Currently Reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye By Joshua Harris see related

A Noncommittal Reaction to the Courtship Movement

Today, I want to share my latest thoughts on the matter of courtship.  I realize that there are all kinds of people who may come across my blog, and this word has unfortunately become a catch all word to describe all sorts of things.  I’ll talk about the different interpretations about it, and what I think about each one.

Probably the most common use of the term is simply another name for dating, albeit an “old fashioned” one.  This was how I knew it for much of my life.  I was unfamiliar with the new applications of this term prior to my own marriage.  I consider myself fortunate to have come through the “dating” scene unscathed, for a couple of important reasons.  One, my parents taught me well.  They didn’t make rules that I had to wonder the purpose of.  They talked to me about the why’s.  As a result, the other reason is that I was encouraged to develop, and did, very conservative dating standards.  I knew that if I wasn’t careful, I would be strongly tempted to do some things I didn’t intend to do.  In the end, my experience was much like an early courtship one, in spite of the fact that I didn’t know the term and didn’t aspire to do “courtship.”

The problem is that my experience isn’t the common one.  Too many people out there have sad stories of bad experiences in the dating scene.  It isn’t just easy to get involved physically with the person you are dating, it is presumed and even expected.  It seems as though literally everyone is “doing it,” thinks it is great, and many Christian young people find it all too easy to join in.  Then things go wrong, and they greatly regret it.  Even if a person only gets involved with the person s/he later marries, Christians can really come to regret taking too soon what didn’t belong to them.  It wasn’t pleasing to God; thus, for someone desiring to please Him, it ultimately doesn’t please them, either (even if it did in the heat of the moment). 

How can we reverse this trend?  How can we end up with fewer casualties of morality in the dating scene?  That is what caused the buzz about courtship.  It began as an alternative to dating.  You wait until you are ready to get married to begin a relationship, and you enter into it for the purpose of finding a life partner.  This isn’t casual or “just for fun.”  This is only to find a marriage partner.  Most courting couples would also seek the oversight of their parents, keeping them accountable for purity, if nothing else.  Many times, the time they spend together is spent with their families.  One of the earliest proponents of this was Joshua Harris, author of the book noted above. 

Harris’ book came out after I was already married, but curiosity led me to read it, and I found a lot there that I agreed with.  I was pleased that, though I didn’t set out to do “courtship,” my end result was much like what Harris encouraged striving for.  I thought the idea was wise; this was something any Christian young person should strive for. 

Unfortunately, courtship has continued to develop.  People kept trying to improve on Harris’ ideas.  And, unfortunately, not every couple that starts “courting” discovers that the other person is what s/he thought that person was.  Rather than finding marriage material, even one committed to courtship could end up with a broken heart. 

It seems that many, perhaps even the majority of contemporary courtship proponents think that a broken heart is the ultimate tragedy that must, at all cost, be avoided.  Many of the current courtship advocates seem to almost be proposing a return to arranged marriages.  Some actually discourage the development of any romantic feelings at all!

A significant number of courtship advocates are homeschoolers.  Some of these people have adopted some very rigidly defined roles for men and women that must never be crossed.  These people look at the cultural habits in New Testament times as the model for how we should behave in the present times.  Women should not pursue a higher education; in fact, they should continue living under their father’s roof until a suitable husband enters the scene.  Only once she is married is she allowed to move out of her father’s home, and into the care of her husband.  She and her husband must never even entertain the thought of her working outside the home. 

Joshua Harris, I think, had some great ideas.  But these more extreme versions of courtship are bad news, in my assessment, and blind to the realities of contemporary life in the United States – or even elsewhere.  Some of these can get so extreme it is scary.  I’ve actually heard the idea suggested that parents should not help their daughters get drivers licences.  Instead, they should wait and let her future husband make the decision about whether she needs one! 

There is actually a new movement out there, too.  For those who think that courtship is too risky, you can always go the route of a betrothal!  I suppose having a more Biblical term makes it a more Godly choice.  The couple goes from being friends to being engaged, and this engagement involves a commitment.  It is supposed to be as binding as marriage.  This is very, very much like a genuine arranged marriage.   

It is really too bad that a nice term like courtship has been ruined by some very rigid people out there.  And it is downright scary to think of returning to arranged marriages.  I would have to wonder if some of the extreme courtship and betrothal advocates are major control freaks who desire to control their children’s entire futures.  Our children are people – people with the freedom, especially given the culture in which we live – to make choices of their own.  What happens if a girl who has a thirst for knowledge and ambition to serve God as a missionary nurse ends up with parents who think she should not have any education beyond high school, and that she must stay under their roof until Mr. Right arrives?  What if God’s plan is to use her as she is – unmarried?  A girl who loves the Lord in such a rigid environment may end up rebelling against everything.  Is that really what they want to drive their children into?  It is scary stuff.

So those are my thoughts on courtship.  I don’t know if you could say I am for it or against it.  It all depends on what the term means to you.  Tell me that, and then I’ll decide whether or not I actually like it.