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| Spinning: Iremember- Keyshiacole
Thinking: Time is not what you have a lot of right now..
Feeling: Maybe it's time for a change and a move..
So on facebook, my horoscope says, "Communicating clearly will pay off, so make sure you take the time to express exactly what you mean.." It's so crazy scary how my horoscopes have been freakishly ironic and true.. Song explains how i exactly feel.. I understand i've done my fair share of breaking the relationship down back in the day with the constant arguing and fightts.. But everything i did/do have reasoning behind it. Everything's been building up, that i don't know if i can deal and/or bear anything else happening between us. Love just doesn't seem enough anymore. I don't smile anymore in your presence. Eugene just isn't your name anymore. I rarely say I love you anymore.. The thought of you just doesn't cross my mind every second anymore.. It's like my love for you is deteriorating away.. All the times i've cried, the fact you chose a girl you claimed to not like anymore over me, the numerous times you've wanted to break up, the lashings, the unreasonable actions, the excuses, the lies, the entire last year (2007), the pain...
Sigh*.. Other than my mental health, everything else has been. UGHS. School will start again tomorrow. I am not excited for it.. I really just look forward to work nowadays. Even though it can be stressful as well, i love the people there. Sorta not really. "Think like a playa so you don't get played like a bitch." I've got hit on by two guests the four times i've worked. Co-workers are lovely :] Especially the guys. I haven't met one mean guy yet. But hey, i'm the youngest girl, who knows. Going to get dressed soon and go workout with Coach Michelle. Get some hitting in. 5:30-5:45. About an hour probably. Then get home, hopefully get some homework done :[ Tomorrow is Ozzie's birthday. Didn't get him anything.. Or made anything. Just don't have any money right now.. And didn't think of anything to make. Ughs.. I just don't know about what i want anymore :| Ok, I'm out.. P'z. | | |
| Spinning: Putthatwomanfirst- Jaheim
Thinking: I've grown so tiresome of his ways..
Feeling: Lost, confused, indecisive, torn in between two..
So, i was went to Metreon to hang out with Allah.. Got there around 3ish. Luckily!.. Found out i had work from 4:30-11:30pm... SHIT.... Online schedule said i wasn't working.. at all. And now i'm working tomorrow, or well today, Sunday, from 2-9pm. Better get a chunky asss first check.. FUCK. What 4days of training about 15hrs. 10hrs last week. Plus 2.5 overtime. And 7hrs today. 7hrs tomorrow. Total uh... 15 + 12.5 + 14. Lol. 41.5hrs? Haha. Sure. 408.57? Bitches pay me that overtime. I don't even know when checks come out. But anywaysss. Tournamet sucked. Team is wack. Lost all three games. Reminds me of the summer. Errors, yes. Cost us all 3 games. Thought our team was better than that.. Guess not. AMC co-workers are HILARIOUS. love itt. Hahhahaha.... Don't feeel like writing sooo yes. Check it later. Over and out. | | |
| Spinning: Intruderalert- Lupefiasco
Thinking: Where am i going after high school?..
Feeling: Melancholy/Emotional/Lost
I understand that where i go to college isn't going to determine the rest of my life, but it'll impact what my mom thinks of me drastically. I don't want her to think i'm a fuck up like my brother.. Shit. I wanna leave the city and go to a nice UC or CSU to experience the real college life.. But it's like, i don't know what i wanna do, so i wanna stick around and go to CSM if i'm still with Eugene.. But it's like i'm using me not knowing what i wanna do as an excuse cos i wanna be with Ozzie and i don't wanna base my decision on him.. I wanna do what's best for me and where i could Possibly continue playing softball. I love it and all, but it gets so tiresome sometimes. With all the practices.. I don't know. I honestly do not believe i did too fly at all first quarter, which is going to fuck me up. So far, i've been rejected by 2 of the 9 school i've applied to. And i've never sent out transcripts.. Well, i don't know what the f/ck i'm doing with my life.. Can i just drop out now or something? Appeal if i even continue going to school, jeez lou weez. Life is so hard. I know i don't want it to be handed to me on a silver platter but it gets so exhausting, like i'm in my last round and i'm about to drop.. Sigh*.. Well, other than schoool and softball. Mom has been pretty supportive of me regardless of all the dumb sh/t i've done. Sigh* I wish i could just make her proud and leave to go to a UC.. That's all she wants.. To know i've succeeded and for her to believe she's raised me up right.. Blah, well.. Work. Now at the Metreon; AMC. Real chill. People are coool. Like a bunch of ghetto kids. A lot of them at least. The guys are hilarious. The girls are nice. Well, most. Can i not get stared at tho? Please &thanks. --- You slippping hardddd, step yo' game up. *DOUBLELAYYE
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| Spinning: Neverreallywas- Mariowinans
Feeling: Stressed, melancholy, depressed.
Thinking: Why can the good never outweight the bad?
Everything is getting so stressful.. I want my relationship with Ozzie to work out, but no matter what i do, love is just not enough anymore.. How things have changed so much.. I used to call him Eugene. And only Ozzie when people asked, "what's your boyfriend's name?" -- Things have changed tho. People call him Eugene. It's not "my name" for him anymore. Guess it doesn't matter to him anymore. It's like, he's half my trouble. Him and then school. Family comes after. That BECAUSE, everything that occurs within the family, results from something involving either Ozzie or school. I know i'm smart. Everyone knows it. Teachers know it. Counselors know it. I don't know why, last day of last semester, Mr. Fisher said to me, Anna wait, i want to talk to you. So he talks to me, and only me. And he says to me, I want you to stay outta trouble and do good. I want you to graduate. It's just surprising. I mean, i know i'm not doing bad in his class. Why the talk?.. And Mr. Sinn. The only class i failed. I came outta it with a F.. I didn't even try to fail. Even daffner gave me a D. And i never went.. I need a c tho. But a d will have to do i guess.. No more time. I'm running out of it.. I didn't cut as much. And i start to do so much work. But i guess trying is never enough. You either get it done, or Not. Mr. Sinn said to me, "Anna i know you're a smart student. Someone with potential. You always seem to do fine in the first quarter but then you get lazy and stop doing the work. And you'd occasionally get mad at me. And pout in class and talk to no one. I don't know what was going on. You would just come to class, and not talk to anyone. You could've been an A student. But everytime you don't get it, you'd get mad at the material." I forgot what else he said, but he pretty hit it on the nail. He also said something about how i don't know how to react with defeat or something like that.. It's so sad.. 'Cos i don't know how to react to failure.. I'm not good with letting myself down.. The greatest defeat.. Upset. To disappoint yourself. I know i'm better than where i'm at now. Borderline of not graduating on time.. | | |
| Spinning: Teachme- Musiq Soulchild
Feeling: Unappreciated, Unloved, Second-best.
Thinking: If i could just have less of a heart, careless, love less. And cheat. Why settle down? Why put everything aside? -- For a Boy.
You know what, people have a tendency to act irrational when angered. Why can't I? Why can't i just love him a little less and care a lot less and keep it moving? A girl said to me once, one guy slows you down. I mean, shit. I'm only 17, about to turn 18. What the fuck in my right mind makes me think i'ma settle down for the first guy i dated, NOW!? No fucking clue. Feeling like shit constantly. Crying every now and then. Happyness is not this. I want to be happy. I want to be cared for. I want to be treated like a princesss. I want to just.... see that's the problem after i met this fella, i don't know anything anymore.. I have no clue what so ever regarding what i want in life anymore.. He's got me fucked over.. Pushed so many people out of my life. Choose him over others. A priority over others, the first. But what am i? I don't know, but i feel like an option..
Second thoughts. I always thought about why am i even settling down or staying with someone who's not exactly "worthy" or worth my time.. I understand i may love him.. But is love truely enough?.. I used to think it was. But if i can't get the time, or the truth. What's the point? I used to just believe, i love him, he's the one, love of my life. Sigh*.. I mean, i still love him.. But what if i'm just scared of the outside world? What if i'm just still with him.. because.. he's my comfort zone.. Because i'm already so comfortable with him.. Sigh*.. I love him. He loves me, so i believe.. But is that truely enough, IF, i'm still crying my eyes out every so often and not smiling like i used to?.. The LOVE is not what it used to be.. I want it back.. | | |
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