just breathe

breathe in.
breathe out.

breathe in.
breathe out.

it's getting to be too much.
but i can't give up.
not yet.
no.
wait.
i won't give up.
never.
i made a promise.
it's just so hard.
i don't understand why right now.
at the moment, i can't stand my guts.
sometimes i just want to be separated,
soul from body.
why am i so frustrated with myself.
why can't i be motivated.
i want to want this.
i want to want this badly.
i need to stay in.
i need to know why.
i can't stop asking questions.
what is wrong with me.
what is wrong.
why can't i kick myself and work.
i want to cry.
who is this girl i see?
staring straight back at me...

i don't even know anymore.
i don't even know...

i will work.
i can do this.
i believe in myself.
i know you do too.
i am going to work NOW.
(after i make myself a nice hot cup of warm virgin bailey's mint chocolate that is)

fin.

much postponed update

it's been over 2 months since i've last posted. how sad. then again, school doesn't really allow for much free time does it? so much work to do in engineering that sometimes i wonder what i'm doing here in the first place. but i'm here for a reason or else the pieces wouldn't have fallen into place as easily as they did. aside from all the work, i love it here. just being downtown with my new COOL engineering buddies (a.k.a. MANcandy) and rediscovering myself. the campus is huge yet beautiful (though i don't have the pleasure of admiring its architecture when i'm running to class trying to make it on time). i swear, all my friends are so similar to me....smart, crazy, fun, loves to eat, asian, musical (some), artsy (some), fashionable, loves to shop, chill...etc etc. love it!!

i will add more later :)

in brief

...........................work
..............play..............
work...........................
................LAUGH........
..........work.................
sleep..........................
...............chores.........
.........eat.....eat......eat
...takepictures..............
....................work.......
.......work....................
..........................work
...............sleep..........
play...........................
.........drinkcoffee..........

that's basically my schedule in a nutshell. yeahh, i don't eat or sleep much, but that's okay. really.

today i had lunch with Charles and Matt Luey, just catching up and going over songs and stuff. it was pretty fun. random, deep, heartfelt etc. after, Charles and I just toyed around with the guitar and piano while he was giving me tips for songwriting. then we decided to stop in and say "hi" to Daniel and ended up talking for over an hour or so...which later ended up in me being late for work. but all in all, it was nice just to talk, catch up and learn a bit from them oldies. (apparently they like to make fun of me being such a "young'n". just cuz they're ...10+ years older than me. that doesn't make me a baby!! ) ahahaha. it's all jokes. and i'm like their kid sister so it's really nice to be the younger one, taking in all the wisdom and knowledge they pass down to me. i'm glad to have friends/mentors like them! :)

on another note, i'm somewhat confused, or just over emotional due to the monthly hormonal rage of things (a.k.a. PMS). at the moment, a week seems like a long time, but i think i've held out longer than that. oh well, it's just me being somewhat fickle. hopefully i'll hear back soon and i'll just be patient like i always am.

what's love...? (part 2)

like i said before, i'm sorry for the inconsistency of my posts. i've been very busy with work, extra curricular activities, quality time with friends and family that it's hard to have a consistent blog schedule. anyway aside from all the busyness, i still have time to think and reflect and discover (crazy, isn't it!). but it's true. i remember talking to Yang on the phone, trying to make sense of the jumbled thoughts on this topic while attempting to explain where i was getting at, at the same time. most of it was, "i dunno"s or "i think"s or "i guess"s. it's funny how at 1am in the morning as i'm laying in bed about to fall asleep, everything makes perfect sense, but when it's mid-afternoon and i'm fully awake, i can't even get my thoughts to be comprehensible? hopefully this post will be less confusing and maybe even "enlightening". cheers and enjoy :)

love.
it's something that's in great abundance, yet never seen enough.
just like the fresh water in this world...so much of it is inaccessible.
something i realized was that people honestly don't love themselves enough.
no, i'm not talking about being narcissist, but i'm talking about actually loving themselves for who they truly are - as a perfect design by the perfect Creator
how many people are out there who hate something about themselves?
i won't lie. there are definately things i wish i could change about myself.
and then, there are people who go to the extreme where they will have surgery in order to have something they don't already.
fact is, we don't love ourselves enough.
the world constantly tells us that we're no good,
that we should change ourselves to be someone else
that we don't meet the standards.
and we listen and fall into that trap.
i dare you...
...i dare you to fine 10...no 50 things about yourself that you love.
i dare you to start to love yourself the way God made you.
i dare you to appreciate what you already have and to stop wishing you were _______er or like _________
because...
it is only until we love ourselves that we can love others even better.
"Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."
and
"Love your neighbour as yourself."
how can we love our neighbour if we don't love ourself.
if we are always so critical and never satistfied, how much more critical will we be of others?
how quick to judge are we really?
think about it.
do you love yourself enough to take care of your body?
or do you love the "what-could-be" you and listen to the world?
do you love yourself enough to push yourself to to your best?
or do you buy into the lies of others that tell you you can't do it?

love JESUS
love OTHERS
love YOURSELF.

if you can't do that, you will never find the true meaning of joy.
that's the ranking love should be portioned to.
the most to Jesus, then to others and then to yourself.
if you love yourself for who you are (and not in a narcissist way), how much more can you love others?
and how much more will you love God?

fall in love with God.
don't diss Him by not loving yourself.
He was the One who made you.
THINK ABOUT IT.

what's love...

1 CORINTHIANS 13

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Why, you may ask, am I focusing so much on love these days? No, I'm not in love (or not just yet anyway :P), but i'm in Love. Love is so vast, so broad, yet so unified at the same time. I guess I've been focusing on it a lot recently, and it's been my goal to really re-define and re-discover what love is. It's more than a feeling, is more than a word and is beyond just a choice. It's a Person, it's lifestyle, it's beautiful....and it's perfect.

I've realized, love is doing the right thing, even if it means letting down the people closest to you.
It's putting others before yourself and not even hoping to get anything back in return.
Love is doing what's best for the person and not just keeping them happy.
It's risking heartache and pain, but when the outcome is not hurt, it's beyond anything one can imagine.
I've witnessed love to trust again and again, even when the trust has been broken a million and one times before.
Love is willing to face the consequences of looking out for one's betterment.
I want to imitate Love....I want to be a reflector of Love.

I guess there was a situation this week that really led me to these realizations and thus, this "deeper" post. Let's just say there was a conflict of situation and misunderstanding and what I had thought would end up in disaster (due to my horrible pattern of selfish decision making), ended up beautifully. The usual pattern would be: 1) throw a fit due to disappointment (a.k.a. begging and whining to get a different answer), 2) which would result in a huge shouting match, 3) that would then lead to me devising some scheme to get what i wanted OR breaking the bad news to the person and 4) either getting caught, grounded or ditched for good. However, I decided to be the bigger man (or woman in this case) and do the right thing. I put people first, I told it like it was...and I didn't lose anything....well anything big anyway. I'm finally growing up. I'm finally getting my priorities straight. I'm finally making the right decisions.