i have been reawakened to how much i love the north, especially pennsylvania.

Graduating on Saturday and will finally have that associates degree...

I think the following post is the direct result of the summer heat wave and a recent repetitious listening to of Alanis Morissette. Ha.

I have been thinking a lot lately about beauty and what the average man appreciates, and in result I find myself looking in the mirror being entirely too critical. I think it's a life-long war (for the most part) that we fight to appreciate who we are and accept how we are made. I can understand this sneaking up on me as it is summer time, and out come the tiny bathing suits, shorts and skirts made for anorexic midgets and tops so low cut i'm not sure what's the point of wearing it. I would suppose that the girls who wear these sorts of clothes are the ones that are actually the most insecure - inwardly, of course - but, it's hard not to notice how a man will glance towards me but quickly give the dismissal as he notices and oogles the one with her body half exposed. I like to think I'm modest. I have self-respect and know that I am worth more than a one time look of lust from a man who will never see me again or truly appreciate/respect me. I am a woman of quality, and maybe that would translate to some people that I am not pretty. In high school I was always the "girl with the boyfriend." I have dark naturally curly/wavy hair that hangs past my shoulders, deep brown eyes, nice smile and slender but not too thin. I like to be natural and not weigh my face down with a lot of make up, just mascara. I don't like to look fake. In my profile picture I'm not even wearing make up at all. I am not unattractive, and I think I know this, but... BUT! Apparently, raw beauty without the aid of plastic surgery, hair extensions, excessive cleavage or toned and tanned body is just not even on the radar. I am not Angelina Jolie; I am not a Victoria's Secret model and unfortunately it can be a struggle to remember that I don't have to be.

One thing that does make me feel more secure, though, is compliments. I'm a highly articulate person; I feel acceptance and love mostly through communication and honesty (even if it's negative). And, honestly, one thing I would prefer more of were compliments from my boyfriend and my dad. I suppose it's not received well by a reader that my boyfriend doesn't compliment me,... because, he doesn't very often. Sometimes, I wonder... is it my heart that has captured him or my beauty? He has told me he thinks of me as highly beautiful, but... specifically, what? My eyes? My laugh? My dimples? Pointed comments are the most heart warming. All women, no matter who, want to be validated as beautiful. (In his defense, he is a high level communicator... just seems to sometimes have male-itis, and probably doesn't even realize he doesn't verbalize the things he sees. He is an amazing person.)

And, even now, at 22, I fight this self-evaluation demon... myself. Comparison is a killer. No woman is built the same or qualified the same. We are all beautiful in our own ways, mysterious ways, and we are probably never close to truly being appreciated until we are known for at least ten years. Women like that keep men fascinated their whole lives. Women who live for adventure. Women who, when they go to bed, leave the day behind them. Women whose hearts are bigger than themselves. Women who can look a man in the eye and affirm to him that they fully trust him, whatever the circumstance. Wives. Mothers. Friends. Women who let themselves be, in pieces, discovered and known discreetly over time like a long lost shipwreck, full of ancient china and gold - the invaluable ones who will never be known by many. The ones who call out the courage in a man dive deep down to find the treasure he sees in her eyes.  Women like this are very rarely on the frontlines... they're busy raising honest, quality children who fear the Lord and know how to hold a good job and be responsible. They've been busy holding down a good paying job to support the ones they love. They are busy being a solid companion and best friend to their husbands. They are sacrificing themselves. Since when do you ever hear things like this about the models who are stuck in a world of seduction, their lives consumed with self-hatred because their main drive is to be prettier than the next girl? Rediculous. You cannot compare gold to diamonds.

Flirtation and seduction can only go so far. They are only talented at one thing, and that ultimately results in dissatisfaction and emptiness.

Tonight while I was thinking about all of this, I actually googled, "the perfect woman," and it resulted in a survey of a woman asking men what they thought calculated the perfect feminine kind. The majority of the comments were describing confidence, a woman who is fully herself. That was encouraging, and, then again there were the occasional comments highlighting her physical make up, and they made me feel incredibly inadequate. Of couse, the survey was to see what a man would say the perfect woman was... but... if that's perfect, equaling what a man would choose if he had the choice... who am I? The non-chosen one? The scraps, left-overs of the woman who was made better than me? Obviously not. I just wish that that concept was recognized and I could walk through the grocery store without having to see 14 year old girls trying to be kim kardashian.

Anyway, that's all I can think to say right now.

-v.

Checkout what I've BeenUp2!

chris introduced this to me today. it's interesting. you upload pictures from your phone to this site so people can see what you're up to... kinda funny. my pictures are blurry because i have to change a setting on my phone, but check it out, it's kinda neat i think.