It's hard realizing, but even more so admitting when you're the weak one who is in dire and desperate need of assistance. When you have your own battles to fight and demons to face. For me, depression, self-image, self-worth, and the will to survive are all difficult, debilitating, and sometimes dehumanizing, although they are some of the most human issues anyone can face. But the humanity can be restored in the mere act of admitting that one faces them. I had to come to that point this afternoon, and felt that I nearly lost a dear friend in the process of my own stupidity and stubbornness acting itself out. But after a talk with someone else placed in my life for her own reason, I was able to admit that I still need help, and sometimes some pretty intense, serious help. It gets tiring putting on the guise that everything is alright, that I'm stable, when in reality everything feels like it's crashing down and turning to ashes. I realized that therapy is still necessary in my case, and that, even more difficult to admit, it may one day again come to hospitalization. That medication is not the bane of my existence. That I really am not alone. I know that some of this comes as no shock to some of you, or may come as a surprise to others, but I'm pretty fallen. And like others, I'm not perfect, and I'm not strong, but maybe one day that will all fall into place. Not perfection, but at least strength. And when it does, hopefully you will be the one to see the difference. Please let me know when you do... but until then, bear with me. Stay close, and in those times when I am the strong one, know that I will be there to offer some of my strength to you. Lean on me, and I'll be as stable as I can for your sake. You're loved... always know that.

I was in the hospital again recently. Similar condition to the one I had back in May, only this time worse. I had several friends come to spend time with me. But now that I'm out, I find myself torn between two of my oldest vices: cleaving to sexual intimacy as a form of imitation connection with someone, and overanalysis of my current self as well as my interactions with those nearest and dearest to me.

My mom and I have been spending a lot of time on the phone together. She goes into surgery Monday for a surgery long overdue. But as far as she and I are concerned, I feel that she has truly stepped into the role of being my "mother". She's become selfless and outwardly caring, and not about who I sleep with but how my heart is when I go to bed at night. And in doing so, I find myself being contemplative about so many more things: my faith, my confidence or, more often than not, lack thereof, my vices, and my integrity. I've become cold and sometimes heartless, even towards those I know need love more than anything. I've let my Hyde side come out of the nooks and crannies where it was hiding oh so well. It scares me sometimes...

I think singleness is the option for me right now, though in being honest with myself, time periods without emotionally closeness or intimacy with someone usually leads to binges of promiscuity. I don't want to be that man, that boy again. I want to be what I said I was determined to be if and when I ever came out: a man whose faith drives his sexuality and not whose sex drive controls his faith. I want to truly have integrity, and I want to be ablaze again (don't even think of that as a gay joke!) with the determination to be a man of faith like I used to. I want people to cleave to me as the strong one, but in a way in which whatever foundation I offer them is done out of an altruistic mindset. Seemingly impossible knowing how and who I am as of this very moment, but maybe not after all.

So many things are running through my head, and I know it's been forever since I wrote, not only for those who do read, but for myself, as a means of processing and understanding who I really am, and being able to see the change that I yearn for. I want to have faith, to have passion, to have true God-given confidence wrapped in humility knowing that I am who I am not completely of my own accord. I am a man of choice but also of circumstance. A man of faith, fervency, but also compassion, empathy, and open-heartedness. And also a man cocky enough to start creating his own vocabulary.

I think my long-windedness has come to an end for this time around. Maybe I'll be writing more often. And maybe we both will start seeing a change. Granted I may be too closed off to allow you to see it in my writing for awhile, but I hope to be broken, and trust me, saying that sounds just as odd coming from my fingertips as it does with your eyes scanning across the screen. But we'll see boys... you'll see.