| so i feel like i have no friends. of course i do...but none that you stick with no matter what and tell everything to. i feel like if i tell people things they'll judge me. i feel like i'm putting my problems on them. and because i don't talk i push people away. even Daniel. like...all of the girls i admire have great athletic ability are freakin gorgeous and have lives. how they do it all, idk. but they do. they're sure of themselves and have great friends. they do stuff all the time. me? wanna hear my life? when i'm not at school, doing something at home. no on is like hey rachel, wanna come party? wanna come hang out? go to the movies? i don't have anyone i can ask to do any of those things either. the closest is Daniel...but it's just not the same. My last best friend was Miranda...years ago...and look at us, we barely ever speak. i don't remember what it's like to be completely 100% comfortable around a girl. i love my wrestling ladies to death, and they are the closest i've got. Michelle is in the Springs and doing stuff all the time. i lost track of Mindy. Adeline, MK, Aren, Brooke, all have good friends. Alyssa, Nikki, Robyn...everyone i can think of. even guys. as much as i don't really love Aaron and Charlie, they are always hanging out and having a good time...with anyone. maybe i'm just gunna be a loner. i can't open up to people. prolly too competive or too masculine. or something. idk. i just hate the way i feel right now. since daniel...maybe not even that, prolly like what coach did...i cry all the time. i feel like such a baby. i feel lost, like who am i supposed to be? before daniel i knew. daniel made my happy and makes me happy. but i don't entirely know who i am or what to do. especially right now. and i want to cry. i feel like my whole outlook on life has changed, from doing what i needed to do or wanted to do because i had a goal, to doing what felt good just cause it felt good and was fun. but that didn't get me to an endstate. and now i'm stuck in the middle not knowing what i want and not feeling strongly about anything. i try to isolate myself from outside sources and try and figure out direction again...but that doesn't work. because now i feel so effing lonely without outside sources. like i used to write about my problems and goals in this blog. that made me feel better. i've hardly used it recently. i don't have the motivation, i think different thigs are fun, and obviously i'm changing. but god dammit, it's like 'i'm going to change just a little bit, but that little bit doesn't fit in with the rest of your personality.' now i just feel lonely and left out...MUCH stronger than i ever have before. strong enough to just want to make me sit here and cry. why am i so lonely??? i just want to have purpose again. and in writing all this, i feel like i'm just saying the exterior, like i can't write how i really feel, like i'm covering it up some more cause i can't open up, or i truly don't know. but it really hurts. i want a hug. i haven't truly laughed in what seems like forever. the last good time i remember is graduation parties. the last time i worked out was when school was in session. the last time i wasn't fat was 5 months ago. i don't fucking know what's wrong. i'm not happy. i don't know anything about college. like, i get this gut instinct saying maybe i should go to Pacific. it seems righter. nicer campus, not as trashy of a town as missouri. no effing big factories and peeling paint. but then the logical side of me and my dad is like...you only get one shot at college wrestling and missouri is the shot. i've always bitched about bad coaches, and i think the MoVal coach is much better than Pacific...but Pacific has so much better academics...it's rediculous. i don't know if i want to wrestle any more. and if i find out i'm shit in college at moval i'm screwed. i'd like to see if i still have the motivation and see where i stack up. but right now, from this stand point, it looks like shit. if i don't care, i won't do well. it's going to be a bitch getting back in shape. four years of training will be lost because i've had to sit out for at least 5 months. and i thought i'd be back to running and stuff by july. maybe i will. but righ tnow i can't even get in my 3 PT shit things a day and haven't been able to since school started. i don't fucking feel like riding a bike and doing leg press when i come home from the horse barn. i'm really starting to not fucking care. i've been incumbent so long i'm starting to be like what the fuck ever. but i feel so fat and out of shape. i don't want to work out right now, in fact the thought pisses me off. but i'm just all fat rolls and shit and hardly muscle, especially my stomach. i feel like such a slob...but only part of me...the other part is, again, like who gives a shit. i don't fucking care. fuck this. time for me to go to bed without talking to anyone. and cry alone again. first about daniel and then about the horses and how scared i am that i will get hurt because of them because they're fucking amped on shit and not doing anything and idk. whatever i'm just so pissed right now and i don't effing know why. i was seriously thinking of quitting last night but then it's like rachel it's your second day, you haven't settled in yet, see where it goes you pussy. ask for a horse change. but things may work out. idk. fuck. i want to hit my head on the desk and get all this shit off my mind becasue i don't know what's on it but it's stressful. and fuck, i do want to hang out with dustin and have fun and WHY THE HELL IS THAT SUCH A FUCKING PROBLEM? someone tell me!? i fucking love daniel, but i think it's changing. it's definitely more friend now and i definitely like want him to be hugging me right now and i don't care if he still holds my hand or whatever but i want some freedom. and he can't give that and maybe we're past that and he is now. he keeps asking if i'm hanging out with anyone and of course i'm not. i'm a fucking loser. i even tried to hang out with dustin today cause i had to stay fucking late at the racetrack because Rae wondered off and left shit to me, alone with nine horses. what the hell ever. and he was like yea, def. but then his brother got pissed and ran off and he had to stay and watch his little brother while his parents went out and looked for the brother. can't tommorrow, he can't friday, i can't saturday, prolly not sunday, i'm housesitting until fucking tuesday from friday and how the hell will that work with my job if i can't sleep overnight, i'll be exhausted. i feel like i was just dropped/forced into the job. like i kept trying to tlak for a week and every time i got ahold of amy she was like call back and when i did, she never answered. then monday fucking eddie called at 9:00 and was like can you go down to the racetrack? and i was like sure and i figured it was more of a seeing what they did, learning, etc. but it was so effing disorganized, the tack room, the feed room, no management, i feel wrong care, like idk. and all that really got me last night. but they threw me into work on monday and i still don't know what i'm doing with these horses legs and Rae is getting like bitchy now like she runs the show but she won't teach me how to do things. like she was good monday. yesterday she was hung over. she was still hung over today. and it's like WTF. Juan is really cool. Grace is pretty cool too and she should be taking the babies and fucking pshycho crazy lets pull and kick and rear and buck and run around like a skitzo bitch because i feel like it Patriot. jeesus i was truly scared yesterday when she was kicking and that shit because she doesn't get the concept of personal space and she was kicking AT me not just cause she was fritzy. i'm feeding her much less. their feed needs to change anyway. the horses have ringworm so we stripped the stalls today but htere was no bedding and other shit and it's so apparent to me now that this has been poorly run since eddie couldn't go back there cause of a licence thing or something and it's like Rae knows and she has the experience but i don't feel like she takes the best care of them like she knows what's wrong, but doesn't necessarily do everything cause it's not easy. idk. idk. now we have a new barn manager though and i really liked him when i met him today i hope to god he cracks the fucking whip and changes things up for the better and keeps in constant contact with eddie till he can get out again. and i think he will. i hope so. and we have a pretty good group of grooms, even if we are new...if Rae doesn't throw a fit cause she's not in control. but whatever. and now i feel better cause dustin just texted me. like MUCh better. i think i just want to be wanted. how i am. even though dustin is a fucking player i just want to have fun. if he spreads rumors i'll kick his ass. but i'll come to that when it comes. if it comes. but whatever. i'm out. i should go to bed cause i've gotten to bed late both nights and i get up at 4:45 to feed. still will have to tomorrow even though i only have to be there at 6:30 but i have to get my crap to shower before i go to PT before i go to Nelli's about house sitting. blah. |
