i'm finally back!!!  it's been very long!!!  nothing's new... home, work, school.  it's been a very hard few months for me...  i was so down emotionally to the pont i thought i was crazy!  i know why i'm hurting and i know what to do to make it stop hurting but it's not easy at all...  i signed up at the local animal shelter to work as a volunteer and it heals me inside.  i want to get a jack russel pup but it's too darn expensive...  and i'm getting tired of tony roma's...  i know what i need to do to heal the wound that's deep inside me.  i finally figured a way to heal it.  i know that if i don't heal it, it's gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.  i've been crazy about FFX lately and i can't wait until i finish it...  the wound...  the deep deep deep wound that's in my heart...  it's like a scab that never goes away...  i can conseal the pain by forgetting about it but sooner or later something touches it and the wound bleeds...  growing up is too hard...  i wanted to be someone when i reached 21...  i wanted to be something i am not and i guess i never will be...  i hated myself so much in sahs and i'm still the same person.  i wanted to change and i thought i did but i haven't changed a single bit.  i wanted to be someone else...  i still want to be someone else.  without the problems and without the scar.  i'd rather have a physical scar than a emotional one...  it's too hard...  but i am content right now.  as long as the nightmares don't bother me, i'm content...  all this nonsense makes me wonder if my beliefs are wrong...  oh, by the way, ever since 1/2/05, i cannot drink anymore...  if i taste a little alcohol, it really disgusts me....  and thanks for calling me on my birthday TC!!!  too bad i missed you at home and at my aunt's house...  i'm such a loner....  but it helps to know i have friends that miss me... i luv you gurls~  oh yeah, all my mini hammies died...  i only have bubbles and jelly... i really need to post their pictures...  they are so adorable...  i wish there was a pill to help yo forget bad memories...  do you know that if you are so hurt inside, your brain erases some of the memories???  is that why i don't remember a lot of the stuff???  but the funny thing is i remember the little stuff...  i just can't remember the memories from when i was little...  it's just randon pictures...  it still hurts till this day TC, it still hurts me so bad... 

gosh...  ish almost 2005...  i'm gonna be turning 21 before i know it!!!  you know how you always look back at the end of the year and it really seems as if it was yesterday when it turned 2004?  gosh...  who am i gonna kiss on new years?!  xavier won't be back until the 8th... boo~  but this time apart has really made me look back at out relationship...  i hope it grows from this... 

i saw the pairs hilton video yesterday...  umm...  it was weird because it was paris hilton but that was about it.  i mean, you see one porn, you see them all...