SO...YEAH!  SO ONCE MORE, I AM TALKING ABOUT AUGUST IN MY XANGA.  HE CALLED ME RANDOMLY YESTERDAY.  WE TALKED ABOUT JUST STUFF, THANKSGIVING, THE SAI BANQUET, JUST RANDOM STUFF.  WE HUNG UP AND I WAS ONCE AGAIN LEFT SITTING GOING 'HANG ON A SEC!'   AND DEJA VU, I CALLED BACK AND ASKED WHY HE CALLED ME.  HE SAID BECAUSE WE HADNT TALKED IN A WHILE AND HE WANTED TO SEE HOW I WAS DOING.  AND I WAS LIKE 'HUH?'  LETS GO BACK ABOUT TWO WEEKS: AFTER BATTLE OF THE BANDS, I SENT HIM A FACEBOOK MESSAGE TELLING HIM THAT SEEING HIM WAS ALOT HARDER THEN I THOUGHT IT WAS, AND MUCH TO THE LACK OF ANY KIND OF SHAME, BEGGED FOR A CHANCE FOR HIM TO LOVE ME AGAIN.  AND WHAT DID I GET IN RETURN.....NOTHING.  NOT A MESSAGE SAYING ANYTHING, NOTHING! I GOT IGNORED.  SO I FIGURED THAT WAS IT, WE WERE JUST GONNA KINDA COEXSIST.  BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT, BECAUSE HE CALLED ME.  ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE CONVO.  SO I ASK WHY HE CALLED ME, AND HE SAID THAT HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME AND AGAIN I ASKED WHY.  AND THEN WE PROCEEDED TO GET INTO THE CONVO WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN INTO WHEN I CAME DOWN TO TEXAS.  IN A NUT SHELL, HE TOLD ME THAT WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS, THAT WE SHOULDNT THROW AWAY WHAT WAS A REALLY GOOD FRIENDSHIP, AND THAT WE SHOULD JUST DO THE FRIEND THING.  IM PRETTY SURE THIS WAS THE POINT AT WHICH I SAT ON MY BED GAPPING.  WHAT PART OF MY VERY SHAMELESS BEGGING FOR ANOTHER CHANCE WAS INDICATIVE TO WANTING TO BE FRIENDS??  WHAT PART OF CRYING MY EYES OUT ON THE WASHING MACHINE FOR JUST SEEING HIM WOULD INDICATE THAT I WANT TO BE FRIENDS?  SO BASICALLY I TOLD HIM THAT I DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS, I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, I LOVE HIM AND BEING FRIENDS IS NOT ENOUGH.  SO I FLAT OUT ASKED HIM, SINCE HE FORGAVE ME, SINCE ITS STILL OH SO INCREDIABLE OBVIOUS THAT I STILL HAVE FEELINGS, WHY WOULD WE GO BACK TO BEING FRIENDS...UNLESS HE DIDNT CARE ABOUT ME ANY MORE.  WELL, THAT WAS PROBABLY THE ONE THING I HAD TO ASK, BUT DIDNT WANT THE ANSWER TO.  HE SAID THAT IT WASNT WORTH IT.  WE HAD TRIED BEFORE, TWICE, AND IT HADNT WORKED OUT SO WHY TRY AGAIN.  HE SAID THAT HE WONT DATE ME ANYMORE AND THAT HE DIDNT LOVE ME....

WELL ATLEAST NOW I KNOW, AND WHILE THAT IS VERY LITTLE COMFORT, ATLEAST IM NOT LIVING ON THE FENCE ANYMORE.  I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDNT BE FRIENDS, THERE IS NO WAY, THERE ARE TOO MANY FEELINGS.  IM SURE AFTER ALOT OF TIME ILL BE OKAY, BUT RIGHT NOW I CANT DO IT.  AND I DONT THINK I CAN EVER BE JUST FRIENDS, I DONT THINK I CAN EVER LOOK AT HIM AND NOT GET THAT BUTTERFLY FEELING IN MY STOMACH, OR THAT FLUTTER OF MY HEART.  AND THATS WHAT I TOLD HIM, THAT I DONT WANT TO BE HIS FRIEND, I WANT TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND, AND MAYBE MORE.  I CANT BE HIS FRIEND...BUT IT HURTS TO KNOW THAT HE REALLY WILL NOT BE PART OF MY LIFE, OTHER THAN A PASSING FACE...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WHEN I GET BACK?  I LIVE WITH SULLY, WHO IS HIS CUTIE-PIE, HES MY BEAU, WE HAVE THE SAME MAJOR, MY FRIENDS ARE HIS FRIENDS...THERE IS NO WAY TO AVOID IT, IM GOING TO BE SEEING HIM ALOT...AND IT SCARES ME.  WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?  IVE THOUGHT ABOUT NOT GOING BACK AT ALL, BUT I CANT DO THAT, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSE TO BE, AND MY FRIENDS ARE THERE AND I MISS THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER FELT BEFORE.  AND IM NOT GOING TO UP AND MOVE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS.  BESIDES, SINCE ITS WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO BE, FIGHTING IT IS SO NOT WORTH IT.  SO I GUESS I AM JUST GONNA HAVE TO SUCK IT UP AND PUSH ON LIKE NOTHING IS REALLY WRONG...

BUT ITS GONNA HURT SO MUCH....

SO BEST COURSE OF ACTION: IGNORING!

SEEMS TO BE THE WAY THAT HE SEEMS TO DEAL WITH ME, AND HE SEEMS ALL WELL AND GOOD AND NOT WORRIED OR CARING ABOUT ANYTHING.  SO I GUESS I'LL TAKE A PAGE OUT OF HIS BOOK, AND JUST IGNORE HIM.  AND NOT JUST RIGHT NOW WHEN IM IN THE NC, LIKE FOREVER.  MINIMAL AMOUNT OF INTERACTION.  OBVIOUSLY I CANT PUSH HIM OUT ALL THE WAY, BECAUSE HES IN MY SORORITY, HE HAS THE SAME MAJOR AS I DO, HES FRIENDS WITH MY FRIENDS....SO I HAVE TO INTERACT WITH HIM ON SOME LEVEL...BUT AS FAR AS VOLUNTARY INTERACTION GOES...OH I DONT THINK SO.  IM SICK OF HAVING MY FEELINGS THROWN BACK IN MY FACE LIKE THEY DONT MATTER, LIKE WHAT I FEEL IS STUPID AND I SHOULD JUST GET OVER IT ALL READY.  IM TIRED OF BEING THE ONE THAT ALWAYS CRYS AND FEELS AWFUL, YET COMES BACK AND TRYS AGAIN.  AND IM SICK OF FEELING LIKE EVERYTHING IS ALL MY FAULT.  YES, ITS WHAT I DID, BUT ITS THE FACT THAT HE WONT FORGIVE ME THATS MADE IT WORSE.  SO THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE GONNA BE.  AND ITS REALLY HOW THEY HAVE TO BE, BECAUSE ANYTHING ELSE JUST ENDS IN ME BEING HURT AND CRYING MY EYES OUT WHILE SITTING ON MY WASHING MACHINE AGAIN...AND THAT JUST ISNT GONNA HAPPEN!  SO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK?

Okay so id say what a day, but i really mean what a morning!!!  Concidering its only 0945!!!!!  Heres how it goes....so im dead asleep, dreaming the dreams of the righteous (not really) and my phone rings.  At first i thought it was work, and i almost didnt answer, but im a good person and i answered anyway half expecting to hear Caty's voice telling me i had to come in.  But no, i get the shock of my life....its August.  It took me a while to realize this and when i did, i shot up out of bed like someone had just set me on fire!!!!  I didnt really know what to say, we had kinda a weird, strained conversation.  And then i learned that he'd been at Jordan's for about four hours drinking, which i should have realized that he would only call me if he was fairly drunk.  But i really didnt care.  And then it just kinda ended.  We said bye, but by this time im completly awake, so when we hung up i was like 'wait a minute..'  So i called back, not really knowing what to expect and i didnt really know what to say, so i just asked why he called me.  And then we had it out...well...not really, he yelled at me which i took because i deserve it, but i figured it was better than not talking at all.  We had about an hour and half long convo in which i came completly clean about the whole summer, everything that had happened, every time i had lied to him...i let it all out, because i know that if i dont, hes never even gonna start trying to want to begin trusting me!!!!  He yelled, called me a liar, said he didnt believe anything i say anymore, and that the only reason i was sorry was because i got caught and i would have never felt this way if he would have never found out about me lying, which i sat and took, even though it hurt to hear, i had to take it, because its what i deserve.  And it was true...i wouldnt have told him if he hadnt caught me, which is a great thing to learn about yourself, but its the truth and i hate it.  But it gets better...then came to bomb that pushed me into a crying fit.  We had gotten to talking about what i could do to get him to trust me again, and i realized its really gonna take me comming back and proving to him that i want to be there.  Then he said it....there was no way he would date me again.  He said it would be stupid, we had already tried twice and it ended badly both times.  I couldnt talk, i couldnt cry, i could barely breathe.  The man of my dreams was saying that he never wanted to be with me again, and it was all my fault.    He couldnt believe that i really loved him, which i get because how to lie to someone for two months and tell them that you love them and talk about marrying them.  But i couldnt believe it, and i wouldnt.  I never lied about loving him, i love him with all my heart and soul...that i never lied about once.  It got a little better, i asked him if he just didnt care, and he said that he just couldnt trust me, that right now he just couldnt see us getting back together.  Which i understand, i didnt expect a happy welcome, i didnt even expect the phone call, but i just want the chance, i just want that one chance to try and make everything as right as it can be.  And i hope with everything that i am that he will give it to me.  He said that he just wanted me to leave him alone and i said i would if it was what he wanted, he said it was what he wanted right now...then i asked if we were ever gonna talk again....and he said maybe.  I can live with maybe, im more than happy to live with maybe....its not a no, which is what i was expecting!  So im holding on to that maybe with everything i have right now...but thats really not why i wanted to write this.  Well, its part of it because i need to talk to someone about it and this seems to be the easiest way for me to spew things out to people.  But what i really wanted to say was what happened afterward.  After we hung up, i couldnt go back to sleep.  There was no way, i didnt know what to do, what to say, but i knew i was hurt and i needed comfort and reassurance.  I got out of bed, grabbed my Bible and my Mp3 player, put on worship and read whatever i could find about strength and patience and forgiveness.  I was half way through a Psalm when i looked up and realized what i was doing...I was trusting in God to make everything okay!!!  IT WAS SO AMAZING TO REALIZE I HAD DONE IT WITHOUT EVEN THINKING!!!!  It was a reflexs, it just happened without me really knowing what i was doing!!!  Im finally trusting completly!!!!!  I had gone through an awful thing and i had gone straight to God, emersed myself complely in Him and His greatness without even thinking about it!!!!  It was such a great feeling and it helped so much!!!  Because if i can start doing that, things are gonna get better.  Im not expecting immediate, im not expecting it to be tomorrow and things are a complete 180 from right now, but its a small step that made me so happy this morning!!!

*This ones for Renee because i know she likes it when i do this, and i hope that it brings someone else as much reasserance and faith and happiness that it brought me this morning:

BIBLE ON THE FLY!: PSALM 91 " He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom i trust...He will cover you in His feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfullness will be your shield and rampart." 

Im not really sure how i found this, but i did, and it was AMAZING!!!!  It was right there for me when i needed something to lift my spirits and remind me that Jesus is there and loves me and will bring me through whatever i am in!!!  I CAN TRUST IN THE LORD!!!!