i figured it'd be okay to update since so many people do myspace instead of xanga nowadays. my life is pretty much uneventful. summer is here and i couldn't have been happier for school to end. i only made one B and the rest were A's. yea! so proud! work is eh... well i'm coaching team now. i thought it was cool, that i finally deserved it right? actually, we had some people quit and they just needed me. ughhh! i'm bein used. well kinda. i love it. well most of it. ummm... gymnastics is so painful. my body is going to snap in half. but i'm staying in as long as i love it i think. and that's about all that's going on. oh well! and i can't stop thinking about "him" which sucks...

i hate how i wake up in the morning thinking about him. i hate eating breakfast wanting to call him and come eat with me. i hate shopping wondering what it would be like spending more time with him. i hate working knowing that i can't spend this time with him. i hate working out wishing he could be my workout partner. i hate taking naps knowing i wont wake up to see his face. i hate hugging people just wishing it could have been him. i hate looking at my hands and not seeing his interlocked with mine. i see his face just before i close my eyes. i hate how i can't stop thinking about him. i pray for him that he is happy, with or without me. i hate that i can't have him. i hate that he flirts with me yet wants nothing more. i hate that i love him so much. i think worst of all i hate it that he has no idea and yet probably never will ::sigh::

why do i want what i can't have? why do i waste my time on such petty little things? why do i care the most about the ones who care the least about me? why do i overanalyze everything? why can't i ever seem to get what i want? why does it seem as if i'm never happy? nothing i ever do seems to be good enough. why do i strive so hard for perfection knowing that being perfect is unattainable? bleh... frustration, confusion, helplessness, i'm not happy yet how can i be  so content???

okay my turn. so i have a funny story... some of you already know what it is... and if you do know, don't say any names because i want to keep all of this anonymous hahaha. okay, so i wrote someone a note and asked "him" to be my valentine. it was real childish and he could either circle yes or no and return it to where i might find it. (i'm still laughing.) but it was returned today with "yes" circled and it makes me laugh. but onto other things. school started yesterday. philosophy should be interesting. study skills should be a breeze, except she wasn't fond of me when she found out i couldn't speak any more languages. pppssshhhhhaaaaaaaaawwwww... i will forget about that. i don't know what the eff i'm supposed to do for my ethics class. and i'm thinking chemistry should be a tough course, but hopefully i will manage. hmmm... and now with my emotions/thoughts. my gymnastics is going alright except for all the pain. i feel like i'm dying. i don't think there's anything that doesn't hurt. lol. and i've lost site of my long term goal. could i even really make it to college? i mean, i'm only doing level 8 now and there are elites out there competing for colleges. so doesn't that mean i don't have a chance? i've been praying and reading my bible. i know soon i will come to an epiphany and life will be good again. i just hope it comes sooner than later. okay, i have this ginormous crush on this guy... i shall call him anonymous, and that shall be his code name. no, i don't really like that. how bout guildenstein....? yeah, that's better. (who reads this anyway? it's not like i get a lot of comments or anything) but anyhow... there's no irony with the name if anyone was wondering. but see i know guildenstein is not the one for me. i know he doesn't like me. he's immature. so why do i feel anything for him? why can't i just forget about him? maybe it's more of the, i like him cause the chase. but it'd all be worthless? ahhh... and then there's this other guy. his code name can be maximilian. let's see here. we don't "like" him i guess you could say. but in another lifetime, i might have loved and had been in love with him. and now? we never talk. we don't IM. we don't email. there's nothing between us. i NEVER see him. so, it's like there's no kind of existence between us. but why do i feel so connected still. why do i still care so effin much about him? things have changed. we bolth have changed. times are different. we are no longer one. there's absolutely nothing. i just want to forget and kinda move on. i feel like something's still not finished. mmmmerrrrr.... i hate it! i wish it'd all just go away. oh, i wanna talk about gymnastics again. congratulations to my girls: kristin, o, karlee, chilo, and taylor. ya'll did a fantastic domination magic trick last weekend. and you rocked my socks. and i'm proud of you. so keep up the good work. let us continue to pray, work hard, and do our best. and vic will be competing against me. rather exciting don't you think? me her and taylor at level 8 this coming weekend? whoa! yeah, i'm excited! more competition ahhhh! i love her. i'm sure we'll have fun :) okay, time to do homework now. if you've read any of this comment me cause you must have been extremely bored and if you're that bored to read this whole thing, you can comment me too. okay adios amigos (maybe i do speak two languages) no, but seriously, i told her i took spanish in high school, and then everyone laughed at me. ::sigh:: and life goes on

and i made a girl about cry tonight. i asked her if she thought i was scary and she said yeah.... hahahahaha