mistresscupidtoo's Xanga

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 22:58:40 GMT

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Thu, 03 May 2007 04:24:08 GMT

I'm mean. I am...

sometimes you gotta be tough... sometimes to hide... sometimes to lie to yourself... just to survive... that's what I want... to survive.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 06:38:32 GMT

...sigh...

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 19:48:23 GMT

i go to watch a youtube recommended by a friend... and it doesn't play any sound... *click click*... hrmm...?

i forgot. there's no speaker here.

work sucks.

karma?

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 09:03:37 GMT

so it’s 8pm on a cold Thursday and I’m trying to make a red-light right turn. there’s traffic coming and i'm trying to play it safe, inching forward. the car behind me goes absolutely crazy with the horn and insists that i turn so they can too. i ignore it and turn when i think it’s safe to… as i go on my way the car that was behind me speeds up to catch up with me, then steps on the gas and swerves to my left and right on past me. mmm…

i sigh a big sigh … i mean, i was going 40 in a 35 local road…! and then i see blindly bright lights in my rearview mirror and someone revving up their engines. i sigh another big sigh and shake my head, thinking. “what’s the hurry all of the sudden??”

as the vehicle speeds up besides me and then ahead of me… i hear the familiar sounds of a police motorcycle siren… and he sets his lights flashing as he stops his car way up at the next light… right behind the car that went ahead of me…

not so japanesey

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 22:24:34 GMT

so i've been complaining about how a lot of people tend to mistake me for a little japanese girl... and i've said that one day i would just sigh and say yes...

one day last week i went to one of the japanese supermarkets here in l.a.'s little tokyo. i bought myself a delicious sushi lunch. yum! i was at the checkout counter when the lady behind the cashier asked, " *mumble mumble mumble* ohashi *mumble*? " [translation: "...chopsticks...?"] so here was my opportunity to make good what i said and just be japanese... i took a deep breath and answered her, "yes" . . .

.

.

.

. . . in spanish.

*sigh* so much for that.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:39:57 GMT

...i want to feel love like this again...

only fools rush in.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 05:54:18 GMT

midterm tomorrow... but... i'm nowhere near the books.

always seems that the most important moments of my life seem to always have an impenetrable and constantly impending doom in its horizons...

i'm stupid. so incredibly stupid. but i'd rather be stupid than ignorant.

i think i've always felt that ignorance doesn't make for any wise decisions... i hate being left in the dark... especially when i have these feelings that tell me differently, that i know better... i hate that i'm always right.

and what do i pay with for my stupidity? money. time. tears. effort. thoughts. emotion. months of therapy. friendships. belief and faith. everything. ...

in a way i'm for a lack of words... and in some ways, i'm plenty full of them, but only in semi-revealing ramblingnesses... i guess i'm... shocked.? no, not really. just... letting it come and sink in the level of how incredibly, absolutely stupid i am, i guess...

i should have known... or... maybe i did? deep down? back of my head? or really, in my heart? i knew. i've known. all along...

perhaps i've been sniffing up the wrong tree? hah... i think, but of course i have. or maybe it's just that i've been missing a whole tree to sniff up... and i should have been sniffing both... or maybe even more than one two.

ohhhh god (a half prayer, so don't get all uppity on me, you religious people), i'm sooo stupid.

shame on me.

no. shame on me, but mostly, shame on YOU.

i... don't know... what to... say... or... do ? dammit. they got rid of askjeeves.com... would he have known?

...just when i thought... that i might be able to feel again...

but now i feel... i feel every inch of me that was able to open up... rushing back towards me again, to be shut up somewhere within the deepest pockets of myself and never to be so exposed again. ever.

still... i know this time. i know. i know that i'll walk away with only a couple of bumps and bruises. and thank god (another prayer) for it.

it's time. time for the truth.

strange and superstitious... ridiculous and ludicrous... but also... eerily true. my eyes, the window to my soul... could it be part of the never-ending lure of sadness? if so, rosie, your mom's got skillz.

random ramblings...

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 07:51:16 GMT

so here i am at 4 (and some odd minutes) in the morning... can't sleep... and blogging just some randomnesses...

i have been shopping too much for my own good. i had a shopping mini-spree before i went back to school, but then the following week i went to the mall and found the puurrrrfect suit and that ended up being too much for someone who doesn't wear them all the time. still, it was too good to pass up. fantabulous peacoat at j.crew that i promise i will start wearing as soon as it gets that cold. i have added to my pantie collection -- not that i lack enough of them... i have too many. i bought new "fatty" jeans. *sigh* some new shoes... new purse (omgosh LOVE the new purse!!!!!!). so, at the beginning of summer i hadn't a decent dress to wear to anything, but now that it's fall, i seem to have too many dresses and not many places to go to in them! oh geez. now all i have to do is lose enough weight...
speaking of my weight! i am soooooo losing some!!! oh, thank god! >.< i don't think it looks like i lost some weight, but i was in the dr's office today and when the nurse weighed me, she looked somewhat impressed. hopefully by the end of the year i'll be back to skinny jeans and size small tees!!! working out is a pain (literally and figuratively) some times, but i am feeling great about the benefits here!
i get the feeling i'll go broke before the middle of december...
i was kind of under the impression that cigarettes are expensive. not once-in-a-special-occasion expensive, but shouldn't-be-squandered expensive, especially to any average smoking and majorly stressed out student...? so why then would anyone want to waste their cigarette...smoke? wouldn't you want to have it on your lips and in your mouth to suck in all the smoke while you can? if so, then why do people walk around like this...?!?! -- "sharing" their cigarette with others downwind of them. i am starting to think this young individual and others like him are wasting their dollars on something they should be using solely for themselves. why light up when you can't walk and smoke at the same time? why light up when you don't intend to smoke, but end up wasting a good cigarette? doesn't make any sense to me.
i love wal*mart, but there aren't any close by here... i love ikea, but there aren't any close by here either... sometimes l.a. kind of sucks... but at least there's a target! *jackie's eyes start to sparkle* all the pretty things to look at! ^.^ so fun! -- yes, i'm weird, i know.
i'm starting to get behind on some work at school... i feel the pressure and the guilt...
i wonder what they're hiding??? ::

i learned that if you put real jack-o-lanterns outside for more than 3 days, it will get soft and moldy. ewww.
it's mid-term time again...!
long day tomorrow... better go to bed... -.-

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 21:23:40 GMT

i can't breathe...

dunno if it's from the being sick? the anxiety? the stuffy LA environment? or could it just be from all the cryingness?

what if it's all a big mistake? yours or mine? how do you know? and when?

sometimes i feel so much like a failure... i don't want to be a bum, i don't... and i don't want anyone to be disappointed in me... i just want to make everyone happy and proud...

why does it seem to be an endless and impossible task?

i don't know where i am or how i feel right now... i just hope i can continue to feel anything at all and that the numbness doesn't set in again...

isn't it good to forgive? how can you forgive when you still have occasional feelings of wringing their necks like a limp chicken? (*sorry for the graphic animal violence*) how do you know you are ready to forgive if you just don't go ahead and say you do and wait to see how you really feel when the time comes?

i'm so tired of being mistaken for japanese!!! *BIG sigh* uh... hello?! there ARE other asian cultures out there?!!! but i guess my eyes are to blame... one of these days, i'll just say HAI.

sometimes i can't help but feel betrayed... but then again i wonder if it's under my alotted rights to feel that way... still, i think the answer's no.

and it still rings true that

love hurts