May the grace of our Lord be with you, now and always may you stay blameless till He comes.....

I got alot I want to say in this post, its hard for me to convey what I am feeling and put it into words. It's just me all alone in my room with nobody to talk to, I guess I have burned alot of bridges or just dont put the effort in relationships like I used to. But I have had alot off time to think, and watch movies. I just saw Antwone Fisher. I dont know what to say after saying that last sentence, I would say I kinda feel like he does, at least in some ways. I dont know why I am writing this here, it will be a long time before I see anyone from back home, and I am not apart their lives anymore. I have to get some things off my chest first, back when I was home my dad told me I was holding stuff inside and not letting go, he was right I see that now. I was angry and bitter for alot of things about my childhood, angry that I didnt have the dad I could love and trust, could have good talks with and go hang out with. He was a hard guy to get close to, I was a disappointment to him dispite what he says sometimes. I got to where I didnt care or pretended I didnt care, and I let my standard of living fall. How can I be close to God or a girl when I have not ever really loved my dad? Now I dont want to talk to anybody, yet I long for somebody to really care for me and be there for me, I want a relationship to finally go right and me not to let them down. I have been listening to alot of worship music, more then I ever have before, it helps me remember God is always there for me, no matter how many times I leave or abuse Him. I have had talks with my dad about this and as a result I have had little desire to talk to him since, he says he made mistakes but its my mistakes that were keeping me down. I felt many times I wish he would just stay at work, not come home except to sleep. Its not a good feeling to be unwelcome in your own home, or what used to be your own home. But I am not supposed to be dependent on the praise of men, like my dad, but I should instead do everything to serve God right?! Thats what I was always told when I was pissed after a session with dad. I just want to say I am finally moving on, meaning I wont let my bitterness and low self esteem keep me from bettering myself, I need to channel my frustration into something useful. And I will find somebody I can talk to, even it means going to mental health. I love everyone from Trinity, but I cant really talk to most of them cause it seems like they were busy building walls around themselves to keep the world out, I felt like when I was talking to some of them at church they were not talking to me and saying hi cause they really cared about me, I was just a young guy they see needs a little help. I dont understand how someone someone can be so fake when talking about something so real, but thats how it was. If you dont make up something wonderful about how God has blessed your life in some way you will get all these ppl judging you. And it seems thats all there is to talk about, Jesus this Jesus that! I wonder if Jesus was really a real man, did he have conversations with ppl like I do and like normal everyday people do? Does he ever feel like the third wheel in a group of friends? He had real emotions like me and everyone on the planet, and he never went to a church. I ask myself what is Love? I still dont know it like I should but I am searching. I know God is Love and I find it in Him. I felt like I was a light for God friday, I stayed late at work helping out with procedures, I am trying to learn all I can. It is the greatest feeling to go home after a day where you gave your all, some of the people at work noticed I was different, more happy or something. There has been alot going on at work and it has been bringing me down. I can rise above it! Well I gotta get up in 5 hrs so I will bid you all goodnight!

The word of the Lord is eternal it stands firm, it is the inspired word of God and is true. It was written by men  but God guided their words. I was in a conversation at work the other day about the bible and she was saying it has to many errors cause man wrote it and she was going down that rabbit trail, i told her of course it was written by man, but God guides the thoughts of man, and everything they wrote down was what God intended. I am ashamed of myself, it caught me off guard, she held tightly to her belief that God is merely a sweet idea that man made up, I wish I could show her He is so much more! People need Jesus so bad here, the way to Him starts with me.