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MysticAura
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Name: Angelina
Country: United States
State: Kentucky
Metro: Louisville
Birthday: 9/19/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: art-self expression,feminism,my doggie-Milano,equal rights,picking up fallen leaves,nature,fantasies,psychology,philosophy,
cartoons,texture
Expertise: "A woman's pain never private, always
seen
I want to close my eyes
I want to cut the wires
I want a day not made for you to see
When you play it back to me, it feels more
like a parody
And that's all I will ever be, it's all I will
ever be
I really don't care about it, I don't care if
it's cold
I really want to be the prettiest wreck
you've seen"
-sleater kinney
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/15/2003
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| good things....just get better.Mysticaura...is mine.
I love it very very much and have almost three years of writing in it. Its almost all about rape venting and hurt sadness and anger. I have been in the same realm with sexual abuse for a very long time. Time and time again...I've tried to "move into a new direction" with my rape vents and writing, but its taken lots of time for me to even notice as months pass, the small changes.
I want to take control and not let past hurt control me. ((Love:I was suprised at your reaction and immediately I thought aww maybe your right.maybe I should wait 100 more days til I got to 1000 or....go just go in another direction with my writing style or at least keep the name mystic to stay connected to my past with the beginning of it and us. I can't say any of those things I thought of are what I feel in my heart...I'd be second guessing myself. That is exactly the point.))
Mysticaura has tried and done very well with following her heart in ways to help me follow mine. She always noticed I take long roads to get to where my heart is going but somehow get there. I look up to her sometimes and flip back to old pages and smile,or get sad or say damn I remember exactly where I was and how I felt on that day.
Ill forever keep her like the child she is....and ill never ever be able to start completely new because she's helped me here. She has been my friend when noone else could listen, or when her only opposition was a blade or knife and some nights both were the only means to help me cope. She was there when she was all I had to cope because maybe what I wanted to say was too embarrassing to talk about or too harsh to express because of anger.
I wrote and wrote and wrote words that got lost in the universe for nearly two years. When deeply repressed emotions and events came back they hit me hard and I didn't even know who I was anymore. She was here reassuring me that I would have a glimmer of an idea oneday and in moments of despair, there will always be room for hope.
Mysticaura knew that somewhere deep inside I never needed any magical being, temple or make believe ritual to help me ultimately regain my hope; but she let me think so. She let me lean on whatever I needed to. Above of all she remained hopeful for me,cheering me on in whatever the days writing was about.
Express with words and release two years of silence.
Two years.
Its been four since I was raped.
Two silent years.
Two years filled with expressing it on mysticaura, on my body,on paper,with paints,or into a friends soul.
I do not remember exactly what month the rape occured but if I'm not mistaken, I do believe it was march 2002.
This honestly did not even occur to me until this very moment after adding two years of silence with two years of rape talk.
I knew when it came the time to move onto the next phase in my healing from this....I'd feel it.
I feel it.
I don't need another year of what I've been doing for myself in my healing from rape.
900 days of mysticaura just so happends to be the perfect number to stop at.
I can and have the strength and determination to be brave and take another step. Where this step will lead doesn't feel as scary as its felt for so long now.
I don't do this enough:
I thank my friends who show all sorts of levels of compassion and attention. You all know who you are and I welcome you with open arms to follow with me at whatever pace you choose in my next xanga. You are all angels for comments that range from long heart felt messages to not knowing how to express how you feel but saying It all to me by simply leaving a =). Peace and many blessings to you in this life always.
Love, I thank you for seeing my inner light through depression as well as my laughter and just being....love. Seasons change but I still believe. And yes I prenteded to sing that last part. ^_^
You would think I was quitting xanga all together. No sillies. I just take somethings very seriously. This is me. This has always been me trying to help myself so that in return I can help you as best as I can by letting you know that you are not alone.
Mysticaura was always me, being open, and always trying to figure out who I was and where I wanted to go.
I figured it would be hard for me to start a new xanga without having some of the same elements as mysticaura has. So... of course I will still have mysticaura's esscence but am definately going in a new direction.A much more positive direction for myself and those around me,here there and across.
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| I don't remember the music to this one...not a favorite inuyasha theme song but the lyrics are fitting for the past few days...
Song:
I Am
hitomi
released: 10/24/2000
episodes: 35 - 64
JAPANESE
Sagasou yume no kakera hiroi atsume
Setsunakutemo ima nara sagaseru darou
Mekurumeku manichi no katachi kaete
Setsunakutemo tashika na ima o kanji you
Mikake yori mo tanjun de
Dakedo tsutae kirenakute
Iitai koto wa itsumo
Poketto ni shimatteru ne
Kodomo jimita koto nante
Ima sara ienai
Toki ga kaiketsu suru toka iu kedo
Wakariaezu ni
Ni-juu-yo jikan kimi o shinjiteru yo
Mitsumeteru yo arifureta kotoba demo
Toki wa itsumo isogi ashi de warau
Omoide yori motometai
Ima o mitsukeyou
Ugokidasanakya hajimannai
Nayamidasu to tomerannai
Hito yo kagiri no yume ni
Amaete itaku wa nai shi
Otome chikkuna negai mo
Sono mama okisari
Ai ga subete sa bokura no jidai wa
Koko kara hajimaru
Sora o tsukinuketeku tori mitai ni ne
Oosora mau imeeji ga ugokidasu
Arukou michi wa tooku tsuzuku keredo
Itsu no ma ni ka kagayakidasu daiyamondo
Ni-juu-yo jikan kimi o shinjiteru yo
Mitsumeteru yo Arifureta kotoba demo
Toki wa itsumo isogi ashi de warau
Omoide yori motometai
Ima o mitsukeyou
Sagasou yume no kakera hiroi atsume
Setsunakute mo ima nara sagaseru darou
Mekuru meku mainaichi no katachi kaete
Setsunakute mo tashikana ima o kanjiyou
ENGLISH
Seeking and gathering the vast fragments of a dream,
Searching for them now, even though it hurts.
The shape of every dazzling day changes,
And even though it hurts, feel the certainty of now.
It's simpler than it looks,
But I couldn't say it,
What I wanted to say
Was shut in my pocket.
Now I can't say
Childish things.
Things like "Time will do it," but
There's still misunderstandings.
I'll believe in you all day,
I'll watch you, but the words are trite.
Time always sneaks up and laughs,
I want to look for more than memories
And find the present.
Unless I move, I can't start,
If the worries come, I can't stop.
I won't take advantage of
Dreams throughout the night.
The little girl-like wishes
Get left behind as they are,
Love is everything, as our time
Begins from here.
Breaking through the sky like a bird,
A dancing image moving about in the great sky,
The path I'm walking along is long but,
Eventually it will be a glittering diamond.
I'll believe in you all day,
I'll watch you, but the words are trite.
Time always sneaks up and laughs,
I want to look for more than memories
And find the present.
Seeking and gathering the vast fragments of a dream,
Searching for them now, even though it hurts.
The shape of every dazzling day changes,
And even though it hurts, feel the certainty of now.
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| enjoy it while it lasts...Thoughts of a man who inspires me everyday:
A spirit that has no past, lives in the present.
This is possible.
I long to see through that spirit's visions of what is here now...so that I can learn to enjoy the moment more in full and lower my expectations of what's to come.
Through this spirit's visions, I can learn to Let go for myself and cut the tail of painful past hurt so that my soul can heal much easier with
Less weight
Less excuses.
Its time to take control.
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| swimming in luke warm waterI'm starting to believe in this more or
I'm starting to be able to believe in this more.
Either way....I'm believing.
"Ill walk a thousand lonely miles. Ill start a new life on my own. Don't know what I'm waiting for,but when it comes,you know that ill be ready...a whole new
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.
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.
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WOMAN"
Believing and keeping a
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