mpsfender182's Xanga

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 20:15:35 GMT

Up here in New England, fall passes so quickly. It seems as if one day the hills and forests are one bright crayon box, and the next day, they are naked and cold, and we bundle up, cherishing our hot-water heaters and cozy beds. I guess something so beautiful can't last for very long for the sake of becoming ordinary. I wish I could just take a sunny day off and take an expedition into the hills. I'm a photographer, you see. I capture moments that speak out to me like emotions.

We are good at adapting. In the beginning it seemed as if our choices to go to different colleges so far away was a total mistake. It felt that way after all our optimism was shot down once we realized how hard it is to see each other. And now, things may still not be as we'd like them to be, but we're making the best of it. It all goes down in the books. The good, the bad. Can't wait to see you.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Tue, 06 May 2008 12:05:08 GMT

Smoothies are a secret. I don't even like yogurt, but when blended together with a banana and some strawberries, it was pretty darn delicious. I didn't even add sugar! This means it's practically all-natural, it has to be healthy for you. Now if there was only a way to disguise those greens into a tasty delight. We'll be having an end-of-the-year BBQ with Brooks house and Smoothie Sunday Snacks. I loved being a Baxter Fellow for Brooks, probably because I knew almost everyone in Brooks beforehand, but the mess of inner politics that comes along with being part of the NGB is not something I'd like to deal with again. BTDubbs, I switched into Currier Neighborhood for next year. I just figured it was time for a change and I wanted to experience the other half of campus.

I got into Parsons, an art school in NYC! Incase you haven't been following, during Spring Break I was visiting colleges in NYC because I was thinking of transferring schools. But ever since I dropped the computer science major and picked up the Studio Art major, things have gotten much better, and I'm staying at Williams. Unfortunately I most likely won't be studying abroad because I have quite a bit of classes I need to catch up on, but I'm still super-excited about all my studio art courses

My pondering question for the night, who is considered to be more of a good friend? Someone you spend a little bit of time with everyday, or someone who always knows the right things to say, but only appears on occasion? Unfairly it seems my heart leans towards the latter. I suppose because, in the rush of our college lives, convenience plays a part in friendships. So even though we may be more compatible, I never had the chance to be inside your bubble, and I can't pop it either.

Damn, I miss writing songs and stuff. I did make an awesome painting though, just messing around with paints and such. I love the way the colors came out, I think it's gorgeous. I gave up on trying to stay organized because I was focusing more on that than on the actual papers and work I was organizing. Rather, I just make sure to clean up my room every now and then. I reorganized my room, like the bed and whatnot, for the last 2 weeks of class. I think it's inspiring, to change things up, or perhaps just a distraction, but I like it .

Comments are welcome, I don't publish these blogs online for nothing. Outside feedback plays a part in my reasoning, I don't have all the answers.

My hair has gone from blue to purple with streaks of yellow. I'm blooming and I don't know what'll happen next. I'm excited.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 05:09:32 GMT

Have you ever thought about committing suicide? Not actually considered it, but just gave committing suicide a thought? Lately there has been this thought, this idea that runs through my head. "Who would actually care enough to go to my funeral?" But that's just stupid because then you couldn't see who actually went. So instead I'd do something crazy enough to get me in the hospital. Crashing my car into some inanimate object or jumping out a window or something. Yes, it's a play with fate, but what a game. I'd hope that someone would show up, I'd expect for someone to show up, but damn, what if no one did? I suppose it just says a lot about the people I'm surrounded by. It's weird; if I'm pissed off or just feeling like shit and I talk to a good friend of mine, before I hang up, she always tells me, "don't do anything stupid." What do you mean by this? Do you know that doing something stupid is a thought on the top of my head right now? Please explain darling, I'd like to know.

Anyways, what else has been going on? I'm now allowed to drive one of those 14-passenger vans, I think that's kind of badass (no worries, I would never put anyone else's life in danger). I had my first paid photography event, that was pretty awesome. Hopefully I'll find out soon whether I was accepted to Parsons. Still not sure what I'll do if I am. Talking about art, this past Wednesday was the second time I was a nude model for a community arts group. Even my winter study prof was there! Most people think it's a big deal, but I don't mind being naked in front of people. I figure that every guy has looked at himself in the mirror and the every woman in that room has seen a guy naked, so badabing badaboom badabam.

Still talking about art, my sculpture class had our 2nd gallery opening, this time our worked was a self-portrait based on an artist study. You can find pictures on my facebook account, name Marco P.S.

My weekend was pretty jam-packed. Full of strawberry jam. No, kidding. Coffeehouse was great on Friday, I need to get back in my song-writing groove so I can perform again. The Dance Dhamaka show was completely awesome. It's funny because most of the girls that I've had flings and things with are in the group. Unfortunately it blew up in my face when at the after-party they were all doing their own thing, which didn't have to do much with me. Obviously my perception is wrong when it comes to such matters.

A friend of mine said it seems like I'm happy being independent. That's funny. I mean I have to be, or else I've got nothing, but damn, if I could just be like most everyone else and just have this clique of friends that never leave my side, I would give anything. I really think I would, because anytime I see any two buddies hanging out as usual, just always there with the other, I get so envious. But I don't know if that will ever happen. As my buddy said as well, I'm very spread out. Meaning that yes, I do have friends that love singer-songwriter music, friends that love late-night dancing, friends that love making art, friends that go out on the weekends, but unfortunately they don't overlap. I love all of these things, but the people that I know only exist in one area. Which means I don't really have someone to always hang out with. I get so lonely. It's horrible.

I know were not the richest family in the world, but to me, it really says a lot when my mother is going to visit my brother in Colorado and my sister in Philly, but will only see me because I'm going to see my sister's fashion show like she is, and won't be coming up to my school. I think this is why I haven't called her lately. She hasn't called me either. Sucks to feel like your own family doesn't care. Not that I particularly intensely care about my family either, or else I wouldn't be so far away from home.

I worry about my Dad though. Love him to death. When I decide to get a tattoo, I'm going to get one exactly like his, as a tribute to his greatness. Unfortunately he's probably still unemployed. Long story short, he injured himself at the wiremill where he used to work, they found a stupid reason to fire him, and no new employers want him because with his injury he's more of a liability than an help to the company. My sister says she thinks that he thinks he's going to die soon, because his father and brother did around the age he is now. He needs someone to lift his spirits. As do I.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 16:13:04 GMT

I thought I would know everything about myself by now. I figured since I wasn't a meddling teenager anymore that now I'm an adult, a responsible wise adult. But that's not the way it is. For me, it's more of just realizing that my body and my life are my own, and only now can I begin to learn who I really am and what I want to get out of life. Kind of like understanding that all my actions have reactions. But that is still a long ways away. I'm messing up things now. Not on purpose, but I just don't have an answer for you yet. Or if I do, it's not one you want to hear, and I don't have the guts to say it to you. Either that or I don't want to bother dealing with it. Only now does the saying "Your life is in your hands" feel so real.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:34:05 GMT

This was an important spring break. I spent it all in New York City staying with a friend. Didn't really consider going home cause I spend most of time running away from home and would've had to pay for my plane ticket, and I'd rather save up for tech gizmos instead. My break was fun because I visited a couple of colleges in NYC, going on tours and into Info Sessions and stuff. Don't panic, I'm not looking at immediately transferring, but I would like to keep my options open. Let's just say I'm not the happiest person where I am right now, and I'm trying to figure out if it's the school or me that's needs to change. Sadly, when I was originally applying for colleges, Williams was the only place I got to visit. Now I really wish I would have had the chance to visit other colleges I was applying to. Blog about college applications, yuck. Let's just say it allowed me to see all that Williams is and isn't and allowed for a reevaluation of myself.

Have a good week.

(below) Unfinished blog of March 23rd, 2008

Damn. I've gotten into a mode of planning my blogs. Doesn't work for me cause then they start becoming all vague and theoretical. But I'd like to start off with a quote.

"It's better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not." - a friend's away message and Andre Gide (a French author and winner of the Nobel Prize in literature in 1947).

I like that. Up to this point, I've still been caught up in some kind of game where I don't play myself. Trying to play the cool kid in middle school and high school, and although I had my place amongst them, I didn't have a strong friendship with any of them. Which didn't really result in much now that high school is over. Don't get me wrong, I had a good group of friends and an awesome friend outside of high school, but I feel our bond could've been a lot stronger if I stuck around more loyally.

I don't know. I have commitment issues, friendship issues. Something.

Beauty. When do we find it?

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 23:58:43 GMT

There's moments when stars are just stars, and times when we could stare at them endlessly. Times when I could stand under the warm water of the shower forever. Times when the warm spring breeze passes through me, and I don't want to move. I want to escape, to lay in the morning dew of the summer's grass and let the world pass over me. I am unfulfilled, but I am hopeful. Ignorant, perhaps.

We fall in love when we are in need. To rid of loneliness, to share thoughts, dreams, to escape from the real world, whatever the reason may be. Most needs are temporary; once fulfilled, the bond is broken, and we are left looking for other reasons to remain together. Typically it's because a couple has spent a good amount of time together, and all the memories and experiences are hard to let go of, even if the love that once existed no longer does. It's more of obligation. Not the most romantic situation to be in.

And what about to be in love? Can we fall in love without being in need? Or is that what love is all about, and for those lucky few, they are able to continuously find reasons why each person needs the other?

Thoughts?

Transition

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 12:54:43 GMT

There has been a lot going on in my mind and body lately. I entered the semester with a fresh mind, excited for all my classes and totally pumped that this was going to be the perfect semester for me, where I got everything right. But then a couple weeks into it, I started worrying about absolutely everything. Whether I'd be able to finish assignments or if socially things were going to work out the way I envisioned. Unfortunately all this worrying really didn't affect anything except for my state of mind. Things kind of cleared up when I found a place to get away from all the reminders of what I had to do. Well duh, that's why people study in the library, Marco. Well, now I'm a believer.

It's cool because someone also believes in me, in my talent as a photographer. I know that my friends may or may not like my work, but it's different because I don't really know this person, only through friends we share, but they appreciate and compliment me on my work. They believe in me, and that's a good feeling to have. Thanks Matt.

As far as the rest of life, well, its got its ups and downs, but I asked for it. It's dumb because socially I'm ready to take risks and just put myself out there, but academically, the doubt in myself is so strong I just don't even bother. Perhaps in fear but I convince myself in apathy. For shame, for shame.

Smile. It helps sometimes.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 01:47:27 GMT

Words alone don't mean much. You have to believe them. I can give you advice, but if you don't have much hope that it will do anything then it's not worth much. Then again we also believe things too quickly. Whatever, I'll stop trying to encompass everything thought into one paragraph.

I came from a high school where I was one of the smart kids. In that position, people expected you to always have your work done, always know the answer, so it was easier to be motivated to do such things. But now, I'm somewhere towards the lower end of the class, and it's a total change of pace. No one really expects much of me, so it's much easier not to give as much. WRONG idea to have, idiot. Why, because we create our own destiny. I need to stop relating myself to other students. It's more about knowing what you want and how hard you're willing to work for it.

Unfortunately when you don't know exactly what you want it's hard to work for it. Bummer.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 22:17:13 GMT

How much does our imagination play a part in our thoughts? The older we the better we understand ourselves and other people, what makes us and them happy and how we react which certain situations arise. Doesn't it seem easy then to keep ourselves happy? Unfortunately most things that make us happy involve other people. And just like in Bruce Almighty, "You can control anything except free-will."

In a selfish sense, that doesn't leave us with much to control. There's always more to think about when we go for what we want, things such as other people's feelings, which is totally vague, but things such as fairness or immorality. Sometimes the circumstances just aren't right for what we want to happen. It sounds kind of like an excuse to not go for what we want, but it has some truth to it.

So sometimes the only place something can happen is in our imagination. And the better we are able to understand the people that are part of our mind's creation, the more accurate and more like real life it becomes. Like those dreams you could've sworn happened in real life.

I've had a couple of just splendid imaginings lately. I don't know if they were conscious or subconscious thoughts, because they happened so naturally and felt almost real, but they were great. Great enough to make me smile, give me that heartwarming feeling inside, so great it was ideal. Part of me doesn't even want to worry about recreating those imaginings in real life, but just leave them for what they are, because nothing can destroy them.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 22:48:01 GMT

I have oral allergy syndrome. Eventually, I will die. I diagnosed myself after doing some research on Wikipedia. You see, the problem developed right along with puberty. I loved eating bananas, watermelon and maybe even cucumbers. But as life when on, when I now eat these vegetables, I get an itching and tingling sensation in my mouth. Which makes me thinks twice about eating them. It's quite tragic, yes, I know. I mean, banana AND watermelon. My two favorite edible items in the world were taken away, and no more is the pleasure as great.
Worse off, not that you care to know, Apple Cider, the most delicious drink, hot or cold, with or without cider donuts for dipping, gives me diarrhea. But you know what, who cares. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Right. Totally too much information. But I just needed to express my displeasure to the world. Sympathize with me.
In other news, check out my myspace for new music that I've written lately. I know it's kinda chill, but I'm planning out an upbeat song soon. So keep in touch. Sign me. I'd give my life for it.

If you died right now, would you be satisfied? Like for the length your life was, did you live a full life?

I think there's 2 kinds of people in life. Those who wait for something good to happen "I've been waiting all my life for this moment." And the ones who make it happen "I'm going to go make it happen." Like static and dynamic. Who do you think lives a generally more happy life? Who do you think is happier with the life they lead? I think those answers shouldn't be the same.

Goodbye in German.