miZzguRlie's Xanga Site

Weblog

Thursday, September 25, 2008

When I say "trust is hard to gain but easily loss" i actually mean it. I admit i'm quite sensitive about everything, but that's only me being careful. Letting my guard down is not something that can be easily done, if especially after i've been hurt before. Not saying that everyone hasn't been hurt in their own way, and if they have been then they should know that completely trusting someone is a difficult thing to do. Wonder who made up that quote, "people learn from their mistakes." Because all I know is that he hasn't
... let's just say no one can be trusted, in the end you only have yourself.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping & waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers...and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive; how and where you should live, what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, respect and sensitivity; and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all timeFEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve; and that, sometimes, bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself. You make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

- By Anonymous

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

This weekend was pretty amazing even though nothing really went to plan. Jason planned a overnighter to Monterey and Carmel. We left friday morning and arrived at this cute location where we were staying. The swift's place, a dainty room and porch. Since we had time before jason's planned activity, we decided to go shopping. About an hour in, it was time to go back. He decides to take the freeway, but i had to open my big mouth and told him to take the scenic route. Because of me and my big mouth we got stuck in traffic for a bit and couldn't make it on time to our scheduled session of HORSEBACK riding!!! i know, it's one of the things i wanted to do on my list but it's okay, it was the thought that counts. Hence that we couldn't horseback ride we ended up going to Carmel by the sea. The funny part was since we didn't plan on going to the beach we weren't prepared; no towel, shorts, or bathing suits with us. We ran around in the sand, laid back and got a tan; we just had to make due with whatever we had, it was fun being spontaneous. He also had dinner reservation at this exquisite restaurant and NO we didn't eat there because i wasn't hungry BUT it was the perfect restaurant. He showed me where it was and we walked by to look at it. I must say it's just what i would love. After our stroll in carmel we drove back to our place, showered and got ready for dinner. We ate at this place that over looked the ocean and it couldn't have been better. For dessert we decided to get funnel cake from a small bakery. It was the WORST funnel cake we EVER had, it was stale but what do you expect at 11pm?! Grandpa was tired so we went home and just played cards and watched tv until we fell asleep.
Next day, early morning, i was woken up!!! (i was grumpy) i walked outside to our porch and breakfast was prepared! It looked like someone ripped the pages out of a fairytale. Everything was beautifully placed, fruits, muffin, orange juice, coffee and even tea =) so jason and i sat down and enjoyed our morning sipping tea. When it was over and time to leave our swift place, we were off to the monterey aquarium. The otters are so adorable! i seriously could have stood there all day watching them swim around. I had a few embarrassing moments but i'll let that be "our" secret. We spent about two hours or so inside, we decided it was time for lunch! The night before i was watching the food network, they did a special on bbq ribs, chicken and pork, SO we went to Willy's bbq and grill. After lunch it was time to head home. It was a short vacation but none the less it was the best! We got our little swift escape.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

This is bothering me. A friend who leaves you at the club isn't really pleasant, it's not the idea of whether I had other friends but the point is that I was left. Funny thing is, i'm not so bothered by that, what i'm more concerned about is the way it's being handled afterward. You'd think after an incident like that an apology would be considered, or even just a phone call to chat. Instead they decide it's smarter to just be mad at someone who's "mad" at them. None the less i decided to email them just to let them know that i'm not mad and that i'd still be there if they needed to talk. Nope, they decided not to respond to my email but instead respond to a "message" of someone else's.
Sometimes i wonder why i'm being so nice, when being nice doesn't do anything.
ps. I don't like liars, if you don't have your facts right then don't bother saying anything. Mistake?! Okay, but more than once is questionable.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

A guy can be so sweet that he pretty much melts your heart, yet they can also be the one to tear it apart. Have you ever thought about what type of guy your man might be? It's hard to believe that one person can play two roles, almost scary to believe. If you are the lucky one he can be as such a gentleman, respectful and considerate, humorous and charming, kisses you sweetly and tells you all the great things you desire to hear; little do you know the alter side of him when you're not the right girl. You are the one he'll screw over, whose priorities is to get what heneeds, to break as many hearts as he wants because his wasonce broken, or just to use woman as a time filler. You can never tell from appearance, it's the cover that tricks you into believing what you think you know. What you hear and what you see can be entirely different, how can you tell what is real? It's hard because no matter what corner you turn the answer given will be biased. You can only trust yourself; your own judgment. Only you will know if he's true.