the BASICS: people call me:hugO born in: bogota [COLOMBIA] live in: houston, TX [United States] i'll be 20 in: march 07, 2007 i have a penis so i'm a: male
i LIKE: dancing-clubbing and perfoming?? movies-action/adventure, romantic comedies, mistery/horror books-mistery/fiction books music-EVERYTHING!! sports-running, swimming, surfing, biking current obsessions-Harry Potter, Shakira, Postal Service The Used, dancing with strangers, low rise jeans, RUNNING!!
i can HELP YOU W/: - dancing - RUNNING!! - french horn - math
i hate it, that i still miss him. and it's only been a little more than two months and he found someone already.
feeling worthless?? you damn right i am feeling pretty shitty right about now. it wouldn't be so bad if we were friends like he said we'd be... i'm so tired of all this crap, hoping that things will get better when everything just gets more effed up as the days go by.
i need a sign.
something that'll help me think, believe that thiings are bound to get better. SIGHS
takes you back to all the good times, the happy times. before the bitterness and doubt.
truth is i'm not a nice guy, not the type that can say "when you find someone i'll be happy for you, because i know you're happy." and i'll always be jealous of him; because i wish i had someone like you to make me happy i've always wanted more than i've been given... and more has yet to be enough.
i wanna think you're dead to me, but saying it just makes me miss you more
seeing you last night was the hardest thing i've done in a long time. i don't wanna do it again. i don't want to walk away, i don't want to care or need for you anymore.
your hair is longer... but the rest of you still the same.
i'll always care, even as i try to hate you i still care.
i didn't think it would be this hard. school and work; everyday i get home and i cannot wait to devouer whatever food i can find and get to bed. is not a bad feeling at all, but i just wish i had more energy to get me through the day [my sleeping schedule has improved slightly, but not considerably enough for me to live like i have been since school started ;| ]
it doesn't help that my schedule is out of whack: work.school.tutoring or some conbination of these rules my day. now a days i find my self 12+ hours at school, but at least i don't have to worry about commuting to work since i work right on campus.
being a personal trainer has been fun thus far. my month of october is looking pretty empty though, so hopefully my two clients will buy more sessions with me and i can get more people to sign up for actual personal trainning sessions not just fitness assesments<<there aren't that many people willing to commit to working-out *shrugs*.
ok enough about the rambling. [begin rant]
i was never aware of how difficult it is to get to know me. well, let me rephrase. how difficult it is to know me for those who look for something more than a friendship... relationships have just been so fucked up for me the past two years. anything and everything after my first relationship has been nothing but pure shit and i'm partly to blame for being so naive, for wanting so much more... there's a wall there, i don't know how i manged to build it or how i became like this in the first place. and i HATE it when they point it out, that is my fault they don't know me; that is my fault i've been single for so long. and i hate it when they ask for "a chance", because i don't know where to start. hard as i try i can't let my guard down and once i see them getting through i push them away and rebuild this "wall", stronger and higher... and is exhausting. to want something and unconsciously run away from it. if only i knew how. i realized i'm not a nice guy [anymore]. i say mean things, and i lash
out if i feel hurt. and i'm selfish and shallow. nothing is ever good
enough, no one is ever good enough.
and i'm MEAN. i can be such a jerk sometimes that it doesn't cease to amaze me.
self defense mechanism. << lame excuse i'm aware, but is true. i wish for more than anything to be like i was before, not so broken?? just writing about it makes me want to cry, only i know better now. crying is for weak little boys, and i'm not a little boy anymore.
here i go again, is another day.
at least i'm busy enough to forget how alone i am. and i have amazing friends to make me forget it on my free time.
