Oh for crying out loud Modi, sort yourself out, you have an exam tomorrow. No wait. 2 exams and a 10 page paper due and you're procrastinating on this blog. Again. Story of your life.

I know that when I start referring to myself in third person, I've had too much caffeine, am emotionally drained because I've been over-anaylsing too much or thinking too much about issues that have no answers, am a little bit, or a lot stressed out, or in my current situation, all of the above.

So regrettably, this thing I'm doing is coming to an end. Semi-end, since I'm not going home yet. (Thank God) It's a funny feeling. No, correction. It feels like complete arse. The only consolation I have is using that whole "better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all" and modifying it to "better to have made these friends and done all these things and miss them like crazy than to not have met them and have no one to miss". Makes sense to me. The love one doesn't. I would rather not have loved at all.

So, it appears that I'm very good at avoiding things that I do not want to deal with. Leaving. In my attempt to elongate (in my mind) my experience here, I chose to not read a calendar. So today when I was saying goodbye to Spew, I came to the realisation that I am scheduled to leave next week. But since I am so good at denying things that I do not want to confront, I also realised I have no flight, no bus, no accomodation for my next leg of the trip. Good organisation skills coupled with good skills at dealing with life. I should be awarded for my efforts - or lack thereof.

I've been thinking about all the things I've done here, all the things I've done with these amazing people, all the experiences that I've shared with everyone. I can't say I'm glad because that would be a complete understatement. I think the scariest thing about leaving this place, aside from just seeing the people I see everyday is the feeling I get when I wake up every morning. Like a breath of fresh air. Like everything is an experience and not a routine. Wouldn't it be great if I could wake up every day feeling like this.

So, it kind of sounds like I'm having a bit of a sulk about leaving Texas since I am supposed to be going up to Montreal, New York, Peru, Argentina, Brazil, San Fran, LA, Vegas etc etc etc, which probably isn't too depressing to say the least. But I already know what is going to happen...it's happened every time I've gone anywhere and become attached. I will sit on the plane and as it ascends, I'll look down from my window seat and try to find where so and so lives. I won't see it and as the plane gets higher and higher, a dot on the ground is just as good as any other dot on the ground, at which point I will sob til the person next to me becomes increasingly uncomfortable at my retarded behaviour. And then I will continue to sob for no apparent reason until I'm too tired.

It should be noted that I never ever cry. I remember in the 10th grade when our drama class was watching Dead Poets Society and in the final scene when every student got up on the seat to thank Robin Williams, our entire drama class burst into tears whilst I sat in the middle of the room with a tissue in front of my face hiding my inability to show emotion.

It happens.

Things I do...frequently

Starbucks: It's part of the AmericaniZation. I'm in the process of trying everything on their Fall menu, Christmas menu and normal menu. I hate Starbucks in Australia. It doesn't taste any better here, but there's an element of novelty here.

Visa Status: I often think about how I can be an illegal immigrant.

Online Shopping: When you're in the US, shipping expenses don't cost more than the actual product. Hence, something that should definitely be exploited.

Tex-Mex: So, I never use to eat Mexican food because it's just nachos and hard tacos. Plus, it didnt help that the only thing I'd ever seen remotely Mexican was Taco Bell and they ran that article some time in the 7th grade about how Taco Bell was using rabbit mince or was it guinea pig mince. Anyway, so even though I still don't really know the difference between a Fajita, Burrito, Enchilada and a Taco it doesn't really matter cos its tastes awesome. I eat it every 2nd day, if not everyday.

Facebook Stalk: There's more people to stalk. Simple. Plus, this is real stalking. Not like in Sydney where everyone knows every second person. (oh don't pretend you don't do it)

Age: I think I'm younger than I am. I just went to Disneyworld last week and had an amazing time. I bought Mickey Mouse feet from the merchandise store. They were overpriced, but I was ecstatic. Eating at fast food chains excite me. This has not happened since I was obsessed with Maccas when I was 7.

Alcohol: um. I drink it. A lot.

Sydney: Thinking about this leads to freak outs. But I do it to psych myself out.

It 9pm. I in Austin and it Halloween. Ie just stuffed my face with a bunch of M&Ms, tootsie rolls and peanut butter reeses but that nothing new. I suppose to be getting dressed, or packing for my 6am flight to Florida tomorrow morning, but once again, procrastination has gotten the better of me and what the hell, Il give this thing some lovin?since it been left untouched for so long, it almost a novelty to revisit it.

I don even know what to say. I know it only October but 2007 is going to be one of those years in my life that Il look back on when I 65 year old and review all the other events in my life as either pre or post 2007.

For the most part, I can only say that 2007 has been an absolute train wreck. The first 6 months took about 3 years to live through and I can believe I came out of it breathing. It probably the reason why I left Sydney with virtually no expectations because I was too skeptical, too afraid of sinking in a pool of disappointment and then end up struggling for air. But the amazing thing about being in this town and being at this college is that it has completely surpassed any expectation I could have possibly envisaged for myself. It not even just about getting boozed every night, or going to these crazy parties and doing things Ie never done in my life. To be honest, I don know what it is.  All I know is that I wake up every morning and instead of wallowing in self-pity and lying in bed being bitter about the world (Sydney does that to you sometimes), I just plain happy. Nothing else but happy. I do, on the odd occasion feel like I running on bought time and that this happiness is short lived and won last that long. This then makes me feel physically nauseous, but aside from those days, I generally just really glad to be here. I think if I tried to really analyse it, it the people Ie met here who have become such integral parts of my life that made this experience so emotionally stimulating. It makes me ill to think I can stumble up the street and see their faces or sit around in Starbucks and do nothing but sit and be perfectly comfortable, just sitting. (Yes, I realise this doesn sound entertaining at all, but that the whole point!) I know that when I leave, Il have left my heart here and Il probably come back chasing for it. But for now, I enjoying just living. I don think Ie ever done that before ?it always been about doing something really distasteful for the benefit of the future. But just living like it like that.   

I am in deep deep procrastination mode. Xanga. who still even goes on this?

Hindsight.

Everything is ALWAYS better in hindsight. Much easier, much simpler, much less complicated.

Sometimes I tell people my old work was good ?at times even interesting. Sometimes I tell myself, it wasn THAT bad and that even if I were to go back it wouldn be the end of the world. Then I flip to my 2004 diary and written down in capital captions are the words, f you ever come back to read this, know that the feeling you have right now is that the prospect of killing yourself is by FAR better than going to work everyday.?I then know that hindsight has again, blurred my critical sense of judgment.

When youe with someone you laugh about the hase phase?being the most pleasurable, most flirtatious, most interesting phase of your entire relationship before shit hits the fans blablabla. In reality ?no! It is not exactly pleasurable thinking and deliberating everyday about do they like me, do they like me not, am I too this, too that, not enough this, not enough that. The point being, it a big pain in the butt. The same goes for breakups. h I got over it in like 5 minutes??no you didn ?who are you trying to kid? I was on the phone with you for at least 3 months before you stopped mentioning their name.

And the one I hear the most ?High school was the best time of my life. I don remember a single person telling me this in high school. Most of the time ? hate school, OMG I have double Maths with Mrs. _____ and I haven read the book all term, I will die during the HSC, my parents will die during my HSC, I wish I was back in preschool.?/EM>

Hindsight. Gets me into trouble all the time.

Lovely Sydney Nights...