I wanted to actually write in this today like I used to three years ago. David and I are no longer going out after two years and like three or four months. We were both very happy about are decision. It's very strange but we decided that we still love each other blah blah so we have remained in this like..open relationship. It's funny because I wanted to see him more when we broke up and we hung out a lot and acted as if it was the first week of any relationship. It secretly pissed me off that every time we hung out I could tell he just had smoked. Almost as if he needed to take to hits before he could see him. I try not to let these things bug me so in response I have just avoided him. Probably not the healthy or right thing to do but he's trained me to believe that I cant do anything correct. I know he hasn't done any of that on purpose but when I tried to communicate this to him he just seemed annoyed. It's funny because I really think this situation is controlled in my head (hah) but thinking about this is making me tear up and that is even a suprise to me. I was talking with Adam about this (i love our random late night coffee chats) and we each had a random overwhelming confidence when we broke up with our girl/boy friend. It's strange how that works out. For the past three weeks Andrew has been in China working on the graphics for the new motorola phone thats coming out in like six months. According to him it's "fucking beautiful" but he couldn't tell me what it looks like because I would write a blog about it and he'd lose his job hah! I yelled at him for the first time (sadly via phone) I told him that I do not want to be in a relationship and to stop acting like we are in one...that he obviously likes me a lot more then I do and I don't care if he see's other women and that I even encouraged it. And for the first time in about four years he yelled at me. "How dare you fucking say that...dont think that I am not capable of going out and fucking Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday girl...you don't have to keep reminding me we aren't in a fucking relationship Panda...blah blah blah." I don't think Ive ever been in shock by someone yelling at me before...I didn't even know what to say...but when I saw him though for the first time (since he got back) it was as if I remembered that I actually like him. Out of all the guys that have ever been 'in my life' I suppose if that makes sense...I haven't honestly liked any of them besides David and it is so strange to actually have someone unveil that I could like them. I still honestly believe I couldn't love anyone as much as I love David...that he holds the bar...that Andrew was the closest version to David but still not in range...but I feel like i can even admit that I am in some denial...that eventually Andrew's huge amounts of compliments, positiveness, motivation (that david seems to have lost), etc will eventually catch up...and the things that are different about andrew doesn't annoy/piss me off anymore...I embrace them. It's sad because I feel like David's self destruction and no confidence is what will end us...and he doesn't even realize it. Andrew as of right now is my best friend. He's creative, goofy, sarcastic, open to anything/everything, the most positive person I have ever meet, determined...(all characteristics that david has seemed to lost).. wow i wrote way more then i thought i would have and on a subject i didn't even want to mention...oh yeah i grew a crush on my science teacher (don't worry he's young hah)...and for the past two weeks we have been emailing eachother everyday. awkwarddd | 
