Currently Listening Icky Thump By The White Stripes Conquest see related

Breathing Shards of Glass;

Smiling All the While

As I prepare to graduate in the next five weeks, I cannot help but look back on the time I have spent at IWU.  Thanks to fear of diving head first into something that I might have failed at, I neglected good majors, things I loved, and experience in extra-curricular activities; all of this was for some number that they call a GPA which no employer is ever going to care about.  I feel like I have no marketable skills.  I have a piece of paper and little experience in everything.  Once again I am faced with the dilemma of being a "jack-of-trades and a master-of-none".  In short: hindsight is a bitch.

Now that I have a vague idea of what I could do, I am finished.  Now is the time when the portfolios I finish out with need to be the best work that I have produced yet at IWU and guess what-I have the attention span of a flea.  My chest feels like it is going to explode everytime I breathe.  I hate it.  It hurts to breathe sometimes.  I wanted to do everything so much, that I feel like I did nothing.  Now I am supposed to say, "God had a reason for this and yadda, yadda, yadda."  Actually, these were decisions that I made; no one else came along and told me to be comfortable.  I have half a mind to add another major-now I don't have the money or the attention span to do this. 

Fear crippled me.  I messed up.  I have no idea what I am doing with my life.  I feel like a big lose-bag.  I am angry at myself. 

I wish I could hear God's voice.  Why Columbus, Ohio?  Why?  That makes no sense to me.  But ok.  It hurts to breathe-but I'll keep smiling; God is good.  I am just an idiot.

Currently Listening Trouble By Ray LaMontagne i could hold you see related

The more I change...

He's stayed the same.

I wonder what it was that so enthralled me in the first place;

it was different...

this meeting I mean;

Awkward.

Needed.

Now I see what is in front of me.

Thankful.

I love him.

I'm lucky.

Currently Listening The Hit Singles Collection By Bobby Darin see related

Closer

closer to my dream

sick and twisted dreams

thin, withering, wilted dreams

each pang chops at the stem

slowly depriving it of water

slowly eating itself from the inside out

Petals dulling in color

still standing firm

beautiful flower

birthed from filth

back to filth you go

my eyes see the petals

drift slowly, one by one

weightless velvet nothings

brush the ground softly

loud as thunder

shutting my ears to the sound

I marvel at its naked beauty

only the inner petals remain

nothingness

so beautiful

sigh of awe

rushes out my lips

this is all I could ever want

the stem remains

wrinkled, brown and dry

now it’s dead

My gaze is fixed

basking in the beauty

this graceful, slow death

This was my dream

"sooner or later this cold

it's gonna break

so our hands will be warm again

but all I want is not to need you now"

                                          Yeah that's right...Come up with a caption to that!

I forgot how much I love to blog.  I was looking back on the past few posts and I cannot believe how much God has brought me through.  I am loved. 

I have this overwhelming feeling in me.  I want to hug all my friends and tell them I love them.  I thank the Lord for that. 

Most of all...I want to hug my brother and tell him I love him.  I honestly do not know where I would be without that boy.  He's been my best friend and I feel like not beinghome has been so rough on us.  He's found himself a little lady and he has no time for me or mom or dad anymore.  I think I went through that too when I was a senior. 

I miss snowboarding with him and him cheering me on even when I sucked in comparison to him (yes...he is amazing).  I miss playing sublime songs with him till all hours of the night and hearing mom and dad bang on the wall telling us to shut up.  I miss skimboarding with him after work and skating with him before work.  I miss his laughing at me when I fall on my butt trying to drop in.  I miss having slap boxing fights with him.  I miss riding in the car listening to crappy metal bands as we laughed at nothing at all.  I miss him hanging out with my friends and all of us on the half-pipe looking up at the stars.  I miss renting Kung Pow and laughing our heads off.  I miss going to Lake Michigan and jumping off the pier in May.  I miss both of us irking the cat until she freaks out on one of us...usually me.  I miss his random yet gut busting sense of humor.  I miss him taking trips with me to Traverse because I am board and then riding the penny horse and getting kicked out (the pink steed).  I miss Meijers Sushi and Espresso Bay Coffee.  I could go on. 

God has blessed me with an incredible family.  I am so thankful!  I feel like I don't thank Him enough for it.

                                          I LOVE MY LITTLE BROTHER!