So lately, I haven't felt the need to dress up. Lately, I haven't felt the need to put make up on. Lately, I've felt the need to think, to read. Lately, I've found myself falling asleep with a Bible beside me. Lately, I've been dreaming of someone that I'll never be with someone I'll never have. Lately, I've been deep and thoughtful and nostalgic. Lately, I've been thinking of things that hurt and things that I shouldn't. Lately, I've been feeling sick and weak. Lately, I've been feeling unlike myself in so many ways and yet, in the midst of it all, I've had some amazing times with people I miss. Lately, things just seem surreal.

Last night, if I had found myself at that party I probably would have found myself driving home later that night. And I could have found myself head to head with a drunk driver that crashed into a pole less than a mile down the road. I could have found myself traveling home that very next day and I could have seen a person I used to work with pull right out in front of me because she was checking a text. I could have found myself seeing the last blue sky I'd ever see. I could have found myself feeling my last heartbeats. I could have been thinking my last rational thoughts. Do you understand how fucked up that is? Can you possibly understand how much I hate stupid drivers and everything they ever cost me?

Perhaps, it just coming near that emotional time of the months, but fuck it all. People need to wake up and realize how much their actions can affect someone else's life. I hate seeing people I care about and know get hurt because of someone else's mistakes. Some people just wouldn't understand.

Do you think it's fair to know that you've found the one person that could make you happy and that it can never possibly happen? Do you know what's it like to love someone who loves you back but there's no easy answer to the situation. I'm sitting here. Crying. At three in the fucking morning. Because I know I won't ever have that beautiful moment. That moment where you feel adored by someone. That moment where that someone touches you on the face and your entire being jumps. That moment where you wake up and you see that someone staring at you and then lean over to tell you you're beautiful. That moment where he can't take his hands off of you because you're soft. That moment where you can only want one person. Possibly for the rest of your life. Don't give me that bullshit of teenage love and falsehood. I've met the man of my dreams. I feel as if I've never had anyone else. At least, anyone that really mattered. And it's a damned shame. I want him. So badly. I almost feel like I'd do anything to have him. He's constantly on my mind. Even today, Katy said I mentioned him every three minutes and that whenever I said "He" she knew I was talking about him. I'm crazy. I'm seriously out of my head. He's constantly there. Constantly running through my head. Constantly making me laugh at mere memories. I sound like a little girl with her first crush. I feel ridiculous and extremely vulnerable. I don't think he realizes what a pull he has on me.

I hope his girlfriend realizes how much a wonderful person she has. Because I'd kill for someone like that.

Epiphany

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Right now, I'm feeling just a little bit tired and just a little bit hungry. Right now, I'm feeling just a little bit hopeful and just a little bit high. Right now, I'm feeling just a little bit of emotion and just a little bit of humor. Right now, I'm feeling like I'm on top of the world.

So, I'll tell you a good couple of things that might just save your exsitence:
1.) You probably shouldn't fall for your best friend. Because you'll realize that you're best friend might just be the only perfect gentlemen on the face of the Earth. Also, you'll always have to listen to his wonderful sex stories about him and his girlfriend and try not to pretend that it's you that he's talking about.

2.) You probably should go on and light up a joint. Because for whatever reason that you're not smoking out right now is completely unrelated. Unless you have, like.., an amazing job or something. Which reminds me, why am I not smoking right now?

3.) No matter how you dress, people are never going to be able to guess your age. In the past 48 hours, I've been mistaken as a mother, someone married, someone who just graduate college, or better yet, 25! ::taps random person on the shoulder:: "Excuse me, but are my crow's feet showing? How about my laugh lines?" Teenagers can pass off being grown! Welcome to the 21st century ladies and gentlemen! So, dress up (or down) and hit the town (HA, that rhymed) and carry a fake id - if necessary -because I'm sure they won't question you.

4.) If you ever decide to go to the Warped Tour, make sure you wear shorts and a bathing suit like top. Oh, and bank up. Bottles of water were going for five dollars a pop. Carry a loose bag pack and make sure your phone stays firmly in hand and on vibrate. And most importantly, never walk away from the person you go with. You'll get lost in less than .01 seconds.

5.) When you're really as tired as I am right now, you should probably just go to bed. What else could you possibly be doing?

"Whats up?"
"Nothing much, sitting here staring at my wall. You?"
"Chillin. U know this sounds weird but dont take this the wrong way, but i miss you"
"Hah, I don't. I miss you, too. Don't take this the wrong way either, but I miss you a lot of the time."
"Well it hit me hard thismorning. I dont know why. It is weird"
"Well, you did spend 24 hours with me. What can I say? I'm like a parasite. (:"
"Yea. Maby it will go away."
"Do you want it too? ( I could come over [; )"
"I am not at home. It just feels weird. I am sopposed 2 be tough i feel weak. Sound dumb huh."
"I was just kidding. I'm exhausted. I've felt tired all day. As for being weka, psht. If that's weak, than I'm like a baby. All cried out with no one to soothe me."

In other news, my sister had her baby today. So did my step-sister. And it just so happens to be my step-fathers birthday. How awesome? She's beautiful. Exactly the same stats as her big sister. I think I'm in love! <3

Oh, when I drink coffee at night.

Is it just me or are we constantly trying to evolve ourselves? Constantly trying to be a different person or to experience new things. Our lives are so "hectic" or "stressful" that we always crave for a change. A change at which everything will get "better", at least that's what we try to tell ourselves. To tell you the truth, I'm sick of trying to be the person I used to want to be. I'm perfectly content with all aspects with my life. Well, there's always that expectation. Maybe I'm not exactly happy with everything but I've continuously been shown how thankful and grateful I should be. I know I haven't always been the most respectful or considerate person that I could be. In fact, nine out of the ten times I've been down right unworthy and have definitely fallen short of my expectations. Now tell me, when exactly are you supposed to realize that you might not be cut out for the things you want to do? When does that reality check smack you in the face? When do you put your foot down and start doing things you're supposed too? And how do you learn things that are never taught to you? I used to believe I had an extreme amount of control. But ever since my dad passed away, I really haven't been the same person. I've been careless, depressed, and I haven't seemed to put my heart into anything that I used to want. I've tried to be the person I was before and it's practically impossible and I hate that. I hate feeling sorry for myself because I've let so many things that gave me self-respect slip away. It's my fault, it's my poor judgment. I have no reason at all to feel sorry for myself. I just need to slap myself and say, "Angie: wake the fuck up!". Just because a month full of shitty events happens doesn't mean you give up everything. It means that you need to pick yourself up off the floor and keep your chin up and face the problems that you've let accumulate around you. Yeah, it's hard. What aspects of life aren't? Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Is this what I really want? Is this how I want it all to end?"

 I have five weeks until the first day of my college running career. I'm getting paid $100 per race I run and right now, I'm completely out of shape. I'm letting my team down, my coach, and myself. I keep telling myself, "Hey fatass, you're not doing anything, why don't you get up and run?" Does it happen? Once every three weeks. I'm sick of it. I haven't been able to run since Cross Country state. I accomplished what I wanted and said "Hey, I can finally have a break!" Which turned into an eight month hibernation. It's not time for change, it's time for a revaluation of my priorities.

 On the other side of this problem is this guy. Sadly to say, he's one of my only friends that: (a) has never let me down, (b) I've never been in an argument with, (c) would give me the world, (d) would protect me from harm, (e) gets along with everyone, (f) could possibly get such a reaction out of me, (g) I can never doubt, and (h) I can call a true best friend. He says I'm out of his league. I say he's perfect for me. You know it's always fun to be in love when the other person doesn't know. I don't know if I would call this love, but I care for the kid A LOT. He's my boy scout and he's spectacular!

Right now, I'm just a little bummed out. Today, I've witness poverty to extreme and it honestly scares me. How can people continue to get pregnant and have kids when they can't even financially support themselves. I never want to be in that predicament. If I ever have a kid, I want it to have the world in retrospect. I want that kid to be able to have a decent education and to experience everything else the other kids are doing. Tonight, we had a family over. Well, technically, a friend and his two sons. And I was cleaning out the fridge and the oldest son was watching me and was looking at the fifteen different drink selections we have in there. He saw a Code Red and was amazed and said, "You have the red stuff? Wow." I told him, "Yeah, we pretty much have everything." He stood by me while I moved onto the next shelf, where he saw a jar of cherries and he looked at them and you could see it in his eyes that he wanted some, so I looked at him and said, "You want to eat some?" and he said "Yes, please. Can I have the Red stuff, too?" I said, "Sure, let me get you some ice because it's not cold yet." He went up to his dad and said, "She's really nice." My heart cried at that. It's hard for me to say that I've had it rough because my family has always taken care of me. I know we've been through difficult times. We've been completely broke. I've worn my sisters hand me downs. We've gone weeks without food in the fridge, but I've never experienced real "hard" times. And I'm completely thankful for that. But is it all chance? Do people have a chance to make things better for themselves but neglect to take the path that will lead them to a better life, or are people really just that stupid? It seriously makes me cringe.

There's so much I want to do with my life. I just hope I have to a chance to do them all.