychologist.”
I groaned and opened my eyes. “Okay, I’ll get ready in a minute.” I said, tiredly. As she left my room, I closed the door and got dressed. I slowly walked out into the hallway and downstairs. “I’m ready to go mom,” I yelled into the kitchen.
“Okay,” she said. She walked into the front hallway and I followed her out the door and into the car.
We drove to Mrs. Morris’ office and I walked into the waiting room, unwillingly. I really didn’t want to be there. My mom talked with the secretary and told me that we had a few minutes to wait. I set down stiffly on a chair and looked straight ahead. After 5 minutes had passed, the secretary told me that I could go into Mrs. Morris’ office. I got up and my mom started following me but the secretary protested.
“Just the boy,” she said sternly.
My mother reluctantly walked back to the seats and sat down.
When I walked into Mrs. Morris’ office, she got up from her desk and closed the door behind me. “Hello,” she said, as I sat down in a chair.
She shuffled back to her desk and sat down. Mrs. Morris looked at her clipboard, looked up at me over the rim of her glasses, and said in a nasally voice, “So, Haley…”
I looked up at her with a fiery glare and decided not to answer.
She smiled sweetly and took off her glasses. “Let’s start off with the basics. What is your name?”
“Is it really necessary for me to answer that?” I said in a disgusted tone.
“I would like it if you did.” She said calmly.
“Haley Erik Peters.” I said.
She started writing on her clipboard. “What a lovely name,” she said in a cheery voice.
“Yeah, for a girl,” I retorted.
She frowned and continued with her interview. “Who do you live with?”
I paused for a moment, “My mother.”
She looked up from her clipboard. “Is that all?”
“Yes that’s all!” I said angrily.
“Alright, no need to get angry. What made you react that way?” she asked, concerned.
I sighed deeply with my fists clenched. “My father died when I was 10.”
She nodded. “Oh, okay,” and wrote on her clipboard. “We’re making some progress now. Do you have any other immediate family?”
I closed my eyes, “No.”
“Any pets?”
“No.”
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