for those of u who wonder, for those of u who have asked, for those of u who care, and for those of u who dont give a shit... what follows is a look, honest and uncutting, inside my head... so if u dont want to know stop reading now... i just want to air out my tainted soul if u like it great, if u dont i couldnt possibly care less...

My real name is robert brown, but i almost never use that name, i changed it years ago and havent looked back, the only people allowed to call me by my real name is my family, and thats just because i cant get them to stop... i stopped using my name over two years ago maybe three or four becasue i was no longer the same person i used to be... for the noobs, i am bipolar, bipolar type 2 to be specific, and type 2 cyclothymic bipolar to be exact... which means my moods change at their own will for any and or no reason, thats the bipolar bit, type 2 means i spend more time depressed then manic (happy), about a 80/20 split... the cyclothymic means my moods change rapidly, often violently from one pole to the other with no warning...

when i was younger, i am 25 now, i used to fuck with people, mind games, pitty trips, just for fun... i was a fucked up kid, but since i was unhappy i wanted everyone else to be unhappy... how unhappy??? i spent high school living in a mental hell where while walking to the bus stop i coould burst into tears for no reason... ive spent the better part of myn life (being bipolar as since aroung 7-8 years old) wishing i was dead, and when i dont wish death apon myself i used to wish it on others, and not just death, sadistic tortureous death, like being boiled alive till ur skin came off like they used to do to ninjas as a start...
the reason i changed my name is becasue while in a deep depression a few years ago i decided to change the way i was living, and when i changed the person i was (from being a self centered, hatefull, spitefull looser, to not being a looser, and trying to help others) i changed my name... i wish i could say this change was inspired by a want to be a better human, but it was more of a relegious experience, now i think it might have been a halucination as i no longer truely believe in god, and if he does exist i hate him, and he either hates me or pretends i dont exist, or he just has a sick fucking sence of humor...

i use to live in a world i created, by hurting those who cared about me, by hurting myself, by hating myself and everything about me, and by lying and cheating to get what i wanted or get ahead... after my "awakening" i decided to put my intilect (very high iq indeed) to better use then finding ways to hurt those who had hurt me or my friends... i became overly compassionate and caring, i blazed out to help others wherever i could, anyone i knew who needed anything of or from me got it, usually at my own happiness' expence... in real life im extremely non violent, although i still imagine bad people's horrible demise, i would never set it in motion, well almost never, i think rapist, child molesters and cerial killers should be killed in the most horrific way humanity can imagine as those people arnt human and dont deserve an easy death...  i dont believe in sympathy, i believe the only help for others is to empathize, if u cant feel where a person is, or has been u cant truely say "i know how u feel" being bipolar i have the joy, as most bipolars do, of being able to experience the entire range of human emotions in under an hour, if u dont think its possible i pray u never find out the truth behind my words...

im now the town shrink to my friends, everyone brings their problems to me, and i stick by them till said problem is solved... but im powerless with my own issues so i ignore them till they threaten to harm me, which always screws me in the end, but i know no other way... after years of lying to others and to myself i awoke to who i truely had become, and i hated him with all my heart... after years of change i finally semi like myself, sometimes... i have undying loyalty to any person i call a friend, and to my family, i would die for them all, although as i dont particulary value my life that doesnt say much...

for those of u who spend the most time on ts and in game with me u will know some nights are worse then others... thats just me being me, im always an asshole, i own up to anything i do, but when my moods change i lash out more to those who annoy me, as most of us do... if im being quiet in ts, trust me its for my and ur own good... i hate it when people constantly ask if im ok... if u think something is wrong ur prolly right, and if i dont tell u about it, then i dont want to talk about it so just fucking drop it... talking about an issue doesnt fucking make it better, especially when ur bipolar, it makes u obsess over it, thus making it worse... ive never met a stupid bipolar, and i have met many bipolars, so all in all if something is wrong with us, just let it be unless we bring it to u...

i have a five month old son, john raymond... he's the only reason i suffer through life... although i am prolly bound to scar him with my presence, i would rather give him a reason to hate me by being around then be like my father and never be there thus making me hate him for no reason other then the fact that i dont know him, an no longer want to... i basically want to give my only son a chance to have a better reason to love or hate me, but at least i will always be there for him... he is the only thing keeping me alive, the only thing i am convinced i have ever done right in this wretched world, i just hope he doesnt go through what i went through, he would be blessed if he had my since of humor, and openness, just without the underlying seething hatred for hisself... my only fear is that some day i will convince myself that i will do him more harm then good and be left with no reason not to pull the trigger... as i have said in other post, if or when i kill myself, it will definately be by gunshot to the head, its the most effective... slitting ur wrist is for emo's goths and others who seek attention, drowning is too involved, jumping from buildings is for people who want to make a grand statement, im not an emo or a goth, im lazy, and im too shy to make a grand statement... yes i said shy, deep down i am extremely shy, all outwardness u see in me is overcompensation for the weakness of shyness...

i no longer bother lying to others, or myself... i dont have the time... its not cause i wasnt good at it... cause i was, i have a superb memory, and could remember every different lie i told each person, but to those who still lie, u shouldnt, the more u lie the more u start to believe ur own lies, and thats where u start to loose urself... and thats not worth it... i will tell the truth even if i know it will hurth myself or others, if i know u wont like what i have to say ill wanr u first, then if u ask again ill let it all out, but hey at least u were warned right???

im prolly the best friend u could ever have, loving, giving, sharing, kind, and considerate... just not modest... im selfish to a fault, and in my selfishness i will do anything to make myself feel better, this is good only cause helping others makes me fell better about myself... i know its wierd, but its me so deal with it...

some day this life will be over, and when it is i can rest and be happy, till then i am cursed with being me... we all have our crosses to bear, but at least i dont have to carry it through a crowd and be nailed and die on it...

peace love and happiness to all...