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mjttbangelsb
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read my profile
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Birthday: 4/1/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: eating, dancing, movement, watching movies over and over, watching dawson's creek, hanging out with people, cigar talks, tj, hugging
Expertise: flailing
Message: message me
AIM:  bsbangel41
Member Since:
12/16/2002
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| I am rediscovering this xanga. I think I will use it to tell stories of my life that no one really reads. That or I'm lazy and bored and sometimes need a random quick outlet. And it's kind of like coming full circle. I want to read my senior year xanga entries, laugh at how emo I could get, laugh at stupid shit I did, and then write in this a few times a year and see if I can still remember/follow my 21-year old trains of thought when I'm 30. | | |
| Oh, life. (before I start this entry, I'd just like to say : Sohn, every one of your entries make me so happy.)
Second, I'd like to apologize to those of my friends who read this whom I suck at keeping touch with. I promise there will be at least one phone call before the next time I see you.
In all honesty, though, I've never really felt like my friendships suffered just because we didn't stay in constant contact. I'm comfortable in them. In you. (in a totally nonsexual way)
Anyways, since I have been bad at keeping in touch (and not just with people from home, but just like... in general), I figured I'd bring this xanga back to life for anyone who may care or is just bored and wants to read a long entry.
I recently had this thought. I realized that our lives are so tailored to us because there is a lot of "what if..." but seriously, and Sohn you said something like this that I think is really fitting, our lives are the way they are. There are highs and lows, and all that stuff, but we shape them with our experiences, our choices, and the people around us. That being said, I realized how different my life would've been if I didn't come to WashU... and I'm not saying it would've sucked... but I would be different from the way I am now... and frankly, I'm really content with my life. I mean, I keep like 9 real friends from home, but I wouldn't have it any other way, b/c those friendships are priceless. And here, I have the same thing going - friends that are real. And in addition, I'm starting to get that hang of my classes, the stress doesn't get to me as much, and I just love what I'm doing here.
This year, I'm a Resident Advisor. And I love it. I mean, yes it's a position of authority, but I really love my floor. A lot of my residents are people that if I wasn't thinking of myself also as their RA, I'd simply think of us as friends. And the mutual respect makes my job really easy... they don't really ever put me in the position to have to "discipline" them, and if I ever do have to have one of those talks with them, there aren't hard feelings afterwards. I haven't found it hugely difficult to balance time - I mean, I have work to do now, so I'm not always here anymore, but I think they still know that they can come find me - and I haven't found it difficult to balance just the rules and being the friend/RA.
Also, and here's a real shocker, because no one was prepared for this. I joined CREW (the rowing team).
I'm enrolled in this "Rowing for Fitness" class here, as an easy 1 credit PE course, and the instructor is the crew coach... and in my first 2-3 classes, he recruited me... something about how I have powerful looking legs (aka thunder thighs... but I love my thighs... that's a different paragraph though). I remember in high school, I wanted to try out rowing, because it sounded fun and interesting, but our school had no team, and I couldn't swim. And both are kind of important to be able to row. Freshman year, I went to the informational session, but by then, I'd already signed up for rugby (which I started skimping out on weeks later), so I just hadn't thought about it since then. But as I never stopped thinking it seemed fun and interesting, and part of me wanted to find another something to do that suited me, I thought - why not give it a try and see how it goes? It was really important for me to make sure that I very honestly assessed my interest and stuff as time went on though... just because with my 6 academic classes and being a first-year RA, and valuing my social life, it's a tough squeeze.
So I joined the team... thinking of it as a like... 2-month long test run... (b/c the fall season ends in early November). It's been 6 weeks, and I love it. That's how I know I'm in this for the long run: The fact that I'm still dedicated (I know myself well enough to know that the novelty of a new activity has worn off and if I were going to quit, I'd do it by now), I still haven't had a day where I was like, "crap, I really don't want to go," I don't wait for it to be over, I strive and work to get better, and I just really enjoy it.
And if you question what my being "dedicated" means, let me give you a little some information about how it works here...
We meet for practice Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, at 5AM. We meet Saturday at 7AM. 5am practices usually get back by 8:30, and Saturdays we're usually back by 10:30. We have races a lot of weekends, which involves travelling, derig/rerig-ing, sleeping on floors, not getting much work done. We do second workouts on the ergometers (rowing machines) as often as possible to get stronger and faster, as well as non-rowing workouts to get our strength and endurance up.
If you know me, you know I've always been a night owl, and am typically not a morning person. Thus, if I were going to quit, it would've happened weeks ago.
This week, they seat raced me for a spot in the Varsity A boat... I really wasn't expecting that, and I kind of sucked, but it gave me more goals. (I already have a few). And while I feel defeated b/c I should've done a lot better, I also want plan to keep working at it. This week, I know there were a lot of factors leading to my defeated feeling... in all honesty, I know I was capable of more... I mean, not that I would have won, but it should've been closer... but I could feel myself having shitty rows...
Because, segue:
The stress of classes is starting to finally pick up for real --> which means less sleep (by a lot), and just general fatigue (which, when added to the workouts, is pretty intense some of the time).
But I just gotta get my work done, and I know I'll be fine. Stop. Procrastinating.
Which means stop writing this. I figured this kind of keeps people up to date with what's consumed my time lately.
This is my first weekend home in 3 weeks.
Now, I have to utilize my freetime to study for exams. Sweet.
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| Yesel tagged me.So the other night, reading my "subscription digest"... and I saw that Yesel tagged me, and reminded myself to do that tonight... except that... Yesel, your post is not there anymore?
But I think it was something like the 10 things that make you happiest and then you tag 10 people to do the same...
This is a tough list to narrow down... I think I'm pretty easy to please... and I'm generally a really content person... with periods of extreme happiness.
1. Getting to relax for real, no matter how lazy it may make me feel. Oh, and not feeling guilty about it.
2. Introspective, self-reflecting moments and conversations.
3. All the different relationships/interactions I have with my friends. What's nice is that it's like there's this consistent, common base to all of my friendships, and yet they can all be so different, or even so alike. But whatever we're doing, wherever we're doing it, whenever we're doing it, or however long we're doing it for, I cherish it all.
4. Settling into a peaceful place with myself and my life. Not having to force things, and just letting them happen. You know, as it turns, when you don't push things too much, you end up relatively drama-free and things fall into the places they're supposed to be in, and you just end up with great... well, experiences, relationships, memories, etc.
5. Getting a challenging project at work that really pushes me to learn stuff and still finish it with a deadline. It's so much more fun to go in everyday. And I find that I don't get bored at all in my 9 hour workday.
6. Thinking about the year ahead.
7. Beyond excited and overzealous about RA-ing and moving in.
8. Spijjy.
9. The times when I can have real conversations with my parents.
10. Realizing how long it's been since the last time I let an insecurity consume me. I feel so much more myself now. And with that, I feel so comfortable with myself.
I don't know who reads this, and I can't retag my Yesel, so I will tag...
dschultz, GlazedExpression, StLouisPenguin, AEW176, AEL54, djpacman, (4 more.. who even writes in this thing anymore?), take_it_eeZy, foreverfleetingsmile, dancin4eveh, tlredux
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| I had this thought just now:
I love my friends.
That is all, goodnight. | | |
| So I'm online looking at my buddy list... and there are so many of these people I don't even talk to. I'm not much for being online lately anyways, but even then, I talk to some, some I don't talk to at all, and then there are the ones who I think it's possible I keep on my buddy list just so I can read their profiles when I'm bored and they happen to be online. Sometimes I wonder, about these people, what our conversation would sound like if I actually said "hello" again for the first time in probably years. I'm sure it wouldn't go very far... but what if it did? I feel like I can think of a few times when conversations I started for the sake of doing it turned into remembering a friendship or even rekindling one.
I'm really just stalling right now to study. I have a to-do list for the night, and I want to accomplish it this time.
I really like journaling, but I've grown weary of the process of thinking my thoughts and then thinking them again to put them on paper.
And Xanga, I realize, is no longer what it once was. I mean, in a way, it never really has been. I have a tracker on my xanga... it lets me see who reads mine (yes, I am admitting this to you), and I realized there are people who read this whom I've never heard of... I mean, here's my opinion, if you're going to read my xanga, if you're my friend, then cool. Otherwise, tell me who you are, and why you're reading my xanga. I mean, it's really not that interesting, so what brought you here of all places?
I don't think I was ever going anywhere with this entry... which is why I'm going to end it now.
I'm feeling... complacent... calm... kind of bored... but plenty of stuff to do... so I guess, happily procrastinating. | | |
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