daddy's at a choir concert. wait. wait. wait. BEEN WAITING FOR HOURS.
LAST
1. last beverage: wata.
2. last phone call: papi.
3. last instant message: chewed out papi. haha.
4. last time you cried: earlier.
5. last text message: cingular. ha.
FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS:
1. dated someone twice: who cares.
2. been cheated on?: who cares.
3. kissed someone & regretted it?: whote cares.
4. lost someone special?: yes.
5. been depressed: for like a year on and off.
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
1.red
2.grey
3. PURPLE. sike.
IN THE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS HAVE YOU
1. Made a new friend: naaahhh.
2. Fallen out of love: naaaahhh.
3. Laughed till you cried: naaaahh.
4. Met someone who changed your life:
naaahhh.
5. Found out who your true friends were: i knew already.
6. Is there something you want to tell someone?: yeah, i love him.
8. How many people on your top friends do you know in real life? all of 'em.
9. How many kids do you want to have? 2-4.
10. Do you have any pets? a shit su.
11. Do you wanna change your name? naaahh.
12. What did you do for your last XMAS? opened presents under our 12 foot christmas tree.
13. What time did you wake up today? 7 something 'cause my stiff neck woke me.
14. What were you doing at midnight yesterday night? talking nonsense to papi.
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for? graduation. i'm over high school.
16. Last time you saw your father? couple of minutes ago. he told me he was proud of me fro my 4.0 gpa. thank you very much.
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? not a damn thing.
18. What are you listening to right now? the sounds from the tv.
19. Have you ever talked to Tom?: no, but i'd like to.
21. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back? duh. if i haven't said it to their face already, i would.
22. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone? papi's C-SHIRT. HAHAHA.
23. Who's getting on your nerves right now? papi 'cause he's gone in my time of NEED.
24. Most visited webpage? yahoo.
25. Coke or Pepsi? don't do soda.
26. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? every motherfuckin' day.
the 18 years that i've lived in san jose, i've gone through things that people don't go through in a lifetime. thinking about the 18 years that i've lived in san jose, it takes awhile for me to think of a good memory i had. people ask me why am i moving? the honest answer is...
this city has never given me a reason to stay. my family is going to move. my friends are going to move. what reason do i have to stay? there's nothing left here for me.
except for one person. and that person has always been the person who provoked me to always rethink things. no matter what relationship i was in, no matter how many guys i was pulling, i always thought back to this person and the thought of if i was threatening the possibility of ever being with him, even though i thought i knew it would never happen. well, it happened.
moving to sacramento has become one of the hardest things i've ever had to endure. as much as it's in my mind, heart, and soul that i need to get the hell out of here, there's still that one thing that's holding me back. of course, i'm not going to alter my whole plan in life in order to stay. but you have to imagine being totally in love, giving your all into this relationship, spending 3 years physically and emotionally with this person, and then having to leave him. there's times when i search for a reason to pick fights with him or a reason to let him go so that we don't have to go through as much pain when i leave. but as the day gets closer, it gets 20 times harder.
i don't do a lot of things wrong in this relationship. actually, according to him, i never do anything wrong. all of our fights have been his fault. all of our fights have resulted from a lack of consideration, trust, honesty, respect, you name it. i've always been right. i always make my case. but one of the things that eats me up inside is that i'm going to be wrong; that this is the first bad thing that i'm doing in this relationship; that I'M making this relationship worse. i've put so much into this, worked so hard, dedicated my all, and I'M the one that's fucking things up. it's a harsh reality; and as strong as some people think i am, i don't know how i'm going to get through this.
SIDENOTE: i don't put myself out on xanga for people to judge me, although i know they will. i put this out here because there's people that read this and think they "know" me and my goal is to make them realize they don't. again, this is a self-preservation kind of thing. i could give a fuck less what people think of me because 98% of the people who read this, i will never see again after the first weeks of june. no offense; it's reality.
look, whoever reads this. i'm going to ask you to rid all your of your assumptions, all of your judgments. i'm sure there's people out there who are rooting for us and people out there who don't think we're going to make it. i'll try and articulate myself clearly and precisely so there's no dark areas because honestly i'm tired of being shut in the dark.
being in the relationship i'm in, i'm automaticallly deemed as the bad guy because he's the good guy, always. and don't get me wrong. this is one of the reasons why i love him. he's the total opposite of me. people out there find any reason they can to hate me, and people find it hard to find a reason to hate him. he's nice, polite, courteous, talks to anybody, says hello to every person he sees. he's just the typical nice guy, i.e. correy matthews. and anybody who knows me even a little knows that i don't give a fuck. if i could, i'd punch every person who has ever said anything bad about me or anybody i love HARD. i have an intimidating demeanor when i want to have one and i keep myself sheltered off. so when coming to making assumptions about our relationship, i'm always singled out as the bad guy.
well, i'm sorry to break it to you. i've worked too hard in this to be getting those dirty looks when everyone sees him sad. i'm tired of being the fucking enemy because i'm far from it. i keep this relationship going. when you see us around, and he's laughing or smiling THAT'S ME. when you see him sad or me crying THAT'S HIM, always. and i just wanted to make a couple things clear, I'M THE HERO. I'M THE NICE GUY. I'M FUCKING COREY MATTHEWS. i don't deserve half the shit i get from people, from him. i'm tired of being sheltered in. i'm coming out of the dark. so if you're reading this, i just want to thank you.
and if you're thinking "damn, they're dysfunctional." it's not like that. every couple fights. every couple has bad times. it's not always good. especially when you've been with each other for a long time. period. when it's good between us, it's GOOD, PERFECT. but when it's bad, it gets to be the worst. and maybe that isn't right. maybe there should be grey areas, but there's not. and i deal it with it. not you, you, you, or you. i'm not putting this out in the public for people to feel sorry for me. trust me, i have enough pity for myself. it's more of a self-preservation thing. but no matter what, there are only TWO people in this relationship. and those TWO people are the only ones that are going to affect it. period.
so lately, my therapy has been musiq soulchild. the song is from is his new album. and this song means alot because this is basically the situation. it's called "teach me". and yes, i'm trying to teach him. and i won't stop until he can't learn from me anymore. there's one particular line that i'll bold that really hits home. no one else has ever loved him like i do to put up with half the shit i put up with. and no one else will. i've never given up on him despite all the times i've been hurt. i've never turned my back on him. and honestly, i don't plan on it.
I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work til you die
Got to provide
Always be the rock for my fam
Protect them by all means
And give you the things that you need, baby
Our relationship is suffering
Tryna give you what I never had
You say I don’t know how to love you, babe
Well, I say show me the way
I keep my feelings deep inside
I shadow them with my pride
I’m trying desperately,
Baby, just work with me
Teach me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me
Show me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me how to love
I was always taught to be strong
Never let them think you care at all
Let no one get close to me
Before you and me
I done shared things with you girl about my past that I’d never tell
To anyone else
Just keep it to myself
Girl I know I like affection and expressing my feelings
It took me a minute to come and admit this
But see I’m really trying to change now
Wanna love you better, show me how
I’m trying desperately
Baby, please work with me
Teach me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me
Show me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me how to love
Ain’t nobody ever took the time to try to teach me what love was but you
And I ain’t never trust no one enough to let them tell me what to do
Teach me really how to show it and
Show me how to really love you baby
Teach me, please just show me, yeah
Cuz I’m willing to let go of my fits
Girl, I’m serious about all that I said
Girl, I want to love you with all of heart
Baby, show me where to start
Teach me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me
Show me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart
Girl, I’m so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me how to love
Teach me how to love you baby
Girl, just teach how to love you better
You know I wanna love you better, girl
