Currently Listening Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers By Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers see related

so i havent written in this in like FOREVER. but, bc jules and fleming have both put these up (i started a trend, what can i say?) i'll put mine up as well, even though its a few weeks old by now. enjoy. oh and ps, GO STILLLEERRRSSS!

1. What is your full name? meredith helen kruse. yes, i was that kid who never knew how to spell my middle name. hell-en. you would think that's how to spell it, no? apparently not. anyywaayyy
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> > 2. What color pants are you wearing now? awkward question. but pink bc its gross out so i gotta brighten the day a little.
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> > 3. What are you listening to right now? embrace. i love my brit music
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> > 4. What was the last thing you ate? uhhh an apple. only the green kind. an apple a day keeps the doc away ya know.
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> > 5. Do you wish on stars? every night. i totally am that kid. i guess it just makes the world seem not so big when we all look up at the same sky. i'm so corny.
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> > 6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? pink, obvi
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> > 7. Who is your best friend? i've got a few. kop, kt, cav from hochi and billy j my gonzaga boy. and of course jules, afterall she is my soulmate.
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> > 8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? lauren. talk to that kid every morning.
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> > 9. How many brothers and sisters do you have? um complicated question. meredith's family life nutshell version: pops remarried when i was like 5 or something, she had a son already so i gained a step bro. they divorced bc the bitch was crazy and gma hated her. pops then remarried bc apparently the third time's the charm. anyway, so now i've got one step bro and 3 step sisters. all crazy. and the new 3rd wife is easily more insane then the 2nd. pops doesn't know how to pick em.
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> > 10. How old are you today? 20. i know i know, i'm a kid.
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> > 11. Favorite season? gotta go with winter. i love snow kisses and snow angels.
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> > 12. Favorite sport? for me to play?-swimming obvi. i'm obsessed. professional lifegaurd and swim coach, right here. now to watch?- football of course...annndd big meets. my dad used to officiate for us swimming and so i'd get to be the towel kid and carry their boxes off the deck at the us open and world cup.
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> > 13. Favorite part of the opposite sex? uhhh physically? the standards: eyes, but only if theyre light colored, and smile, but only if they actually have a teethy smile, not just the upturned corner bs. gotta admit, i'm also a hands kinda girl. i love a guy's hands. mmmmm. oh and the swimmer's muscle. no idea what it's called but all swimmers have it. that cut right by their hips. mmmmm. okay wow, uhh awkward....but you know, deep down, all that really counts is what is inside, right? haha
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> > 14. Do you wear contacts? no siree. but i've always wanted glasses. they make me look smart. hell, they make everyone look smart. its the sexy smart kid look that gets me every time bc you know there always is a crazier side to the person. ...okay hows that for too much information?
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> > 15. What do you want to do when you grow up? these questions are slightly random. nonetheless, large point of uncertainty. ideally, a political analyst. criticize the media and politics without actually being a part of it. and still manage to be reputable. we'll see how that goes. for now i'll say i want to be a pollist. see how everything effects society and bitch when it doesnt work well.
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> > 16. First love? oh boys. we don't talk about this. but i guess i can make an exception bc it's past relations and not current. anyway, first love, billy j. never dated, bc you dont do that among hochi/gonzaga/prep relations, but was my best friend and got the fun stuff too. still is a bestest now. amazing kid actually. i love that boy. (totally a lie, we all know who it really is...i just had to sensor this version)
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> > 17. If you could live anywhere, where would it be? London. i'm actually thinking about it. if i could do it and afford it and have a job, i want to move over there after i graduate. i probably don't have the balls to do it, but it's one of those dreams. at some point i'll live there. in reality though, i'd live in dc or boston. can't beat either of those cities, except when the damn yanks get cocky about their sports.
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> > 18. Have you ever been to a foreign country? yes sirree. london, obvi. france (horrible. i went right after we went to war back in 2003 and the damn french HATE us. we were mocked and gawked at the whole time. and not just in paris, but in the south as well) st lucia (you should see my dad interacting with the rasta men. they literally became bff on the beach for that week. i'm surprised we didnt come back with more than we did of their little wood carvings that they sell to gringos) and mexico. oh shit i forgot, scotland too. beautiful country.
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> > 19. Favorite vacation? um so that go-go's vacation song totally just popped into my head, strange eh? probably have to go with beach week senior year. we went to ocean city (aka white trash central) but i saw everyone i have ever gone to school with. its probably the only time my public school friends from k-8 will ever meet the hochi girls and boys. it was amazing actually.
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> > 20. What do you do to vent anger? run. jules and i used to have gym dates for this sole purpose. and if i'm too tired for that, i totally go straight for the pillow.

> > 21. What was your favorite toy as a child? oh easy. winnie the pooh. still have the little guy. every time you squeezed him he played the winnie the pooh song. care bears have to be up there too. but i guess those are stuffed animals....toys? umm barbies i suppose. i used to entertain myself with barbies and dolls for hours. gave them tea parties and read books to them all the time. i was such a good little kid.

> > 22. Summer or winter? wwiinnttteeerrr. it makes you want to snuggle. enough said.
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> > 23. Hugs or kisses? um both? i'm a very loving person.
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> > 24. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips. a combination if you will.
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> > 25. Who was your first crush? easy. craig chase. i adored him. we swam together - his mom was a coach and my dad officiated. we liked each other but were too shy to act on it and our parents always tried to get us to take pictures together at meets. now that i think about it, that's kinda strange. but regardless, we were cute. oddly enough, he found me on facebook. wow, he's changed. the little boy grew into an adult! got the dirty sexy look and all. hmm maybe i should calll him...
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> > 26. High school or college? oh piece of cake. high school easily. i know you always say its college, but it depends on your priorities. college is to party, high school is to find yourself and your best friends. and what can i say, i'm just obsessed with hochi.
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> > 27. What's your type? these questions are awfully random. um i really don't have a type. i like the dirty, grungy boy look surprisingly enough. but only if they clean up well when they need to. a boy can NOT dress better than me though. so i'd say probably the dirty brit look where you can be scrubby and cute but also sexy, but also know how to sport a blazer and be handsome.

> > 28. When was the last time you cried? umm probably this summer after i got into a fight with joanna. packed my room into boxes the next day. ...a story for another time perhaps...
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> > 29. What is under your bed? these questions arent really entertaining anymore...but uhh my bed at school? plastic bins of clothes and other such items.
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> > 30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? shelley. met her through jfd (first winter team i swam for back in the day when i was like 5) and she ended up at hochi. just graduated college and is actually now going into the peace corp. what can i say, my friends are impressive.
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> > 31. What did you do last night? lived at the lib and then acted like a boy watching the game next door. i must say, boys are funny when they forget a girl is in the room.
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> > 32. What are you afraid of? i'm terrified of bridges. its not even funny. when i'm driving over them, it must be silent and i squint so i cant see the water below.
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> > 33. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? salted. i'm addicted to salt. it's actually really bad.
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> > 34. Favorite car? uh my jeep? i suppose bc its the only one i've ever had.
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> > 35. Favorite flower? daisies. i have a huge fake one that kop bought me back in the day and i'm obsessed with it.
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> > 36. Where are you from? where do you live? from dc. gtown what what? live in montgomery village, or moco if you will (not bethesda, or potomac, or checvy chase or any other ritzy area). uhh live now? difficult question to answer...
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> > 37. How many kids do you want? 2. older boy, younger girl.
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> > 38. What is your goal or dream in life? be happy. happy with my fam, where i am in life, what i've accomplished. to know that i made a difference in at least one person's life. to be myself and not compromise my ideals or myself for anyone or anything.
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> > 39. What is your biggest fear in life? not living up to my own expectations of myself. thinking that i missed out on something, or someone.

It’s been about a week and a half since he and I have spoken - if you can even consider exchanging small talk through email actual conversation. In all honesty, it's been about 3 months since I’ve really talked to my once best friend. But it's not as though I’m counting the days since I last heard his voice (I’m done with my “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” ways); rather my retrospective thoughts now turn toward the future.

I looked at his picture today and saw a stranger. I couldn't recall the sound of his laugh, the change of his voice when he said something he truly meant, the warm hellos which always made the noise of any bad day seem mute. I couldn't see or think of anything familiar within a man whom I used to talk to on a daily basis. After three months we've literally become strangers. And that scares the shit outta me. Then I started to think about if I would ever see him again. Sadly, probably not. We’ve always been at different stages in life, but as each year comes and goes, as life becomes a little more real, he and I begin to diverge on two different paths, with two different road maps in hand, ending at two totally different destinations. Before we always made an effort to stay connected, but now it's either too difficult or painful to do so. Then again, perhaps we just have become too crude and distant to even want to remain in contact. Whichever our illogical reasoning, the loving friendship has deteriorated into absolutely nothing. needless to say, that's difficult to muster.

I suppose it just scares me to finally experience real life - relationships begin and end every day, but for some reason or another, I thought I would always manage to avoid the friendships that faded away into the sunset. Every friendship that I have ever had, which I can recall, I still have in some way or another. I pride myself on the fact that it’s never been my nature to lose someone or let someone go - until now apparently. Again, this just scares the hell out of me. Realizing that someone a year and a half ago who meant the world to me, whom I could not do without, is no longer a part of my life - what?! This is almost incomprehensible! This doesn't happen to me! What went so wrong?!

Apparently life has gotten in the way of my fairy tale endings and in all honesty, I hate it. Granted, some things I do realize are a part of life that I will eventually have to face - but not this. Not ever again. It just hurts too much to again go through losing someone so close, so important.

And for all of you thinking to yourself right now that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” – that’s bullshit. I have never believed in that before and I sure as hell am not going to start now. If you love someone you never lose. You just don’t.  You either gain a companion or friend (regardless of how the intimate relationship ends) who in some way or another will always be a part of your life, and to me that sure as hell ain’t no pitty participant last place ribbon. I have never believed that people come and go sneaking glances of your life never to see the final unveiling – it just does not happen if there is true love between the two. Call me naïve; call me a pathetic optimist; call me a product of Hollywood who believes too much in the power of fate; call me what you will, but never call me one who flakes on friendships when the going gets tough, who takes the easy road out, who loses touch with people when life gets in the way. It’s never been me and it never will be.

(Well, perhaps with the unfortunate exception of him)

"time casts a spell on you/ but you won't forget me./ i know i could have loved you/ but you would not let me"

i have amazing best friends. i don't know what i'd do without them. they're the smartest dumb blondes i know. i love everything about them, even their stupid/awkward comments and 4am drunk "i love you's."  it's funny really because this summer we all did some growing up. you'd think after 6 1/2 years we wouldn't be so close, but we've all changed in a good way, become more aware of who we are i suppose, and that has made us all closer than ever. so despite all my bitching about certain friends, i am a damn lucky kid. not everyone can go to sleep at night knowing they have best friends who will love them and be there for them always and forever. 

and that's all i've got for awhile. as i always say, no news is definitely good news these days. it's time to move on and grow up.

then. http://community.webshots.com/photo/141033812/141037561PXzYLK

now. (minus kop) http://community.webshots.com/photo/388317195/431846846dLshEE

so even those of you who barely know me are at least aware of my love for the American media - not necessarily it's content, but rather it's purpose and influence both socially and politically within society. I love the talking heads constantly in verbal combat abusing one another on live television. I love the brutal pressure under fire and competition for the next eyecatching headline. I love the responsibility journalists feel they have as educated watchdogs toward their supposedly naively oblivious society of laymen. I even love the egotistical know it all cockiness which seems to come with the job description. you could say I love it all - well, everything about the profession except it's ugly corporate business Big Brother who seems to also claim the role of society's Thought Police, as well. and no, I’m not talking about speech censorship - I’m talking about modern public interest bullshit, which in my opinion does not even reflect society's appeal but rather what is perceived as such, and yet still dictates what is newsworthy or not nowadays.

I’ve always been aware of the need for newspapers, radio shows, nightly news, and prime time specials to maintain their ratings in order to continue reputations of prominence within the competitive information super highways. I suppose it is a fact of life within the 21st century to do whatever it takes to pay the bills - even if it means talking about girl scout cookies on 'the situation' because supposedly this is addressing the public interest category. To some extent I feel this priority is necessary - the media should give the public what it wants, but only to a certain extent. The media isn't a babysitter for society but rather it's the watchdog. The media outs scandal in the white house, may it be through the phones of Watergate or under the table in the oval office, but also must entice viewers to stay tuned during times of political placidity. granted, it must be tough to keep both school aged students and their parents glued to the same nightly news every evening at 7 pm, but come on now, there IS something called journalistic integrity.

I find it interesting that this problem of balancing public interest and actual news is a global issue, as well (which i suppose is a reassurance that americans aren't that incompetent in the media department). I specifically presented this notion to the BBC in London a few weeks ago - after being informed that the BBC is making a greater initiative to address the needs of its viewers, I questioned how exactly would the BBC be able to maintain it's notorious global reputation of integrity in its news broadcasting while focusing its efforts on dog grooming and the latest royal family's scandal. Seems to me, if the BBC even dances along the line between news and entertainment, they are simply flirting with disaster.

So what's the solution? There is none. American media is independent from the government, thus relies solely on the Time Warners of the nation. In other words, the talking heads better make the ratings or else their show is the next budget to be cut. On the other hand, the BBC has the wonderful financial benefit of taxes to which essentially every individual must adhere if he or she wants to see anything other than snow on their big plastic hunk of junks lovingly referred to as boob tubes. Essentially, the BBC has no ratings to fulfill to corporate powerhouses and thus functions with the ideal Big Brother-less mentality – yet suddenly, the Huw Edwards of the station find the need to switch their Iraq war, African debt, and Gaza headlines to that of the latest gardening trends to hit the UK? Let’s hope this American news wave never makes it way across the pond. I don't think the world would be able to handle the repercussions of that tsunami.

Now where is this all coming from, you ask? Simply put, I miss seeing my bow tie wearing conservative every evening. From PBS to ‘Crossfire’ to ‘The Situation’ to now having stand-ins host his own show, I wonder what is wrong with my beloved American media and its ability to produce quality news broadcasts?! The hosts fluctuate as frequently as the headlines do in accordance with public opinion. When will a line be drawn?! I’m telling you now, if Dan Abrams is next in line for the cutting board, I may truly have a break down.