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neverhad_wings
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Matt
Country: United States
State: Florida
Metro: Panama City
Birthday: 8/13/1985
Gender: Male
Interests: Sunday Munich, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs..., A Perfect Circle, Bright Eyes, Orbital, GWEN STEFANI, My Monkey...kiss kiss, bang bang..., Britney, Nightmare Before Christmas, LiveJournal, InTouch magazine, JoJo, Pinstripes, Chevelle, Spencer's, Tallahassee, Stars, Glow Worms, A-Ha...
Expertise: i really just have an ideal amount of common sense, well-balanced by my innate ability to decipher emotions and people's various eating habits. i have a gross obsession with Ashley Judd and the people that live in my closet.
Occupation: Sales
Industry: Retail
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  StevieClue202
Yahoo:  No_Doubter16
Member Since:
12/3/2004
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| so noone wants to comment.
thats fine, i mean i only check this every damn chance i get and for what? nada | | |
| so i figured since i'm up diddling online i might as well update. ive become a myspace junkie and really haven'y given a shit about xanga since it seems to do nothing but breed drama and get the love of your life banned from gay bars for drunkenly taking the blame for something everyone knows he never did. but that makes him a guy with a good heart and intentions, but horrible delivery. never really was good at relaying his feelings.
but since i just created MORE xanga fodder for the needy, i guess i'm just as guilty, although i doubt i'd let myself burn for someone else's shortcomings. and since everyone seems to read this shit and tell everyone and thiers mamma jamma's, i guess i should calculate my words exactly and get the true meaning of things accross.
who likes the bright eyes vid? hot aint it.
so yeah i've painstakingly tried to save enough money to buy the razr V3 from cingular and i might just be there, a couple more days. was headed for tally tonite but decided to stay with greg in town instead...always have more fun that way, although he always ends up falling asleep with me on this damn computer, having my ass fall all kinds of asleep but thats what having the following day off is for, right?
so lick before you stick it you beggin bitches, and tell 'em your mouth aint dirty cause you wash every dick you suck.
night | | |
| Ok so i figured its time to update.
i've made it thru another crazy week, one i might add, i placed myself in.
but what torment DON'T i place myself in?
went to heathers party...once again, all the black people loved me, white people are so shady...now i understand why.
drunk-dialed daniel.
just started thinking about katie for some reason, i love ya girl.
muah to lucas...sorry im a selfish drunk. well, just selfish, and i take too long to get ready, and i get jealous of you looking better than me.
which, btw, you did, and do, more often than i let on.
you have more balls than most guys and im proud to have you as one of my very best friends.
carrie's moving out on the 5th, she'll probably still be here until the 6th or 7th...can't wait to have my own room.
once again, billy im sorry for not following thru, just so you know, i really had a hard time making up my mind, and you calling me 17 times a day wasnt helping much.
i just need more time to set into myself...i cant be happy with anyone, or make anyone else happy, if im not happy with myself first. i wasnt happy with myself, but im well on my way...learning to take care of things alone and finding out what it takes to be me... hopefully one day i'll make the one thats meant for me a very happy man, because i'll be a very happy man.
fergie, i love you!
i still havent seen original sin...gah!
...g'nite katchi...
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| Monday, August 11, 2003
there is no measure for love
StevieClue: love is love
StevieClue: its a two way street
StevieClue: not something that can be contained and measured
StevieClue: its not an emotion
StevieClue: its a life choice
StevieClue: and its worth taking a risk
StevieClue: its worth any distance
StevieClue: and its beyond any obstacle
StevieClue: it just takes two
ive got to go to work at 4 today. ick...i wish i had a better job, ive tried everything tho...its just like noones hiring!
anyways...last nite xanga was so not loading...the site was down all day yesterday and most of this morning...ugh, i was so ready to blog last nite it was unreal.
anyways...daniels coming up tomorrow...got to see him last night, me and DJ went to Barnes and Noble in Destin...
have you ever cried 20 seconds after leaving the one you love...just crying simply because your so incredibly happy and lonely, all in the same breath? ever heard a song that just tore your heart from your chest and screamed thier name at you? genuine tears from simple separation from your soulmate...
daniel took me to a party the day before yesterday in defuniak...his friends were so accepting of me...i cant say the same for my friends...noone i think here could show the same respect for someone and regard for thier personal character as well as daniel's friends did for me. One girl in particular, Leslie, told me that she's never thought anyone good enough for daniel, but that she saw something in me she didnt see in anyone else, and that she thought i was good for daniel...
coming from a complete stranger that has known daniel for his entire life...that meant alot.
i doubt anyone here in panama city could do the same for him...everyone here is too far into finding out the bad about a person, and not seeing the complementing factors between two people. i just dont see that in people here.
"Anytime" - Brian McKnight
I can't remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are
[Chorus]
Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you
Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say
[Chorus]
I miss you
I miss you
(No more) loneliness and heartache
(No more) crying myself to sleep
(Don't want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won't you come back to me
Come back to me, oh
[Chorus]
[Chorus]
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
Posted 8/11/2003 at 11:56 AM - email it
Happier days, before Phil, before Brandon, the very beginning...
All i could do is smile and silently cry at his post. those were days i had long forgotten, days i temporarily displaced for want of him.
makes me want to smoke.
I deftly remember those days at his house in Ponce De Leon, when i was so scared of his flips on that trampoline, when we joined Britney's fan club..., losing my contact in his bed...i remember breaking his Escort five seconds from the Movie Gallery in Defunk... i remember his afro, the "mirror movie", the entire bag of reese peicy's..and what i wanted him to do with them. i remember Valentine's Day, that whole day that i spent way too much of our money and actually cleaned to see him smile. He cried instead. i remember the day we broke the air mattress, and he super-glued a TGI Fridays mint wrapper to the hole. i remember getting six feet away from Aunt Cindy's in his Sentra when the battery gave out...on our way to Destin to start our new account.
i remember when he wouldnt let me drive his car, and then one day my truck broke, and he let me take it without him coming along.
i remember almost killing us flying down that road in Red Bay.
i remember when he got sick, and i got the wrong juice from Winn-Dixie, and he had to drink aplle juice instead... i still have the note he left the next day, waiting for me when i got back from work...he said "yummm"
i remember that night at Breaker's, and his pants the next day.
God, i even remember when he proudly kissed me at the Hilton in front of all those people he worked with.
and i remember feeling like this...for three weeks, squalling into the phone, calling his parents house nonstop, bribing Aunt Cindy with 20 dollars and dinner to take me to Destin for his birthday, crying when i bought his watch, the same watch i havent taken off in three months. i remember how hard i fought, how each night as i vaccuumed that store i had to stop cause i was crying so hard i couldnt see. i remember his tear-filled eyes as he told me he loved me, the day i knew he would never leave.
but he did, cause i pushed him. Although i shouldnt, i still catch myself in one of our fights and i reword everything, so that i know that "if i said this" he wouldnt have left. if i never cut myself, he wouldnt have left. if i never walked off, he wouldnt have left.
im so sorry for that day at the hospital...you needed me and i let you down, cause my pride was hurt. but you were strong and forgiving then, you did what i could not, you tried to make it work.
and we did work, we worked for so long.
i miss waking up to you, cause then i knew you were the one, and i was happy. | | |
| So this is going to be a lengthy post.
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine (repeat 3 times)
I am officially at a loss for words...this may hurt for some readers and may apall others, confuse most, but will touch one. i wrote this today right when i got home from work and after i took an Ambien:
" Daniel left this post on xanga.
i have never felt more relieved than i do now...he feels EXACTLY as i do... to an extenet he's willing to admit.
it was truly very intuitive of him to write whet he did. i felt that he completely understood me all over again.
i hope very much so to print out what he wrote & put it in here. its things like this that i never want to forget.
we may never get back together again. i am strong enough to admit that...HOWEVER, it will never stop me from dreaming, from longing, from loving him.
i am not prepared to take my heart away from him.
i know he will never forget me...as i will never forget him. i pray one day for another stab @ a relationship w/ him...however i fear it is in vain.
i abused his trust, and he is no more forgiving than i...not when it comes to me.
i always forgive him...if it makes me understand how much i miss him...as i sob into this entry, im given into false securities...false images of getting that fated telephone call, that message, that random visit, that wrinkle in time where i have that chance...faintly i can envision as it looms further each day.
My conscience is tumultuous...i am riddled with guilt at having pushed him so far from me, the one thing that truly made me happy...the one i dreamt of, the one i prayed GOD send me...
one day i hope he can come accross this, be it after my passing, hopefully as he waits my arrival to our once again joint home...
i can solemnly vow now that i am ever so much in love with him, since Dec. 09, 2003 and the two months preceding...i could never bring myself to expect more from him...just as long as he's mine, i would tire my jealous manipulative assummptions and give him the window to clearly see and comprehend my devotion to my one true love."
this begins the psychobabble...the mantra i cry silently from my balcony each night, tears streaming and ciggarette in hand, pulling some sleepless in seattle cinemetography in my mind, panning out to Daniel looking out on the same night sky, ciggarette in hand, waiting for what he cannot yet understand.
"O Daniel how i miss you.
so utterly i miss you.
why arent you here to hold me anymore? what happened to our dreams? i know you still have them, you know that noone will love you so uncontrallably other than me.
You of all people understand my plight Daniel...why torture me futher? (feel the Ambien kicking in?) Why is this so hard for me to let go of? maybe because its not meant to be loosed, outr love is o be contained between us, our power is great, we are great
And you know that...we cant share ourselves any longer Katchi...i share naught of my body to anyone other than you, my mind is completely consumed by your will, i will worship thee (yeah im completely gone at this point)
Daniel
PLEASE FORGOE THIS TORTURE YOU BURDEN ME WITH. RELEASE ME DANIEL!
I cry at the bus station as you hold my hand, with full love in your eyes, our embrace and outr last true kiss.
I took a step and so do you.
I took a step towards us and you took a step back to Travis.
You're smarter than to decieve yourself.
Daniel i miss thee so very much.
O how i weep for thee
i cry out in strange tounges that you have experienced...i cry out for you, for all the displaced impractiaclity of it all. for our love to continue.
i take myself away, i take me to the edge again, i take me to that dead hand, those cold stone eyes and that mosy peat and i take you into myself. How im not sure, i just take you...i need to be rid of these psychotic toturous thoughts & feelings & actions that we concoct for one another and i throw them into myself. you have the most potential, the looks, the familial backing, the determination to go far in this life and make yourself happy, whereas i fall somewhat short.
i possess your talent of understanding true love, while i experience that with you as you experience that with me.
we need to end this
we need to end this
we need to end this
i may not come back the same daniel
but MY DARLING DOLLFACE my one and only KATCHUBA NIKATOI AICHI!
your Chicken pleads for your help, please let it go.
please let me from you.
the only thing keeping me from self-destruction is your promise "Don't do anything to hurt me"
your plea, i honored your plea... now honor mine, set me free of that plea and allow me to decease. Daniel i have nothing to offer this hellhole of a town, nothing to give back
no child to live for
no lover to hold close
i hold you @ arms length because i dont want you to see my false frigid heart...my anachronim of a soul, my swollen emotions have decided to leave this place for good.
DANIEL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
but there will never be a long enough time to wait to make things right again between us because i am not right
you are not right
it is impossible for us to feel true happiness unless these events occur
and since THAT'S impossible then i leave you this..this memior, this sad entry of my own design and demise.
i pray it finds you well.
Sans-arrogance, i really hope you understand that the second im gone you may experience two things:
true freedom
or void so uncontrollable that cannot fathomly be filled without my heart
my heart will be long gone...REVIVE ME DIZ.
make me worthwhile again."
and whether i seem crazy or obsessive or stupid or heartless or suicidal, i am none of those things, if only to show the world exactly what his words mean to me.
so billy, to show you how high school i am, im leaving this letter, detailing every little fuck-up ive ever made, to let you and daniel and everyone else know that i plan to make something of this, that i never will give up, that he and i understand way too much of each other for our own good. Maybe the next giant turn in my life will occur because of something you didn't completeley think thru. Just like that letter at my parents house, that day changed me for the rest of my life, and gave me a bad start to boot. the day the love of my life decided we were best apart was another kick in the ass that has changed the rest of my life, and im just now reaping the consequences of that action. However, i have grown enough to know what i want out of life, and it includes Daniel Zachary Hougland beside me when i die. however long it takes, im illing to wait...until then, i will seek consolation in drinking and smoking and the occasional trip into sexual promiscuity, a subject you have no right to be judgemental about, least of all to me.
a true friend would see cognitively how someone they supposedly care for is deeply hurt, and would put aside thier petty differences to provide a solid arm to lean upon. Billy, im not saying that i wasnt thankful that you invited me to share you house with you, it really would be a great way to go...but i dont see growth there. this next sentence may ultimately make or break us, but i need you to understand that Daniel is right, im sorry that i never loved you like i love Diz...we were never"in love"...i loved you when you didnt love me and vice-versa...but we never expereinced what Daniel and i did...an instant mutual attraction that developed into a bond that no tme or space or person can wither...and that is something i wouldnt trade for the world...my heart breaks everytime i think of what we used to have, and everything i see, hear, or do is somehow tied to him...so you see billy, that no matter what you may try to do or sat to hurt me, its nothing compared to the guilt i feel from losing the one good thing i had going for me...and im sad to say it was not you. so i may have plateaued at this point in my life...but it is iwth a contently depressed heart that i stand waiting.
i can only pray that someday you will experiece true love and true heartache...so that you too can undersand what it is he and I are going thru.
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