***WARNING*** THIS MIGHT CONTAIN SOME MATERIAL THAT SOME FIND OFFENSIVE, BUT IT'S ALL TRUE AND ACCURATE.

Response to Mr Carver.

 To start off, I must say I haven't seen a xanga post as good as David Carver's post in a while. It was hilarious. It had really really good lines. But what I would really like to do is to copy that story and attach it to a dance that really deserves it. Through my experience of High School dances (Freshman Homecoming, BUMS Formal, Prom, TWIRP dance, Sophomore Homecoming, TWIRP again, Junior Homecoming, BUMS Formal, Junior Prom, Senior Prom, and Various Rec Dances) I must say, this one was quite mild. Very mild. Dare I say...  ...clean?  

   Lets make a helpful comparison. The Ruston High School Rec Dances were a thing unto themselves. "Rec Dance" stands for "Recreational Dance" but a more accurate term would have been "Wrecked Dance" or "Wasted Dance." The general schedule for these things was first go to a football game, drink a lot, and then show up at the Rec Dance. Getting down and dirty was what you did. And apparently that was good practice for what went on after the dance. You might think that I'm making this up, but I'm not. I wish I were.

  Lets get a better idea of the dancing at these wonderful high school events. Here, I must defer to a frequent Rec Dance attendee. Hoot Carswell. (Hoot is a nickname derived from the longer nickname "Hooter Head" given to him by his father. You might think that I'm making this up, but I'm not. I wish I were.) While I and some of my other high school friends were giving our own critiques of the Rec Dances (in much the same nature as Mr. carver's critique of the Valentine's Dance) we asked ol' Hoot what the secret was to dancing. ***WARNING: SOME OF YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO READ HOOT'S RESPONSE***  Hoot was kind enough to sum up the skill, preparation, and technique in Rec Dancing in one sentence: "Get a boner and get after it."   ...(blech!)...   You might think that I'm making this up, but I'm not. I wish I were.

  Mr Carver suggests that the spasms of movement originating from the hips result in sensuous dancing. As an eye witness, I must say that sensuous dancing does not originate from the hips. It originates from the pelvis. Or in the case of sensuous females, the hind quarters. Look at Hoot's description. It fits. This clearly did not happen at the Valentines Dance. Shaking the hips is usually good. Go on, show your stuff. Cut a rug with those hips.

  Now, Mr. Carver said that, "But when women are wearing as much material as could make up a rubber band and are actively wiggling themselves out of it - and when men are actively wiggling right along with them - something is wrong." I would agree. But this did not happen at the Valentines Dance. At the Valentines Dance, all the girls (almost without exception) looked simply stunning in their dresses without needing to show too much skin. This is not the case at a Rec Dance. Usually, the men are not wiggling right along with them, they're trying to wiggle themselves INTO that rubber band. Also, dresses have way too much fabric for a Rec Dance. Female Rec Dance attire consists of some tight gym shorts rolled up at the waist to make them as short as possible and a t-shirt tied up and put in a knot with a rubber band (oh, the irony) to make the shirt just a little bit more than a sport bra. BUT! That's not the end of it! You see, once some girl actually managed to "wiggle out of her rubber band" at a Rec Dance. And that's how the Rec Dances got canceled, because you see, the cops attend the Rec Dances to keep order if things get too unorderly, and after some inebriated girl decided to flail her "vast tracts of land" around on the dance floor, that was just too much. Rec Dances were cancelled. At least for a year. Rec Dances WERE orgies, or at least pretty close. They could have been worse. Trust me.

   So, lets check the comparison, the Valentine's Dance had....   ...no drugs, no alcohol, no pelvis dancing, no vast tracts of land, no bad dresses, and a lot of fun. Sounds like this was not an orgy. I don't mean to say that we weren't AS bad as we COULD have been, I mean to say that it WAS different, it WAS clean, it WAS set apart, and it WAS fun. If you haven't seen the other side, then occasionally the "set apart" lines are a little blurry. I just wanted to clear up the confusion.  Good dance; good fun; good taste. If that's an orgy by Patrick Henry standards, then looks like the orgy's alright.

                                                                -The Jones

Currently Listening Origin of Symmetry By Muse see related

Never doubt, it's all true!

We just had a bathroom cleaning inspection, and I believe I just had what many call an epiphany. An epiphany is "a comprehension or perception of reality by means of a sudden intuitive realization." I don't believe that it's one of those types of epiphanies that brings about a positive change, or one influenced by a divine intervention, but it was a revalation of truth. I have realized something that I have ignored for weeks since I have been here at school. It is amazing how I could overlook such compelling and overwhelming evidence. I now know that a Sasquatch lives in my bathroom.

In case some of you are ignorant of your humanoid cousins, see http://www.bigfootinfo.org/ for more information.

Quite frankly, I realized that the amount of hair in my bathroom is entirely too much to be shed by any five humans (that's right, even you, Poe!). Considering we only have five humans who use this bathroom, there must be a Sasquatch. Come to think of it, there might be too much hair for only one Sasquatch. Perhaps a very hairy Sasquatch, or a Sasquatch with a bad family history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.

Really, people. Humans cannot have that much hair. Even though we swept, cleared, cleaned, swiped and hauled off the hair and grime in the bathroom, the hair has RETURNED!!! This is RIDICULOUS! It has only been a couple of days. This hair is worse than that red stuff Tom Cruise had to deal with in War of the Worlds. It just keeps coming.

Until recently, my assertions were mere speculation, belief, and hypothesis. But now I have proof that such a creature is inhabiting the uncharted, dangerous, and foul smelling bogs of our bathroom. Take a look yourself:

Take note of the Sasquatch in its habitat of the fuzzy mountains of Washington state on the left. Now compare it to the photo on the right that I have been lucky enough to capture myself. Here, we see the Sasquatch fleeing the bathroom. Sasquatches are naturally elusive creatures, very shy, and once again, very hairy. Luckily my camera was quick enough to catch him before he jumped out of the shower, through Rm 111, out the window, and into the wold. He took my shampoo, too. Look at the picture; that's my Pert Plus!!! What a dirty theif. I need that back.

So, if any of you have tips for a Sasquatch repellant, please tell me. I don't want to clean our shower, the "Fuzzy Bottom Bog."

                                                        -Caleb  

Listen People,

 I just had a random fit of frustration. It all started when I started reading Jennifer Carden's post on her xanga and I went to some other person's xanga who did an interview of Jennifer Carden. In that post came the question "What type of guy is your type?" And that's when it happened. She invoked the "sense of humor." I believe the exact words were: "'great sense of humor.'  That is a big deal." And to that, I say: What the freakin' heck!?

 Lets get some things straight. I think I am a pretty funny guy. At times, I think I'm quite hilarious. Not only that, I think I am a million-billion-infinity-quadrillion times funnier than Scott Cunningham* who could land any girl he wanted to in high school (and many times did). If a "great sense of humor" had ANYTHING to do with how girls choose guys, I think I would have been much much much much more successful with women in high school. Who knows, maybe Jennifer is an exception to this rule, but I think girls GIRLS ARE FILTHY LIARS WHEN THEY INVOKE THE SENSE OF HUMOR THING. Where was the Relationship Sense of Humor Clause back in Junior High when all that really mattered was facial hair? Can I get an "Amen Brotha" from the guys!? PARTICULARLY, the LATE BLOOMERS (ahem, cough cough)

 Guys are quite honest when they say what they want in a girl. They usually say "Well, um, she needs to be hot....  ...and um, but no, really, that's not all, she needs a good personality, too." Is this a lie? Well, yes and no. Let's call it a "Protective Measure." The protective measure goes like this: What that second part about the personality REALLY means is "no really, I'm serious, if she's not hot, then things are going bye bye very soon." But we package it in the words "she must have a good personality." Guys know how to translate this, and girls do too, but they don't admit it. And guys REALLY need to do this!!! If a girl ever heard a guy say this without the protective measure, she would immediately pass the word down to the Unfailing Rudimentary System of Communication Relating to Evil Women Disrespectors, which guys commonly know as "U.R. S.C.R.E.W.D." And really, you are. If a girl catches a guy saying stuff like that and passes you on to U.R. S.C.R.E.W.D., then you're screwed. That's why we must package it up like so. But lets be clear, girls know what guys mean, even if they don't say so. How can I prove this? Easy: Worldwide Mary Kay sales - 1.4 Billion. That's Billion, Billion with a 'buh.'

 SO, let's get to the bottom of this. What IS the real test for guys? I think I've picked out some pretty important traits women look for.

1. MUSIC. Ok, I can't be any more clear on this: a MUSICAL guy is  HOTT guy. And I mean "hott" with the double T that all the girls write to signify a little wink when you say it which means, "I'll be smoochin' with him later (wink)." I cannot count all the times skinny, pale, ugly, sickly, and MUSICAL guys get surrounded by girls who swoon over airy voices and guitar playing. And SUPER KUDOS to the guy who can play guitar AND piano. AND sing a mushy love song. AND look a girl deep in the eyes when he's playing but not the WHOLE time, because he has to look deeply in the eyes of EVERY hot girl in the audience during the coarse of the song, I mean, EVERY girl with a really good personality in the audience during the coarse of the song. That's how they operate. It's the EYES. Like snakes. Snakes charming birds. Watch your eyes girls, no one is safe.

2. FOOTBALL. This may be different in different parts of the country, like it might be surfing in California or Hawaii, or maybe wrestling out west, or speech and debate among homeschool circles, but REALLY, this gets ridiculous. I have seen ogres get chicks. Football ogres. Really ugly football ogres. Really dumb ugly football ogres. Babes flock to them. If they didn't spend so much time in the weightroom, they would be swept away by the powerful and steady currents of babes flowing among them. And really people, I have a hard time being around these people. I personally see no admirable traits in these people. That's why I must classify "football" as a trait of its own.

3. HIS GARBONZO. I'll let ya'll figure that one out, but yeah....it's true.

 ...and the list goes on.... and on and on and on. Money, cars, dance skills, muscles, nunchuck skills, etc. I think that good sense of humor ranks somewhere among number #149. I just want to clear some of this stuff up. But I don't think I can complain. I'm sittin pretty as of now. But I would just like to make some general and COMPLETELY TRUE observations: a sense of humor is not all women crack it up to be.

Comment me up.

                                                -Caleb Jones

*I would just like to say I really hope Scott Cunningham is not reading this as of now as he still commands the ability to beat the ever loving snot out of me.

Cats Attack!

 I never thought I would be a cat person, but today I don't think that is entirely out of the question. The reason I say this is that when you mess with dogs, they wag their tails and look happy NO MATTER WHAT.
Scene I: Caleb is holding a tennis ball and pretends to throw it

Caleb: Hey Fido!! You want the ball!? 
Fido: Ball!? Ball!!!? Gimmie the ball!!!
Caleb: Fido! I'm going to throw you the ball!! I'm throwing the ball Fido!!
Fido: I WANT THE BALL! I WANT THE BALL! GIVE ME THE BALL!
Caleb: (pretends to throw the ball and hides it behind his back)
Fido: (turns and runs 10 feet, searches the horizon, can't see the ball, starts sniffing the ground, then turns around wagging his tail) Sorry Caleb, I think that one got away.
Caleb: Look, Fido! I have the ball!
Fido: Wow, Caleb! You fetch really nice!!!

     Man's best friend? Yes, this is true, and it is true because no matter what you do, a dog will always come back to you wagging his tail and asking to see that disapearing ball trick. Good ol' dogs.
     Cats on the other hand get FREAKED OUT. They get jumpy. They are not very trusting of people. Dogs are stupidly happy; cats feel the need to fight back. And that can be really, really funny. Cats will fight you if you mess with them! And all you have to do is hit them with a pillow and they go flying across the room and get scared and hide with only their jumpy and scared eyes peeking out from under the couch. Good times, Good times.

 On the other hand, I think we should take warning. After all, maybe we don't give cats enough credit. Maybe they're on the attack. Already positioned in a majority of homes worldwide, they may be just bidding their time... ...until now.
  Take a look at this startling statistic I've come across:
     Cat attacks aimed at Caleb Prior to August 1, 2005:  Zero
     Cat attacks aimed at Caleb After August 1, 2005: One
  It may not seem like much, but that's a statistical increase of infinity percent. We should be on our guard. As for myself, I'll be watching. I'll keep my trusty dog beside me.

                                                                 -Caleb

Ladies and Gentlemen and Ladies,

  The poker well is running dry. I'm not doing so well. My luck is bad and my skill is even worse. I'm impatient, reckless, an open book to everyone at the table, and broke on top of it all. So...

   THAT'S WHY I'M BUYING MY OWN CHIPS AND BRINGING THEM UP TO PHC! Yeehaw! I guess I'll just try to prey off the inexperienced up there. Bwahahahahahaha!!!!!

  But seriously guys. I think I'm going to be bringing poker night to the Hub, or at least my corner of the hub. All we need is a good spot to play.....

....so get your Gus Hansen on.

                                                                     -Caleb Jones