I'll slave til the end.

I really am curious as to when I'm going to stop trying to be things that I'm not. I wonder when I'll accept that I really do have a "myself" and that it's really not that bad. Soon, I hope. These facades are getting so tiresome and I really am bored with always trying to be like other people. Not even people. Fictional characters from cartoons. Tohru, Haruhi, Chii, Haru..honestly. Mneah. I guess when it comes down to it, I really feel like myself when Im with the boys. Ryan, Bryan and Jeff. but its wierd when Im not supposed to hang with Jeff...so we get all paranoid and sometimes quite upset. But he's growing up...slowly...i think. Learning that he cant expect things from everyone and cant depend on others all the time...learning to live on his own. That makes me happy, because without all that weight on my shoulders, I can be happy too. We still fight like mad. Bitch like mad. But we laugh like mad and well...are comfy.

Days like today make me wonder why we're not together sometimes. It's like we're dating but without all the responsibilities and snogging. Is that what friendship is? I wonder... we really do cling alot, dont we? Shanny grunts like mad and gives me those looks...but I really dont mind hanging off of him all the time. I bet he does though. I told him I'd keep my distance...ergumf. Hate this.

Made a Summer list of things to do. Swimming, cottages, day trips..etc. applied at DQ as well. But they're not hiring right now. She said shed put it on file for me. I'll go to the mall asap to put in resumes there. Yummy scrumboes. Im extremely content...like...incredibly. How strange.

I hate my house. There goes my happiness. Out the window. What was that? 30 seconds? Huh. Interesting. Why's everyone always screaming about everything? Honestly. I went downstairs laughing trying to say "Oh yeah, I noticed dad only cut half of the backyard." But no. I mentioned borrowing my moms bike and they both went off. First of all, I didnt text them when i got home. I didnt text them to ask if I could borrow the bike. Then it went to I didnt put air in the tires so I could have hurt myself. How very strange my home is. I dont think i'll be coming out of my room too much tonight. Parents are not forces to be reckoned with.

I think the cat pissed somewhere in my room. He pissed on my clean clothes downstairs. I had to re-wash them. I cant figure out where he's pissed in here. Probably under my bed.

I wish Jeff would get back. I want to talk to him loads for some reason. He's out getting his hair cut. I wonder if he read my note. ;P I wonder if he'll pick me up some Pocky. Yumyum.

*sings* We live on front porches and swing life away...we get by just fine here on minimum wage...

Since when does thinking about Jeff cheer me up? This really is a very odd monda-- fuck. It's only monday? I've got entire week to get through. -_____-

I've got nothing to do so it's a looooooooooong blog. I'll propose hanging out with Jeff over at Bryans or something this weekend to my parents. I'm actually quite thankful. If they hadnt of been so hard on me, I wouldnt have smartened up. I would probably be back with him by now and he wouldnt have bothered to even try to be happy on his own. He wouldnt have been so apt on getting a job. I guess things sometimes do work out for the best. But I really wish they'd let us hang out soon. This is getting incredibly irritating and I dont like it.

*stretches* Ok. I'll end the monster entry here. <3 Mucho lurve, N3koPanda

I Lost a Friend.

Got back from the Cottage de Shannon today. I wont go into detail, but I had a lovely lovely time, besides failing at fishing and a minor nervy b on shanny's part today when the anchor got stuck in the middle of the lake. We watched loads of mythical movies and lit off fireworks last night. I had a great time. I hope I get invited back up sometime.

Got home and no one was here. Mum didnt pick up her phone, so I called Ryan. I was all sad, so guess what he did. He showed up on my doorstep 15 minutes later with Bryan. I told him he didnt need to come over but he still did. I was very happy.

I realize how awesome of friends Shanny and I are. I know she's got those 4 other girls who shes known since like, pre-birth. But i wonder if she can talk to them without really saying anything. We hardly spoke the entire ride home, but we had like...an entire conversation. We do that in art a lot too. I dont know about her, but I cant do that with anyone else.

Reading cosmo. Parents m.i.a. again. Sister plastered. I miss the cottage. Same feeling as his bed. Nothing mattered but then and there. No one but us. But it makes coming back to reality harder to deal with.

Man. I dont get it. What IS it about boys that makes me go all wonky? I was sitting in the car today, Mr. V was online. I was just thinking "If he says even just like, hello...I will be so happy." but he didnt. EVERY time Shanny mentions the BSG i go all jelloid and sighing. But I know I haven't got the nicest petals in the flower patch. -_- I really hope I find someone soon. Im getting so sick of being alone and watching everyone else go about merrily.

Shit. My parents will be home all day tomorrow. -___- i dont like BEING alone, but I like being HOME alone. Tomorrow is totally going to blow chunks. Its almost 1:00am. Huh. Would you look at that.

Kthxbye<////////3

Cause, god, It Just Feels So Good.

Hum. I found out that this guy is in grade twelve. Meaning I probably have less of a chance with him than I do the BSG. He'll be graduating in a month and going off to college life to sleep with girls too stupid for college, but somehow got in. He wouldnt be interested in a grade ten. But I wrote on his facebook wall anyway and I'll smile at him tomorrow anyway. Just because I know it wont happen, doesnt mean I'll stop trying.

I'm afraid I'm going to be alone forever. Yes, yes. I'll have my "friends" but they wont love me like a boy would love me. I just want to be with someone. I always feel a lot better about everything when Im with someone. Plus, I'm hella snog deprived. So a sweet, gorgey boy to wrap his arms 'round me and snog me to within an inch of my life (good snogger, too) would be very very pleasent.

I've just got this brilliant idea for a present for Pangster. Lolz. Im off to work on it. woot.

kthxbye<3