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| sooo yeah i figured...im prolly gonna make a new xanga soon LOL mmm but until there here AMUSE URSELF =D blah blah | | |
| the thing about birthdays is that i dont like celebrating mine. i dunno, its something i feel isnt worth celebrating or something. i mean, i'm not trying to get any attention or pitty, i just feel like...no one really cares that much you know, besides my family. so being at sf state now, with no one here to like...celebrate my birthday with...its kind of...i dunno weird. i feel like...eh...im finally here with people who care about me and say they'll do something for me on my birthday, but its like...i dunno...dont make it a big deal kinda thing. i dont think my birthday is that important. i dunno...i was just trying to forget that tomorrow is the big day, but erica kept bringin it up. im happy that people wish to like do something for me. but i dont wanna get dissapointed in the end and be like...oh shit they didnt do anything you know? inno..ive always set low expectations for my birthday just because one, i never really had a party with friends on my birthday. no suprise birthday shit goin on. i mean i dont have that many friends. only josephine and jamie really. but like josephine cant make it and jamie i think is gonna try. but i mean...i dont want it to be a hassle either. like ughhh pulling this shit off for you is hard enough and blah blah. im indifferent about this shit. like fuck man...im 19 now...celebrating it at a great city. but i dunno...i dotn wanna be like...yeahhh people are gonna take me out do something for me and blah blah, cause thats setting expectations and thats what i do a lot and i get dissapointed sometimes. i dunno...i guess what im saying is...my birthday...previous ones when i look back, were kinda lame. i mean no one really was there to suprise me with something or hol da party. i mean im not saying im ungreatful for what people did, but im just saying, i wish i had a birthday like most teenagers have had. :P i dunno wtf. forget it. tomorrow is just a normal day and its the ONLY day fucking people are nice to you. other than that. its like fuck you...go away. lol. blah...sigh. im kind of teary right now...just cause its coming and...sigh...i dunno whats gonna happen tomorrow :P sigh...damnit...is it gonna be a good birthday? beats me shrugs.
happy 19th birthday to me :P | | |
| FUNNY
Its funny how the many times I cried for you and
The times my heart shatters into a million pieces
You're not there
To help put my heart back to the way it was
To wipe all the tears away.
Too busy singing a song, talking to your friends, or thinking of what the hell I did wrong
Its funny how I'm blamed for all my faults,
Yet I can say the same things about you
But whenever I do
You say "babe I'm sorry…stop that…its okay"
But when the tables are turned
I'm not even given a chance to speak or to be heard
I've been torn up
Shut down
Broken in two
Cause I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do
Cause I thought everything was perfect before last night
But I guess after that fight…
I was right…
No one has ever made me cry as much as you have
Pushed me down to the point where I can't get up
I've probably cried a river by now
But none of that really matters
Because I'm the fuck up in this relationship
I deserve to feel this way
Its funny how you lecture me about respect and consideration
When you don't even give me the same back
I can't tell you this because this shit don't matter
Now does it?
Because you perceive me as this monster that you hate to see
And what I do…well you think that's just me
I'm told that I don't give you attention online
I'm not loving or affectionate and that I'm different
When today I felt exactly what you meant,
Except you were the one doing it to me
Your hypocritical ways just blind me, make me go insane.
Its like, I want to tell you what I feel, but I'm afraid
Afraid of losing you…
But maybe keeping you is worse than loosing you
Maybe its me and not you
Probably its been me all along.
And this equation doesn't make sense
I'm just getting F in this class called "Relationship 101."
Because no ones teaching me how to solve this equation correctly.
I don't know how to handle you or how to react
Because it all seems to be my fault
I feel you assume I know what the fuck I'm doing
And what I'm doing is intentional
When in reality I'm just learning me and I'm learning you, right?
Last night you left me to think on my own,
Let me drown in my own tears
Crying out to you, "Please help me understand."
When all you could do is stare back saying, "You figure it out yourself."
That hurt me, but my pain didn't matter as long as we were still together
And when I wrote you that letter
And I told you to read it,
You were quick to forgive me.
Like everything just magically clicked
It felt awkward, but I felt like everything was okay again.
Remember
When you fucked up in the beginning
I listened to you
I never left you
You cried
I comforted you
Telling you everything's going to be okay
I stuck by you because that's what you do
That's what I do
But I feel that every time I fuck up
You seem to abandon me and leave me out in the cold
Its funny how you question my love because of something online or something I've done on the phone
As if to imply, "When you drive down here just to bring me to practice I don't call that love."
It hurts because shit like that leaves wounds in my heart
It makes me think…
and wonder…
Are the tears all worth it?
Are all the trips to see you worth it?
Is getting to know you worth it?
Are you worth it or am I wasting my time?
Am I?
Because I feel like I'm still chasing after your love
And if I stop chasing you then….
That's the end of this fairy tale
But the question is…
Why does it feel like you aren't chasing me for my attention,
for my love?
And that you aren't scared to lose me?
Seems like you're the one not showing your emotions towards me
I could say that whenever I talk to you on the phone you sing and not pay attention to what I'm saying and you brush it off
Like something else is on your mind
Then you get mad at me for saying good bye
Like what the fuck am I supposed to do when we don't talk on the phone?
I look and feel stupid. I feel awkward
But you didn't think of that because you assume I'm just inconsiderate and don't want to talk
When I talk to you online you do the same things you say I do.
One word responses, the same shit…you know, the ones you called me on.
Do you know why I don't show emotion online babe?
Because in the past, I used to get mad at people for not showing the right emotions
The type of things we were arguing about right now
When in the end it actually created more drama
Because I misunderstood what they said and what they meant.
I didn't want to misunderstand you because I already knew that you love me and I love you
And since then I've learned my lesson.
Keep all emotions aside and leave my heart and feelings offline
When I'm with you in person, its totally different
I fall in love with you every time.
Its different because I know you love me as much as you say you do
But sometimes it sneaks up on me.
That respect
That consideration your talking about
But I don't say anything
Because I know our relationship goes deeper than that.
Now I ain't trying to start drama, I'm just venting here
Because I'm left to think all by myself while your out having fun
Cause last night you had me all up in tears
To think that your boyfriend is crying and emotionally unstable right now
And all you could say is rest
Get some rest
And you not saying one thing to comfort me…
not even a phone ring…
not even a "Are you okay? Did you want me to do anything for you?"
And you say I need to give you respect and consideration back?
I think its pretty much equal right now
Where were you babe?
When I needed you to comfort me?
I feel like I'm left alone,
Speaking to myself,
Telling you a part of my world and how its like
Because to be honest, everything is new to me and that's okay
Cause I'm willing to change for you
But sometimes your responses are priceless…
It's the okays, uh huhs, or I'm falling asleep that annoy me
And I tell you to talk and you say you are,
But you're not.
And you tell me what you say to me feel like it don't matter.
Well you're doing the same shit to me and you don't even notice
I feel like shit…that what I just said didn't matter to you
Because you just fell asleep.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect and I don't know common sense in a relationships
How to be romantic online or how to stay on the phone without saying a word
But you're my baby
My best friend who's supposed to help me through the end
That's what couples do, they try to understand
Not leave the other behind
But I guess that shit just don't work the way its supposed in this situation
Its my fault right?
I fucked up
And you didn't.
You're right
And I'm wrong.
Cause to you, I'm just an amateur and you're the pro in relationships.
Sorry to be a disappointment, a turn off
And when you're out having fun
I'm thinking of you
Just to let you know
I'm always thinking of you
Thinking of how happy I am with you
How I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you
And how you're the one and you're the greatest guy I've ever met
Cause you actually like me back and you think I'm sweet…
But is that all a front?
Are you just forcing yourself to be with me?
You don't have to be with me if you think its not working out
Might as well stop things before we get too deep
But when it all comes down to it,
Its not about the fights we have
The stupid shit we say or do
But its our love for each other
The love I give and show you
Babe we need to meet half way
And truly listen and understand each other…
Babe…
It seems we've both forgotten what being in love feels like
And I miss it…
I miss it a lot
| | |
| It's even hard for me to say thank you to her because I don't ever ask for anything, just remembering the days that I used to spend with my father and him teaching me to live without taking free money from anyone,
As much as I've said I've grown or learned from my experiences but to be able to acknowledge forgiveness and build love through it all is to me the one most fulfilling emotions
But I can't say yes, she also lives from paycheck to paycheck, and what kind of man would I be if I was to accept money from my best friend who I know is also in a difficult delienma like mine. What kind of man would I be if I can't take care of myself with my own bare hands. The shame and the guilt of such a life would promisingly kill me, both physical and emotional. <<< i feel that so much! that goes out to you jamie lol =/ but its not really funny. its true...
We live for enjoyment, we live for our responsibilities and our improvements, It wont be a life for me if I cant do what I think is right. << so true
^^^ thanks man
Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.
Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.
Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder. Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals. Don't stagnate.!
Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.
Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won.
Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.
To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.
To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you
can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter. Get rid of destructive elements:
abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.
Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.
Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.
Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.
Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you. You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination. No one completes you -
except YOU.
It is true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.
Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!
When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.
it's weird how all of a sudden, someone can just come up with so much negative things to say about u. << glenn =)
i missed xanga :) i really did | | |
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The little things do matter
I never thought that what I do and say could make such a negative impact on others. I figured, I was a nice guy who’s very considerate of other people’s feelings. I care about what others feel. I ask when a person is feeling down what I could do to help or if they need someone to vent to. When I used to have a job, I used to treat people out or lend money to my friends who didn’t have cash and expect nothing in return. I thought I was considerate enough to put anyone first before me. I guess, I’m not that considerate after tonight. The littlest things do matter and I guess I over looked that these past weeks.
The boyfriend and I had a real "real talk" tonight on aim. I guess one thing led to another in his case and it escalated. I on the other hand didn’t think much of it (the little things). I said hi to him online and he responds, "So now you’re talking to me?" I guess I brushed it off because I couldn’t believe that he was still angry about me not messaging him online. I still didn’t think much of it while he was speaking because I figured he was overreacting about talking online (the little things). I was wrong, it turns out…he was right. He told me that whenever he’s online I don’t talk to him or I don’t message him as much. He says that he feels that I’m a different person when I’m online. I was shocked when he said this just because I didn’t think messaging each other online meant something to him. Maybe if you talked to me two years ago I would have agreed with him because I felt the same way, but no…I didn’t feel that way. And I don’t feel that way. Considering I saw him yesterday and every chance that I get I see him, I felt that I didn’t need to show him that much affection online because I thought he already knew what I felt. He had never told me of what he felt about this issue until today. I was really shocked. I kept on apologizing to him hoping that he would drop it, but I guess it really hurt him (the little things). I never thought that me saying "bye" online would mean so much more to him. To him to meant, "fuck you, peace." Or something along those lines. I can see now why he was making this such a big deal. I never thought that messaging him to tell him "I loved him" would mean a lot either. I mean, I do say it, but I guess not often (the little things). He says I’m a different person and I act different online because of this. I act like whatever he says to me feels like it doesn’t matter because how I act. If anything, if I knew what troubled him, I wouldn’t have been so inconsiderate (the little things).
But like he said, inconsiderate is a turn off to him. At this point, I was feeling defenseless, there were no excuses, this time I really did fuck up. I kept on thinking of the many times we talked and I guess he is right, I don’t show much affection online. He tells me just because its online doesn’t mean I have to act differently. Signing off without telling him was one example of me being inconsiderate. He kept on telling me that maybe it would be best if he didn’t talk to me online. Which I took as, "I think we shouldn’t talk at all." I got really scared because I don’t want to loose him, so I kept on apologizing. I kept telling him that all I could do is change for the better, but it felt like…he had enough...for good. That I only got one chance and I blew it (the little things). He also said that’s how I am in person and on the phone too sometimes. That I’m inconsiderate and I act differently towards him. I told him that I thought you said we would tell each other what was bothering us? Then he said the worse thing I could have ever imagined him saying, "Its gotten worse." I couldn’t believe I was reading what he wrote correctly. Gotten worse? Well, I felt the same way too these past two weeks. I wouldn’t really call it a "I love you everyday" kind of weeks. I’ve been exhausted, too many tears shed and too many arguments had. But "Gotten worse?" I see why he’s had enough of it, I blew up on him the day of his performance on Saturday and to make it worse…in front of his friends. That really hurt him and it hurt me to think I was capable of hurting the one I love like that. Then there’s those everyday calls. Its not that I don’t want to talk to him, but I feel he’s always busy or doing something else. And I’m not used to just being on the phone and listening to my own breath. He told me before that he feels that every time he speaks with me, even if we don’t talk, its comforting to him. I guess I still haven’t gotten used to it as much. I usually tell him I’m gonna go or I’ll talk to you later. But we always do, its not like we don’t. But I guess, it hurts him (the little things). He was telling me yesterday how I talk to Ryan more than him (which I don’t). I was brushing that off too, but I guess he was trying to tell me something (the little things). I do act different sometimes when I talk to him, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him at all.
I care for this guy so much. He brings me happiness every time I know he’s someone I call my boyfriend, but I guess I’ve only brought him sadness these past weeks. It’s almost our one month and it has been a struggle to even get there. But right now…I really feel we’re not gonna get there. His choice and I don’t blame him. I’ve never experienced this before, this sort of argument. Maybe its because I was used to being the one complaining that you don’t call me or you don’t message me online, that now I’ve kind of been oblivious to my own actions towards my boyfriend. I know he knows I don’t mean to intentionally hurt him or make him cry just on purpose, or have an argument just for fun. I know he knows this, but maybe I should worry about my own actions instead. I never really thought that the littlest things that I do would affect my relationship with my boyfriend. It’s been real hard you know? Its like a roller coaster…up and down…but no matter how many turns it’s got, I still wanna stay on. I guess…I’m not that great of a boyfriend. The biggest things that I do to show him that I care don’t mean as much as the simple littlest things that I have failed to realize. Spontaneously driving up there, giving him drawings to show how much I love him, going to his performances, and meeting his family and friends don’t mean as much as the respect and consideration that I have failed to give him (the little things). I feel deeply sorry for what I’ve done and I know if I could turn back time I would change my actions that have led to today. Like I said, I’ve never experienced this before and I don’t really know how to handle this sort of thing, you must understand. I’m not trying to make an excuse, I’m just trying to help myself understand what’s happening between us..
He told me that every time we fight, it just makes our relationship stronger cause we learn more about ourselves and the other person. Well, he’s got one thing right, we’ve both learned something about each other and ourselves, but I’m not sure its making our relationship stronger. I feel like its tearing us apart and creating deep wounds. I love this man so much that I’ve jinxed it. I fucking jinxed it…I told myself that I would fuck up this relationship somehow and look at what’s happened. I was too worried about what I might do, that I wasn’t pay attention to the things that I was doing (the little things). Too caught up…too damn stupid. Four days from now will be our anniversary…sigh. Its not looking too bright. From the start I told him, I felt like I don’t deserve him. I felt that other guys could give him more than I could. The love and the affection a guy like him truly deserves. I mean…why did he pick me out of all the great guys out there. Now, I feel that’s more true tonight…that I don’t deserve him. All I can say is I’m real sorry and I wish that he could find it in his heart to understand where I’m coming from.
Even though I’m breaking your heart into pieces, babe let me try and put it back together. All I can promise you now is that I’ll try and make it all better and to become more considerate and respectful to your feelings. To be more aware of what I do and say. I’ll try my hardest to make you smile more and to give you the love that you truly and rightfully deserve. And to assure you that you and I were meant to be. My heart breaks like yours, but mine is shattering knowing I’ve hurt you so much. Sorry doesn’t describe what I truly feel, but I guess it will have to do for now. I thought you wanted riches, the world, or maybe true love from me, but it was simple, all you wanted was something simple and I’ve failed to give you that. The respect that you said I don’t give you. I realize now that the little things do matter and I’ll try my very best to make sure I give you that. Again, I’m really sorry, please forgive me and give me another chance. | | |
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