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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Lead Sails Paper Anchor
    By Atreyu
    Doomsday
    see related

    Oh life...How I love thee..haha.

    A whole weekend ago..i went home. Yup to the one place I used to hate and now I love. I was excited to go but I was expecting drama! But for some reason there was none. NO DRAMA. IT was amazing. I love that weekend. I mean The breakdown would be:
    We got INKED!
    We went to the Beach!
    I saw my mom.
    WE went to a Taste of Chaos!
    We went to downtown Santa Cruz.
    I saw the J's.
    We freaking had a 40 minute goodbye(it was suppose to be like a 5 min one. lol.)
    We Fucking had two BBQ's.
    I had the time of my life. It was amazing. I loved every second of it. And I loved the fact that I was with my family. All those problems I used to complain about seemed far away. There was a little awkwardness though. A certain ex(who by the way is taking a break from married life and crashing at my cuz house) was there all weekend. It was weird but it felt like old times before we freaking went out and broke up. It was just straight out fun! I love it.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Boys Like Girls
    By Boys Like Girls
    Hero/Heroine (Acoustic)
    see related

    I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart..

    ... You want to get inside...Then you can get in line...

    My favorite roommate has decided to move out. I feel so sad..I mean i thought this was
    going to be just another fight in which they would just get over it and be happy..
    I was wrong..
    he decided to move out and all because of her!!!
    i should have known things were going to well in my life to let me enjoy the fact i was happy...
    and on that note.
    Did i mention Ys lied to me..he said he wasn't married ..but when i went
    to his work i saw pictures of him and his wife and kid.
    Imagine that. My life just because one huge soap opera.
    I am sad. Upset. Angry. Confused. Depressed. I dont even know what i feel. I just know
    I want to give up once again. but I am not going to let myself do that.
    I don't understand why Ys lied to me. I mean if you are married don't go out with someone else.
    I haven't talked to him since. I don't plan to either.
    I don't date married men. Nor am I a home wrecker.
    So here I am again where I started from. So I dealt with this by the usual..
    I got a nice scar across my leg. It says Lies...I should really stop doing that. but it just feels better.
    AND I deserved that one. Why? Because I knew I shouldn't have let myself fall.
    I should have let it go or at least stopped myself from getting my hopes up.
     But even before i did my scar.. i got a call and email from Anthony.
    It went along the lines of things i didn't want to talk about.
    I mean i was already having a rough day and for him to call and want to go down memory lane...
    sucked...
     He wanted a favor. And I said that since I wasn't his friend or girlfriend or WIFE!!! I couldn't do it. Then he said "but you were once"
    and i said..
    "You said it yourself..I "WAS.." Its past tense."
    Nothing now. Nothing left.
    After he asked me the hardest question ever: Did you ever love me?
    I don't mean that it was literally hard but it was hard to remember how much i did. I mean how many of you want to talk to the love of your life and say you loved them more than anything else.
    I said yes. I did love him and that he would always have a piece of my heart but I would never let it be more than that. I told him things change and that he is not a part of my life anymore.
    And he will never be. He is a part of the past I always ran from. But I am not running anymore.
    Then told him I needed to go. He said he would see me again..but I hope I don't.
    I would say that I wish he didn't exist or would have never met me. But I would be lying.
    If it wasn't for him. I would be dead or better yet still dead. He made me remember what it was like to live and I really appreciate that.
    I don't understand why he won't leave me alone.

    All this in one day. Can you believe it? I don't know how things are going to go.
    I wish I knew how to deal with this.
    I have always been bad at dealing with shit. Its especially harder when you have no drugs.
    Maybe I will just drink my problems away..but that won't help.
    Oh well. Wish me luck. I am not giving up yet. I am not going down without some sort of fight.

    NOT THIS TIME ANYWAYS.

    Kitty I wish you were here with me dealing with all of this. I know you probably are..
    You are probably rooting for me from up there.
    No one compares to you.  I miss you too much...Its been almost ten years now..
    And everyday I think of you and everyday I miss you more..
    Come back to me!

Sunday, March 02, 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Scream Aim Fire
    By Bullet for My Valentine
    Scream Aim Fire
    see related

    OMG!!

    I love Wars...
    Especially when they don't involve me!


    LOL. Okay So my roommates are fighting with each other and as part of my new year's resolution..which is to say fuck it all!! (meaning i won't get in the middle. lol.) I am not getting involved which means one roommate got annoyed i said talk to her and the other i haven't seen so lets see how that goes...haha. Hey I would rather not be in the middle i have been there enough and the only one screwed is ME! so Yay Me! i am not getting involved. I will sit back and enjoy.. Plus I am sick..I don't want to waste energy on pointless shit! They both had it coming.

    PS. I would like to thank Ys for bringing me back to life! Literally! He brought back in me what I thought I didn't have. It has been so long since i felt this. I just wanted to say thanks!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Live
    By Trapt
    Everything To Loose
    see related

    What to do..

    ...I have smoked a total of way to many cigarettes in the past three days..ugh another habit that needs to go away...you know the funny part is that I hate people who smoke. Stress got to me. I can stop. Almost moving on. Anyways that is not the only thing that makes me depressed. There are so many things that make me depressed the crush thing for one is depressing..i hate having crushes on people because they are so pathetic. I also hate the thought that someone might have a crush on me..why? because I believe that I cause trouble and for someone to like me, means I will cause them trouble and I don't want to make that person suffer. Its so frustrating. Anyways another thing is that I hate when people make me seem like i am beneath them. So lately I have been thinking that I want to go to grad school but my roommate always makes it seem like I can't make it. Like I am not smart enough to do that. She makes it seem like I am stupid. I hate her for that. She thinks she is smarter than anyone. Its what my other roommate and I call the "ME" Factor. There is actually a name for it but eh not that important. Besides I guess I should not take her serious since she is a narcissitic person. I know that being narcissistic is bad but the way she does it just makes it more like pathetic. Sometimes I hate going out with her because if she sees someone that is ugly she insults them right there and then. Not to their face but makes a comment to whoever is with her. For being the smartest person she is pretty stupid. Another thing that makes me sad is I keep having nightmares about something that happened in my past. It's so frustrating because they won't go away. I wish that they would not be there. I wish I could move on. I am even afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid this will affect me more than I thought possible. Its frustrating to believe that after so long the nightmares are still coming back. Why doesn't he suffer? Why does it have to be me? Why?

    Moving on to some happy things. Okay so I feel alive and happy. I have a new crush and someone I really like. I see him everyday. He has an amazing smile and gorgeous eyes. By gorgeous eyes i mean he is one of the few that challenges my eye contact. Usually guys don't keep it but he does. And wow its pretty fucking amazing. But then it makes me depressed because I know he is someone I will never have. Someone that I cannot touch. However he makes it so hard to look away and to ignore him. It makes me believe that something is there but he is that one person that is off limits and I know it. But that makes it way more exciting!! I hate life. haha.

    Anyways I will write back later. I need to do some homework to take my mind off things. Another night of no sleep. Great....!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

  • Currently Listening
    Defecto Perfecto
    By División Minúscula
    Songnare
    see related

    I Love It!

    I'm alive..I am alive...I'm alive...I am alive...I'm alive...

    I like the sound of that. What do you think?? Did I mention I have a crush on someone!! A crush..you know..the feeling you get when you have butterflies in your stomach they make you happy kind of thing. Yup I actually have one of those. Funny thing is..I never had it when i was around T...At least i had it in the beginning once i think but then once we started dating it faded. Its been three weeks and the amazing feeling has not gone away. I love it. I am happy. I am alive..

myheroeslive

  • Visit myheroeslive's Xanga Site
    • Name: Lucy
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 11/30/2007

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About Me

  • College Student. Health Education Major. Loves all Rock Music. Reality seems to be too harsh so I avoid it as much as I can although that never truly works. But that is why they invented drugs, alcohol and knives. haha. Can you tell I have issues?

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