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mountain_of_faith
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Name: Mollie
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Expertise: The Gift of Gab, folks. Oh, and I can do computer stuff, play the flute, anything in speech and debate but TD, and make you feel better about life and yourself.
Occupation: Student, catering server, make
Industry: I's gonna be a teacher!
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/3/2005
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| This is both an update type note and a ramblings type note, so no
matter your preference you're sure to find it here.  Yay for
variety. First of all I just wanted to make sure anyone who was curious
knew what I'm up to these days and what my immediate plans are...
I'm now a junior, and I loved my year at Sterling College. Definitely
going back next year, especially as God seems to be blessing me
financially lately. I made a lot of good friends there; people I can
laugh with, people I can study with, people I can cry with, people I
can talk with, people I can just sit and enjoy life with. You know who
you are, and I love you all. (-: Thanks for being a part of God's plan
to make Sterling a great experience for me.
I'm still doing Elementary Education, and I'm going to try to minor or
get endorsed or something in theater, but that would require me staying
longer so we'll see how that goes. I don't mind staying in school
longer, I just don't like gathering up debts. Most likely I'll stay an
extra semester or year, is my guess.
I'm working at a dude ranch this summer; Rainbow Trout Ranch in
Colorado. I leave May 11th, which is a few short days away! I'm very
excited though. Mountains, people, horses, dancing, life will be great.
Lots of hard work, but that's never really scared me. (-: I will have
internet access while I'm there, but no cell phone service. Which
brings me to another topic...
I finally have my phone back after breaking it near Easter. However,
he's still having some issues, such as randomly not accepting texts,
not downloading pix messages, and most importantly not making outgoing
calls. The rocker button that controls volume is also messed up which
may mean I'm sending him back to be fixed correctly. Oh, and meanwhile
I lose all contact info. So basically... I love hearing from my
friends, either via text or calling, and you /may/ be able to actually
contact me. If I don't reply or pick up don't take it personal, I
probably just didn't get it at all. Facebook's the safest bet if you
need to get ahold of me (-: But hopefully soon things will be normal.
At least by Sept. 5th when I venture back down from the mountains, you
should be able to reach me. And pretty soon here I'm going to be asking
for all of your numbers because I lost almost all of them.
What other updates... I'm doing really well right now; I was super
stressed a week ago because of a lot of stuff going on (including
finals and packing) but I'm much better now. I stay in contact with my
college buddies which makes me quite happy. Okay so that's it for
updates. (-: Oh, except I turn 20 June 7th and have barely over a month
to relish my teenhood. Ack.
~
Thoughts and such. (-:
I was thinking today of all the promises I've made to God and plans
I've made to spend time with Him and times I've submitted to His will,
and how many of those promises I've broken, times I got too lazy to
spend time with Him, and times I went my own wayward direction. Isn't
it crazy that He still gives his ALL for me and doesn't hold back any
of His love even though He knows I'll break His heart again? Face it my
friends, we're all heartbreakers. Whether we've rejected Him all along
or follow Him devoutly only to betray Him, can you just imagine how
much it must hurt to be God? Seriously. We're His /kids/. He DIED for
our pitiful souls. He is absolutely perfect in all His interaction with
us and never does us wrong. Yet we do Him wrong all the time. And
still, He loves us with abandon, lavishly, abundantly, passionately,
tenderly. How is that even possible?
What really got me about all that is how /I/ react to stuff like that.
I mean, no one likes getting hurt. No one likes having promises to them
broken or plans that go astray or respect and admiration turning to
disdain and anger. Those things are always going to happen, though,
just because we're dealing with humans. I know for sure that I've hurt
people in many ways, just by being my own stupid self. Everyone has
been hurt, betrayed, /something/. Yet how do we react? If you're like
me, you find yourself shrinking back a little sometimes when something
sounds familiar and last time turned out badly. You have moments of
insecurity and fear in a friendship; what if you get hurt again?
Well, what if you DO get hurt again? I've noticed a lot of irrational
fears come from not answering the what if's of life, so lets look at
this one. I mean, here I am, at times shrinking back from people who
are probably as sincere and kind as they come, because suddenly I'm
afraid of being left behind or that their kindness might be false or
that they'll like me today but tomorrow they'll grow bored of me. In
fact, you know what's the worst part? Sometimes I shrink back from love
because I'm afraid of /not/ being loved. I'm afraid of love lost or
love witheld or love forgotten or love imperfect. It seems logical to
tread carefully and not put your heart into something until you know it
won't hurt you, or at least not too much. It's ridiculous to say
otherwise.
Yet is that the example God shows us? To love cautiously, to love in
incriments and only as rewarded appropriately, to love in balance with
those we are loving? I mean, maybe it's a COMPLETELY separate deal
because He's God and we're not, but still, just think about it. He
loves us completely and wholly and without reservation. Because He
believes we won't hurt Him? Don't insult His intelligence. Because we
have so much to offer back? Please. The example He gives us is
fearless. And He gets hurt for it, oh so many times, over and over. I
know because I am the one that does it. Every time He knits our hearts
together and we delight in the wonder of our relationship, I tear us
back apart. Every time, no lie. And yet... and yet.
So I guess I'd just encourage all of you; don't be afraid of love, or
to love. And what am I talking about here? I'm talking about patience,
kindness, forbearance, giving of yourself (time, money, resources,
lending an ear to listen or a shoulder for crying or a hug for
comfort), forgiveness, thoughtfulness. Love with abandon, as Christ
gave His all for you. Love lavishly as God blesses immeasurably. Love
without fear, not because you carefully choose who to love but because
love casts out fear. Because God will always fill you back up. Because
it's okay to risk getting hurt, once more, even though you've been
through this before; God's been doing it since Adam and He still seems
to think that's the way to go.
Just love and be loved.
~
Another little rambling about fear. Fear has always been my biggest
struggle. What I fear most is being abandoned/left out/left behind, and
being insufficient. A lot of times those are tied together; I'm afraid
that I'll be left out because I'm not good enough, or that I'll be left
behind because I simply wasn't /enough/. I came to the realization the
other day that no type of person or group of people could get rid of
that fear. No matter what stereotype someone falls into or what circle
they walk in, I'll have an insecurity about it. I'm not athletic enough
to hang with the athletes; they'd think I'm overweight and slow and
clumbsy and lazy. I'm not conservative enough to hang with the hardcore
modest crowd; they'd think my clothes are too revealing and I'm too
expressive and too flirtateous. No way I'd fit with theater people
though; too shy, too soft spoken, too conservative of standards for the
stage, not outgoing enough. The popular people aren't even a question;
I'm not busy enough, not trendy enough, don't look right, don't act
right. Nerds intimidate me too; I'd never be smart enough to keep up
and they'd get bored of me in time. I'm sure there's more groups and
you can bet I have a nice set of insecurities laid aside just for them.
Of course it's all somewhat ridiculous; deep down I'm a confident
person and I like who I am and how I look and what I'm like. I measure
up to my own standards [most of the time...] and I know I measure up to
God's, but I keep having a fear that I won't measure up to other
peoples'. Soon enough they'll discover the real me, and that'll be the
end of that! :: smile :: Truth is, no one ever fits perfectly. The best
athlete will miss a shot, the most modest person alive will have a
moment of vanity, popular people will make a faux paux, the nerdiest
nerd will have a brain freeze. Really, it's not about all that. No
matter what group you hang out with, there will be people that look
down on you and shun you and yes, abandon you and say you're
insufficient. At the same time, every group of people has individuals
that will love you exactly how you are even when you aren't charming or
witty or winning a game or at a high point in your spiritual walk.
I've always known it's silly to compare myself to a social standard and
lament my insufficiencies, but it's becoming ever clearer to me why
that is. It's because, as they say... those who mind dont' matter, and
those who matter won't mind. Those who matter know that the standard
you should be measuring up to is just being the beautiful soul God
created you to be, complete with struggles and mishaps along the way.
No one could ever be as you as you are. You're unlike anyone that has
ever walked the earth, and that's all you need to be.
The trick is in simply finding those who love you for you. Those are the ones worth holding on to.
~
I definitely had several other things I wanted to get down on paper...
er, cyberspace, and I've been waiting for the magical moment when all
those thoughts are present in my mind all at once so I could write this
note. Of course that never happened and I decided to just do the best I
could and if I think of more I'll add those later. Until such a
time...if you read the entirety of that ridiculous long note,
congratulations you probably have no life. That or you just really love
me. Quite possibly both. However, if it's the former and you have no
life and you need something to occupy your time... go play the Crimson
Room. It's awesome. And difficult. It's okay to ask for help. I did. A
lot. Um, a ton. But it's really fun and you should play it. Then go on
to the Viridian Room and the White Chamber if you really want to see
your hours get sucked away into nothingness. It's good stuff.
Goodnight all! I love you all. Yes, I really mean that. | | |
| 1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who are you with? My true love
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal? A deer. Or a horse like the one I petted today.
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal? I stroke its head gently and it snuffles my hair.
4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. How big is it? Mediumsmallish. Like maybe two bedrooms, a reasonable kitchen, and a living room.
5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence? No...
6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table, what is on it? Two candles (white, on metal stands), a small centerpiece, and a neutral colored tablecloth.
7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it? A coffee mug. With a commemerative or souvenier type logo not a corny one.
8. What do you do with the cup? Pick it up to see if there's anything inside, then leave it there since I'm exiting the house and don't want to lose it.
9. You walk to the edge of the property and you find yourself standing at a body of water: what is it? A lake! Smooth and blue and medium sized. With cattails and northern pike. 10. How will you cross the water? I'll paddle my little wooden canoe (indian style). After you copy and paste into a new entry, and answer ALL the questions above you can look down here. |
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V The ANSWERS 1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you. My true love. It makes me laugh that my second choice was going to be my dog Samantha...
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life. Um... it was a small horse? But I do feel like I have biggish problems sometimes.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. Try to understand them, make a connection, study them, delight in their beauty? Hrm... in a way, I guess.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems. Haha. Okay..
5.
A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are
welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed
personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced. Anybody's welcome 'cause I have no purpose if ot to be here for people.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy. Well, the centerpiece had flowers, if that helps... I just didn't expect to find people already there in my dream home since my true love is already with me! Same w/ the food.
7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship. With whom? But appearantly that mystrey relationship is pretty tough, just chips a little at times.
8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.
Inquisitive, want to know what's going on, try to not put things too much out of order when I mess w/ them, apperantly.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
Haha. Medium sized appearantly...
10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be. Romanticized, unique, picturesque, slow and steady. Okiday.
| | |
| (So, Miss Alyssa, I'm trying to [finally Sorry.] write you an e-mail but for some reason I can't find your e-mail address. Again. E-mail me please? I promise I'll save it in my contacts this time! Love you, sweetheart.) | | |
| This year...
[x] stayed single
[x] got kissed
[x] kissed someone new (I should probably qualify that one.. little kids and such.)
[ ] kissed in the snow
[ ] kissed in the rain
[ ] had my heart broken
[x] broke someone else's heart
[x] had a stalker (well, we call them my stalkers. Creepy-ish guys that follow me around.)
[x] lost a friend
[ ] had a amazing relationship with someone
[ ] are still in that amazing relationship
[ ] questioned my sexual orientation
[x] came out of my closet (No, true story. I was looking for something in the bottom of my closet and had to sit on a chair and reach over the arm to get it and I told my roomie I was going caving and would be back later. But I did come out. Then there was the time I got a pic of me in the closet, peeking out from behind my clothes. I came out of my closet then, too.)
[ ] got pregnant
[ ] had an abortion
[ ] got married
[ ] had a divorce
[x] met someone that I will never forget
[x] did something I regret
[x] lost faith in love for awhile
[ ] kissed under mistletoe
[ ] got a promotion
[ ] got a pay raise
[x] changed jobs
[ ] lost my job
[x] quit my job
[ ] dated a co-worker
[ ] dated my boss
[ ] dated my boss's son/ daughter
[ ] got fired from my job
[x] got straight A's
[ ] failed a class
[x] cut class
[x] skipped school
[x] did something I was proud of
[x] proved myself an idiot
[ ] embarrassed myself in front of the class
[ ] fell in love with a teacher
[x] was involved in something that I will never forget
[x] painted a picture
[ ] wrote a poem
[ ] ran a mile
[ ] listened to music I couldn't stand
[x] double dipped
[ ] skinny dipped
[x] went to a sleepover
[ ] went to camp
[x] threw a surprise party
[x] laughed till I cried
[ ] flirted shamelessly
[ ] visited a foreign country
[ ] visited a new state
[ ] cooked a disastrous meal
[x] lost something important to me
[x] gained something really important to me
[x] got a gift I love
[x] realized something new about myself
[ ] tried to gain weight
[ ] dyed my hair
[ ] came close to losing my life
[ ] someone close to me died
[ ] went to a wild party
[x] read a great book
[x] saw a great movie
[ ] saw a movie so scary that it made me cry
[ ] saw a favorite band live
[x] did something that I want to tell everyone
[x] experienced something new
[x] made new friends
[x] found out who your real friends are
[ ] lied to your parents
[x] sneaked out (sneaking by roomie, not parents, don't worry)
[ ] kissed in a pool
[ ] kissed under the stars
[ ] did an illegal drug
[x] went to a party
[x] had the time of your life
[x] danced
[ ] fell head over heels in love with someone
[ ] fell out of love
[x] had a crush on someone
[ ] changed your sexual preference
[x] swam in a pool
[x] made a snowman
[ ] went snowboarding
[ ] went sledding
[x] slept in past 2 pm (Hey, I had a 102 degree fever, okay?)
[x] held someone's hand
[x] held someone's hand that you care about
[ ] told someone you like them as more than a friend
[x] gone on vacation
[x] gone on vacation with a friend
[x] driven a car
[ ] played poker
[x] danced in the rain
[ ] seen someone get in a car accident
[ ] got in a fist fight
[x] laughed until you couldn't breathe
[x] had an amazing year
[x] missed someone
[ ] got hit by car
[ ] sent someone to the hospital
[x] got a new pet
[x] enjoyed this year overall
| | |
| So, this is for Alyssa. I just wanted you to know that I think about you often while I'm here, and I love you. I think about you whenever I wear the beautiful butterfly earrings you made me, which is pretty often 'cause I love them (-: I'm wearing them right now, actually.
Our play, "As You Like It", starts today. I'm a little nervous because I play the recorder for it, but I am excited. I wish you could be here for it! You should get the FROGs to road trip out here some time and come see a play (-: I could stuff like five girls in my dorm probably... maybe... not.... but we'd figure something out.
I better go since I'm in the middle of English class But I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you! | | |
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