mp3offspring2002's Xanga

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 14:57:12 GMT

I wish that I could eat the world. Spit it out, and be king. This way when the elections come I'd save everybody's time just by being awesome. I'll let people govern their own lives and then when chaos breaks out I'll be there to say "hey listen, stop fucking up because it's not about health care, welfare, issuance, guarantees, or premiums of any sort. This is living or not living if you don't like it kill yourself, but if you do just chill out and live life to the fullest by not being a fucking fool."

That's when the world would end.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 23:53:11 GMT

JUST TO EXPLAIN THIS POEM: I ONLY WROTE THIS BECAUSE I WANTED TO SAY FUCKER A BUNCH OF TIMES! THERE IS NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION BETWEEN ME AND THIS POEM... I'M JUST A DICK!

THE FUCKERS
(here is to chuck for adding the word "be" to line number 20)

It's Valentines Day and I walk alone
With no roses in my hand for a girl in which I love
I’m am alone
Alone and scared
I’m not prepared to spill my heart on the ground
The ashes of feelings lay in my heart
Afraid to sprout a new beautiful flower

I walk out in the hall in silence
It’s late and I’m tired but I’m thirsty beyond belief
The hall is silent except for the scream of the fuckers
Fucking their luckiness
Having sex in a bed that's owned by the school
They don't know what love is, they are only having sex
To fill the desire of satisfaction they think that they need
I know what love is, I love alone by myself
In a cold dark ally way
I wish I could hear the footsteps of a woman
Walking next to my singular pair of feet
Walking on fours we could be just one amazing together
We wouldn't be the fuckers
Fuckers don't understand the feelings
And don't know how to deal with the dealings of emotion
And romance and they just want to dance that sideways polka
I just want to dance that slow song that goes on and on
Spinning together moments that seem like forever
Looking in her eyes
As she looks in my eyes
Everything would be right
We wouldn't be the fuckers
Waking up and leaving
Tomorrow would be over and so is their night
One night stands suck

I sit and wait for the phone to ring
Silence fills the air as always
I can hear the fucker fucking their lives away
You think they'd get tired
It’s girl number three and day number two
I know, they say, it's honorable for him
To do those things he does to those girls he meets
After a few drinks at the... party
Forget her he doesn't even know her name
He’s caught up in a sexual lust when he looked at her bust
He’s a fucker; he's going to fuck her, and her and her
And probably him

I know that they're lonely
And their fighting to find the moment I’m trying to find too
But they look past me because I’m not really their
I’m just invisible 'cause I’m scared
Yes I’m a pussy
The fuckers are brave and do what they do and get that pussy
With out regret they fuck up others minds
They play with emotions and lie about devotions
They just wanted to tap that piece of ass
Get sucked by those beautiful lips
Lips that I once wanted to kiss
But now their covered...
By the juices of the after take of a fellatio
In other words she gave him head and got a facial in vane
I can feel her pain
She’s crying... and I’m there for her
But I’m just like her brother and she looks past me
Incest is bad
I’m invisible 'cause, well, I’m not a fucker
Fuckers don't understand the feelings

And don't know how to deal with the dealings of emotion
And romance and they just want to dance that sideways polka
I just want to dance that slow song that goes on and on
Spinning together moments that seem like forever
Looking in her eyes
As she looks in my eyes
Everything would be right
We wouldn't the fuckers
Waking up and leaving
Tomorrow would be over and so is their night
One night stands suck

I walk into my room that Valentines
And I turn out that annoying light
I sit by the glow of an artificial love
And I reach for a tissue but I don't have any tears
I hear the door open my roommate walks in
And I JUMP and the story is done.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 20:23:33 GMT

SANTA IS EVIL!

Ever notice that Santa and Satan have the same exact five letters?

As always I have another product of being that thinking college student. As always this will not be organized in any amazing fashion mainly because it is about 1 in the morning and I don't give a shit!

Santa has always been pictured as that fat jolly man that visits houses and symbolizes the holiday spirit, but is that really what he is? Did you ever notice Santa and Satan have the exact same five letters in them? Do you think that is coincidence? I don't! If you think about it long enough you discover to many things in common. Santa is evil, that's it I said it! Lets look further into this!

Santa can often be found in his red jumpsuit; the devil is often pictured as being red. I don't know about you but that is mighty strange. Of all colors why would red be the one chosen for Santa and Satan? Are we trying to get kids accustom to the color of blood, murder and strawberries? You would think if someone was trying to design a thoughtful mythical man they would have picked green. Green is the color of growth, grapes, and giving. The world is lathered in green and the spring brings green plants! Red is the sign of evil! You say the color red means nothing? Don't worry it only gets worse!

Santa lives at the North pole where it is cold and covered in ice; the level of hell (according to dante's inferno) where the devil is located is described as being cold and covered in ice. Did you know the magnetic poles of the earth change? So it is highly possible when the devil was sent DOWN to hell it meant south. This "south" at the time could be what we know as the North because of the polar switch. So maybe this wonderful place we call the North pole and tell all the children about is actually hell.

Hell is often pictured with tons of these demons and helpless sinful souls trapped for eternity; North pole is pictured with elves (magical mythical creatures) as his "workers." If the elves were workers then they wouldn't be forced to work on toys! They would be out walking amongst us, but do we ever see them? No, we do not! THEY ARE TRAPPED! Elves are slaves doing Santa's dirty work. Not only are Elves slaves they are put under such hard conditions they don't live to be that old. That is why in the Christmas story most of the elves are depicted as children; All the older elves were put into a furnace to melt the plastics and mold the metals used for toys.

The toys Santa gives away is another give away to his evilness; Santa breaks all copyright laws. Do you ever look at the packages of the gifts Santa gives? You don't see anything saying the toy was made in the North pole by elves do you? They look exactly like all of the other toys given out! Santa is using his cheap labor to give gifts that are exactly the same but cheaper for him to make. This isn't fair he is stealing from the workers who make those toys! Santa is basically leaving the poor to only get poorer because he is to lazy to spend his own money.

The size of Santa alone gives away the hints of major sinning. Santa is a very sinful person. One of the seven deadly sins is gluttony, and Santa is the king of the gluttons. He goes into your house and steals your milk and cookies. Stealing is against the eighth (or seventh depending on religion) commandment! Next Santa is very greedy; He doesn't share the work force of the elves with any body. Imagine how cheap things could be if we could send our work up to them instead of those expensive Mexicans which cost 25 cents an hour. Elves apparently work for free! They also have the technology to recreate X-box 360's and things of that manner. Imagine how he could help out the advancement of our technology if he can copy ours instantly. (Santa violates each of the deadly sins, but I'll put a chart at the bottom to save you guys time and save me from writing another shitty paragraph)

Coal for the bad kids? Is coal really a bad thing? Think about the time that Santa started giving gifts. He gave them to the poor. What would a poor kid do with a toy? he would play with them instead of getting a job which in turn would get him poorer. Now coal could be used for heat to keep the kid warm and healthy so he could go out and work make money pull his family out debt, and turn them into decent citizens providing for the economy and making every body happy. So who got the benefit; the bad kids did as the good only suffered.

Any Jew or Christian knows the story of Moses. The one point of the story talks about how God gives power to Mosses, but the pharaoh also has powers that are evil. Santa has powers he got on his owns. Santa's power is designed for evil. He sneaks into peoples houses, he makes magic slave reindeer fly for him, and he uses his nose to do it all. Yes, his noes, full of snot and essence of pixie sticks and marijuana, is where his magic derives from. Now Mosses power came from a staff and praying. You don't see Santa praying do you?

The main reason why Santa is evil is because he hides the main reason of the Christian religion. Christmas is all about gifts, giving, decorations, bad songs, and Santa; what ever happened to Jesus? We go out and we give all these gifts and we tell our children about Santa and his magic, and his reindeer, but we never talk about the meaning of Christmas. Of course it is about being kind to one another and so on and so forth but what about baby lying in the manger cold birthed by a virgin mother? I mean a baby from a VIRGIN before the times of artificial insemination. We teach children to be good for Santa, but really shouldn't we be teaching children to be good for our lord Jesus Christ which was born (in the spring around Passover) on that day. Shouldn't we be sending little gifts up to heaven instead of giving them to ourselves? No, instead we spend months in the mall and telling children about Santa giving them false hope! So that in a few years when they are older they will have a complete panic attack because their reality has been shattered. Keep lying for the sake of the children's fantasies That is what Satan... I mean Santa wants!

LUST:
Santa has a bunch of little boys, girls, and hot teenagers sit on his lap! I don't know about you but that is a little creepy. You think that is his leg your sitting on? Possibly, but it's the third one ... the chub leg.

GLUTTONY:
Santa is fat and has rosy cheeks. I don't know about you but rose cheeks to me means that he is a lush. He has a fine taste for alcohol and cookies. Why do you think eggnog usually has rum in it? Yes it's because Santa tried to kick it up a notch

ENVY:
He only wishes that he could cook those cookies like you momma could! Why do you think he steals them?

LAZINESS:
He works only one day! The rest of the days he sits around eating and drinking as impostors and elves do all the work. Plus he runs off of reindeer fuel that bastard doesn't even have to go for maintenance or get gas. Not to mention he doesn't have to pay for batteries because of that evil freak glowing nosed reindeer by the name of ruldolph (itallian mobster name)

GREED:
Hell he has all this magic but won't share it.

WRATH:
Santa has a hate for the Jews. Look he completely skips over them he doesn't think about them or anything! He's worse than Mel Gibson and Hitler Combined! Skip the Jewish kids and make them feel unwelcome you sick Santa you!

PRIDE:
This prick sits around for 364 days a year doing nothing but he is more famous than Paris Hilton! That prick! Also he's the one that sponsors all those little kids movies about himself. They have to ask for his permission in order to be in a movie. Have you ever seen a movie where Santa was evil? No?! That's because he won't allow the truth to come out.

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

Santa is an idol. People write letters to Santa and ask for miracles from him. We tell children to be good or Santa the all knowing will call him bad and give him coal. What ever happened to praying to God?

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

I once saw Santa drop a book on his toe and he said "*** damnit"

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Santa works on Saturdays and Sundays. You think he cares about the Sabbath day? The seventh day of rest?

5. Honour thy father and thy mother.

Do you ever hear of Santa's Mother and Father? He never even gave thanks to them in any of his movies.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Grandma got ran over by a reindeer. She didn't have a chance Santa was aiming right for her while in his Yule tide rage.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

I saw mommy kissing Santa clause? Yes, that song says it all! Santa was macking it with somebody's Mom! I bet there was some fighting int he house when Mrs. Clause heard that song

8. Thou shalt not steal.

Once again those cookies and the copyright designs!

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Santa knows everything That happens, but he doesn't say anything! OK i don't know how he breaks this one but he does somehow because he's so damn evil. Though what he does do he knows everything and it's basically black mail. He gives coal to the bad people saying "i know what you did last summer!"

10. Thou shalt not covet.

Santa gives the goods to the people. Santa gives unfairly to the people. Santa creates envy and people go out and steal and buy off each other and in the end coveting happens and it's all caused by the SANTA!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 00:59:50 GMT

Random Pictures:

Bigman on Campus

STuff i Did instead of HW:

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 13:36:20 GMT

Here is something to tide you over for a little ~~tit~~ tid bit:

Jesse’s Theory about Men and the love of Boobs!

WARNING: This should not be read by any one under the age of 37, but read ahead if you want.

College is the time for thinking about big questions in life like, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” or “What is the meaning of my life?” Well I’m no different than any one else and I’ve been thinking of an important question in life. Why do (most) men love Boobs? I thought about this for the longest time and even thought about doing research. Being at the old age of eighteen I decided with the few years I had left I wouldn’t waste my time doing that, instead I took the political approach and just thought about it and BSed my way through this question. Though, unlike any modern politician I will straight up tell you the answer (I know, I know it seems impossible).

To kick this off we have to go back to the time period a little after we were forced to come out of that nice warm womb and go through either your mom’s vaginal canal or a slice in her stomach. At this time period we were nothing more than hungry little crying creatures. We had no control over bodies; all we did was wiggle around and poop our selves. We did have control over one thing. When we cried our mom would come up to us and nurture us, and feed us by sticking her breast in our mouths (if not a breast at least a bottle which resembles a tit.) I know you don’t want to admit it but it’s true. You sucked your moms boob and you got into it too I bet. Think about it though, the first food you got from divine breastly objects. Now remember the old saying that women made in the 50’s and 60’s to give a purpose for them cooking all the time “The quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach.” So at a young age everyone (including girls) love the boob.

Now later in life the meaning of the boob is repressed. We still love the boob, but it’s hidden in our subconscious. Why do you think little boys love playing with balls and water balloons? Yup if you guessed it’s because of the breast you are correct. Men transfer the love of the boob into balls and such. This is also the time period when girls start becoming weird and obsessing over dolls. They too are obsessed with boobs, but they are practicing taking care of the boobs by dressing the dolls and also wearing training bras. This is also the cause of little boys hating little girls. The little boys deep down inside are mad that the little girls do not have boobs and are confused. They look at the older women and see these once food givers and look at their peers that are female and are confused. Are they human? They are female and with out boobs! This thought will change in adolescence.

It’s now the adolescence time period, hair starts growing in places where there wasn’t hair before and parts start changing and functioning in new ways. The repressed love of the boobs is slowly coming of its hiding. This is caused because the penis now has access to brain; the penis is confused and doesn’t know what it should like. So what it does is goes back into the archives and goes to the stomach memories. There is where it finds the boobs; they are sitting there on top of the salami. (Sometimes the penis accidentally grabs the salami and that is the cause of homosexuals.) Now that the penis shares the love of the breast with the stomach and they converse and wonder how they can share this love. This is how sexual fantasies are started; satisfying the id of both the stomach and penis. Soon these pleasures will become fulfilled, that is the next stage.

Emerging Adulthood and Adulthood is where the love of the boob takes into full effect. Girls now flaunt off their globes of happiness and tease men because they know the powers of the boob. Now that the now men are fully aware of the reason the penis gets hard, and where it’s key hole is the men are even more obsessed with the boobs. Now the boob resembles sex, balls, and food (that is why some men love sucking on the breast). Further more the obsession of sports is huge. Basketball reminds men subconsciously of a bouncing boob, baseball is just smacking their penis against boobs, and almost all other sports are loved because of the boob. (Except for football, a football is based on the love of the vagina, but that’s a different essay at a different time) These obsessions stick till death, or until all peers are now super saggy boobs. Saggy Boobs are the reason old men like lying in hammocks. Till finally the penis is sick of standing and it dies early. That is when the love of boobs is done.

As you can see the love of the boob is all caused by our mothers feeding us. The rest is just sort of a trickle down effect from that. So any man that ever looks at a boob and get excited and smiles should thank their mom. Yeah, I agree, the Oedipus Complex is gross. Once again I remind you that I took the political approach to this so all of the ideas expressed in this entry are BS, but just incase I get lucky and nail anything correctly I claim all credit.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 02:27:01 GMT

Many times in my life I was asked who my heroes were in my life, what people inspired me, and which people have touched me so deep. I've been asked this every where from a PSAT essay question all the way to Myspace. So today I was thinking, who are my heroes. And I made a list:

My "heroes!":

1. Cheers to Mr Buffet Man!: My first hero (going in no order) would have to be the man that thought of the "all-you-can-eat-buffet"! Most of the time you go in and you pay before hand. This is genius cause you don't have this mystery bill that haunts you, there are no hidden fee's you just pay this nice fee and you're free to adventure into this safari of already cooked game (food). The beauty is that you can get all that you want, (hence the name "all-you-can-eat-buffet)! So you go up and you eat more and more till finally you think to yourself wow that's enough! I can't eat any more! I'm stuffed!!! Then suddenly unsuspectingly your one friend looks around and says "Wow they have ice cream and desserts! I'm going to get some ice cream on top of what ever cool pies they have" ICE CREAM! PIE!! CRISCO LARD TO FILL MY ARTERIES!!!! your mind screams and you run up and get it completely forgetting that you were stuffed a second ago. When you go get this ice cream or dessert or all the desserts up there you cover it with the toppings, cause its all you can eat, its free its happy and its complete bliss. Then you eat this ice cream and you smile cause you feel complete. There isn't an empty spot in your body any more. Its filled to the max, your belly button is popping out and you your stomach is hard as a rock. So you leave and you think to your self, OH DARN I HAVE TO LEAVE A TIP!!!! You start feeling regret cause you hate tips you think that this is the catch, so you look at your receipt and on the bottom it says "no tips please!" Then that is the final moment of glory felling like you just won the lottery. That's when you roll out to your car and say to every one "I'm stuffed, I'm never eating that much again!" but you will cause you know you'll be back there one day and you're going to eat even more cause you'll starve yourself for a week just to eat as much as you can.

2. You're # 1 The Underdogs: These guys I hold dear to my heart. No matter what in any sporting event or almost any event at all, there is that one guy or team that shouldn't be there. You look at them at first and you feel bad for them like how you feel bad for a orphaned child cause you know they are about to be slaughtered by that behemoth monster team. Yet you watch this game, even though the chances are slim to none, you don't route for them though cause well they are the underdogs, you don't route for the underdogs. That's why they are under, if they were routed for they would be the on top dogs, or the humans but we don't want that. Then suddenly the big awesome team that was suppose to go all the way, sucks completely. You watch in amazement, you even start crying and cursing at the TV. Then final score comes up and the Underdog wins. Then the next game comes, and you route for the underdog like they were your home team. You listen to the radio and everything else where you suddenly get educated about them. You know all their plays and you think they are the best team ever. Then finally its game again. You route for them again, when they are playing that next Behemoth Team. You think "yeah they can take them!" but they lose. That is the moment I love! Underdogs thank you for breaking the millions of hearts, and for taking advantage of our emotions! Plus, we all know you suck and the only reason you go further is cause you take advantage of the ego of the big teams!

3. Seinfeld: I'm talking about the show. Yes the show is my hero it touched me deeply. I'm going to tell you why! Cause that shows plot lines were about "nothing". They even admitted it on the episode where Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza are trying to make a show about nothing. There is no other show that could be about nothing and be so great. Of course there is family guy, but still that's a cartoon and cartoons with plots suck (except for old Disney). I'm talking about live action every day crap that happens to us made into a show. One day I bet there will be a transition where all the scholars are going to stop saying Shakespeare quotes and start saying stuff from Seinfeld. I know it, its already happening! Look at Spring-ford Economics Teacher Mr. Rhineheimer (sp?)! Further more even though the show is about nothing, it teaches us a lesson and opens our eyes to the simple things in life. Like how much a check at a restaurant sucks or the ladies at nail places talk about you in Korean.

4. Don't die on me slow old man: Every once in a while you'll be at a groceries store, or some random place and there is an old man walking step after step. Of course most of you look at him and dismiss him cause it's just an every day part of life. I don't! I look at him and I feel sympathy. I start crying I feel embarrassed I then go home get a big thing of Ice cream and I go home and watch the Note Book. Why the Note Book? Cause it gets the tears out and it does involve old people. Why do I consider this old man my hero though you ask? I'll tell you cause I'm a nice guy. Cause this old man is not in a hurry, but he does have a place to go and he's going to get there. I mean it! If you ask him if he wants help he'll hit you with his cane right in the groin and say "NO!!!" You'll get up and be like Damn. He doesn't want to be messed with! He doesn't. He's old he has experience. Plus he knows the only reason you want to help him is because it pisses you off that he's going so slow. He's a man with a mission. Not to mention even though he's old, he'll most likely out live us. He looks at us and thinks "stupid kids!" even though you may be thirty. Why do you think he's walking? Cause he's keeping in shape that's why! He's got it right! So This ones for you old man "HAZZAAH!!!"

5. Mel Gibson: Oh no did I say the bad name? I DID! OH MY! This one I was debating about putting down, because he made all those remarks about Jews and such. Though I then realized that I didn't care about him personally. In fact he could go out punch a cop, bite the president, and pee on mount Rushmore. I'd still watch his movies. Though the reason he is my hero is because of the movie What Women Want. Yes a chick flick, that's why he's my hero. What other man could have played that roll? None, we would have called them gay! Though Mel Gibson we didn't think he was gay, nope, didn't even cross our mind because he was in the movie Brave Heart. How can he be gay if he had his intestines pulled out as he screamed FREEEEDDOOOOMM!!! SO there you go that's my reason and I'm sticking too it!

6. The Toll boothers: Every time you go through that toll both and there is that man or lady that you hand your money, that toll booth person has a short five second conversation with you. Usually its about anything, about your day, their day, politics, even N' Sync. What you don't know is that conversation is held out for their whole twelve hour shift. You think that this conversation is just between you and them, but its not! Its with every person on that special road that you have to pay to be on that went through there booth. The next reason they are my hero is because of their bladder control. I don't know where they go, but I believe they don't. If they do go, that's extra props cause its probably in a bottle under their counter. Little do you know that Mr. Tollbooth man has his pee going into a bottle as you speak and hand him that three dollars to enter into Pennsylvania from New Jersey. They are true heroes.

7. Brad Pitt: Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Joli (need I say more)

8. Vince Vaughn: Jennifer Anniston... cause she's a wonderful actor of course

9. Shirt folders: I don't know how when you get a shirt back from a dry cleaner, or when you buy a shirt a place it is folded so perfectly. Its like an origami of a shirt. You stare it as if its piece of art and you don't want to ruin your shirt. Then when you do unfold it, its like unwrapping a present. You don't know what's inside of the mystery gift, and its not Christmas so it can't be clothes. Yet when its done being unfolded you look at it, even though its a shirt, as if its the best gift you ever got and you know that you're going to look super sexy in this shirt that you just unfolded. You put on this shirt and you feel as if you could take on the world, but then you look up at the clock realizing you're late and you sprint out side to your car. That moment your neighbors all stare at you and you're like "what?" and you look down and you realize that you forgot to put on pants, and your chili pepper underwear is being shown to the world. So for folding that shirt perfectly and making it seem like the best gift ever. I LOVE YOU SHIRT FOLDER!

10. John Kruk: If you don't know who he is you're missing out. He's probably the best baseball player that ever lived. Even though he's not the Babe Ruth or Roy Hobbs, he's better. This man's reputation is beyond Divine it super ultimate suprimo! Here is a small exert from a John Kruk Fan Club:

"On his third pass, it happened -- a full cup of soda came rifling down and hit him in the chest. The crowd cheered. Security began to make its way up to the section and everybody turned around to see who the culprit was. When security began walking the man down the stairs, the cheers became louder and when I finally got a view of the man, it was obvious he was not just your average drunk, pot-bellied animal that lived in the 700 level. Or was he? It turned out that the soda-thrower was former Phillie-cum-ESPN analyst John Kruk, wearing an awful gray sweatshirt and completely feeling right at home with the maniacs. As he was escorted out of the section, he made presidential waves to the rest of the fans -- which was now giving him a full-on standing ovation -- and security seemed to let him ham it up a bit because they knew who he was as well. If anybody questions why Philly was so in love with the '93 Phillies team -- and the Eagles, for that matter - well that could pretty much sum it up right then and there."

I believe that says it all. Not to mention that he at one time sold the number on his jersey to another baseball player for a pack of beer.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 14:31:50 GMT

A Terrorist Organization on our home soil

WANTED for questioning

I believe its about time we declare the Amish a threat to our Society. They have beards and are primitive. This is indeed the two biggest signs of being apart of a terrorist organization. Further more to prove case the Amish produce the very explosive material called Cattle Feces. This is the same material that was used in the Oklahoma bombing. I believe if we do act on these tyrants to the American way of life they will all join together and attack interstate 95 by lining up their hundreds of horse and buggies and drive down to Washington DC. This will directly attack the economy by not allowing the workers to get to their jobs on time mean while causing people to waste the precious fuel called gasoline. Wasting such a valuable resource will cause families to go hungry when more money form their account must be wasted for gas. Also not forgetting to mention that the Amish at one time did provide the illegal substance known as marijuana to the Hell Angels motorcycle gang. These sales of the illegal dangerous substances have been traced to being used by the creators of bad day time TV shows such as "Passions" and "Oprah". These are brain washing every person that sit down at home on a sick day and watch TV. So I here by declare the Amish a threat to society!!! So when you see an Amish man on the streets don't take any crap from them. Take out your cell phone and wave it in their faces saying "HA HA HA" then drive away. Be a TRUE AMERICAN

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 06:39:00 GMT

Well i decided that with my knowledge that I'll save some of you that pay for expensive books about dating by writing some rules!

Jesse's Rules of Dating:

Don't take these all seriously... I'm not liable for any things that happen if you take this literally.

1. No matter how ugly your date is, refrain from staring them right in the eyes and saying "Damn Bitch, it look like you be whacked by da ugly tree!"

2. If your dating a girl that is Russian refrain from making communist Jokes, that is bad! no matter how funny they are!

3. If you have to fart, don't do it in the middle of a fancy restaurant. It may not be embarrassing to you but the chances it will be for your date. Also nobody wants to smell your shit particles just hold it! It maybe painful but romance is worth it!

4. Make sure that you and your date both speak the same language. Cause communication is key. If you speak German and your dating a person that speaks Spanish, you might as well just break up now. Plus who ever heard of German Tacos?

5. When going on a date don't wear something to sleazy if your a guy, believe me nobody wants to see you in a thong. Same goes for girls, the only problem is the chances are that people do want to see you and your date may get jealous.

6. Don't make out in the middle of a restaurant. First off i eat out a lot and i don't want to see you. But mainly you went paying for food. You can eat each other later.

7. Nobody should ever tell their date that their mom/dad is hot. That's just creepy and it cost a lot in counseling.

8. When trying to think of interesting conversations, never start out by asking them their views on abortion and then going against them. Probably for the best don't talk about politics

9. The goal at the end of the first date shouldn't be to get in their pants. First off its the first date for god sakes. That isn't enough time do the background checks. THEY MAY HAVE THE CLAP!!! That's not what I call a fun thing!

10. Don't take your date to a Dollar theater. I know its cheaper and tempting, but I was at one onetime and I saw a man get eaten by that sticky crap on the floor. It was sad... and you don't want to lose your life on a date would you?

11. If they ask for a piece of gum don't say "no but i got cum" and laugh like the little immature teenager that you are. First off that's gross as hell, mostly its over used don't say it any more.

12. Disney Movies are great movies to watch together, cause almost every one loves them.

13. If the parents interrogate you NEVER tell them that you want to spank their daughter. This leads me to the next rule.

14. Don't abuse your date. That's not cool. This includes: actual hitting, punching, kicking, punting, stabbing, bashing, shooting, slashing, and spanking. (and others)... These things can be ignored if your a kinky couple, but if you are a kinky couple YOU'RE FRIGGEN GROSS!!!

15. Wear deodorant, no one wants to smell your stinky pits. Plus if you want to have another date you probably want to wear something pleasant. Everything helps.

16. Ok this one is for the guys, they maybe hot but don't keep staring at their boobs and cleavage. They have eyes and they are usually really pretty too! unless they're blind then everything I guess is fair game?

17. If you tell a joke, and its not funny the first time. Don't repeat it thinking it will be funnier the second time. (cough Paul Tedesco cough)

18. Girls LOVE flowers (and so do some guys) but DON'T pick them from their front garden. That's cruel usual and proves that your a sick stingy person!

19. You have full right to beat the shit out of any one that makes fun of your date. Not only does it prove your manly its also fun. Its like living a bad soap opera or movie.

20. If the person has 5 kids from 5 different mothers/fathers, the chances are you don't want to date them.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 17:13:37 GMT

Although I'm a virgin here are

Something's i bet are (would be) better than sex:

1. Opening up a new thing of Peanut butter where the top is all untouched and smooth and shiny

2. Hearing that you don't have cancer after they accidentally told you that you did!

3. When you finally get open that new pickle jar

4. When your team (the eagles) finally win the super bowl or the world series (the phillies)

5. the day you hear the neighbors you hate are moving

6. When you win the lottery!

7. Finally finishing the book "War and Peace" and getting paid for all the hours you spent reading it

8. A phone call from the president telling you that he is sorry for something and saying you don't have to pay taxes any more

9. A new puppy

10. Your first hole in one on a par 5 hole.

11. You hear someone knocking on your door and you answer it and its a midget dressed like a leprechaun doing an Irish jig.

12. Running over a cat... (umm... idk how this one got here)

13. Watching reruns of Threes Company

14. finding out some relative you didn't know just died and he is giving you all of his money (notice a theme here) and not only that he's throwing a huge Funeral party with the best Italian cuisine!

15. Meeting Johnny Depp

16. Finding out that you are a jedi and can use the force\

17. Donald Trump being completely bald

18. You find out that every recording of every disco song suddenly gets destroyed

19. When Tom Cruise gets hit by a bus

20. growing a sixth toe

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sun, 02 Jul 2006 15:33:43 GMT

Some Words of Wisdom:

"Prose Before Hos"