Currently Listening Without You Near By Markus Schulz First Time see related

I had been really mentally exhausted these past few days. The first part was the worst, but the second part was the best. Strange. You think school is over and you can pretty much relax for the rest of the summer, but the night before the very last final you have, life decides to slap you back in the face. Ouch. I mean, I thought I had complete control over what was happening in my life, but I feel like such a failure because I couldn't even conquer that mistake in the end. Even I didn't try as hard as I should have in school, I thought all other aspects were pretty much in control because I had a plan. The thing about plans with me, however, is that I don't have a backup. So I'm pretty much screwed. I've tried so hard to scrub away everything, obliviate all that I knew, chalk it up to a learning experience but, shit, I'm just lying to myself. Well, I'll just have to live with it. I just had that experience earlier than most, I suppose. It's just so mentally exhausting to feel that way. It still is when I sometimes let a memory slip through my defenses. SHIT. Man, am I mad at myself.

I'm am so jaded. So jaded. I don't understand when my friends can't get over their silly, petty uncertainties about their own relationships. It's simple! If it feels wrong, don't do it! I don't understand why you need me to lend you a clearer perspective. I'm the least qualified person in the world. I'm cold, bitter, and angry, but I look different on the outside. I pine after people that I've missed, that were in front of me, that I keep regressing to. I hate to think about these things. I'm going to eat some ice cream, and I'll be damned if it makes me sick.

Also, Marshall beach rocks. It was a nice escape. It totally owns the rest of the world, especially when you're with people that are worth caring about. It's hard to do for my parents because they're so annoying, but I'll appreciate them when, if ever, I move out.

Currently Listening Hot Fuss By The Killers Mr. Brightside see related

return of your childhood

I'm really supposed to be studying for finals now, and I am, but I couldn't resist blogging for a bit. I just had some observations and all...

So apparently San Francisco had fireworks during Mother's Days weekend.  This was something I was not aware of and that is an utterly pathetic fact as I spend most of my time sleeping through fog, eating fog, breathing fog, and basically living the lifestyle of all fogginess.

So it was something I reluctantly allowed my dad to drag me to (he was all enthusiastic about it, I could care less, I could just watch some better fireworks on youtube or something), but I went along with it anyways because it was in the spirit and all.

We were approximately situated south of the Bay Bridge and I kept myself occupied by people watching, and it was really amazing how many different sorts of people went there: out-of-towners who had camped at the piers the whole day with great enthusiasm for a 20 minute fireworks extravaganza!, homeless/street people who camped in San Francisco the whole year round, and the rest of us who live around the area and waited maybe 2, 3 hours at the most. I mean, it was overflowing with human beings of every single sort you can possibly imagine (mutated ones don't count)...so I was pretty much occupied the whole time.

I remember when the fireworks started. There were a couple of false starts as the more enthusiastic of the crowd set a cheer that would end abruptly. But when they did start: WOW. It was loud. I didn't expect it to be so loud that it hit your insides, but after all, it was my first live show. (That's how jaded I am about this stuff.) But my brother (who is like 5 years old) got really scared because he couldn't understand the entertainment value of really loud, reverberating sounds. Predictably, the fog also dulled what would have been other an even more awesome show. (damn fog!) Weirdly enough, I had a lapse of boredom in the middle and I looked behind me and I was really surprised to see what I saw.

The people watching it along with me were actually in awe. They looked so incredibly happy, their faces lighting up with the different colors of the exploding dynamite, and it was strange because up until that point I was looking on with cynicism, almost hoping that the show would disappoint as much it was supposed to. But I tried looking on in awe as everyone else did and I did see what they saw: really beautiful bursting lights, streams and ribbons of fire, and showers of color. It was strange because the people I thought that would least enjoy the fireworks (because we shared in our skepticism) would look interested at most. But not dazzled.

But they were, and I bet they still will be. Still, it was strange- that was all. But maybe not so much anymore. I suppose I understood in the end how the simplicity of fireworks can bring out your inner child.

Currently Listening Treasure Planet I'm Still Here see related

Right.

So some weeks before, my mom found a pack of various condoms that were provided (free of charge) to me from a friend. And she went to accuse me blah, blah, having sex, blah, blah, blah, why do you have these?!! when she didn't have any grounds for her accusations at all.

Well, all I have to say is: I don't go out much, get any, or have any desire to get any (well, not now at least).

And honestly, if I were carrying around those condoms for insurance, I couldn't because there is no one around worth it to carry those condoms for. I say, who the hell would I carry vanilla flavored, glow-in-the-dark, extra-lubricated condoms for?

Currently Listening Out of My Heart By BBMak Out of My Heart see related

now, then.

I've realized that most of my entries are really...vague...most of the time. Really hypothetical and not very truthful in that aspect. I'm going to try to be more specific from now on without any bullshit. (Of course I will have the protect the anonymity of others.) I guess I was very vague because I don't like it when others judge me, especially people I know. So it's better to spread all my cards out than to hide behind metaphors and flowery language.

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep very well because of these dreams I've been having, and yes, I always dream. (Plus, my baby brother wasn't feeling so well lately, so he always fusses.) It's a blessed thing that I have them so much because they are much more dramatically ideal and greatly earth-shattering (in a bad way) than real life. It's like the imagination centers of my brain are working overtime to compensate for the dullness of daily life. Why is it always that dreams are more fantastically vivid and tragically heart-wrenching? Case in point:

Last night, I woke up because I needed to use the restroom. At first I thought "Shit, that's ridiculously inconvenient because I have to get to school tomorrow and I can't afford to lose any sleep trying to fall back to sleep. Okay, fine, I'll get some warm water and pass out again on my bed. Oh wait, it's Saturday tomorrow..." I swear, it was in mid-motion of falling back into bed and pulling up the covers, I remembered why I really woke up. My brain was screaming at my body to wake up because just moments before I did, I was having this nightmare. Actually, I can't say it was a nightmare. It was a reality pill, my brain trying to beat sense into my unwilling ego by forcing down large doses of the truth. When I couldn't take it anymore, it made me wake up. I mean, that's the only explanation of why I dreamed about him again, right? Because no matter how much I kept thinking that I resolved the issue (with hate: refer to previous entries), the ways I went about it didn't work.

Because last night, I saw him so clearly for the first time in a long time. I saw him the way when I first began to idealistically see him. He did live up to those ideals but because it was in an inappropriate situation, it was so much easier to blame him and his faults. It wasn't his fault, he had no choice. It was my fault. It's so much easier to think about it that way...I mean, I spent so much writing time on this event. Journals full, in fact. It was chilling to see him so clearly as I first saw him because I really did know that my feelings (albeit teenage hormones-induced ones) were real. It was love. I must admit it to myself. It was the one thing that strong men become weak for, that people give up their lives for, and so many other strong acts that my feelings seem pathetic in comparison. And I feel so much better because we all get more chances and I myself learned a bit more about this meaning of 'love' because sooner or later, it was going to happen. Maybe it happened a little earlier for me than it should have. Oh yes. I even wrote a damn good letter of explanation, if I do say so myself. (Though I don't remember exactly what it said...) So there.

When I fell asleep, I had much happier dreams. These dreams are the only sorts of dreams that exist in breezy, balmy nights and in songs that idealize them. Sort of like the Ataris album, "So Long, Astoria," with all the songs rolled together...I swear. One of the most perfect albums for teenage simplicity. Or maybe even the complications of the teenage years as well.

The most beautiful time of day, in my opinion, has to be the sunset. This second part of dreams I had was a dream that lived in perpetual sunset...dark and rich, purple, with tinges of scarlet red and rosy red...and highlighted with the happy, hopping orange of carnival lights. The lights zigzagged across the dark blue of the water, where there were vibrantly painted boats in dark greens, purples, yellows and reds skimming across its surface. The foundation of the carnival by-the-beach/piers (for that is where the dream occurred) were wooden planks, covered perpetually with sand. There was no concrete. And the lights continually danced before one's eyes. I remember being so happy scrambling up and down the stairs with my friends and I think I was so happy that I might have been in love at the time. I met famous people who were also interesting, but I did not agonize over because life in my dream was simple. In my dream, we didn't go on and on about the troubles of Britney Spears or how much we LOVED some actor and how much we wanted to meet them. We just met them and moved on to the boats, which were by the water...and you could choose a partner for the boat. The boats only held two people: one spot was for you, and the other spot you choose among the friendly costumed animals/comical cartoons. There were probably lions, squirrels, and clown-like personalities...it was so fun! One probably could determine the success of your boat ride by choosing the right partner. If you choose a squirrel, I'd expect you'd have a nutty time. If you choose a dog, you'd probably have a 'best friend' time, simple and unhindered.

That was a really great dream. I had no worries at all...a big contrast to the night's earlier 'reality pill'. I suppose those boats were trying to convey some sort of message to me. The partner you chose for the boat ride was like choosing your other half through life's journey itself. In the end, I comforted myself from my earlier mistakes and created a hopeful future: it wasn't ever too late for me.