HI!

Thought I would check in...my sweet daughter and friends have been telling you some pretty scary things...And they are right, they were scary.  Much more so than I first thought them to be. 

I was on the computer talking with Ritalan when it started.  It first started in my back then my arms then my mouth...that was the surprise. My mouth felt like someone was trying to pull it out of my face.  Of course by this time I knew I was having a heart attack but as Bobby was supposed to register for his surgery the next day I didn't want him setting up all night in the hospital with me so I just didn't tell anyone and went to bed.  The next day on the way to taking him to go preregister for his surgery I had him drop me off at Arlington Memorial to have a couple of things "checked out".  When I got into ER they were not about to let me go.  They rushed me to CCU and called my Doctor.  Of course they had already started the blood work and the EKG and the chest X-Ray.  I called Bobby and the doctor told him I was having a heart attack but it was ok for him to tell him that then since Bobby was already at the other hospital preregistering.  After he got through he came to where I was.  His surgery was scheduled for the 7th. of May.  I think this was the 6th of May, I'm not sure anymore.  I told the doctors I would not do surgery until his surgery was complete the next day so they waited until the 8th to do mine.  It turned out to be a triple bypass.  The stint and the first bypass I had in 98 and 2001 had collapsed along with two other arteries.  I came through the surgery with flying colors and made it off the aspirator in even less time than I set the record at Methodist.  The prior record at Methodist was 4 hours 40 min.  I came off in 4 hours...this time I made them take that thing out of my throat in 2 hours.  Everything went well at first then I had a weird reaction to some of the pain medicine and started having hallucinations.  I thought they had put me in an old house in a storage room and no one would come when I pushed the button.  I fought everything and everyone that came near me.  That went on for two days while they tried adjusting everything but nothing worked...they had to take me completely off of any kind of pain medication for 48 hours. It is a good thing no one told me that I was mad enough about being in the storage room.

Of course once I got back on some sort of pain meds, even very very mild ones, I was up to my old shennagains again.  So much so that to keep me in bed one of the nurses went out and bought a special speaker monitor.  When I would get out of bed it would very loudly say, "Get back in bed Mrs. G.  We don't want you to fall.  Get back into bed now!"  Then it would start with bells and whistles like a car alarm you could hear all over the floor. 

Two weeks later I was good to go to the rehab hospital.  I was there two days when for some reason my blood pressure started dropping and they couldn't stop it.  I was rushed back to AMH and kept in the ER room for about 4 hours while they worked with me.  Me still not knowing what was wrong.  Kevin the director of the night nurses came down to see me while I was in ER and told me he had kicked me out of that hospital and why was I trying to come back (I have known Kevin since he was 6 years old).  They didn't have a room for me so it was back into the ambulance and back to the rehab hospital.  Everything after that went fine.  I was in rehab a week and came home. 

The most difficult part now is keeping up with which medications I am to take when.  I took a tall kitchen trash bag of medication to the doctors office and asked him to help me straighten out the dosages.  I think we have most of them right now.  At any rate, I feel ok and nothing weird is going on with my heart.  So, once again, I have to tell you what an awesome God we have and that he is permitting me to live under his wing.  Just call me Timex.

Love, Mom

I've been here several times... No, I'm not Karen, the owner of this blog... She's been in hospital for a week, having a heart surgery... Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

There're times that I wish I were an American, or I lived in America. I could take care of my American Mom... like I take care of my mother when she's in hospital. Sorry, Mom... I couldn't be there.

080229 Job is my hero

The other day I sat down and read the entire book of Job.  Poor Job, he lost everything: his family, his servants, his property even his health and yet even provoked he would not deny God’s heavenly love.

Now I don’t know why God let Satan put Job through all he went through maybe it is so people that feel they are completely out of control can realize that He is in control.  God restored all he had taken from Job and more.  Does that mean all will be restored to us…I don’t think so, not in this lifetime.  God parted the Red Sea for the Israelites but I haven’t heard of His parting a creek as of late.  Perhaps the days of that sort of thing are past.  Perhaps through all these miracles and the miracle of Jesus Christ’s resurrection He feels he has proved himself sufficiently for us to believe, forever.  And I think I believe, I just don’t understand.  Paul said that in this life we “see through a mirror darkly” but in the hereafter all will become clear.  So it is that if we keep the faith in HIM we will someday see the reason for all things.  I’m sorry, I am only human, and I don’t want to wait.

The mortgage, the pending surgery and the missed work, the old dog not eating, my not being able to work, Social Security turning me down again, walking the tightrope to avoid another “event” like the one in January, is scary. What little money I could bring in is in jeopardy because it seems the guy I set appointments for has enough income that he doesn’t really need them plus he is having family problems of his own.   Bobby doesn’t need to hear my wailing about all of this and there is no one else.  I am falling into a very bad habit of resenting people that have enough money to pay their bills and take care of their household and family.  I know that is wrong. “Thou shalt not covet” (covet – synonyms – desire, long for, crave, grudge, want, envy, wish, inordinately desire;  and my definition – to want what someone else has even at the price of their losing it) But wrong or not I find myself falling into that pit.

I am sure there are many people in this world with even bigger burdens than my own...and yet I can’t see beyond myself, Bobby, and Chewy.  Chewy, Ha!  He is just a dog.  But he has been my constant companion for 15 years and now he needs me and I can’t help him.  Maybe he is not eating because a tooth is hurting but I can’t take him to the vet to find out or have it fixed.  And even if I suddenly found $500.00 it needs to go to the mortgage or to the hospital as co-pay for Bobby’s surgery.  I talked to my son and he said something to the effect that Chewy is just a dog.  I reminded him that I have had Chewy as long as I had him (he left home at 17).  And it is not just Chewy, it is all of it.  Chewy is just the obvious physical reminder of where I have failed my family.  That is what hurts the most.

I question myself, “Am I just “goldbricking”?  Could I do more than what I am doing?  Do I just enjoy being lazy and staying at home?  Would work really kill me, obviously Social Security doesn’t think so.

If in that envelope that I got from Social Security had been a positive letter, and a check for my back benefits all would be well...not all would be well, I would still be watching my health and Bobby’s health but that’s life.  If there were no rain we would not appreciate the sun and there would not be flowers (sappy thought isn’t it) but in all honesty adversity builds strength in the body, the mind and the soul.  What is it?  “No Pain; No Gain”?  At least then I could take some of the burden off my poor husband, make sure there was nothing more that I could do for my faithful companion, get the things I need for the house…little things like fix broken blinds, or repair the washer that leaks, or have someone come and mow the yard since I don’t think it would be good for Bobby to try it right now, even just tighten the clothes lines so they won’t sag.  I promise I don’t want much.  But “If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, and if turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side”.

Dear Lord, I am weakening.  I believe, help me in my unbelief.

~mom

080228  Just a note

Tonight’s entry will be short just to catch everyone up on what is going on.  Three days ago Bobby found out that he had to see his primary care doctor for a release to have the surgery.  I called and made an appointment.  We  thought it only a form needed.  But as it turns out the Doctor, in good conscience, said he couldn’t give the go ahead without a stress test and a couple of other tests.  The other tests are really no problem…but for the stress test he must see a specialist which generally means two to three weeks to get an appointment.  His surgery was originally scheduled for next Monday but now everything is moved back till ????...  I will try to keep all informed.

I got another letter from the Social Security about a week ago saying they needed more information from one of my doctors.  I called my attorney advocate and she told me that it had already been sent.  Okay….so I call Social Security and asked them about it and my social security lady said, “I am not supposed to talk to you,”  Why? “Because you have legal representation I am only supposed to talk to them”..  Ok so why did they waste the stamp and paper to send ME a letter telling me my Social Security representative’s name and phone number.  But she did tell me that the information requested had passed in the mail and they had what they needed.  Anyway, I got another letter today saying they have rejected me again.  I am beginning to think it is hopeless.  Five doctors say I shouldn’t work…but obviously in their own words, Social Security can’t find bi-pass surgery, heart attack, three strokes, cryptic cirrhosis of the liver (stage 4), COPD, and CHF (congestive heart failure) debilitating enough to keep me from working.  I have documented all af this to them…so what is the deal?  Oh well now they tell me I have to go to court and see if I can convince a judge.

Chewy my old chow dog is still hanging in there although he hasn’t eaten in two days.  We have gone from dog food, to hamburger, to liver, to smoked sausage.  He ate some of each change for one night apiece.  I don’t know what we are going to try tonight…but honestly he doesn’t seem to be unhappy or fall into any of the categories that vets use to recommend euthaniza.  Yesterday he wanted out while I was napping so he pushed out the front window.  That really doesn’t sound like he is getting weak.

Basically, I’m tired.  I think I will do the dishes and go to bed.  See you guys soon, I hope. ~ mom

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It's almost a month that this blog has not been updated. Karen (mommachatter) has been having troubles with her old computer and xanga. I'm not Karen... maybe you have heard of me from her... I'm her non-American daughter. I met Mom on xanga when I was very sick years ago. I have learnt the amazing power of xanga... that it holds people together, different people in different places... let them send love, support, hope, hugs... to one another.

It doesn't matter that you don't know me. And... don't worry, I don't go to Mom's subs or protected pages, which I should not go to... I'm here just for one reason. Mom and her husband, Bobby, need prayers and support. And her dog Chewy too...

Please say a prayer for them, thank you.