myPANDAmonium's Xanga

Monday, May 28, 2007

Mon, 28 May 2007 15:10:00 GMT

i'm so lost...it's amazing...it's been 4 years...and i am in the very same spot i was 4 years ago...sometimes...i think it has to be me...

 think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady, 
i don't want nobody to follow me 
'cept maybe you 
i could make you happy, you know
 if you weren't already
 i could do a lot of things
 and i do

too bad you had to have a better half

 she's not really my type 
 but i think you two are forever
 and i hate to say it but you're perfect together
 
 so fuck you
 and your untouchable face
 fuck you
 for existing in the first place
 and who am i 
 that i should be vying for your touch
 who am i 
 bet you can't even tell me that much
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
and don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing

and you are so lame 
you always disappoint me
it's kinda like our running joke
but it's really not funny
i just want you to live up to
the image of you i create
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation 
is i am in love with you 
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
i see you and i'm so unsatisfied
i guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
here to sing to you about how i been done wrong
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing 
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 04:37:10 GMT

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 00:53:01 GMT

our house in Atl...i guess we're really moving now...

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 01:24:23 GMT

Lover I Don't Have To Love Lyrics

I picked you out of a crowd and talked to you
I said I liked your shoes
You said, "Thanks, can I follow you?"
So it's up the stairs and out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name, you asked the time

Now it's two o'clock
The club is closed
We're up the block
Your hands on me; Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth, trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know who else may have been here before

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I'm not sure
I've got the money if you've got the time
You said it feels good
I said, "I'll give a try."

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
And the phone's ringing and the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep... keep singing...

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I've got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need a meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do

Then hurt me... [x10]

Where did the time go?

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 02:52:04 GMT

taking a break from ochem...and decided to break on this blog for the first time since...what a couple months ago...*shrug...things have been ok with me, a lot of things have been going on...a bit overwhelming sometimes, it's hard to think that i am going to be a 3rd year soon...when did this happen? and that i am looking for an apartment with my friends and staying in chicago for the summer...and my home is no longer going to be in STL...when did all of this happen? it's weird to think that my spring break will be one of the last times i can truly call stl my home...from then on...it's chicago...my homebase is chicago...in one way it sounds amazing...but it's also so scary at the same time...it's scary to think that i have come so far...and yet feel like i have nothing to show for it...it's scary to think my group one is going to be split up since the first time since what...forever? jamie is going to be in japan for a year...i'm moving to atl soon...susie is staying in cali...and rachael is off running around saving the world...when did all of this happen? i'm not scared that i would not be in touch with them...somehow...even with all of the distance...i feel even closer to them...cause i know how fortunate i am to find friends like them...i miss them so much sometimes...with the situation current situation with a person i know...i've been thinking about Em a lot lately...i miss her a lot...and sometimes i wonder if i will ever be able to forgive myself for what i had done...and i hope and wish she knows how much guilt i carry around me everyday because of what happened....everytime i listen to r.kelly's i wish song or eat a bit of chocolate i think of her...i guess which is why i have to believe that there is something more to life than this...that someday i'll see her again...maybe...with everything that has been going on with my life, i have so many questions and not many answers...and all i want is some peace and be with the people i love so dearly and work everything out and plan my path...i feel so lost and this is so not like me...what happened to the OCD yuan so was so driven and knew exactly where she was going and how to get there...you would think that the older you got the more you would know and have figured out...but i find that it's quite the opposite...when did all of this happen? and as i sit here in teh reg...and watch the clock tick...i wonder and panic...will i have the time to do everything i want, to get everything done...and yet still find the time for me...with many different people and commitments pulling me in so many directions...i feel so confused and surrounded with so many options and yet no true guidance for my proper path...*sigh...the ochem problem set and mind paper is calling to me...

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 18:48:56 GMT

Ani Difranco - Dilate Lyrics

life used to be life-like

now it's more like showbiz

i wake up in the night

and i don't know where the bathroom is

and i don't know what town i'm in

or what sky i am under

and i wake up in the darkness and i

don't have the will anymore to wonder

everyone has a skeleton

and a closet to keep it in

and your mine

every song has a you

a you that the singer sings to

and you're it this time

baby, you're it this time



when i need to wipe my face

i use the back of my hand

and i like to take up space

just because i can

and i use my dress

to wipe up my drink

i care less and less

what people think

and you are so lame

you always dissapoint me

it's kind of like our running joke

but it's really not funny

and i just want you to live up to

the image of you i create

i see you and i'm so unsatisfied

i see you and i dilate



so i'll walk the plank

and i'll jump with a smile

if i'm gonna go down

i'm gonna do it with style

and you won't see me surrender

you won't hear me confess

'cuz you've left me with nothing

but i've worked with less

and i learn every room long enough

to make it to the door

and then i hear it click shut behind me

and every key works differently

i forget everytime

and forgetting defines me

that's what defines me



when i say you sucked my brain out

the english translation

is i am in love with you

and it is no fun

but i don't use words like love

'cuz words like that don't matter

but don't look so offended

you know, you should be flattered

and i wake up in the night

in some big hotel bed

and my hands grope for the light

and my hands grope for my head

the world is my oyster

the road is my home

and i know that i'm better

off alone

Case of the ex

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 21:44:05 GMT

It's after midnight and shes on you phone (phone)
Sayin'come over cuz shes all alone (lone)
I could tell it was your ex by your tone (tone)
Why is she callin now after so long

Now, what is it that she wants
Tell me what is it that she needs
Did she hear about the brand new benz that you just bought for me
Cuz yall didnt have no kids
Or share no mutual friends
And you told me that she turned trick when yall broke up in 96..

HOOK

Wutcha gon' do when you cant say no
And the feelings start to show boy I really need to know and..
How ya gonna act
How ya gonna handle that
Wutcha gonna do when she wants you back

REPEAT HOOK

There's no need to reminisce bout the past (past)
Obviously cuz that shit did not last (last)
I Know how a woman will try to game you (you)
Don't get caught up because baby, you'll lose

Now what is it that she wants
Tell me what is it that she needs
Did she hear about the brand new Benz that you just bought for me
Cuz yall didnt have no kids
Didnt share no mutual friends
And you told me that she turned trick
When yall broke up in 96..

REPEAT HOOK 3X

Tell me why she on the phone in the middle of the night
Tell me why she is your life trying to get whats mine
She dont know me, shes about to know me
Im in you life thats how its gon' be

I seen her photo, she aint even all that
So if you want her back, you can take her back
Cuz game recognize game, i can do the same thing
Get it right, change or take back this ring

REPEAT HOOK 3X

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 02:34:29 GMT

sooo effffing confused....

Smile - Lily Allen

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 01:15:36 GMT

When you first left me
I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door
What'cha do that for? (What'cha do that for?)

When you first left me
I didnt know what to say
I've never been on my own that way
Just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found the light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and
a moan
And it's only because you are feeling alone

At first when I see you cry
It makes me smile
Yeah it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me
You say that you want me back (Want me back)
And I tell you it don't mean jack (It don't mean jack)
No it don't mean jack (No it don't mean jack)

I couldn't stop laughing
No I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health
I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found the light in the tunnel at the end

Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and
a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry
It makes me smile
Yeah it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile

At first when I see you cry (When I see you cry)
It makes me smile (It makes me smile)
Yeah it makes me smile (Yeah it makes me smile)
At worst I feel bad for a while (I feel bad for a while)
But then I just smile (But then I just smile)
I go ahead and smile (I go ahead and smile)
lalalalalalalalalalalalal

At first when I see you cry (When I see you cry)
It makes me smile (It makes me smile)
Yeah it makes me smile (Yeah it makes me smile)
At worst I feel bad for a while (I feel bad for a while)
But then I just smile (But then I just smile)
I go ahead and smile (I go ahead and smile)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 16:00:06 GMT

i'm bored...come home and save me!!

today to cure my boredom...i'm making pie and making dinner...ooo my future husband would be sooooo proud...*barfing sound...