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| i'm leaving on a jet plane...but i know when i'm coming back again :) i can't believe i'm hanging out in the hong kong airport waiting for my flight to beijing, a place where i can't even PRETEND like i understand people, like in hong kong :(
my pride was totally humbled two days ago. i was shopping with my cousin and trying to chat with one of the salespeople. he's all, are you 18 yet? ouch #1. i'm like noo i'm almost 20. he's like oh, you're not from here are you, your chinese isn't very good. NOW. hahaha it's not the fact that he said that to my face that hurt, but i always thought that my cantonese was AT LEAST improving. haha but sadly, i guess, no.
anyway, i'm leaving and i'm scared and nervous and freaking out. just a bit :) i'll reflect on the past year on my next post but yah. God's bringing me into a new season. good closure... haha. i'm gonna miss home for a bit but i'll be back soon. i dernoo... so many new things, time to step out in faith, keep choosing to trust in You, and know that You have everything in your hands. so out i go :) goodbye america for a couple of weeks :D i will be back, hopefully with kick-butt chinese :)
this post is dedicated to daniel lee who wanted me to post. hahaha but i'll post an actual post in a bit. :) will miss you dear friend.
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| another quarterI loveeee how i always write a post after finals. it's like my way of de-stressing. sad that i can never find time during the quarter to write about life.
i don't know why i miss home so much this year. it's not even my house anymore; it's some foreign place made up of concrete and such but it's the feeling i guess. of being totally, unconditionally, always accepted. it's at home that my temper goes sky high and no one cares or even raises an eyebrow. it's at home that i can have mood swings freely and act like a total brat and not have to uphold an image. it's at home that i don't have to be 'such a woman' or 'lady-like' or 'careful about... everything'. it's at home where the worst of me spills out. rarely the best of me. and yet somehow my family still loves me. weird huh... that i still strive for the acceptance and love of those whom i only show my best to, and yet to those i show the worst to, they are the ones that i know will love and accept me no matter what.
i guess that's everyone's desire, right? to be themselves, and to be totally accepted for it. to not have to pretend, live up to some unseen expectation, to just be themselves, bad and good. i have such high expectations, of myself and of everyone and i know one day that'll be my downfall. because no one will be able to make the cut, least of all me. God, what pride. to think that i should have the power to expect the best and only the best out of everyone.
wishful thinking never helped anyone but here i go again. if only i could enjoy life as it is, the goods and the bads. i think i'm too spoiled to handle the bad. God, bring on the bad. if that'll help me enjoy the good then so be it. i'm too spoiled anyway.
i hate balance. i feel like i'm never balanced. i'm always too busy, or too bored, or not spending enough time with people, or not studying enough, or not doing enough. expectations and failing them. always. someone should just get rid of all expectations and then this would be a happier place to live in.
why am i so afraid to mess up? seriously, abraham was an insane man. some invisible diety tells u pack all 100 family members and as the leader you do and they ask you where you're going, uprooting your entire family and history and all that and the leader says, 'i don't know'. oh man... he had some crazy belief or somethin'. what leader doesn't know what's going on? haha surprisingly a lot.
anyway ramblings of a procrastinator. let the mess come, God. i need some common sense and wisdom to deal with it but you haven't failed me yet, and i don't think you will. it's a good thing You know what You're doing.
The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught. The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears and I have not been rebellious: I have not drawn back. -Isaiah 50:4-5
That is what I want to pray someday. That's my life goal. God, I want that.
See I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another. -Isaiah 48:9-11
oh snap.
wisdom and clarity please.
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| for you...I will fight for you. My friends. My brothers and sisters. You are too important to me. Where I have the most power, I will learn to wield my sword. I know I'm going to fail a couple of times but this has become too important of a battle to just ignore.
I will fight... where I have the most power.
On my knees.
This I vow.
Sincerely,
b3rn.
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| woohoo only 1 1/2 months this timeso i finished my first final of my second year... and in retrospect, there have been so many things on my heart this quarter.
random ramblings after my 4th quarter
I don't know where I am. I've been finding it harder and harder to describe my situation with words; i'm already not good with words as it is :) but this quarter has been so... WEIRD. for lack of better word :) so many things have been 'wrong' and almost everything hasn't been the way that i envisioned things, friendships, ministry, me and God, family. i'm not a super spiritual christian now, i still can't hear God or at least have lots of trouble discerning his voice, still suck at fostering good friendships with girls (yes sarah i know you disagree :P ), ministry is like.. out the window, and family is... *sigh* still going through the same things. where are the break-throughs? where are the blessings that are supposed to shower down? [not that i'm ungrateful for the ones that i have, i freely admit i'm super spoiled by God] where is the crazy fire and passion that burns on and on? [yah i also know this one doesn't exist] dang. this walk isn't easy. at all.
God i know you're faithful. I know you're good. I know you're worthy. but i need some fresh fire, some fresh bread, fresh manna, something because i'm getting stale. haha really stale. i'm doing the 'going through motions' thing again, and i need a new outpouring of love, of understanding who you are, i want to open up your love letter and be fascinated by it, to be hungry for it. i need to get down to the grind as sam puts it and just do it too. dangit. i need god the discipline to get down to the grind. otherwise i'm just gonna fall off to nothing; i can see it happening and it starting to happen. i don't want that; i've tasted and seen that You are good and know that there's nothing in comparison, no matter how many doubts hit me questioning your character and sovereignty. cuase i know they'll be there, i can count on the doubts to be there but i know i can also count on your character never changing and your promises never changing.
God why are you so good? why do you continue to pursue a heart that's burnt out, that's cold, that's dying? why do you want a relationship? that's so weird... a relationship? a friendship? with man?!? why... haha i'll never understand that. we're so flawed, so volatile in our emotions, so trusting of our emotions but not of You, One who Never Changes. how odd we are...
during this weirdd... time, i still remember. our memories, our laughters, our 'moments', the times God where you straight-out laughed at me becuase i was being a dork, the times like tonight when haha i get a random blessing and am able to sing my heart out to You. those little moments, Lord, that's what keeps me going. God, i'm in this for the long haul, no matter how many low points there are, I know that you're renewing my mind, i know you're changing me, i know that if i stay with You, if i abide in You, you'll abide in me.
I'm so glad that You never break your promises.
so, give me the strength, discipline, the same thing i've been asking for years, but i still need more. more wisdom, more love, more grace, more trials and tribulations, more crap, more bad times and good times, becuase God, that's life :D and i'm thankful for it. i'm thankful to be alive. to feel, to hurt, to love, to smile, to laugh, to cry, to wonder, to question, to everything.
haha Lord, i like how the words i say, even if it starts out complain-y always ends up thankful. Thanks God :)
love,
Your Beloved
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| and yet another 3 months fly by.i think the older you get, the faster the years pass by. seriously; i was wearing my speech and debate sweater (it was the freshman thing to do) and i can't believe it's been 5 years since i was in mrs. northrop's class... 5 years. so crazy.
anyway, today i cried. let it be known that i cry a lot, but especially when there's anything to do with people saying goodbye or people dying. i derno why... maybe someone can psychoanalyze me and figure that out :)
school's started, and ucla's lovely during this time. i'm excited because this week is going to be in the 90's!! i love this weather and i love the trees and the clouds and the constant blue skies and the beauty of this WORLD. God, You're amazing.
it's my second year, but i feel like it's my first. i'm walking around a bit lost, scared to talk to new people, and feeling very hm.. i guess still lost. but in a more philisophical way. things (like they normally don't) aren't going the way i had envisioned which leads me to this very vulnerable spot where i just look up and say, God where are you? what are you doing? i don't understand. but in that, there's always an unexplainable peace that transcends my understanding that covers me and whispers, "it's okay. i'm still in control. trust me."
i don't really know what i'm doing. i like to pretend i do, but that's my pride speaking. soo muchhh pride... in everything i am or do. but i know, i've come to the spot again and again where even my pride can not hold me up... at the weakest and most desperate times, i call out to You and You never fail me. ever.
life's been interesting. going back to my roots and doing chinese dance again, joined a club called ccdc. wow.. SO inflexible; everyone's all just chillin, doing their splits, and i'm like OW. in pain. haha but it's good, need to start getting flexible again.
today i ran almost 2 miles. and it felt like nothing. i always like it when that happens... that means i'm still taking care of my body somewhat even though i've put on a few pounds. i swear, living in the LA area makes me so much more shallow and so much more conscious of my weight. i remember at the beginning of last year, wondering how people could be counting calories; i feel like i understand that now. it's a constant fight though, remember that #1 I'm fine the way i am, #2 skinny is a cultural definition and if i went to africa or some obscure nation i would be considered fine and #3 as long as i'm healthy, can't really complain. got food on my plate so it's good.
anyway random ramblings as always; it's what comes out when i'm procrastinating :)
my camera isn't functioning. which makes me sad. mostly at the fact that i can't be responsible for really expensive things... but yay my laptop hasn't broken down yet, so that's good :)
i feel like i'm in limbo. the 'in between' stage. not sure what's going to happen yet.
how come what other people think of me is so important? why can't it be less important? i see it pervade almost every area of my life. sorta rediculous...
:) smile. i could say Jesus loves you, becuase he does. but also because tomorrow is another day, another 24 hours to do LIFE. and enjoy it. and breathe. and live.
God bless,
-Bernice
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