why am i not happy? why does my mood and the feeling about our relationship changes so much? what do i really want? why is it that I always tend to give out more? why is it that I tend to work my schedule around yours? does it mean that I care more? like you more? but no.. not this time. this time wasn't meant to be like this. why is it still me? that is so stupid. yeah. maybe it is because i am not as busy as you are. maybe it is because i am stupid for having my priority straight. but i really thought it is all about sacrifice. maybe i am wrong from the beginning. maybe i should pretend or hold back my feelings. what i feel like doing, what i want to do is not always the right thing to do. maybe i need to be more distant, leaving you wanting more, instead of giving you everything by hand. I hate this game. I never wanted to a part of it. but i guess.. it is necessary uh? i got to play along, like those whom i don't want to be. 

      maybe it all goes back to being insecure. maybe the reason for me acting like this is because i am afraid that i am not good enough. so.. i try to give you the best. make you feel the best. maybe that way, you will appreciate me more? like me more? maybe that way, i will like myself more, think higher of myself as well? why can't i just feel confident and happy for once on my own, by myself? why am i so dependent on these others who i know will disappoint me? why do i have so many questions but no answers? no solutions? i know what my problems are.. i just don't know how to fix them. time after time, over and over again. this is lame. someone tell me what to do. how to act. that would make things so much easier.

     sigh, i hate moments like this, they make me just want to let it all go, and give it all up.  

The problem is that you want to be the ONE in his life, like how you wanted it in all the other relationships. It doesn't happen easily. And you already know too. So, why is it so hard to put down your own ego? Why is it that you still cannot control your feelings? Weak.. so weak. Just know what might comes along down the road. Don't think that all the stuff that is happening now will prevent things from going wrong. Remmeber what you told yourself before this all. You should keep your head clear. Don't expect much because it is silly.

Okay? Will you be strong?

Right now, I feel restless. So, here I am.

I realized that I am somewhat a rebel too which I didn't know before. The things that have been happening are truly something else. I am not sure how to deal with it because I have never experienced this before. What I know is that if they keep on pushing my button.. i think i might just become careless and not give a crap anymore. I didn't know how hard it is to go against your friends. What my heart tells me about you is getting messy also. What do I really want I wonder? I have been questioning about myself. Am I okay? Am I capble of really love someone? Have I ever? How do I feel now?

I enjoy having you around. I like... wow so many things about you, and things that you do. But once again, it is bad timing. I am not sure if I will ever understand you and your past. I am nervous a little. Should I be scared for my heart by being with you, forgetting about what my friends are saying about you.

I feel tired... listening to them... looking at you. I see different things. What is true i wonder? I know that I fell. Did you? Just friends, uh?... really?

sigh, it's okay fei. it is just another experience in your life. life goes on. watch the sun rise.

you came when I most needed. God, is this part of your plan for me? If so, please lead me and us to walk well. This time, am I gonna be smarter? Are things going to go righter?