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misplacedfool
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Name: mark
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Birthday: 10/24/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: playing guitar, listening to music, eating, going to concerts, aqua teen hunger force, the big lebowski, poker, friends
Expertise: riding the short bus
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  vector808
Member Since:
11/19/2004
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| I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm gonna go through Enterprise's Management Trainee Program!!!!!!!!! YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sara and I are going to buffalo wild wings tonight to eat greasy food and celebrate!! I can't wait!!!!!!! | | |
| I should probably just go die now. I hurt my girlfriend beyond belief. she read this blog. I'm not sure how she found it but whats done is done. I should have been more upfront with her and she should have been more upfront with me. it's hard for me to share things with someone who I know is not sharing everything with me. I care about her a LOT. probably more than she thinks I do. I just don't tell her as much as she tells me. I'm just not used to telling people all the time how much they mean to me. I show it by doing nice things for them and having a good time with them. but I want everyone who reads this to know that when I write on here I'm usually just venting and obviously I'm not writing about the good things about her. there have been bumps in the road but that is to be expected with any relationship. She's just always busy working during the day and I have to spend that time looking for a job and getting other things done. then when nights roll around she wants to see me and i want to see her but that doesn't give me any time to see my friends and family. what it boils down to is I felt under-appreciated and now she realizes that. she's not a bad person by any means, we just see things differently sometimes. I know she cares about me a lot and I know she doesn't have much time to really show me. I just wish the situation wasn't so stressful. she works all day and goes to school in the evening and then she expects to see me as soon as she's done and I do my very best to be there for her when she gets done with her hellish day. now I've got my family telling me things and I feel like I'm fighting with them too. this is just too much for one person to bear. the problem is nobody knows anything about her except what I tell them because she never spends any time with anyone else in my life (although she doesn't really have time to). it's just difficult because sometimes I get frustrated and I need to vent and the people I vent to don't even know this girl. despite what seems like us fighting and not being happy, I think we've both realized how much we care about each other and that sometimes we take each other for granted. I actually feel more comfortable with her now then I did before because I know that I can just talk to her about whatever I'm thinking. I just wish people would back off and stop telling me what to do. I'm making my own decisions and I shouldn't make decisions when I'm angry so you shouldn't be trying to help me make decisions while reading my vents written in anger. I really do appreciate all of your support but what I really need is honesty, not a blind chant to dump my girlfriend. Thank you
-Mark | | |
| my heart hurts so much. people around me are telling me that I shouldn't be with her even I am thinking the same thing. but everytime I talk to her about stuff she manages to blame it all on me. I know I'm not being completely fair because I should just tell her I don't want this anymore but I can't manage to do so. last night I "started a fight" with her. what this means is that she did something that I thought was ridiculous but according to her she was completely justified and I should have known that. so I tell her she can't do that because it's ridiculous and not fair and if this kind of stuff continues then it won't work out between us. she tells me never to threaten her again or she'll leave me!! wtf is her deal?!? I don't know how this all happened. in the begining if she upset me I would pout until she consoled me and made me feel better again. maybe sometimes I would get upset to quickly and I shouldn't take so much offense to everything she says and does. but here's the rub: she's done and said things to me that I have never and would never do or say to her. thats the whole reason I get so upset so quickly. it's gotten to the point where I actually have to try and convince her that I have a reason to be upset. if she doesn't buy that reason then she says I'm too sensitive. she even used to go so far as to call me a vagina and insinuate that she was the man and I was the woman in the relationship. she's mentioned on more than one occasion that she didn't even want to be in a relationship. she's also mentioned a number of times that she is notorious for cheating on her boyfriends. This all made me very uncomfortable and weiry of our relationship. Now that I "started a fight" she is weiry of our relationship, worried that anything she says to me could cause me to break up with her. now she tells me that she won't be in a relationship like that and if this kinda thing happens again she's gone. I'm trying to console her and tell her that eveything's fine but it's not really working. to be completely honest I don't think that everything's really ok anyway. we do have fun together sometimes but shes always saying something that offends me and I'm always picking at her personality. I don't understand why she says how much she likes me and how amazing she thinks I am. I do things for her, I do special things for her sometimes, but I don't always really treat her like a queen. don't get me wrong, I do everything for her that I possibly can to make her happy, but I don't always tell her how much she means to me and stuff like that. honestly I think she tells me a bit too much. she tells me she misses me half an hour after I leave. she seems a bit needy which doesn't make much sense because she always used to come off as such a strong woman. now she comes off as needy and insecure. did I do this to her?? or is this just how she acts when she decides she likes you? I don't know. I love knowing that she's thinking about me and that she cares but seriously, she's just overkill about it. This is just one of those things that I know is not meant to be and I can't imagine she doesn't deep down think the same. I just can't bring myself to break things off!!! Sometimes I think that I really like her and that I really want to be with her and sometimes I think that I just need to quit now because there's no way it can get much better with this girl. UGH!!!!! | | |
| what is my deal?? is it really me?? I don't even know anymore. I bring up things to my girlfriend that I think are completely valid and she turns around and tells me that I shouldn't be upset and that if I am I should remember that she doesn't tell me when things bother her so I shouldn't even try to tell her when things bother me. I feel so cornered sometimes. On one hand I want to do anything I can to make her happy and I really do try with every ounce that I have to do so. On the other hand she makes fun of me a lot. She tells me not to worry about it because she's just joking but some of the time it really bothers me. I got made fun of a lot in middle school and I really don't deal with it well. I'm trying not to let things get to me, I really am. the problem is when I let things go they don't actually go away. She may make fun of me for the same thing a number of times. If I let it go the first time then she does it again, it makes me that much more upset. Then I get upset and she tells me that I shouldn't be upset. She may apologize but she does it so insincerely sometimes. i.e. "OMG, SORRY!! GEEZ" This just makes me even more upset when she says it like that. Sometimes she treats me like I'm crazy, like I have no reason to say things to her that I say. I stop and think about what I said to make sure that I'm not crazy but what I said still makes sense to me!! She gets upset with me because she says I never think about things that I do and I don't pay attention to anything. I understand sometimes I don't pay attention but I try to pay attention to her which is when it really matters. One day she mentioned what her favorite rose colors were and a day or two later I tried to surprise her with those roses. obviously I was paying attention to her and I wanted her to know that. She works long days at a pool in a concession stand. She would come home and tell me how much her feet hurt from standing all day so I went out and bought her Croc sandals (not the weird looking shoes but the same brand and material) to make it easier on her at work. That was me paying attention to her needs wasn't it?? I don't know anymore. I know a couple things don't mean I'm doing everything right but I've never had someone tell me so much that I was doing things wrong. It'd be one thing if she'd just open up to me and we could communicate on an intimate level but she won't do that. I don't know if it's just because of her past relationships or because of me. I know when we first started hanging out it went well then I felt like I needed some space for a while. I know I should have just told her that and she would have been fine with it but I didn't want her to think I didn't like her, which makes absolutely no sense because of course not hanging out with someone for a month will do that quite effectively. I was not sure about the idea of developing a relationship with someone right before I graduate. It's just extra complication I didn't need while trying to make a new place for myself in the world. I really do care about her a LOT and I try to do everything that I possibly can to make her happy and show her that I care but there is always something that I do wrong or did wrong in the past that makes her not see any of the positive things I do. well I'm sure she does see those things but she is constantly questioning me about us. always asking me if I want to be with her and if I miss her (which I do). It just makes me wonder whats going on with us if she always feels the need to ask me those questions. sometimes she'll bring up the fact that she didn't even want to be in a relationship and she doesn't know if this is going to work out. How am I supposed to feel and react to her saying that?? she questions me and she questions herself!! I try to reassure her but it doesn't seem to work too well. I really don't like when people are upset, disappointed, etc. with me; especially my girlfriend!! For this reason I do everything in my power to please her and make her happy but for some reason I don't do the right things. I'm not trying to make myself look like an angel because I did some stupid things in the past but since we've been dating exclusively I've done nothing but try to make her happy and try to make her see that I really do want to be with her and I really do care about her a lot. It just doesn't seem to matter because anything that I bring up that upsets me eventually comes back to how shitty I was in the past. I just feel like I can't bring up anything without her bringing up stuff that happened months ago. I know that months isn't a supremely long time but the way I act now is comepletely different then the way I acted in the past but it doesn't seem to earn me enough credit in her eyes for her to believe in me and us. So here I am in a relationship in which my partner doesn't believe in me (which is partly my fault as I said earlier), and doesn't believe in herself concerning our relationship. If I bring any of these two things up as a reason why I don't think we have a healthy relationship she will blame me for the former, or tell me there's nothing I can do about the latter. I know I've written a novel here but I have a lot of feelings as you may know and they don't go quietly into the night as I may wish they did. Thanks for listening to me.
yours truly,
Mark | | |
| sex has been my identity and the bane of my existence. at first I was thinking maybe I should just stop having sex. then I realized the only reason sex destroys me is bc Im so careless about it. I have made many mistakes that I'm not too proud of. I wish I could take them back more than anything but I can't. My goal is to be careful, thoughtful, and respectful concerning all of my sexual partners. I was a fool in a fools world walking down the path to destruction. now I'm getting off this path and running through the field of purity to try and regain what respect I have lost for myself. | | |
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