... You want to get inside...Then you can get in line...

My favorite roommate has decided to move out. I feel so sad..I mean i thought this was
going to be just another fight in which they would just get over it and be happy..
I was wrong..
he decided to move out and all because of her!!!
i should have known things were going to well in my life to let me enjoy the fact i was happy...
and on that note.
Did i mention Ys lied to me..he said he wasn't married ..but when i went
to his work i saw pictures of him and his wife and kid.
Imagine that. My life just because one huge soap opera.
I am sad. Upset. Angry. Confused. Depressed. I dont even know what i feel. I just know
I want to give up once again. but I am not going to let myself do that.
I don't understand why Ys lied to me. I mean if you are married don't go out with someone else.
I haven't talked to him since. I don't plan to either.
I don't date married men. Nor am I a home wrecker.
So here I am again where I started from. So I dealt with this by the usual..
I got a nice scar across my leg. It says Lies...I should really stop doing that. but it just feels better.
AND I deserved that one. Why? Because I knew I shouldn't have let myself fall.
I should have let it go or at least stopped myself from getting my hopes up.
 But even before i did my scar.. i got a call and email from Anthony.
It went along the lines of things i didn't want to talk about.
I mean i was already having a rough day and for him to call and want to go down memory lane...
sucked...
 He wanted a favor. And I said that since I wasn't his friend or girlfriend or WIFE!!! I couldn't do it. Then he said "but you were once"
and i said..
"You said it yourself..I "WAS.." Its past tense."
Nothing now. Nothing left.
After he asked me the hardest question ever: Did you ever love me?
I don't mean that it was literally hard but it was hard to remember how much i did. I mean how many of you want to talk to the love of your life and say you loved them more than anything else.
I said yes. I did love him and that he would always have a piece of my heart but I would never let it be more than that. I told him things change and that he is not a part of my life anymore.
And he will never be. He is a part of the past I always ran from. But I am not running anymore.
Then told him I needed to go. He said he would see me again..but I hope I don't.
I would say that I wish he didn't exist or would have never met me. But I would be lying.
If it wasn't for him. I would be dead or better yet still dead. He made me remember what it was like to live and I really appreciate that.
I don't understand why he won't leave me alone.

All this in one day. Can you believe it? I don't know how things are going to go.
I wish I knew how to deal with this.
I have always been bad at dealing with shit. Its especially harder when you have no drugs.
Maybe I will just drink my problems away..but that won't help.
Oh well. Wish me luck. I am not giving up yet. I am not going down without some sort of fight.

NOT THIS TIME ANYWAYS.

Kitty I wish you were here with me dealing with all of this. I know you probably are..
You are probably rooting for me from up there.
No one compares to you.  I miss you too much...Its been almost ten years now..
And everyday I think of you and everyday I miss you more..
Come back to me!