So i seems to me that i have become someone who is looked at as being in-sincere….

I had believed that i had always been upfront and open to everyone. unless of course i was in trouble, but that’s kind of a given for anyone. Have i always been looked at that way? Have i been just using Dillon for rides home? I myself am pretty sure i have not. Dillon on the other hand thinks so…. Being that Sam thought so as well puts me in a mental tizzy…. Do i give the impression that i don’t care about my friends? Because i do care more than they think if that is the case. I mean why would i do anything for them if i didn’t want to? I have no clue what i’m doing wrong. I also think that is why I can’t actually date someone for more than a month or so…. I mean when Phil just disappeared I was pretty hurt. I said all these pretty lies about how i should depend on him and that we would be together, which i finally wanted to believe. I gave in and wanted to be with him  and at the same time i know i am willful and was trying to keep it in check. Who would have thought the one day i tried to go after it would be the last day i see him. He probably just thought i as trying to get in his pants if i am following this trend correctly. 

I don’t know. I’m just coming up with theories just because i have no idea what to do. how do i change it? what am i doing in the first place that would make them think that? I really have no clue. i have just been dragging around since i found that out. I’ve been a little depressed. it hurts that i didn’t realize that my friendship with other people is viewed as something so shallow…. I know its probably because they don’t know me that well or because of my random mood swings, but i want them to know that i care for them. How to convey that properly is probably the problem. I can’t do anything fancy…. I don’t have a car so i can’t invite them somewhere and have them show up. That could make it seem that i’m just using them again.

Then there is the question of how am i going to keep them as good friends after i move? I am really not good at keeping in contact with anyone. Its not that i don’t think about them, its just that i don’t get around to it. A lot of things end up that way admittedly…. i don’t know… I feel like i have so many things to do and i need to get them done as quickly as possible, but time itself is in my way. I really do end up wishing this day would be over so i can get to the next so i can get my stuff done. Even today, i was simply waiting until 11 pm so i could pay my phone bill. I was bugging myself about it right up until 10:40 pm where i made myself check my account and found the money for the bill was there. Right after that, well currently, I am bugging about my other bill payments. Not to mention how i need to get everything together for work and figure out what hat i can wear so my face doesn’t darken in the sun anymore than it has already. i need another dread wax for my hair but the shipping price is horrible. I need to figure out how i can cancel winder farms grocery delivery as well…. I wonder if Joni is going to be at home next eek so i can visit…. if i can get over there…. I’ll probably feel better when i have a car. Where i also need to get my licence work done…. (lol it feels like if i were to change my personality i would be an uphill battle lol) 

well until next time….

I was just thinking….

If i were a celebrity i would like to show up to the Oscars or any award show in a cosplay outfit! I think it would be awesome! Well depending what anime or video game  i would think it would get me a lot of attention, which is of course what being a celebrity is about. I mean have you ever been a douche to a celebrity? If you have then you know that it messes up their entire game. they want you to like them so they have more fans to buy into their stuff. If one were to use anime and manga they would already tap into an already existing fan base and also draw more attention to the award show. Lady Gaga already did the attention grabber outfits, so i think this notion would be a little overplayed for the jolt of excitement factor….. 

Although maybe if you put up a youtube contest for your outfit, that would be more interesting. I dunno, i think it would make it more interesting for me at least, lol.

Later dayZ ^_^

Today, i was working. I felt good till, like, mid way through my shift. i don’t really know why. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone all of a sudden. They were all in my way and i just had to make it through. So that’s what i did. Although it doesn’t help the friendly service people have come to expect from me, I still did my job flawlessly otherwise. I’m just tired of hearing about issues all over the store and all this other mess. If i didn’t have to be friendly to customers i would love my job. I constantly have to be super happy when i am there or someone is like, “what’s wrong? your off today.” and its like, no i’m just not super happy today. I need to get a job where people don’t know me and start over. I hope when i move i can do that. I still gotta get everything ready…. Credit, car, moving money…. *Sigh* this year is gonna be a big year….

Maybe another thing is that i haven’t been doing anything other than going to work and then going home to sleep. I haven’t really let myself get engrossed in a video game in a long time. i try and then i snap myself out of it with a task i need to do and completely turn it off. Writing? I haven’t done that in…..  since last time i posted here. Well publicly  as i did a private one yesterday cause i finally needed to vent. I have been wanting to get back and start writing regularly, but in the end, i end up feeling that its a waste of time or my writing is going to hurt someone’s feelings. I tried to disconnect all the people who actually know me on here so i can just go full blast. there is no way to know if they really are disconnected or not so i just avoid it. maybe i should just do it and see what happens…. i don’t know…. I keep alot of secrets…… I might give it a go one day, we’ll see…

well later then….

Its 2013 now and i still live at my mother’s house….

I disappointed with myself to say the least. At least, though, i know i can make it. i was on track last year till the move to the new house came up. It was one of those moments in life where it was like everything was going too smoothly. something was bound to happen. So i at least made out well by the end of the year i think. Although i think I’m a little down at the moment. My savings accounts are kinda in the red cause i stopped the savings transfers. So i’m letting it go til i can get my bed next month. I’m only halfway worried about leaving it like that but if i want to meet my goal there’s nothing i can do at the moment. so February seems to be the stand up month and from there we shall start counting till i am able to move. I think in reality it will take me 2 years to move comfortably, but i want out as soon as possible! just because its just too loud. i already feel like i am living with roommates. I suppose my heart has already moved out….

that’s all i wanna write at the moment. i’m tired…..

Later…

Okay. So, we have finished moving into our new house. Well more or less. We Haven’t really got everything set up but we do have all of our stuff here. We need a lot of stuff and its not really easy for us to get it. I don’t think mother planned this through all the way. Although, i do love the house! it itself is wonderful. the owner guy didn’t make sure everything was running correctly before he rented to us but i think we’ve got it figured out now. we had to get the air conditioning fixed, the water turned on for the washer, the water system for the kitchen fixed (not as bad as it sounds), and my room needed a cable outlet. But its all worked out fine. No its just putting stuff away and getting things we need. 

I’m still trying to figure out how to save up the money i need. I need at least $600 to get my bed and bike, not to mention the little stuff i need… I’m trying not to use the little i have in my savings but i think i’m going to end up using it. It irritates me because i have been working so hard to save what little is in there. I’ve got to figure out a better savings plan, so that by next year i have way more saved up. I really want to move out when my friend moves, so i can be closer to them. Well, we’ll see what happens on the moving front.

So today i am just getting ready for my walk to work tomorrow. I walk over 2 miles to work now. Its like 2.5 miles according to google maps. it takes me an hour and 30 min to get to work from where i am now. I figure when i get more used to it i will get faster. Plus, once i am able to get on my healthy eating plan, It’ll be better for me with exercising. Then i can lose this gut of mine. Be somewhat skinny for once. Gah, who am i kidding, If i go down a pants size it’ll be a miracle. I wanna have massive caves, good sized thighs, and an ok body in general. Not shooting for anything too great, just something better than what i have. 

Oh i also joined http://www.dropshots.com For my picture and video taking practices. Since I’ve gotten a PlayStation Vita I’ve been going places and taking video. So i want to share that on this blog of mine. I have a lifetime of premium so i might as well use it right? I have to Figure out ho to use it, but so far its much better than the whole xanga photos thingie. I think i’ll use that for my drawings and such. I put the links in the top bar thingy for you to look. 

But Gotta go for now, food is here!^_^

Later DayZ!!!

I’m really lonely right now. I need to be with someone who actually loves me and doesn’t look at me like i’m someone to play with when they are bored. Yes, i am saying i want more than what i have. or don’t have. or whatever…. I want to be able to do nice things for somebody and make plans to do something. I want to be able to cuddle with someone, or just randomly have sex and not wonder if i’m sexy enough or not. 

Meh idk, that’s just what i was thinking anyway…

Later DayZ…

I’m really happy right now. I logged into Xanga today and remembered that i could upload video. so i thought i would just dump some video on here. i tried and i think i failed cause i can’t find it, but, that’s ok. that is only ok because i found my old vacation pics! I thought i had lost those completely!!! I am so happy that i have found them. now i really want to keep posting on Xanga. The fire has been rekindled. I’ll post stuff later ^_^

So i have restarted my live journal site and am thinking about doing some stories on there. So far i kinda want to do my digimon story and That love story i started a while ago. although i don’t know if i am actually going to make it or not yet. I haven’t exercised my mind enough yet. I haven’t read or done anything with any of my stories for a while. I’m really out of practice, and kind of out of touch with what it is to write a story i think. That is why i want to do my Digimon fan fic to start with. Its going to be something that is going to force my to write and draw, since most of the characters are original creations. 

the story is pretty much going to be a prince vs princess kind of thing. The princess and the prince are going to start out on the same side but later in the story the princess will show her true colors and want to form a nation all her own. she is going to be pretty much the leader of digimon who have a dual nature. (ie. chirubimon) For that section i’m going to have to do some research on what digimon have that though. That’s not til the second half though. the first half is going to deal with the prince and how he finds out he isn’t human. What he will do with that situation i have no clue. I have way to many instances in my head about what to do with that so i’ll just see which one pops up while i am writing. 

There are also some stories that i have been thinking about doing. The first is the dual dimensions series. No that is not its official title, nor is it a typical series either. This one has two groups of heroes in tow different series. They are fighting a single enemy and neither knows of the other’s existence till the middle of both series. The name will change then and the two will form into one. Although its going to be a little complicated to do i think. Well, at least for me. since only the enemy is the common entity in the first half of the series, it might be kind of easy if i make the enemy a large group….  hmmm….  Still working on that….

The second is the one about the boy who gets a monstrous power from a demon he frees after he, his friends, and their families get shipwrecked on an island. I already know who the potential love interest is and what half of the situation is but i don’t know what the main problem is yet. It hasn’t come to me…. Its going to be one of those love triangle things. the main character is going to be the guy who is loved by two other people and each of those people do different things in the wake of him getting powers and trying to save them from …..the island?  …..demons?  …..school? i don’t know yet. 

Don’t forget the Scared Angel series. I still have plans for that. its huge in my head, multiple arcs, characters, minor situations. I just need to put it down somewhere. I haven’t yet because i am being paranoid in a way. I really don’t want that one stolen from me. its something i have been mulling over since about middle school. I really don’t want it Taken from me and really blown up and changed til its not mine anymore. I don’t know if it would take off like that but I really want it to be mine…..

Well I’ll stop by again and write something. I kinda want to look up digimon now.

Later DayZ…..

I’m getting kinda tired of doing the same thing over and over. Its like being in a loop. the problem is that i have no money and am not in a good place to even try to branch out. When i think about going out and doing my own thing, i feel that i want to leave everything behind and start from scratch. Just leave friends, family, basically every tie i currently have and just start new. I don’t want to do this endless dance with everyone. I on’t even want to continue the pieces that i have just built up. I want t be free, live the way i want to without having to look over my shoulder and see who is trying to catch me. I don’t want to have to be super happy Omar, who has that one and only emotion. I want to feel everything to its most extreme. Seemingly, life needs you to have one and only emotion. Everyone defines you as that one emotion. They don’t listen to anything else. whatever is on the outer layer of the onion is what everyone expects from you. i want to be me…..

….Its been a long time, myself…..

I’ve been noticing lately how everything is just so freaking expensive. Especially since we are moving….  gotta get a bike, a bed, and some other stuff….  its like the bill of life never ends. At the very least this is still free for me to complain on, lol.