mrcyme33's Xanga

Friday, November 02, 2007

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 13:24:04 GMT

I hate the uncertainty of some things.
At one moment I could feel SO certain of something, I could scream it from mountain top. Yet, give it some time, and YOW! What you think you know is not what you really thought you knew in the beginning.

This frightens me on more levels than one.

ESPECIALLY when it comes to something like this.
I dont know what to do with myself.
I want to be able to trust what I feel and believe what I know.
...much too difficult to do at times where important things are on the line though.

Too many thoughts to accurately describe.

Oh you mixee mixee messages. I spit on you!(I am a nerd. Seriously.)

Not quite sure if you would call this pathetic or just straight up delusional...just cant stop thinking about it.

Sometimes, I've really gotta wonder what others TRULY think when the deepest parts of me...
things that have been pushed down and shoved into all the nooks and crannys of my heart
... come EXPLODING to the surface in the wierdest of times.

It's gotta be messy and confusing!

God bless my lovely roomies and the other people who listen to me over and over again.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 15:50:12 GMT

With each new day I'm realizing more and more that I'm not the same person I used to be.
Not the same as I was a year, 2 months, or even 2 weeks ago!
Crazy scary to have learned so much in such a short period of time...
But I wouldn't trade it or change it for anything.
Life is crazy good whether I always feel like it is or not.
I'm learning to be patient is stretching me in ways that I never thought possible, but I'm trusting that the end result will certainly be worth my while.
Seriously.
Who said there's any rush??

Guhhello stupid.

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 11:05:54 GMT

I dont understand this new xanga layout.
I cant read my comments.
This may be why I stopped writing here to begin with.
Ridiculousnesss.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 00:27:39 GMT

Wow. Sure has been a while since I've written anything here...
Not entirely sure why Im even writing anything now, but I guess Im just in a contemplative mood and need to get some of my thoughts down in writing.

This past week has been emotional. I went into the week thinking that things were going to be a certain way, and wound up severely let down and disappointed. Now, as I sit here thinking back over it all...I cant help but see that I have a habit of putting myself in situations where I inevitably wind up confused and feeling insecure.

It's not that the week was BAD...I think I just need to take this step back and really analyze what it is that I want out of life. Im finally coming to some sort of realization that what I need and want is, in fact, important... AND I shouldnt let anyone or anything get in the way and discourage me from going after that.

I think that deep down I truly know what I want. Somehow, over the last year I've lost sight of it and lost myself in the midst.

Mono Round 2??

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 08:21:51 GMT

I think I actually saw my lung lying on the floor beside my bed when I woke up this morning.
I spent the better half of last night tossing and turning....trying to keep breathing past the thick wall of mucus that seems to be building up in my throat and chest. I could not stop coughing. SICK...I know.

SO...this goes down as the 5th time Ive been sick so far this year. Had mono this summer and I havent seemed to be quite rid of it yet....it almost comes in waves. One minute Im alive and kickin...the next Im contracting whatever the latest sickness is that seems to be traveling across campus. My immune system is so low...Im surprised I havent died.

Looks like Im not going anywhere today...

venting venting venting...

Tue, 31 Oct 2006 17:15:09 GMT

~I hate feeling like I have to defend myself and my feelings to people with no apparent regard or attempt at understanding in response.
~Im tired of giving all the time and not getting anything in return
~I dont appreciate my words and my actions being twisted into something theyre not.
~Im not crazy and Im sick of being treated as such.
~Its the worst feeling in the world approaching someone with confidence about an issue and then somehow walking away, knowing you were right and yet feeling like youve done something horribly wrong.

I am not what you said I am...but yet I cant stop feeling like Im one of the worst people in the world...like you hate me...and that no matter what I say or how hard I try...I will STILL not be good enough.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 22:27:56 GMT

There are so many things that I dont understand right now....and Im learning that maybe I will never be meant to understand. I've had a time of yelling and hashing it out with God....and Ive tried my hardest to find something about Him that could be bad...or wrong...something He has to be plotting against me. BUT....in all of my searching...in all of my trying....I can't find a thing. No matter how hard I try, His goodness shows thru.
Somehow....even in the midst of my confusion there is peace. True...unrelenting....authentic PEACE....for the first time in my life, that things are going to be OK. I need not consume my thoughts with worry about the future...and worry about the things that are important to me. Does my Creator not already know those things which are important to me?? Of course! So why are so many hours consumed of my worrying and trying to have control over things which I simply cannot know and cannot have control over!?
       Its not that I am no longer experiencing the sadness of the things that are going on in my life that I wish could be different. No. I still feel sadness. Only, the difference now is that there is an underlying knowledge that God is good... and His peace sustains me through the things that dont make sense...the things that are hard.
       For so long I have viewed myself as worthless...ugly...not enough, and yet too much all at the same time. I've spent countless hours feeling depressed and sorry for myself....and in all reality, the events of the past month should be putting me in that very spot of self pitying and hating. BUT...Im starting to get a glimpse of who I am in light of HIS grace...His mercy...and im not saying that I am completely past dealing with all those feelings of insufficiency....but I AM feeling a little more clear headed...and little more purpose driven, and just a little more aware of His love and grace coverage.
       I could easily let myself be discouraged and shy from the world right now....but Im ready to have some fun. Ready to stop being sad all the time...finally.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 21:39:51 GMT

There have been several times in the last week....months....years, that I've fought against just flat out screaming as a feeble attempt to release even some of the emotion that I've felt inside. But today...right now...I feel like Im fighting against it the most. .....And what 's really keeping me from doing it!? SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS..... I mean really???? My worry and self consciousness over what people might think about me!!!? PLEEASE. It's ridiculous. Especially when the urge is so deep and so needed. Havent I already lost enough? Already worried too much?? I HATE that my fear... my overwhelming feeling of the need to stay strong and responsible....and my insecurity...are able to keep me from freedom. And yet... Im still hesitating.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 16:40:35 GMT

Highlights of the weekend include:

~trip to fort wayne with some of my favorite sissy's
~reminiscing about Lisa Frank collections and bad prom dates.
~Starbuck white chocolate mocha...mmmm.
~Mindy and I taking happy meals to Krista at Max Tan
~watching the Dallas Cowboy cheerleader tryouts with the sissy's and laughing at ridiculously limber dance movements. LOL
~"HITCH!!! HITCH!!!" LOLOL.....oh my. Poor girl with Turrets.
~Concert at the Blue Lion cafe
~Late night runs to taco bell on the spur of the moment. MMMM crunch wraps!
~Bonfires!!!! yesss.

Hmmm

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 14:48:13 GMT

I feel really alone today.