need_to_be_tiny
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Country: United States
State: Alabama
Metro: Mobile
Birthday: 11/28/1986
Gender: Female


Interests: >>Dieting. >>Exercising. >>Torturing myself for a goal. >>It will all be worth it. >>Ana/Mia


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AIM: bleedmybeautiful


Member Since: 4/4/2005

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Ok. So last night, the three of us were here at my house. **** and I made a liquor run, and when I got back home I immediately did a few shots while **** made a batch of margaritas. I didn't drink too much, but I was definitely tipsy. it didn't help that Mason was acting like a jerk. I followed him outside and asked him what was wrong with him. Turns out his health is worse than I thought. He has a heart deformaty, along with various other heart problems. He's 20, but his heart is that of a 45 year old man. He was having chest pains, and he decided to go lay down. I felt rejected, and ignored, because despite his health confession, he was still being a jerk. So, what did I do? I cuddled on the couch with ****. Then I kissed ****. Then I had sex on my living room floor with ****, multiple times. And you know what? I don't regret a damned thing.

Nothing to eat yesterday. Ate a peice of pizza at about 3 a.m. this morning. Nothing but diet drinks since. My tummy hurts ;(


Friday, July 22, 2005

I was bad last night.

Mason stayed over, because my parents are out of town. He brought me a bottle of Hypnotic, and I practically drank it all by myself. Bad, bad, bad. I did work off some calories though, because after I was thoroughly wasted, we went to a creek that's near my house and walked around and sat and talked. The woods are creepy at night. I was stumbling along, bottle in my head, talking on my cell to Ryan (whom I had called out of drunkeness, even though I told Mason to take my cell phone if I got drunk to prevent this from happening.) Well, Mason took off ahead of me down this little dirt road, because he was angry that I had called Ryan, I guess. I doubt Ryan even knew I was drunk. Anyway, I kept thinking shit was going to pop out of the woods and get me.

We made it back home, and Mason and I were fine. We sat around and goofed off, then we went to bed around midnight because he had class this morning at 8:30 a.m. We slept in my bed, but we barely even touched. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I suddenly repulsive? Anyway.

I think Nate may come visit me this weekend, which would be great.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Currently Listening
Wet from Birth
By The Faint
see related

Non-Ana related issues...
I have a friend that is in love with destroying me. She goes after every guy I want. She tried it with Mason after we first met, but it didn't work. She's tried it with a few others. Tonight she crossed the line. I've known this guy named Ryan for about four years. I fell in love with him, and he loved me too. We didn't work out, but he means more to me than anyone ever has. I still love him. Now he lives in Ohio. Which makes one wonder...
Why the fuck is she calling him?!?!?!?! He says it's nothing, but I can't trust her. He said she just called to see how he and I were doing. Wrong. Linda is a vicious life-ruining slut-faced hoebag, and nothing if ever as simple as that with her.
My friend Ben said she's obsessed with me in a way that maker he want everything I have. She feels inferior to me, he says. WHY ME? Ugh, I am ugly and fat and why would anyone want to emulate me...it makes no sense. But I'm done with her. I'm done with all of it, everything...I need to not feel for a while.
My parents are leaving for the coast tomorrow morning. I can't wait. I'm not going to eat, but...I know it's bad...but I am going to get so fucking messed up. Mason is spending the weekend with me, and I'm going to be so fucking drunk...I want to not know who I am for a little while. Why do people want to be me? Honestly. Don't they know how much my life sucks?
I would benefit a lot from the use of a drug like Cocaine. But I'm not that weak yet.
-------------
I loved the comment that 2ql4skl left me...
"100 cals is good, but 0 cals is perfect."
I'm being weak by eating, even at all. I'm so frustrated with my life right now, especially my love life, so...my body is all I have control over. And I must admit that I love punishing it sometimes.
Everyone should join this challenge....   skinny_by_05
Make sure you join the blogring too...that way we can support each other.
--------------

New subscribers....awesome!

Mason stopped by last night and we went to the park. We sat on the swings and talked, and he let me drive his car around (which I love because I really love fast cars). I don't know if I can be with him anymore. Why would you tell someone that you relaly, really like them, if you don't expect anything from it?
He told me this. He  knows I like him. But, he's not acting like it changed anything. And I think it did. I don't know. I'll talk to him about. He's in class until 12:30. Wish me luck. *fingers crossed*

Back to ana-related issues. No food yet today. I have to clean the house today, my room included. My room alone should burn a million calories because it is a mess! I plan on eating a little tuna around lunch. Nothing else, not all day, and tomorrow I may fast the entire day. We'll see!


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I had lunch today with Mason. I had 1/2 of my thai chicken pizza, which wasn't too big anyway, with my unsweet tea. I had a few sips of his daiquiri...I know, alcohol is bad. But that was all I had today, plus 20 ounces of green tea and 20 ounces of Aquafina. Today, I bought 100 bottles of Aquafina, and a bunch of smoked tuna. That's what I'm eating from now on...

Mason invited me to go to New Orleans with him and his mother and twin brother for Labor Day weekend. That's September 3rd...can I lose 20 pounds by then? Ana says I can...


Thanks to these people!



Thanks so much for ya'll that joined the blogring.

Ana's Pep Talk

Oh, so your craving food right now, huh?

 What do you think you are doing?

 Don't you dare go anywhere near food!

 Don't touch it; don't even think about it.

 What do you want to do, become a fat cow?

 I am your best friend, and if you eat, you are failing me and letting me down.

 If you eat right it shows what little self-control you have.

 That pain in your stomach right now, that is me, and that is your fat melting away.

 When you feel empty, it means you are empty of your sins.

 Summer is coming up.

 You want to be able to walk around in booty shorts and a bikini top, don’t you?

 You want to walk around in a bikini with your flat, firm little stomach and your toned little thighs.

 You to be able to run your hand over your stomach and feel your ribs.

 You want to go to the mall and see that skimpy outfit and know you would look damn good in it.

 You made a commitment to me.

 I am your life and obsession.

 Don't break what we have.

 I will give you everything you want, but you have to give me what I want.

 And I want you to stay away from food.

 Go have some water.

 Go drink some tea or coffee.

 Or better yet - go to the gym, fatty!

 Don't show me what little self-control you have.

 Don’t defy me.

 You know that if you go eat right now, you will end up on your knees puking it all up until you see blood and water and your stomach is aching.

 You will regret eating as soon as those calories and that fat slip past your tonsils and down into your body to add to that extra roll on your stomach.

 You are going to get cellulite.

 You are going to look like the typical fat soccer mom.

 I can give you so much - I can give you a great body.

 Show me your control and I will show you a flat stomach.

 Show me you love me and can keep me a secret and stay away from food and I’ll give you those shaped little thighs.

 Show me you can run until you drop and I will give you a cute ass.

 You love me.

 If you eat now and throw away what you are working for, I will hate you.

 And you will hate yourself.

 You have a meal plan; you have goals and dreams.

 Don’t throw that all away now.

 Don’t give up what you really want for something you want now.

 Don’t eat fatty.

 You are still no supermodel like Kate Moss.

Don’t fail me. Don’t eat.

You're at a pro-ana site. I guess that means you think you're fat or something. Well, guess what?*DING!DING!DING!* You're right! You're disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Feel your stomach. Feel the rolls of flab, the jiggling mass....look at all the gorgeous models and actresses on TV. See any rolls? HELL no! These girls are THIN, baby! They don't know what it's like to step on a scale and break the damn thing. They don't have to wear size XXL! They're THIN!

Yeah, and you're not. You're despicable. Absolutely nasty. You're a fat motherfucking cow. PUT DOWN THAT FOOD! Don't you even DARE think of putting it in your mouth! You'll feel it slide right to your hips, your thighs. You're already bulging out of your pants. You don't need any more food, all it's gonna do is make you fatter. You're already a whale, a hippo, a fat ass. You are gross, no member of the opposite sex would even THINK of liking you because you won't fit through their front door. You'll crack their floors and smash their bed to smithereens.

You're so disgusting! Have you ever seen people looking at you? With disgust? It's true. They're wishing that they'll never EVER have to look as bad as you. They're watching you scarf down your food and thinking, "Look at that person! What a terrible lack of self-control!" And it's true. And you call yourself ana! You're not true rexie. You're FAT!FAT!FAT!FAT! What a terrible word, an ugly horrible word. Too bad it's the truth. Too bad you're fat. A blimp. A monstrosity.

You want to wear those cute new clothes? Haha, not with THAT stomach! Or THOSE legs! Sure, they look good on models, but honey, you're FAT. Fat people wear tent dresses and ugly shoes. Fat people can't wear cute clothes because they can't look good in them. Fat people have no control and eat everything they see. You want to live like that? Live the rest of your life lumbering around, too big for airline seats, too big for cars, too big to ever get yourself a spouse and live happily ever after? No fairy tale for you, dearie. You're a bucket of lard, a complete disgrace to the name ana. You'll never be skinny. NEVER. Unless you PUT DOWN THAT FOOD, get your lazy ass up and EXERCISE! Go run! Do jumping jacks! Do sit-ups! And fast fast fast! No eating for someone like you. You're ugly and gross and FAT! Remember that....

                                                                                                                     .:Ana:.



No hunger yet. Today is a green tea/water only day, as will tomorrow be. I'm starting a plan of fasting for two days, then eating one day, repeat. And on the third day I'm only having smoked tuna and melba toast, along with my green tea. I work four days a week, so I don't have a lot of time for crazy exercising. I have every tae-bo DVD...I suppose that would help. Anything to get rid of the fat!

I'm debating on whether or not I should tell Mason. If I don't tell him, he'll never know, because he has school and we rarely see each other. According to me, we're not even dating anymore. He doesn't know that, but I just don't feel it. I feel Ryan. He knows, I think. I may have mentioned it a few times...

But in a world where the men look so perfect, and the women look like supermodels...the only reasonable solution is for me to look like a supermodel also. You know Yoanna, the winner of America's Next Top Model? She had to drop 50 pounds before she auditioned for the show...and look how gorgeous she is!

To be happy in this world, really happy, and to have everything I want, I need to be beautiful. Fat is not beautiful.



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