i took the plunge.

guess what?

i did it.

finally.

i made a new xanga.

www.xanga.com/toast_n_honey

yay.

mini_mighty...it's been an amazing 2 and a half years. more than words could say.

so...here we go. new chapter...

(...hopefully the next new name will be a book title, huh? big dreams..)

Currently Listening Better Days By Robbie Seay Band hallelujah god is near see related

::misplaced hope

ready and...go!

i know, it's been a couple weeks...but you know what they say, absense makes the heart grow fonder.

happy palm sunday to you all.

this morning i taught the foundation (we made a sacred vow to never, ever call it 'sunday school' again. who wants to come to school on sunday? that makes jesus sound boring. boo.). they say you never really know something until you teach it; and the old adage proved itself true this morning.

in all honesty, the only thing i associate with palm sunday is making bracelets out of palm tree leaves during service & being annoyed with how everyone thinks they're clever when they name a donkey 'jack'. c'mon, people, where's your ingenuity? give the ass a break.

so i decided to do a little research on exactly why we celebrate this day, and why it was such an important event in history.

ah! i can't help but tell the story with tears in my eyes...is that mushy?

israel was oppressed. for hundreds of years, they had lived under the thumb of other countries' governments...romans, syrians, babylonians...the hebrew prophets had been prophesying about this 'messiah', this 'savior' that would rise up & restore israel in all of its glory. for years and decades and centuries, the entire world waited in quiet anticipation...like an orchestra warming up before the curtains open. the world was waiting. watching. hoping.

then suddenly, this mystery man rises up out of nazareth--healing the sick, opening the ears of the deaf, forgiving the worst of sinners, restoring the sight of the blind, standing the crippled on their feet...proclaiming freedom for the captives! declaring that he was the son of god!

just a matter of days before passover, jesus had raised lazarus from the dead. this was big stuff. there was no denying that lazarus was as dead as a possum on a country road...the religious leaders could no longer explain the mystery of jesus away or rationalize his works or discredit his teachings...they knew they could no longer compete with him. after 3 assassination attempts & twice trying to arrest him...the pharisees & religious officials had finally reached their limit...

and jesus fades in to the backdrop for a few days.

during passover, the population of jerusalem would more than triple from its usual standing of about 50,000. families would make pilgrimages from all over the world, vendors would set up on every possible street, the temple was being prepared for all the sacrifices...and the talk on every one's lips?

'what do you make of this jesus? do you think he could be our savior? what will he do? will he show himself here this week? what will the romans do? what will the religious officials do?

...do you think this could be it? could our freedom be on the horizon? has our time of independence come? has god finally heard from heaven the cries of his people?'

the anticipation was nearly unbearable.

and then suddenly, over the hilltop...

there he is.

jesus.

for an eternity disguised as a mere second, the entire city holds its breath as they catch a glimpse of this miracle maker sitting on a donkey. everyone freezes, eyes well with tears, hearts are pounding...and then someone bursts into joyful shouting---'hosanna!!"--people remove their outer garmets & throw them at his feet; they tear down palm branches & begin waving them about.

but this was more than just acts of celebration.

it had been 150 years since israel had been an independent nation. their last glimpse of freedom was when this crazy guy named judas maccabeus (whose nickname was 'the hammer.' i think we would have been friends.) led an uprising & overtook the syrian government. when he rose to power, he established the palm branch as israel's symbol of victory and independence.

hosanna in hebrew?

'please save us now.'

yes, what the crowds were doing was more than just hyped-up celebration...they were saying they believed jesus was the redeemer they had been searching for for all these years. they believed he was the one that would bring their long-awaited independence from the roman government.

everyone was cheering, dancing, shouting, smiling, celebrating....even the disciples had to be struttin' their stuff--'yes, yes..i'm with jesus. king of the jews, yes. make way, thank you, thank you. 'scuse me, pardon me.'

but jesus' heart was breaking.

he knew that their hope was misdirected...their understanding of him tainted.

he knew that in a matter of days their cheers would turn into hateful cries...'hosannas' would grow in to 'crucify him!'

...even the disciples would be confused by the end of the week...they walked into jerusalem expecting to be the right hand men of the new revolutionary of israel...and then he's dead.

he knew they didn't understand what kind of redeemer he was....

that he cared more about the state of their heart than the state of their political independence or social standing.

and sometimes we look at god's promises and think, "yes! finally! it's about time! i knew he'd come through, i knew something was about to happen...'

and then...death. the death of dreams. overwhelming disappointment. unexpected failure. plans ruined. relationships crushed.

and it seems like all you're left with is a broken heart....your only chance at redemption sealed in a borrowed tomb.

i'm there right now.

but ah, my friend....i can't help but smile when i remember that easter is only a matter of days away.

...there's a sunrise coming. just hold on til sunrise...

Currently Listening Jagged Little Pill Acoustic By Alanis Morissette see related

no more book stores for me.

you guessed it.

i went to borders again.

i've currently buried myself in a soon-to-be-unveiled project, and thanks to modern technology i've made my office a different place everyday...starbucks, random coffee shops & bookstores downtown, friends' houses, favorite local restaurants...i finally broke down and went to borders today because, after two weeks, i ran out of creative places to go. i was lazy.

let's just say i was there for a very, very...very long time.

long enough to run in to like, 4 old friends all at separate times and have significantly long conversations with each of them.

and still work. 

for a long time.

so, needless to say, i finally  got sick of working and decided to browse through the endless book selections...and ended up in the religious section. i starting reading title after title....

'the fall of lucifer'...'women of the bible'...'the attritutes of god'...'become a millionaire god's way'...'bondage breaker'...'the quest for character'...'when you love to much'...'every womans battle'...'every young women's battle'...'preparing your daughter for every young women's battle'...'enjoying god'...'the truth about sex'...'how to study your bible'...'who am i and why am i here'...'lead like jesus'...'the rest of god'...'the five love languages'...'the hidden power of fasting'...'9 things you simply must do'...'the dateable rules'....'what would jesus eat'...'life management'...'secrets of the prophetic'

i...

'kingdom of the cults'...

don't...

'the threshing floor'...

know...

'the management methods of jesus'...

anything.

i hadn't even noticed that with each new title i read, i was slowly taking steps backwards until i bumped in to a shelf behind me.

i slowly slid down the shelves, sat cross-legged on the floor, and cried.

i don't know anything.

it's so easy to get caught up in making sure that we're always...caught up. always aware of the latest movements in the christian culture, always on top of the latest theories and ideas--the next revolutaionary thought, the latest studies on every topic from depression to debt to dating to diets...

"study to show yourself approved."

that verse has kind of been haunting me for a few weeks.

study study study study study. learn learn learn learn learn. read read read read read.

and the danger is that we study and learn and read so much that...we lose the simplicity of the wonder of jesus. i'm the queen of excess, i promise you, and i know that one of the most wonderful things about god is that there's always things to explore, always new depths to tap in to...but there's such a lost appreciation and understanding of the beauty in simplicity.

just jesus.

simply jesus.

maybe it's ignorant, or idealistic...call me lazy, or not a disciplined student of the word. i'm ok with that.

somebody just talk about jesus.

tell me again how his compassion changed the world.

i've got to hear the story, just one more time, about he washed the disciples' feet.

let me just soak in the beauty of his selflessness.

to be humbled by his humility.

to find myself in awe, once again, that he could love me just the way i am.

everything else will work itself out...just tell me about jesus.

Currently Listening Rock N Roll By Ryan Adams see related

never trust a hobbit.

i have a confession to make.

i'm a borders junkie.

(quick insert: and yes, i have moved back home. but we'll talk about that at a later time when i've processed some things more. back to the confession.)

i know, i know...coming from an anti-franchise supporter like myself, the news is pretty shocking. there are times i venture out from my cherished hole-in-the-wall joints...this is one of my guilty pleasures.

i just spent an hour and a half browsing through the endless sections--from religion & philosophy to art & music, an unsatisfying glance at stationary, then back down to business & a quick trip to world travel just to see if anything sparked my interest enough to make me want to pack up & fly to another country. unfortunately...no luck.

half of the experience of going to borders is the other shoppers. some are romantic & intriguing...but most are creepy & weird & yet still irresistably loveable.  tonight there was a huge mountain man/biker dude lookin in the gardening section, and it made my heart smile. there was also a trying-way-too-hard-to-be-trendy-with-my-thick-square-shaped-glasses-and-banana-republic-clothes-and-way-over-dyed-hair couple looking at irish jig music in honor of st.patricks day, and two old men sitting in the literature section reading passages to each other from emerson & hemingway & dickinson & shakespeare. completely enchanting.

the employees at borders are always fun, too. i find that the demographic is consistent nationwide in the magical land of borders when it comes to their staff. there's the earthy girl who doesn't wear makeup, the younger version of robert redford working 3 jobs trying to support his dream of being a rockstar, the huge biker dude with a beard down to his ol' beer belly, an old retired guy obsessed with books on bird watching who has nothing better to do, the angry girl that's had waaay too many free javas for her own good, the hippy guy with long hair in a pony tail wearing a nirvana tshirt who's always extremely personable, and--last but not least--the weird wirey guy who is 28 & still has braces & mumbles in run-on sentences. (hypocritical, i know...i just really like writing in run-on sentences. give me a break.)

i met this dear fellow at the register.

i purchased several books tonight; i'm a little sleepy and a little out of my mind (but what's new?). weird-wirey-braces guy whines the total to me like he was handing his mom his report card, and in turn i hand him my debit card. he asks for my id. i begin digging through my purse (which could easily carry the entire population of south dakota) until i found my drivers license, and hand it to him with a smile.

he emits a hobbit-like giggle & offers it back to me.

i raise a single eye-brow.

he squeaks, "i thought you were much older than that."

as if turning 20 this week wasn't enough.

thanks a lot, creepy hobbit boy. go floss your braces.

as of 8:37am on sunday march 5th, 2006, i am officially no longer a teenager. i will merely be psuedo-adult, though, because i am not yet 21 but still over 18. puberty has officially subsided: let the weight gain begin. i can now testity to 2 entire decades of time i have witnessed. half way to 'the hill.' high school & the care-free life are now 'back in the day.' unfortunately, i must immediately begin the use of anti-wrinkle facial creams like i promised myself i would on this occasion as an act of love to my olive skin. this means i will now feel awkward if i even consider purchasing a teen vogue, and that i will be met with questioning eyes when i am still shopping in the juniors section.  and, worst of all, i will be lying everytime i belt out, "i'm just a teenage dirt bag, baby" when it comes on the radio.

i must now pretend to be a grown up.

the realization that i'm a 'big girl' now is pretty overwhelming. no one else can make decisions for me or fulfill responsibilities or roles in my place. there's no one to blame for my actions but myself, and the word 'bills' will soon carry significant weight in my vocabulary. my future isn't waiting on my consideration or convenience. the minutes are flying by and quickly shaping what i'll do, where i'm going, and who i'll be. life is moving at full throttle.

lately i find myself doing the things i always got mad at my parents for doing. like driving with no music on. i remember thinking, "how can you not have music on!? are you nuts? music must be on at all times when in the car!! on full blast!!"

 yesterday i drove for 3 hours in silence.

i also remember getting very angry at my father for making me clean my room. today i went totally o.c.d. on him when he moved a candle over 2 millimeters in my room. ironic.

i am quickly gaining age. time is going by faster and faster.

and yet what do i hear the holy spirit gentely whispering to me today?

slow down.

take a deep breath.

slow yourself down.

take time to think things through. digest your thoughts, your surroundings, your conversations...

drink in life. abundant life.

you don' t have to have everything figured out today--you can't live in non-existent time. the past is the past, and the future is the future. live this moment, this breath...you'll never get it back. this moment is the only moment you can live.

don't take a single sunrise or sunset for granted; your life is a work of art...though at times it seems like everything is unraveling, that the chunks of clay or splashes of paint could never amount to anything...trust that i am the author of life, the artist of time & the potter shaping your identity.

it's not your job to figure everything out.

slow down.

slow down.

the music doesn't always have to be blaring, i don't always have to be busy, i don't always have to know what tomorrow is.

my sole purpose is to love jesus...that's it. my sole purpose in life is to love jesus. and even at the end of this life...my sole purpose is to love jesus. i exist only to love, and to be loved...not to be successful or accomplished, not to be famous or well-known...not to have a husband & 3 kids & a house & a dog, not to look good or be in respected circles. 

i'm realizing that my life was never meant to be an action movie, but a love story. a pure, simple, beautiful love story.

and in true romances, time only makes the love sweeter, stronger, deeper, more magical, more true...

...so why should i fear time? why loathe the wisdom age brings? if the more i live the more i love...then why should i despise living?

and that's it. all the answers & insight i have today. completely unresolved, but totally okay. unresolved & still completely satisfying.

the beauty, the mystery of jesus.

"every experience of beauty points to eternity."

Currently Reading Enjoying God: Experiencing Intimacy With the Heavenly Father By S. J. Hill see related

i need to update.

too many of my posts start with those words.

i have a lot to write about, but not a lot of time to write. hm.

today is a wonderful day...75 degrees, sunny, jeep, and blossoming dogwood.

the kind of day that makes you want to sell everything you own except tshirts, flip flops, your guitar, & good books, jump in your car, drive west, listen to norah jones, give flowers to strangers, and live solely on popsicles.

i think i'd like to be a gypsy.

and i need a nap.

and a vacation.

back to work!

Currently Reading The Problem of Pain By C. S. Lewis see related