Currently Reading The Pilgrim's Regress: An Allegorical Apology for Christianity Reason and Romanticism By C. S. Lewis see related

And it all comes back.

I guess I'm finally over this whole weird apathy thing, although I seem to say that every time I post. I think the first few times I was just trying to convince myself it was true, but with the return of emotion comes all the creativity, love, and thoughtfulness that I seemed to have been deprived of. They say you never know what you have 'till it's gone, but after a while you forget that too. Then, if by an act of mercy, you get some back, you become sensitive to (and grateful of) every last bit of it. I finally feel as though I've made a complete recovery, though (funny how I'm treating this like a disease), so you may not hear me talk about it much more. Which is good, it must be getting old.

About the music video (Bittersweet Symphony, by the Verve, for those of you who read this after I change it). First and foremost, I chose it because I just like the song. Neither the music nor the lyrics are spectacular, but you know how everyone has a certain few songs that they just plain like. I will now justify its being up there, but I'm not going to act like I thought through it a bunch before I put it up.

I do not believe Richard Ashcroft (the guy you see there) is a Christian. I'm not going to say he is and he's just explaining what life without God was like for him, because I believe he was explaining what life without God is like for him, although I doubt he understands that it's because he doesn't have God. I find it really interesting to hear such despairing songs from nonbelievers, because they're living proof of the void that the absence of God leaves. We can't expect him to write about anything else, and I'll say I have much more respect for him than for the typical pop-writer who writes about anything shallow enough to stop you from thinking. I'm not justifying or trying to negate Ashcroft's blame in rejecting Jesus, but the one who considers his life miserable despite his fame is closer to the one who revels in his worldliness.

Well, I've been thinking again, and being a teenager is weird. You change so much during these years that you don't know what new things to embrace and what old things to cling to. It's just so confusing.... It's Easter. Today, we remember Jesus, and in doing so we realize that confusion is all we get when we're so intent on finding ourselves. The easiest way to find yourself is to stop looking. I mean that when we stop trying to figure ourselves out and just love God (and love people, which is a necessary corollary), we stop trying to invent who we want ourselves to be and conform to who God wants us to be, thus becoming the ideal version of who we truly are.

Enjoy the rest of your Resurrection Day. He is risen, and I with Him.

Currently Reading The Pilgrim's Regress: An Allegorical Apology for Christianity Reason and Romanticism By C. S. Lewis see related

Well, it's late, so I won't be that long.

I recently figured out that I have about 9 songs completed. Sometime I'll upload a video of one or something. I wish I knew how to use my MPC. I wish I had some better equipment. It doesn't seem like there's much left to do with my songs other than produce them, and I don't have the resources I need.

I think I'm starting to develop a style, but it's really more like two; my piano songs sound similar and my guitar songs do too, but they don't sound like each other at all. When I produce them they'll sound more cohesive in an album. I hope I can get in a good band when I go to college.

I've altered my views on honesty a little. I've changed in that brutal honesty isn't quite what I'm going for any longer. I used to hate being polite and saying things in a nice way because it didn't seem quite honest, but really that's a non sequitur. It's perfectly logical to be nice and honest at the same time. What do you guys think about Dale Carnegie's book, "How to win friends and influence people"? It talks about a lot of ways to make people like you, and it seems kind of manipulative at first, but a lot of it is good stuff. Some I'll never agree with, like saying someone else is right when they're not remotely close, but other tips and tricks are useful, all though they seem to be a way to feign friendliness, rather than just being a friend. Things like acting interested in things you're not interested in. I'm not sure where I stand there.

What's the difference between having self-control by not acting the way you want and being dishonest? Where can you draw the line between hypocritically acting and just doing what you don't want to do?

I love writing, because it brings up questions logically that I never really thought about before. They were always in the back of my mind somewhere, but never actually addressed.

Read the Pilgrim's Regress by C.S. Lewis. It's good stuff.

Clean Slate

You know, it's surprising how much the weather can affect your attitude. I was unusually happy today for no other explainable reason. I think it's safe to say I've regained communication with my emotional side, after that really weird period of apathy.

I've had a lot of things happen since my last - well, second-to-last - post, and I don't have the time nor the patience to recap my whole life, so I'll just stick with the current stuff.

I'm currently spending the first part of my spring break in Chicago with my great-uncle and great-aunt. And like, my great-great-aunt-in-law or something like that. I'm always meeting new relatives on my mom's side. It's surprising how much Filipinos keep track of their relations. Anyway, I've read over half of Saint on the way here. It's quite an interesting read, it's actually kept me entertained for about four hours. I'll probably have it finished before I go home. Do you ever read a book, then find yourself thinking the same way? Maybe it's just me, but this whole day's been a third-person narrative for me, I can hear myself doing a running commentary on... well, myself. Tomorrow, I'm visiting the University of Chicago in the morning, then heading over to Hillsdale, Michigan to see their college. Then it's an eight-hour trip back. Oh, and then I get to get my wisdom teeth jerked out of my face the next day. That should be fun. I hope I don't say anything terribly embarrasing while under the influence. Of the anesthesia, I mean.

Do you know something? Looking for inspiration is pointless. All that can possibly happen is that you'll find something that is a passionate topic for a lot of people, and write something invariably cliche about it. I'll admit I've done this before in my songs. I think I may do some editing later. It's a long ride home. C.S. Lewis once said something along the lines of, "Those who try to be original never are. The only way to be truly original is to try to tell people the truth as clearly as possible, no matter how many times it's been said before." I think this relates to both music and lyrics, and I think I'm going to try to us this approach as much as possible.

I think I'm regaining my originality back. Spring break is already pulling me out of this detestable school-induced industrialization. There's got to be a better way to do school than simply feed students with as many facts as possible via 30+ hours in class a week plus tons of homework, only for them to forget as soon as the test is over. I'd love to push for educational reform someday, because I'm sure there's so much more that could be happening. Maybe I'll make an experimental school when I retire. That would be fun.

Silence is underrated. Excessive sensory input is a problem our society has. People are too obsessed with TV and music (yes, I said that) and talking and being talked to. It's usually heard that this is because people can't bear the sound of their conscience speaking to them. That may be true. Maybe it's just because people don't understand just how enjoyable and enlightening it can be to sit and think for a while. Then again, it's possible that, for most people, it's not.

Writing is like art, I think. You'll never end with what you expected. I'm ending like this. Sorry for the serious fragmentation, I had to get all this stuff out of my mind as easily as possible.

Okay, so maybe I did lie a little bit.

That's about the fourth time I've allegedly gotten back on xanga, then forgotten about it. I just don't have time to do anything online really except check my email and facebook every now and then. Facebook is really cool, but I'm impressed with how xanga has been developing. It's too bad I'm not seeing many people on here. I don't even know how many of my friends actually do this anymore, but I still like Xanga, so I think I'm gonna keep it and import all my notes to facebook. That way I can kill two birds with one stone.

Currently Reading To Kill a Mockingbird By Harper Lee see related

I guess I'm back.

Well, my schedule's lightening up, and I'm in a writing mood, so I'll post.

There have been so many things on my mind lately, and I can't think of any of them.

Well, first off, I should say that my problem has been solved, at least temporarily. A few things have happened in the past that have really caused me to feel emotion. A friend of mine underwent the loss of a loved one, and for once, I actually felt sympathy for someone. I've felt more of a general love toward all my friends, and even those who are more of acquaintances. I'm back to songwriting, and I'm convinced it does have to do with my apathy, or lack thereof. Thank you all so much for your prayers, I'm convinced they played a huge role in my recovery of sorts.

I'm not totally emotional, however, and I think I'm still a bit detached, but that might just be my personality. Yesterday, I went to a nursing home and played piano for a full hour while the ladies and gentlemen there had their dinner. I don't think I've ever had so many people voice appreciation for my music before, and come to think of it, I don't know if anyone's appreciated anything I've done before as much as they did. It was all worth it, and I'm going to be going there weekly, but the funny thing was that I didn't feel emotional about it at all. I was in a relatively happy mood, but I didn't even feel like tearing up or anything. What I did feel was the quiet satisfaction you get when you do something and you know God is glad you're doing it. I don't think I would've minded having more emotionalism about it, but emotions don't really matter as much as other things. God's blessed me with music, and then he's blessed me with an opportunity to give it back to Him.

I suppose I should go, it's almost 11:00, and I have school tomorrow.

Paul

...and as he laughed and said, "whatever," he knew he was wasting his time. He wanted to do something with his life, and he couldn't see how staying up-to-date on the latest gossip had anything to do with it. He wished people wouldn't talk so idly around him so he didn't have to feel so guilty about it, but he knew that he needed more than that. He had to do something, but only God knew what it was that would fulfill him. Well, if only God knew, it only made sense to ask Him, then, didn't it? He had always been the logical type.

He looked forward to going to bed, because that was where he could talk to Him alone. He had learned a lot from those conversations in the past, but now he had let pointless things like school to get in the way. Why was he doing school anyway? Oh yeah, the future and all that. But who cares about the future when you can talk to God? Doesn't He pretty much decide what happens in your future anyway? He had always been the logical type.

So as he came back with a new desire to go further up and further in to Christ, he reminded himself that he had done that so many times before, and everytime he had failed. He had drifted back to where he was. He hoped that he would always be able to come back and try again, and he didn't see why he couldn't. It wasn't like his Father would only pick him up when he fell so many times, and then just leave him. No, he wouldn't leave me, but he might tell me to get up by myself. He might tell me to quit copping out and actually put a little effort into being a Christian, then He would help me. It only made sense. I had always been the logical type.