I got a pet rat today! Woo-hoo!

(His name is Javier.)

"I think I'm in a little over my head."

I remember saying these words one night almost two years ago. I had somehow found myself in a conversation with two or three of my Christian brothers and sisters who were deeper in their faith than I, and I didn't understand or know what to make of what they were saying. So I held my tongue, listening and waiting. Waiting for what... I'm not sure. But then one of them asked me what I thought. I had to admit that I didn't know what I thought and that it felt like I was in over my head. I was baptized in the Spirit that very night.

Have you ever been in over your head?

"Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain." (Ps. 139:6)

If you have ever met God, you know that you were in over your head. It's humbling to know that you really can't understand a thing. (Especially if you've always been able to pick up everything right away, like me.) But until you reach the point of knowing that you can't understand, you won't be able to start knowing God. If you are always afraid of being humbled, even humiliated, you will never know God. Let go of your need to understand, and then you can start to know.

There was a wise man who lived alone atop a very tall mountain. Sometimes people would come to him, asking for wisdom. One day, a man scrambled up the final ridge of the mountain. He was cold and exhausted from the climb, but he came and bowed before the wise man. The wise man said, "What would you ask of me?"

"I want to know what you know," the man said. "I want to know the secrets of your wisdom; I want to know the answer."

"What answer?"

"Well, you know, the answer. I want to know whatever there is to know."

"Would you like a cup of hot tea?" the wise man offered.

Very aware of his tired limbs and the numbness in his fingers and toes, the man gladly said yes. The wise man silently brewed the tea and brought out a cup for his guest, and when the tea was ready, he poured it into the teacup. He kept pouring until the tea was right up to the rim of the cup. And then he poured some more, and some more.

"Stop! What are you doing?" the man exclaimed. "Stop it! The cup can't hold any more."

"Nor can you," the wise man said, "until you have emptied yourself. You are full of your own thoughts and wisdom, so how can you receive mine? Go empty yourself of all you thought was true, and then I can begin to fill you with what is real."

Warning- depressive rant

You don't have to comment, or even read this, I just need to get it out, and typing is easier than talking.

So they "let" me go home early from work again today. It actually really sucks. I went home early Wednesday, too. I mean, sure I don't want to be at Sonic all the time, but I still need to work. I've only worked about 5 hours this whole week. If that. Plus, he sent me home right at the beginning of happy hour. That's not ok. During happy hour is when everybody's tipping. And I can't get by with only five hours of working in one week. Not ok. Plus I've really been spending too much lately. BJ's talked to me about it, because we need to save as much as we can while we can, and he has been. But for some reason or another, I can't seem to make myself stop spending money... Well, really it comes in waves. For a really long time, I was thinking, "OK, no matter what, I need to avoid spending anything at all over what is absolutely necessary," and it worked. But now for some reason (maybe because I feel so good about not spending money for such a long time), I'm buying a bunch of stuff that I don't need. And I had known that that's not ok and felt kind of guilty about it, but then BJ told me that I really need to cut back on my spending (and he's right) and it's frustrating because I need to eat and I never have any food in my apartment because I never get the chance to go to the store, and then when I do have food at home, I don't have time to go home during the middle of the day to get food, or I do, but it's so much easier to go to Subway. And so mostly what I spend money on is food, but then I also spent a bunch of money on stuff for a Halloween costume, and I still need to get one or two things for the costume. So now that all this is going through my head, I don't even want to buy those other things, but they're kind of necessary for the costume to make any sense and then what was the point in the stuff that I've already got? I don't want to spend money, I don't like spending money, and especially now that BJ and I talked about it (and I am not in any way blaming him for how I'm feeling right now, because he's absolutely right and it was very necessary to discuss it) it's weighing on me even more, and when I do spend money on pointless stuff, it's like I'm telling BJ, "I don't care about our future together. It doesn't matter if we just barely get by because I spend more than I earn, and everything we need and then some has to come out of your paycheck. I don't mind being selfish at your expense." Even if that's not how he sees it (and he probably doesn't, because he thinks I can walk on water and do no wrong), that's still what it is, and that's not what I want. I mean, I love him and I want to honor him, not mooch off of him and count on the fact that he loves me and would send me money in a heartbeat if I ran out. Besides which, I just really really miss him. It's really hard being apart from him. I'm doing my best to be patient, and I know that it's better in the long run for us and for our future for him to stay where he is a little bit longer, but I hate being away from him. And yet I feel like I have to pretend like I'm doing ok all the time. I feel like it's not ok for me to show how much I miss him because I should be always rejoicing, and I have to be an example for other people at the wesley and that missing him and talking about him too much would seem obsessive and would seem like I'm placing him above God. And then it's things like, "rejoice in your sufferings... count it all joy, my brethren," yada yada (which of course is all very good and proper and Biblical and I'm not in the least knocking the Bible) that just increase this pressure for me to be ok all the time because to miss BJ too much is not to trust the Lord, AND I WISH I COULD DO THAT! But I don't know how to get rid of myself. How can I NOT want to be with the man that I'm in love with? How can I NOT feel grief every time I look at his picture and can't touch him? I can't help being human and wanting another human with me that I can love, and if I could figure out the secret of being in love with him but not needing him with me all the time, well hey, I'd be in great shape! But I just want to be with him, and it's enormously stressful to keep doing what I have to do and taking care of business and making money (not enough) and doing women's Bible study and going to class and not to be able to see him every once in a while. Or only once in a very long while. It's been over a month since we've seen each other and we've still got two more weeks till the next time (assuming everything goes well with his work schedule and managers and everything, and if not, it won't be till Thanksgiving). It's really hard, and it really hurts, and I really really miss him.

http://crochet.about.com/library/weekly/aa062098.htm

I'm learning to crochet.