natoxicating's Xanga

Self-help Seminar

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 19:16:06 GMT

Since we've established that life never seems to work out the way you think it will, or the way you hope it will, I've decided to take a somewhat broader look at what has happened to me in the last, oh, say 2 months. And despite the unusually dramatic (traumatic?) goings on in my personal life, overall, it's been nothing, if not interesting.

I'm still in the process of trying to patch-up a relationship that was really great, then really weird, then really sad. I've fianlly figured out (though in practice it's a lot harder to achieve) that following my natural tendancy to try to make everyone else feels better leaves me a sort of emotional mess. I don't think that's something I'll ever stop doing, because that's part of what makes me who I am and caring and compassion are things the world needs more of, not less. I have, however, realized that people make their own decisions for their own reasons. Whether those reasons are ever made clear to anyone, even to themselves, is up to them alone. So as far as patching goes, it's up to her and I think she's coming around. That makes me feel good.

And in the meantime, I've put my friend making hat on and discovered some very fun people. A couple are people I've known for a while but for whatever reason didn't spend time with until now (thanks Heather) and some are brand-spanking new! I guess one of my shortcomings, if you can call it that, is that I'm very picky about who are my friends. I mean my close friends. Maybe that's why I refuse to let this particular girl just bail, because, if nothing else, we were best friends for a while there and despite her goofiness, she's a friend worth fighting for. All of my close friends are worth fighting for, and that's why I have to be selective.

So super big thanks to Heather for putting up with me, Stacy for being there when I needed her (as well as curling my toes when I need it), Brando for being my boy, Cecelia for being my new Rascal Flatts buddy, and Samara, Kate, and Katie for being three gorgeous, NOT self-absorbed girls to hang out with. And Em for reminding me how good being in love can feel, even if it didn't work out.

Lata, nerds!

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 19:42:31 GMT

Everything Happens For a Reason

By Natoxicating

Everything happens for a reason

That's what I've been told

Sometimes I think that that's the case

Sometimes I'm not so sold

The reasons why we do things

Are what we need to see

The reason why things happen

Usually start with me

A twist of fate from course maintained

Over which you have no power

Those things happen, I'll admit

But just not every hour

More likely there's a choice to make

Perhaps you see a sign

Then you decide a course to take

And choose to walk a line

Then what happens on that path

Is mostly up to you

With friends and neighbors and perfect strangers

Telling you what to do

But in the final count, my friend

That choice is up to you

The real reason that things happen

Is because you choose them to

The choices sometimes aren't so clear

There's many shades of grey

But listen to your heart, my dear

For it helps light the way

A choice for this, a choice for that

A choice for not at all

A chance for you to take a chance

Is not by chance at all

Everything happens for a reason

My friends all love to say

Sometimes that can be true, I guess

In it's own peculiar way

But if we want to talk honestly

About the way things go

The reason your life is your life

Is because you made it so

Thanking fate or placing blame

Can tend you for a while

But soon there'll be a choice to make

And that should make you smile

The reason things happen, you should know

Is no great mystery

The life you live's the one you make

You're who you choose to be

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 22:26:46 GMT

Picture is up and functioning at 300% capacity. I think I need more people to take pictures of me...

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:03:07 GMT

Oh, and btw folks.... I'll TOTALLY post a picture really, really soon.... I'm a terrible person!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 19:58:56 GMT

I've been reading, well, it says at the bottom of this entry, but for those who HAVE TO KNOW NOW, Book of Longing by Leonard Cohen. I think (hope) that I'm still deep in the process of learning about myself and it's always helpful to have something inspiring to give you a little push in the right direction.

Several people have asked me lately, "What are your goals? What do you want to accomplish?" and honestly, I don't have any very good answers to questions like that. I don't believe that it's out of some sort of hedonistic tendancy. Moderation is something I've picked up in the last few years and I think I've applied it's fairly well to most aspects of my life. Booze and women, for example. But where will I be 10 years from now? I really don't know. Perhaps it's because the random stresses of daily life envelope so much thought. When you're constantly crunching numbers to make sure you'll have the rent AND money to get you to the next paycheck, the best thing I can say about 10 years down the road is that I hope I'll be earning a living wage. What I should be doing is thinking about how I'm going to make that happen.

Perhaps the reason this last mis-fire of a relationship irritated me so much, was that for that period of time, I wasn't concerned about all that other stuff. It all washed away and I was sitting in a park with a beautiful girl. Feeling wanted is one HELL of an aphrodisiac. Then flip that around, take it away and you're the junkie that would do anything for a fix. THAT my friends, is a bad place to be. It's sobering to have to happen to me and realize how much I've hurt people in my life in the same way. Not that it was the wrong thing to do, or that I went about it the wrong way (though hindsight being what it is, there always seems to have been a better way) but I really hate to hurt anybody, because, brought home to me all the more recently, it really feels crappy. So I apologize again to the wonderful young ladies who's hearts I broke and hope you take some comfort in knowing that I have gotten my come-upance too. Though for some reason, everyone that I've talked to recently has been so supportive.... Maybe I'm not a douchebag! Well, not all the time.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 16:37:46 GMT

I know I keep writing about the same stuff and for that, I apologize, but it's what has been on my mind for the last.... well, however long. Hopefully, the light at the end of the tunnel is drawing nearer.

Is there a point in the average person's life, a round about age, let's say, at which people retire from the emotional games that we all played in high school and college? I mean, when is it no longer appropriate to toy with another person's heartstrings and is it time to just be up front and honest? I'm guessing it's somewhere around 25 or so. Granted, that's a complete guesstimation, but I think, for me personally, that's about when I decided that the upfront approach was easier on both myself and whatever other party was involved.

And maybe it's more easily said than done, that is, talking about what's bothering you, but in the long run, that the only way to make the relationships you want to work, work. So why not get some practice?

And I saw whales yesterday... I think.

Guess I'm not as young as I used to be...

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 15:11:43 GMT

Sometimes you gotta be a trooper. It's been a while since I started drinkin' at 9:00 and finally cashed in my chips at 3:30 am. But it's all in good fun. Maybe I just had to go a little overboard now that I don't work before 11 am anymore.

And why is it that I'm fine all day not seeing the girl I adore, but when I do my legs get all rubbery and I feel like I've got marbles in my mouth... Ugh... That can't be a good sign. But it's nice that I'm finally getting back to hanging out with friends, old and new, to take my mind off my crazy, messed up love life.

Que cera cera.

And by the way, thanks Heather for getting me hooked up here. You're one of the good ones. I suppose I'll figure this place out eventually (just like I'm figuring out Seattle... I think) but you're making the transition much easier. So, thanks again, girlie.

Hottie director, huh? Freakin' Awesome....

Wait, wait, wait.....

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 21:29:01 GMT

So I just signed up here and I kinda spilled my brain onto my mySpace page about an hour ago, so, if you'll bear with me, I'll take my leave for the moment and return later tonight when I might have something to say. That is aside from the fact that I need to get some smokes....

"Those things will kill you."

"Yes, I know. But I like it. Shut up."